some lance-centric headcanons:
• absolutely cannot hold someones hand without swinging it
• he loves watching marine animal documentaries and after seeing Black Fish he swore to never go back to Seaworld ever again
• [talking to himself in front of the mirror]:
“Sometimes, I’m astounded by my sheer brilliance.”
• whenever he eats m&ms or smarties, he always has to pick out the blue ones and eat them first. always
• [is in trouble and gets sent down to Iverson’s office]:
lance: long time no see, buddy!
Iverson: cadet, please, i have a headache —
lance: HOW ARE THE WIFE AND KIDS?
iverson [groaning]: you like tormenting me
• on one of the days it’s lance’s turn to order takeout in the family, he just goes full-out and orders a shitload of stuff:
lance: i’m thinking, like, two boxes of pizza, some chinese, a side dish of garlic knots —
one of his sisters: you sure? you’ve been looking a bit round lately lil’ bro
lance [scoffing indignantly]: more cushion for the pushin’, big sis! the dad bod is in
• because he’s a good uncle™ his list of swear words include:
- hairy monkey balls!
- dogshit on a stick!
- PUKE pancakes!
• he and hunk once decided to microwave a shoe for ‘scientific purposes’
• he was that kid that jammed, like, three plastic water bottles in the back tire of his bike to make those cringey dirt bike noises whenever he rode it
• he. can’t. sit still through a movie. he has to pause occasionally and get up to stretch or get a snack or aimlessly scroll on his phone or stare blankly at the ceiling, thinking about all the homework he’s going to have to do at 3 AM