You know how people describe bpd with black and white thinking?
If you don’t have bpd, it is impossible to explain how much this effects our lives.
(My life at least because people casually get offended when i generalize what i mean with people like me in mind.)
Just. My point is, I am tired of having no grays.
I either try to starve myself while feeling guilty for not eating healthy or I eat 5 chocolate bars in a row and then spent the rest of the day feeling disgusting and fat.
It is just chocolate. I can’t enjoy a fucking chocholate.
And not just that either;
I don’t go out for months and then one day at a weird ass hour I am out there trying to figure out things to do so I don’t have to go back home any time soon.
I ignore cleaning my room for weeks and then I am cleaning between the tiles with a toothbrush because there may be dirt in there.
I don’t shower for days, sometimes almost weeks, and then I am busy spending an entire day with beauty products because self care is important.
I hate myself for who I became because it is my fault or I hate people who made me this way because it is not my fault.
All I need to get my life back together is just to start doing something but then I see no point in trying because no matter what I do I know it will never be enough to get my life back together ever again.
I am just so tired. That is all I am saying.