and feel guilty for the rest of our lives

You know how people describe bpd with black and white thinking?

 If you don’t have bpd, it is impossible to explain how much this effects our lives. (My life at least because people casually get offended when i generalize what i mean with people like me in mind.)

Just. My point is, I am tired of having no grays.

I either try to starve myself while feeling guilty for not eating healthy or I eat 5 chocolate bars in a row and then spent the rest of the day feeling disgusting and fat.

It is just chocolate. I can’t enjoy a fucking chocholate.

And not just that either;

I don’t go out for months and then one day at a weird ass hour I am out there trying to figure out things to do so I don’t have to go back home any time soon.

I ignore cleaning my room for weeks and then I am cleaning between the tiles with a toothbrush because there may be dirt in there.

I don’t shower for days, sometimes almost weeks, and then I am busy spending an entire day with beauty products because self care is important.

I hate myself for who I became because it is my fault or I hate people who made me this way because it is not my fault.

All I need to get my life back together is just to start doing something but then I see no point in trying because no matter what I do I know it will never be enough to get my life back together ever again.

I am just so tired. That is all I am saying.

  • Toxic parents: Not only we can brainwash you from early age that you only exist for our benefit and that your only purpose is to please us and make our lives easier, we can rob you of all of the family experiences you needed to grow and develop, we can inflict wounds and emotional injuries and fears that will haunt you for the rest of your life, but we can also invalidate everything you've been through and act like we're faultless and get away with everything without as much as feeling guilty or responsible, and convince everyone that it's all your fault and that we were great parents, and you, a failure and waste of space are ungrateful little vermin who dared to defy us by requesting basic human rights and non-hostile environment to live in.
  • Toxic parents: How dare you not give us unconditional love and forgiveness.

anonymous asked:

May I ask why you say those hashtags are missing the point? I'll admit, I have read the book but have not seen the show yet so maybe this is my fault for not understanding. But to me, those hashtags sound ok. Could you explain why?

Because the entire series is an introspective look on how we treat and handle suicide in incorrect, detached ways. We blame everyone but ourselves. Or we only blame ourselves.We blame the dead. Or we don’t put any blame on the dead. We mourn so we don’t feel guilty, or we mourn so we can be part of the situation, find a piece of the attention, so we can be seen. We jump on Facebook and Twitter and post different ways to “get help now” or that “you’re not alone”, but we don’t stop and ask what we ourselves might be doing to make someone feel that way. We don’t change our behavior. We don’t realize that every little thing we do or say can hit home for someone in a way that can profoundly effect them for the rest of their lives. 

Sometimes we’re the bullies, sometimes we’re the spectators. But we forget that spectating harmful behavior, can be just as bad as doing the deed itself. 

The point of the series is that we focus on the wrong issues. We place blame in the wrong places. We put band aids on open wounds that aren’t healing and think we’ve made a difference. We make suicide a social media movement instead of figuring out how to stop it from actually happening. 

I’m not saying Hannah Baker didn’t deserve better. Because she did. But this series wasn’t created so you can pick your favorite character, stan them, ship them, hashtag and tweet about them. You know why? Because no one should be your favorite character. Because everyone killed Hannah Baker. 

This series is meant to show you a realistic portrayal of how we are all part of the problem. It’s meant to shine a light on the fact that we need wake up and be a part of the solution that goes beyond social media statues and misplaced guilt after the fact of tragedy. It’s meant to make you think, talk, discuss…open your eyes to your surroundings, actually change your own behavior and stop glamorizing or romanticizing teen suicide (or suicide at all). 

It’s not meant to be a CW show. It’s meant to be real life. If you don’t feel guilty at the end of this series, if you don’t realize that there was a time in your life where you were a part of the problem, when you were part of the hurt…then watch it again. And keep watching it until you get what they are trying to tell you. 

xf fic: a blanket, the lights, and the sky

two college students, truth or dare, and a light in the sky.

(combined requests for an msr college au and msr truth or dare)

Scully’s flopped over his desk chair, writing furiously. She’s managed to steal both his sweatshirt and his glasses, and there’s a splotch of red on her cheek from where she’s been resting it on her hand. They’d agreed, somewhat, to study in his dorm room because it was quieter (his roommate transferred in the second month of the school year), but Mulder’s gotten little to no amount of work done. He has an article on a recent UFO sighting, highlighting up and down with neon green. “Hey, Scully,” he says.

