and egbert was his name

oh! haha, hi! my name is john, you probably don’t know who I am obviously. i just found this social media while looking at por- porcupines!! but yeah, maybe send some asks my way so I have something to do im my free time.


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Quick Note: This ask blog is sorta like an au, an au where SBURB was never made and John never met anyone like, Dave, Rose, etc. so, it’s our unharmed boi John. i mean, I dunno if this idea will be boring but hey let’s give it a shot.

HSETAU FACT DUMP ABOUT: THE EGBERT FAMILY!!

 The Wayward Vagabond was the first carapace to arrive on the planet Earth, interrupting John Egbert’s math homework by crash landing in the backyard of the Egbert household. After a few hilarious antics of trying to hide WV from his father, the Egberts ultimately decide to keep WV as a guest in their home and he slowly becomes more of a “weird uncle” than an “alien invader” to their home.

 Jinsei “Jane” Kuroki is the child of Japanese immigrants, born on November 11, 1932 in Tokyo and arriving in Seattle, Washington when she was two. When she was ten years old, she and her family were interned into the Washington state Japanese Internment Camp on April 20th of 1942, known as Camp Harmony. After her family was released from internment in 1945, they moved to Maple Valley, WA and Jane had the idea of starting a joke shop, refusing to drift without purpose after internment.

 At the age of 35, Jane married a white man, took on his last name, and became Jane Egbert. Four years later, her son Yori Egbert was born on January 4, 1971. After Jane’s husband died of illness, Yori took up the family joke business and runs it alongside Jane so excellently that the Prankster’s Gambit now has two other locations; one in Idaho Falls, Idaho in the US and one in Ikoma, Nara in Japan. They have a system in place whenever they need to do business in their other locations: first Jane goes on her own leaving Yori to take care of John, then Yori goes on his own leaving Jane to take care of John, then Jane and John go together, then Yori and John go together, and finally the whole family leaves at once. They have a second home in Ikoma and an apartment in Idaho Falls as a result.

 John Egbert was born on April 13, 2003 during a short-lived marriage between Yori and a paramour he had while in Tokyo. After an amicable divorce, Yori and his wife went their separate ways with Yori’s family gaining full custody of John due to their higher net worth and income. John doesn’t know his mother very well and he doesn’t really care that much, but he gets postcards from her sometimes. John loves his family, space, gaming, cartoons, bad movies, pranks, and being a gentleman, and he’s very connected to his Japanese heritage as a result of visiting and living in Japan as often as the United States. He is very kind to WV and spends much of his time teaching WV how to speak English, which is fairly simple for him as he is bilingual to begin with (English and Japanese).

Sup

Everyone knows what their soulmate’s first words to them will be. The sentence is inscribed on their wrist in their soulmate’s handwriting from birth. Everyone’s words are different; some long, some short, some in neat cursive, and some look like they were written by a five year old.

A young man named John Egbert had been frustrated by his word his entire life. The word was written on John’s wrist in sloppy chicken scratch handwriting. “Sup?” It was such a commonly used word that John found himself disappointed almost every day of his life. He didn’t want it to be a huge deal, but it really bugged him. Every time someone said that one three lettered word, John had to awkwardly find out if the other person’s wrist matched what John had said to them.

The worst instance was when John met Vriska. She was tall and slender with long black hair. John was sure that she was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. She was a friend of his sister, Jade. John had heard a lot about Vriska and was really excited to meet her. He sat on their living room couch, waiting nervously for her to arrive to Jade’s movie party.

When Vriska finally walked in, all of the air was sucked from John’s lungs, and he couldn’t remember how to refill them for a while. She walked over to where he was sitting and said THE word. “Sup?”

Keep reading

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Casual reminder that Jade is not the only sibling to act out her self-hatred via proxies

I’m sure everyone made this connection, but I figured I’d remind you

Hi my name is John Egbert and I have long ebony black hair with blue streaks and white tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Nick Cage (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Roxy Lalonde but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also an incubus, and I go to a roleplaying site called Cherubplay in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and black leather booty shorts, blue fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and blue eye shadow. I was walking around Cherubplay. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of roleplayers stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Humans. Carapaces. Trolls. Consorts. Long ago, the four kingdoms lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when Calibron attacked. Only the God Tier, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new God Tier, an airbender named John Egbert. And although his airbending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone. But I believe John Egbert can save the world.“

Space, Time, Light, Breath.  Long ago two worlds lived together in harmony.  Then everything changed when Derse attacked.  Only the Heir of Breath, wielder of hammerkind could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he was asleep.  Time has passed & my friends & I are now with the awoken Heir, a boy named Egbert.  And although his hammer skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone.  But I believe John can save the world.

captiancrashcourse  asked:

What is Homestuck?!

//cracks fingers

Let me tell you about Homestuck.

Tbh it’s a really dumb and emotional comic that has a shitload of characters, it literally took me seven-ish months to memorize all their names and God Tier roles, and (after the first act, bc tbh the first act is the worst) it will draw you in and make you cry and get you invested in people who are going to die, because everyone in this comic dies at least once, seriously, and will just overall ruin your life.

Okay but for an actual description:

Once a society reaches it’s peak, a game is “created” and released. That game has many names, but the concept is the same: open the game and take one or more friends and start a “session”, the games triggers the apocalypse and ends your world, so you have to play through it and survive long enough to win. The final objective of the game is to create a new universe, in which, you and your “session members” as the gods! No one to our knowledge has successfully won the game.

So now that you have the concept, imagine a stereotypical adventure video game, like Legend of Zelda. You know the name entering screen? That’s what Homestuck starts with, only you don’t really get to enter the name. The main character is, hypothetically, John Egbert, the loser standing in his room who didn’t have a name before his 13th birthday. The comic goes through the game of John Egbert, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, and Rose Lalonde, and tells you how they literally fucked everything up for everyone ever. Like really, almost everything bad in the comic is somewhat their fault.

Or at least that’s what you think before you meet the Trolls. You’ve probably heard of them, especially if you’re following me. They’re the weird looking gray people with candy corn horns that I reblog occasionally. The Trolls are another race, people who played the game before John and friends and won. They created John’s universe, and would’ve ruled it like bosses, but whoops, there’s also a fucking universal teleporting dogman (who was actually created by John’s session) who ruined their chances of actually being able to leave the plane of their session, so they get stuck in their session and spend the entirety of John’s session helping/harassing the humans. Eventually, after a lot of sexual tension and death, they all end up working together to kill the ~~ULTIMATE BOSS~~ and the before mentioned dogman, but they haven’t yet in comic.

I don’t think I could tell you any more without horribly spoiling it, so I just have to tell you that it’s awesome, and that you should read it~ hope I was at least semi-helpful!

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Read Chapter 1 of Heir, Seer, Knight, Witch on AO3!

Once upon a time, there was a boy named John Egbert, on the cusp of his 18th birthday and heir to the Prospit crown.

His three best friends are a seer, a knight, and a witch, and they are the three last people that his court advisers want him to trust.

Hey guys, look, it’s that fic I won’t shut up about! Go read and find out why Dave is making that dumb expression!

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I AIN’T GOIN TO HEAVEN

I ALREADY SOLD MY SOUL TO HUSSIE