6 months clean.
i am so grateful to be on the other side of this disease - recovery. i’m thankful that this morning, i woke up in my own apartment, in my own bed, with my gigantic golden retrievers taking up most of the room. i’m thankful that i wasn’t dope sick this morning. that my first thought wasn’t “how the hell am i going to get money to get high today”. i’m grateful for the gigantic cup of coffee i drank this morning, and that the fridge is stocked and the bills are payed..
i could go on for hours talking about all of the things that i’m grateful for today. and that’s a miracle. a couple months ago, i wasn’t grateful for anything. a couple months ago, i was nodding off in corners. a year ago, i was stealing from people i loved. two years ago, i got sent away to a place that i imagine is worse than jail, counting down the days til i could get out so i could use again. and that’s exactly what i ended up doing.
this last run over the past year took a lot out of me. i was always told that when you relapse, things get worse a lot faster. and i really wish i would have listened, because it’s absolutely true. i think i only lasted a little over a month using before i was completely and totally broke, lost my job (again), had no friends, my family wanted nothing to do with me, and i was arrested. and whats sad is that even that didn’t stop me. literally the first phone call i made upon being released from jail that night was to try to score some dope. i hadn’t even been free 5 minutes, and there i was, trying to go pick up. i got arrested and charged with a PWI (possession with intent - felony), and i was right back to putting myself in the same situation all over again.
a condition of my bail was to get a drug and alcohol evaluation. and being a good dope fiend, i just decided that i would just check myself into rehab, because i knew that’s where they were ultimately going to send me anyways. but of course, i had to get high just one more time first. i checked myself into rehab, and lasted a whole 12 days, before deciding that i wasn’t ready to stop. i left AMA (against medical advice) and was high within an hour. i made it about 2 weeks before i was told that i had to go back to treatment or i was going to do 6 months. i completed a 28 day treatment program, which is the first time that i’ve ever actually completed a rehab, and was sent to a sober house for 90 days. i made it about 2 weeks before i used. i got away with it the first time. i told myself i would only do it once, and that would be it. but it never works out that way. the second time i used, i got called downstairs for a drug test, which i failed. i was told that i had to leave, and that i couldn’t be there anymore. i got kicked out of the only place i had to go, was 3 hours away from home, knew no one around the area, and to top it all off, it was the middle of a snow storm.
i am so incredibly grateful for that experience. it saved my life. being kicked out of the sober house sucked. but the worst part was having to call my dad and tell him that i messed up again. i couldn’t even stop crying. i felt like the biggest piece of shit. but at that moment, i knew i had 2 options: 1. i could keep using. go back to doing that horribly shitty things i used to do, lose my friends and family again, be homeless, the whole 9-yards, or 2. i could ask for help and stop using.
that night is the first night that i have honestly ever hit my knees and prayed for help. before i had only said those silly fox hole prayers: “please get me out of this, and i swear i’ll never do it again”. this time i honestly said “i really messed up this time. i do not want to live like this anymore. i can’t do this on my own. i don’t know how to live. and i will do ANYTHING to not live like this anymore”. that day honestly changed me.
i am seriously still amazed at how different my life is today. six months later, here i sit - sober. i’m living on my own. i have an amazing job. i’m fucking going places. i go to a meeting every week. i have a sponsor who i call everyday. i have friends in recovery who i talk to on a daily basis. i’m doing step work. i show up, i share when i need to. i’m genuinely happy. i laugh today, real heartfelt laughter.
i never imagined that this way of life was possible for me. yeah, i knew about NA. i went to my first meeting when i was 18 years old. but i never really gave the program a chance. i decided that it wasn’t going to work for me, so it didn’t. it was a self fulfilling prophecy. i would find anything and everything i possibly could as an excuse for why it wasn’t going to work for me. and every single time i left and stopped trying, i ended up with a needle in my arm again, wondering how the hell i got back to this god awful life
i have genuine, REAL friends today. people who call or text me just to talk and see how i’m doing. people who show up for me when i need help, buy me a pack of cigarettes or food at the diner when i can’t pay for myself. i never had that before. all the people i was associated with in my active addiction were only there because i needed something from them, or they wanted something from me. and once the money and the drugs were gone, so were they.
so call me crazy, but i wouldn’t change a single thing about my life. i’m grateful for all of the horrible life experiences that i’ve had to go through, because they made me the person that i am today. and i love myself today. that’s huge for me. i’m proud to say that i’m fucking 6 months sober. i’ve been to hell and i’ve made it to the other side of addiction.
there is a solution. i am so incredibly grateful that i am living in the solution today.