She chews on her pen. “I have three pages left, Mulder.”

“Could you hand me the file on UFO sightings?”

She sighs heavily, reaches down and yanks open his drawer and pulls out his overflowing files (which are really just grimy manila folders kept from bursting open with rubber bands; he has an organization problem).

Balancing the folder on his pillow, Mulder flips through the crumpled sheets of lined paper until he finds what he’s looking for. Yep, just like he thought. “Hey, Scully, can you take a look at this?”

Mulder,” she hisses, shoving the glasses up her nose. “Three pages!”

“This’ll just take a minute.”

She sighs again, nods reluctantly.

There’s no other chair, so he sits beside her, their thighs pressed together. Scully scoots so they can sit somewhat comfortably, shoving her textbooks aside with annoyance so he can set his paraphernalia down. “Look,” he says, tapping his scrawl. “Here, last year, there were recorded lights in the sky, seen in the month of January, every night in this field. Same place. I talked to some people who saw them last year, and they have the same description in this recent article.”

Keep reading

10

You don’t realize it, Alfie, but you’re that teacher. The one who talks to us like we’re adults. The one who always helps us, no matter what. You’re the teacher that makes us feel good about ourselves for things that other people don’t even notice and that’s why you’re the teacher we’ll remember for the rest of our lives. And if you stopped being a teacher then, I’d feel guilty for all the kids who never got to be taught by Alfie Wickers. 

Not feeling the twin? Here’s why.

Since the beginning of 2017 it feels like the speed of life was halted. It pretty much reminds me of driving a car and slowing down before taking a turn, since the car didn’t stop completely. There are many planets which are turning direct from a retrograde move, to start with Mercury today, January 8th. This may also influence the way how we feel.

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anadyomede  asked:

Advice for anon who needs to break up with his girlfriend. There are all kinds of reasons and changes in our lives that push us to break up: realizing that your gender and orientation are different than you previously thought is a no better or worse reason to break up with someone than any other reason to break up. Something that's common for trans people is feeling guilty about breaking up for this reason because it's 'self-centered' or because we think we could keep it under wraps (1)

the rest is under the cut to save room!

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8

‘You don’t realise it, Alfie, but you’re that teacher. The one who talks to us like we’re adults. The one who always helps us, no matter what. You’re the teacher that makes us feel good about ourselves for things that other people don’t even notice. And that’s why you’re the teacher we’ll remember for the rest of our lives’

And if you stopped being a teacher, then I’d feel guilty for all the kids who never got to be taught by Alfie Wickers.

Matters of the Heart (Mark)

Originally posted by yoursummerdreamz

Requested by czarinaczarina: Can I request an angst scenario with Mark where he broke up with you, cause he thought he loved another girl only to find out she was only using him for fame. A year later he sees you having a coffee date with Jackson. Later he confronts you saying he regrets everything and wants to get back together with you.
Word count: 4031

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Story time:
There was a death at my school recently.
A 16 year old girl died in a car crash.
And this cloud of grief has settled over the world.
The profile pictures have been changed to black and we sit in silence as we mourn the life that was ended before it even began.
And it feels like we will all feel this way forever, like the sorrow will cling to us for the rest of our lives.
And what I want to know is,
When is it okay to be okay again?
After a tragic loss,
When is it okay for life to return to normal?
When do we change our profile pictures back to the ones of us smiling?
When do we laugh again like we mean it?
When do we go out in the sun for the first time and enjoy the warmth?
When do we fall asleep without the tears?
When do we have the right to go back to our normal lives without feeling guilty?
Because that’s how we feel.
We feel guilty for laughing again, for smiling again, for being okay again when the person we lost never will.
We feel guilty for moving on without them, for leaving them behind as time passes.
We feel guilty because we are still alive and they aren’t.
And I don’t know when or if this feeling ever goes away.
—  f.a.w

So tomorrow is The Final Problem.

I’ve seen it, so I won’t be revealing anything here. But as I think about it, and all the words from its creators and The Boss (that’s Sue), I find myself reflecting on it, as I think we all have been. I’m left with one overriding sentence in my head;

This show saved my life.

I was by no means suicidal when I first watched Sherlock. But I wasn’t in a great place. I had the love of my husband but my bubble went no further than him - I had not a single friend to call upon for a day shopping, or a cuppa and a chat. I was socially inept, lonely, desperately lacking confidence and desperately in need of something or someone to look forward to. It dawned on me, as I entered into my 30s, that my social anxieties and crippling insecurity had left me with nothing. I cried a lot back then.

And it had a knock on effect. My poor hubby would go off and do his thing and feel guilty because I couldn’t do the same. I had nothing to offer in conversation apart from what I’d done at work.

So when I ventured onto the BBC Sherlock Forum, and began engaging in episode analysis and chat, I connected with one person more than most, my darlin Bex. We DMd a lot, and it turned out she was coming to where I lived for a holiday. We met up, moved our conversation to twitter, and the rest - they say - is history.

From there blossomed a dear friendship with her and dozens of others. People (who know who they are) who I could honestly say will have my heart and friendship until my last breath.

Today, I go out - like properly out! My husband gets on with my friends and their husbands too. We go out together, or I come to London and adventures of my own. I’ve been to America to visit them & we do amazing things. I WEAR DRESSES.

Fact is, I have a life now. Social inclusion, people accept me and like me for who I am. PEOPLE LIKE ME.

To some people it might not mean much but to me, it means the world.

And all because of two men on their frankly ridiculous adventures.

If the show ended now, I would be sad, but you know what? I’d be ok. Because when I started watching it I was fledgling.

Now I can fly free on my own. What a gift. What an amazing gift.

Make it Official

Hey guys. Sorry for not writing. I have been really busy. I want to write more often. I am trying because I have so many ideas. I also want to do a multi chapter story. Without further ado I hope you enjoy this one.

———————————-
Lucas walked into the apartment he shared with the love of his life. He had just come back from work and couldn’t wait to see her. His back was to her as he hung up his coat.
“Hey baby, how was your da-” He stopped mid sentence when he turned around and saw his fiancè with tears running down her cheeks.
“Hey whats the matter?” He asked concerned.
“Me and Maya got into an argument and I don’t know if she’s gonna be my maid of honour or even come to the wedding.” Riley said as she sobbed. Lucas took her into his arms as she cried.
“What happened?” He asked.
“I don’t know. The day started out great. We went to go see my wedding dress. They had made all the alterations so I went to try it on. God it was perfect. It all felt real when I put it on. This whole wedding has seemed like a dream but when I saw myself in that dress I saw our wedding and us getting married. Anyways me and Maya went out for lunch and she told me she was pregnant. I was so happy for her, I mean she got what she has always wanted.” Riley said as Lucas ran his fingers through her hair comforting her.
“This sounds like a great day.” Lucas said.
“She then told me she wants to announce it on our wedding day and I said no. She got angry and called me selfish then walked out.” She told Lucas.
“Oh boy.” Lucas said.
“I am happy for her. It’s just me and her have always done everything together. I mean we shared family, experiences, we even shared you at one point. I just always thought my wedding day was something that we would experience separately. I want my wedding day to be about me and the man I love. I want to celebrate our love and how far we’ve come. I mean there was so many people who believed we wouldn’t make it. We have been through and overcome so much to get here. I don’t want it to be our wedding day and her baby announcement you know.” Riley said.
“I understand and you’re right. It is our day not hers. It’s okay for you to be selfish.” Lucas told her.
“Our wedding is the first day of the rest of our lives. I want it to stay that way. When we got engaged we didn’t announce it until after Maya’s wedding so we didn’t take over their special day. I don’t understand why she won’t do the same for me. Now I just feel guilty for not letting her. I don’t know if I can get married without her next to me. You know what i’ll just call her and tell her to do what she wants.” Riley cried as she reached for her cell phone which was taken by Lucas
“No it’s not about what she wants.” He said.
“I just don’t know what to do!” She cried.
“Hey look why don’t I run you a relaxing bath and sort out dinner. Just forget about it for the rest of the night. I will even give you one of my special massages.” He whispered suggestively kissing her neck to make her smile and it worked. She giggled at the feeling.
“I would really love that baby.” She said as she pecked his lips.
“Okay go get undressed while I get the bath ready.” He said.
“I love you Lucas.” She told him.
“I love you too Riles.” He replied. She walked to the bedroom to get ready for her bath.
————————————-
Lucas left the apartment to pick up dinner but he made a stop before. He stood outside Maya and Josh’s apartment. He knocked on the door and Josh answered.
“Hey is Maya home?” Lucas asked.
“Yeah. Come in.” Josh said.
“What do you want huckleberry?” Maya asked.
“I want you to know that what you asked of Riley was completely out of line.” He said.
“What’s out of line about wanting to share good news?” She asked.
“Theres a time and place. Our wedding day is not it.” Lucas said.
“Why are you guys being so selfish?” Maya said.
“Because it’s our day not yours. You had your day and Riley was nothing but selfless. She never told you this but we actually got engaged before your wedding day but Riley didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to take away from your big day.” Lucas told Maya.
“What?” Maya said confused.
“And I had come back to find her so upset at the fact she argued with you. She feels guilty for being selfish for once in her life on her day.” Lucas said.
“I’m sorry.” Maya said.
“You should be. Look Maya seeing her like that kills me. I will do anything to make her happy and will come after anyone who hurts her. Even her best friend. I love her more than anything and will always protect her. I really don’t want to have to protect her from you.” He said and Maya and Josh smiled.
“You are going to be a great husband.” Maya said.
“Yeah. Never lose that.” Josh added.
“I won’t. I better go. See you guys.” Lucas said as he made his way out.
“Bye huckleberry.” Maya said.
“Oh congrats by the way.” Lucas said smiling.
“Thanks dude.” Josh said and Lucas left.
————————————-
Lucas walked in again to see his fiance laughing at the TV. He was glad she was smiling.
“Hey babe I got dinner.” Lucas said as he put her favourite pizza on the table.
“You got me Al’s pizza?! Thats all the way across town.” She said excitedly.
“You had a rough day.” He said.
“This makes it better. You make it better.” She said.
“You know what else makes it better?” He asked.
“You shirtless?” She quipped.
“Well that and dessert.” He said grabbing a bag of goodies he bought for her.
“Lucas…” She said but he cut her off.
“I got cookie dough ice cream, red gummy bears and chocolate cake. I also thought we could rewatch the Notebook.” He said putting the items away.
“You always complain that we have watched it too many times.” She said.
“Yeah but it makes you smile so its worth it.” He said.
“Lucas thank you.” She said.
“Anytime.” He said and she kissed him before digging in.
“I went to talk to Maya. She needed to be told that its our day and I will not have her upsetting you.” He said.
“Lucas you didn’t have to do that. I can’t wait till we get married.” Riley said.
“Me either.” He said as he held her hand.
————————————-
Halfway through the movie Riley pulls Lucas in for a kiss.
“What was that for?” He asked.
“I love you so much.” She said.
“I love you too.” He replied.
“I can’t believe you are all mine for the rest of my life.” She said.
“Well once I become your husband you’ll have to believe it.” He said.
“Well I already consider you my husband. All we need to do now is make it official.” She said as she kissed him again. They were interrupted by Rileys phone.
“Maya sent me a text.” Riley said.
“What’s it say?” Lucas asked.
“She says she is sorry and she won’t say anything until after the wedding.” Riley said while replying that it was okay and that Maya’s maid of honour dress was ready tomorrow.
“So everything okay now?” Lucas asked.
“Yeah. Everythings perfect.” Riley said.
“Great.” Lucas said.
“I think I might cash in on that massage you promised.” Riley said while kissing Lucas’ neck.
“Here or the bedroom?” He asked.
“Bedroom.” She whispered as he picked her up to take her to their bedroom while she giggled knowing that her life was as perfect as it possibly could be.

Throne of Glass Series Predictions

*heir of fire spoilers!!!*

so in burning anticipation (ha burning- get it?) for queen of glass, i decided to type up predictions for the next book/the rest of the series. because honestly these books have taken over my life. im just stating where i think the plot is going, so feel free to disagree/agree/add your our opinions/predictions! 

  • Manon will have a change of heart:

so here we this badass witch that’s absolutely ruthless and then she gets a dragon and shit starts to change. she saves other’s lives who aren’t in her clan and feels guilty about killing a crochan witch. in other words its not really a change a heart- she’s growing a heart. i think this is set up so manon will eventually side with celaena(aelin?) and/or the crochan witches. plus if she’s with the crochans, she might lift the curse on her lands. whatever happens though, granny’s not gonna be happy.

  • Aedion will at least get a chance to see his cousin:

i’ll flip (and probably land on my face) if all that build up was for nothing. we first see aedion and think he’s a traitor and an arrogant asshole. then we find out about his puppy-like loyalty and now he’s…well still arrogant but totally adorable too– in like 7 foot-ripped-grown-man kind of way. so the complicity of his character and relationship with aelin makes me think that it has to lead up to something. you’ll see this theme all over this post- almost everything an author writes has a higher purpose in the plot.

  • Dorian won’t die from the Valg Collar (fingers crossed!!!):

like the point above, dorian’s character has come too far to die so soon (plus i will probably cause a devastating flood with my tears). he has always had the potential to become something more, and he just started acting on it. theres still so much about his heritage we don’t know, lots of parallels between him and gavin that haven’t been completed yet. players in an unfinished game…

  • I don’t think Rowan will be so lucky…

*violent sobbing while i type this* remember what i said about plot/character development and how it might help aedion and dorian? well this is where it backfires. now i’m not saying rowan will die in the next book (i rather him not die at all) but i think somewhere in the midst of this series we’ll be saying a heartwrenching goodbye to him. the reason for this is because…. he’s too cool. no honestly his character is already so well developed, with so many years of experience, there’s not much more room for him to develop anymore. and that’s the point where authors kick them (and our hearts) out. remember nehemia?

  • The Chaolaena ship has sunk:

*covers face and prepares for the attack* now before you jump through your computer and try to maul me, i have reasons! yes, actual contextual proof! first, i dont think i even need to point out all the symbolic things aelin said and did in HoF that showed her letting go. some may claim them as red herrings, but when a character makes momentous gestures (and several ones at that), they just cant go back on it. it’ll make the character move backwards rather than forward. also, if we decided to hop along the path of plot structure, youd see that chaolaena had peaked in the 2nd book. you cant go higher than your peak (thats why it’s called a peak). so many things happened between them that ruined their relationship that theyd never be able to go back to how it was. this means that theres no plot progression in their relationship and when theres no plot progression…theres no point in carrying it on.

  • Mauve will bite Celaena in the ass when she least expects it:

what’s worse that a evil king that enslaves innocent people, murders the defenseless, and turns precious princes into demon-slaves? how about an immortal fae queen who has probably already been doing all that stuff in secret with centuries of experience and has promised vengeance? we all now that mauve is a total bitch, and when we says revenge, she means it. i just hope that celeana/aelin wont be so caught up with the king that she forgets a potential bigger threat

  • The return of minor characters from prev books!:

i dont think i need to elaborate much on this but nox, roland, kaltain, hollin, and galan (yes that one prince who was described for like 2 lines) were all introduced for a reason. im curious to see what part they play. well, im curious for all the characters expect for hollin. get that deranged child away from me!

nikkisshadetree  asked:

"And, to end tonight's broadcast, we close with footage of President Grant out on - by our count - his fourth date with Madeline Spencer, CEO of...." Olivia let the sound of Kimberly Mitchell drown out as she watched Fitz on the screen escorting Madeline into their vehicle. Her heart constricted in pain, pain brought by Fitz taking charge of his life and putting Olivia's well thought out plan into action...without her, because she picked her gladiators. Because she was scared.

Damn you nikkisshadetree

It took a week of sleepless nights and countless bottles of wine for Olivia to summon the courage to call him and even when she had, the phone sat in her hand for half an hour before she dialed the number and an hour before she pressed send.

With each ring she was reminded of every single time she had chosen someone else, something else, over him. She was reminded of the sacrifices that he’d made for her and the cold shoulder that she had returned to him. The thoughts did nothing to help the constricting pain in her chest but made it the worse that she had experienced since it had made its initial appearance in the Oval Office. She takes another swig from the half empty bottle in front of her, she’s long since abandoned glasses when they just seemed to take up time that she could have spent drinking, and moves the phone away from her ear to hang it up when it goes silent.

“Hello?" 

His voice is gruff as it makes its way to her and her eyes immediately fill with tears.

"Hello?” He says again, this time, the agitation at the silent caller is clear.

“It’s me.” Is all she can get out, suddenly overwhelmed with the reality that she could say anything and this time he would hear her.

There’s slight shifting on the other side of the line, like he’s gathering himself and Olivia almost hangs up, plagued with the thought that he’d taken that girl back to the White House with him. That Madeline Spencer had walked through the Rose Garden hand in hand with him like she used to. That Madeline Spencer had made love to him in all of the places that she had, erasing the memory of her like she’d never been there. It only bothered her because there was nothing wrong with her. She was a perfectly respectable woman with a perfectly respectable career. The only problem was that her name was Madeline Spencer and not Olivia Pope.

“It’s me…it’s Olivia.” She repeats quietly when he doesn’t say anything. “You’ve been all over the news lately.”

His end of the line is silent again and she’s instantly frightened at the previously unforeseen possibility that he may very well ignore her. She lets out a huge sigh of relief when his voice comes through the line again and although it’s exasperated and weary, it caresses her body just like it used to.

“You didn’t call me at 2 in the morning to talk about the news.” He pauses for a second before continuing, his voice lower than before. “Or maybe you did, it seems like every time I think that I know what you want or what’s going on in your head, I’m wrong.”

The rising anger in his voice is apparent.

“I deserved that-”

“Yes, you do.” He interrupts, the small kindling turning into an all-out raging fire within him. “What you don’t deserve is for me to answer your calls like you still matter to me.”

Olivia nods her head at that, taking the phone away from her face so that he can’t hear sharp intake of breath or sniffling at his words. She deserved them, no doubt about that, but this was never the Fitz that she had known. He had never been callous to her and he had never sent underhanded jabs her way. She had never been, rightly so, on the receiving end of his wrath. The one time she had been was because she had rigged an election in his name. She could justify that, though. She did it for him. No matter how angry he was at her, she could justify why she had lied to him, gone behind his back, and ultimately betrayed him. What she couldn’t justify was why she had left him all alone.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. I just wanted to ask you about how you were doing.” She whispers, unsure of the answer that she’s going to get from her confession.

“You don’t have a right to ask that anymore.” Fitz chortles in unamused humor. “Why don’t you ask your Gladiators how they are? They’re the important ones right?”

Olivia shakes her head, knowing that he can’t see her but hoping that her emotions are transparent through the phone. That she’d made a stupid decision. That she regretted walking away every single second since she’d done it. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t say it because as much as she wanted Fitz to know how sorry she was, swallowing her pride was a hard thing to do. Admitting she was wrong was even harder.

“Never mind.” She mumbles into the phone, ignoring his question. “I’ll just go. I shouldn’t have called.”

Before she can end the call his voice yells out for her.

“Wait.” He demands, sounding like he’d run up 10 flights of stairs and still had 10 more to go. “I’m sorry.”

His voice is small when it reaches her again and his words do nothing but make her feel more guilty.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry.”

They sit in silence. Listening to the other breathe. Breathing all of their thoughts into the receiver like they could be translated on the other end.

“You said we could have a life together.” He croaks, almost as if he’d been crying while they weren’t speaking. “I told you that I wanted to marry you and you said that you could make it happen, that you would fix it so that we could be together for the rest of our lives. You let me believe that were going to be happy together, that you were going to be my first lady and then you left me. You gave me hope and then you walked away.”

They’re both silent again. Letting his words marinate.

“I didn’t want to ruin you. I’ve already done enough. I just…I’m the person that rigs elections and lies to you about it. I already ruined you. I couldn’t let myself do anymore damage.”

“That’s the problem Olivia. You can’t try to fix problems that don’t exist and you can’t fix people. I’m not ruined. I’m fine but you made it up in your mind that there could be a problem and that you were the problem and you ran. You didn’t even give me a choice.”

She can’t refute that so she doesn’t even try.

“Are you happy with her?” She asks softly, unsure if she really wants the answer. “Are you happy with Meredith?”

He chuckles into the phone and the sound almost brings a smile to her face.

“I know that you know that her name is Madeline.” He pauses, giving her a second to contest and when she doesn’t he continues. “She’s alright. She gets the job done.”

And suddenly Olivia is sick to her stomach. She figured they had kissed, maybe some heavy petting was involved but even though her wildest dreams had speculated that they’d slept together, she refused to believe that they were true. That another woman knew what it was like to be underneath him, writhing in ecstasy. That another woman knew all of the ways that his tongue could pleasure her. She also never thought that he would tell her outright.

Her gasp tipped him off to her train of thought and he corrected himself immediately.

“What I meant was that she’s okay with a few dates. We decided on ten. The publicity will help her company and, of course, I get the benefit of having my lot of women to choose from when we’re done.”

“Your lot of women?” Her question is pointed but his reply is simple.

“Yes, my lot of women.”

There’s a lull in the almost steady conversation that causes him to speak again.

“Livvie?”

Her heart clenches at that. The way that he said her name hadn’t changed but it did nothing to quell her every growing fear that he had moved on. He had just said it in so many words, hadn’t he?

“I’m still here.” She answers, trying her hardest to keep her emotions out of her voice.

“The plan was that I would go on a few dates and then I would let everyone know that I’d fallen in love with my good friend and trusted advisor, right?”

She nods even though he can’t see her and he continues without her verbal answer.

“I’m still dating Madeline but we won’t be together in a few weeks and if by then you’d like to go on a few dates, I’d be happy to take you on some and then maybe we can make that announcement.”

“You want to go on a date?” She asks, her voice colored with shock.

“If you would like to. I fell in love with a woman a few years ago and I can’t seem to get her out of my system no matter how hard I try, so if you would like to give us another go, I’m willing to but we have to make a deal.”

“What’s that?”

“That once we’re together, that’s it. No more breaking up and fighting over nothing. We start fresh but we’ll always love each other so there’s no point in acting like we’re going to move on with other people. You have to promise that you’ll never choose anything else over me, even your job, and I don’t think I really have to promise you the same thing sense we both know that nothing is more important than you but I will if you need me to.” Fitz pauses and then adds an afterthought. “And no lies. We’re both completely honest about everything. Even if the truth is the hardest thing that we we’ll ever have to tell each other, we still tell it.”

She starts nodding again, it’s almost constant at this point.

“I can do that.” Her voice cracks as she speaks, unprepared for the onslaught of feelings that covered her at his forgiveness.

“Good and then one day you’ll be my wife. You will be my first lady and we will be together for the rest of our lives.”

She doesn’t say anything and instead lets the fairytale of a life that he’s imagining take over her brain as well.

“I love you, Fitz.” She declares, her voice clear and steady. “I’m in love with you.”

And her small admission, although it wasn’t exactly a new one, brings a smile to his face.

“So, we’re in this together?” He asks, mimicking the tenor of his voice that he used the first time that he had asked her the very same question.

“We’re in this together.” She answers, a smile taking over her face as well at the familiarity of the conversation.

They soak in the silence left behind by pleasant turn in their exchange. Breathing each other in. Immersing in the feeling of togetherness after so long.

“Goodnight, Livvie.” He finally whispers.

“Goodnight, Mr. President.”

And then he’s gone. And she’s alone. It’s a different type of alone, though. A more comforting alone than what she was saturated in just an hour ago.

She gets up from the couch and grabs a fluke, pouring a glass of wine for herself and turning her television back on. Kimberly Mitchell is going on about the presidential romance of Fitzgerald Grant III and Madeline Spencer again but this time Olivia feels hope instead of dread as their appearance is recounted. Her fear and pain has been chased away by his words and forgiveness and she doesn’t ever want to hurt or be that scared again.

It was a new world.

anonymous asked:

Can you write sth about the Amis having to take care of a sad and stressed Courfeyrac?

The problem with Courfeyrac, it’s that he thinks he’s on some kind of divine mission to make people happy. His friend is sad? He’ll do absolutely everything in his power to make them smile! His friend got a bad grade? He’ll take them to dinner. A kid is crying in the street? Hell he’ll buy them a balloon and tell them a lame joke!

Problem is, it gets kind of draining. Courfeyrac keeps saying making people happy is his business, and business can’t rest. Until he starts feeling guilty about not being able to help everybody.

When Combeferre finds him crying and saying he’s useless, he has to put his foot down. 

He burrito wraps Courfeyrac in a nice blankie, shoves him on the couch and plays with his hair: “You’re not useless, love. You make tons of people happy everyday! All you have to do is flash your dimples and we’re already smiling! You comforted Joly after a trying test. You made Feuilly lunch the other day. You’re such a big part of our lives!”

Grantaire brings his kittens, because kittens always make everything better. Courfeyrac starts to cry agains because they’re too cute and they don’t do shit all day and they still bring people happiness why wasn’t he born as a kitten what sort of injustice is that?