and dean has a hard time telling cas to leave so there's emotional pain on his face

The Prisoner

It’s alright to cry,

Even my dad does sometimes,

So don’t wipe your eyes,

Tears remind you you’re alive.

“DEAN? CAS?” You walked into the bunker seeing one of your bestfriends bloody surrounded by a pile of dead bodies. You ran to his aid which he declined healing himself instantly.

“Where’s Dean?” You asked suddenly feeling sick from the loss of life around you. Your eyes trailed to a young boys lifeless ones and you saw the innocence in his eyes. He seemed 17 and the thought of someone mercilessly killing a teenager sickened you.

“Dean was here, he did this” Castiel waved his arms around emphasising his point. You dropped your bag and crouched to the ground with your hand on your mouth. You shook your head as you wiped the tears and you combed your fingers through your hair.

“N-no he couldn’t have. H-he wouldn’t do that” Cas wiped the blood that remained on his healed face and he shrugged off his jacket.

“I thought so too but the evidence is everywhere” Cas began to move the bodies while you stayed put, frozen from the shock that had overtaken your entire body. Your thoughts were cut short until your phone began to rang and Dean’s specific ringtone played.

You attacked your bag and began to pull out random objects you owned in order to get to your phone. You remembered how Dean constantly made fun of your overcrowded bag and that bitter sweet memory had clouded your vision further. You found your phone seeing the caller I.D read DEAN and you answered it while you raised your shaky hand to your ear. After a few seconds of silence and Dean’s gruff breathing you inhaled deeply before sobbing.

“I’m so sorry.” Dean whispered. You released a strangled sob from trying to talk and Dean kept breathing heavily, as if determination had taken over his entire body.

“You need to know I love you and that I always will. No matter what’s going to happen know I love you, Y/N” You saw Cas walked from taking out the last body and he stopped when he saw your hysteric state.

“Dean please come home. Come back to me, please” Dean knew you meant more than for him to run back into your arms. He knew you wanted old him, the Dean that worried about his little brother not getting enough sleep, the Dean that watch the stars with you by his side, the Dean that wouldn’t kill a teenager without mercy.

“I cant… theres nothing left Y/N.” Cas was now by your side and you heard the slight whimper in Dean’s voice. “I tried so damn hard but look what happened. Charlie’s dead because of me. I know I blamed Sam but it’s not his fault, not really. These people are risking their fucking asses for me, for something I took on by my own will and it’s not worth it. My mistake isn’t worth their lives. Plus theres nothing left to save!” Dean mumbled into his car and your heart pained with every breath you took.

“I know i haven’t showed it lately but you will always be the girl that left me breathless… take care of Sammy. Bye, Y/N”

“no… N-N-NO DEAN WAIT” You heard deafening beeps coming from the other side of the phone and you called back hearing nothing but a women say his phone was out of signal.

Cas placed his hand on your shoulder and you put both of your palms on your forehead. Truth be told you and Dean stopped acting like a couple ever since he killed Cain. You stopped sleeping in the same bed, he stopped kissing you spontaneously and this was the first time he’d said I love you in weeks. You just wished it wasn’t in the form of a goodbye.

It’s alright to die,

Cause deaths the only thing you haven’t tried,

But just for tonight,

Hold on.

“What did he say?” Castiel asked sympathetic of your emotions.

“Goodbye”  with that Sam entered the bunker to see pools of blood on the wooden floors and your bloodshot broken eyes. He ran down the stairs and the strong scent of kerosene caused his eyebrows to furrow.

“What happened?” Cas looked up to Sam and pulled him out of the library away from you. You couldn’t comprehend their harsh whispers but you just stared at your wallpaper on your phone. It was the rarest moment you could have ever captured on camera. It was Sam, Cas and Dean laughing all at the same time while they stood around baby. You smiled at the memory and wiped the droplets of tears on your screen. Sam walked in and sat down next to you.

“Y/N are you okay?” Sam asked with his caring voice he uses on the victims families you’d interview.

“He’s gone Sammy. All that work for nothing. The hours of research wasted, he’s gone.” You whispered avoiding his question. Sam noticed your balled fists turning white and your face became sickeningly pale. He extended his arm and picked you up into his arms. You laid your head on his chest while you silently sobbed, he walked into your room and set you down gently on your bed.  

So live life like you’re giving up,

Cause you act like you are,

Go ahead and just live it up,

Go on and tear me apart.

“We’ll find him Y/N, we will” Sam sat next to you on your bed as you held your head in your palms.

“He doesn’t want to be found Sam. That’s the thing. You Winchesters are experts in going underground” You got up from your bed and walked to the sink, washing your face.

“We’ll get the mark off him” Sam said determined as if he was reciting a fact with a hint of self doubt.

“And then what? He’ll be normal again? Please that only happens in the movies” You patted your face down with your towel and walked over to your cupboard pulling out some hunters helper. You poured the amber liquid into your glass and swallowed the whole thing down lukewarm.

“We need to have faith that he can boun-FAITH? really Sam. You’re gonna base this off fucking faith? What has having faith gotten us? huh? No tell me exactly when faith has helped anyone?” You questioned as you poured more whiskey into your glass. “I had faith that Dean would come back to us, to me but nope, he’s out there somewhere… possibly killing something without hesitation. So pardon me if I dont want to bet my money on faith.” You walked around the room while Sam stayed quiet and listened to your ranting.

It’s alright to shake,

Even my hand does sometimes,

So inside we rage,

Against the dying of the light.

“Hey maybe I’m selfish? But it’s been MONTHS since he’s shown the side of Dean we love. That mark on his damn arm is making him into a demon without the eyes i mean i’m scared Sammy. I cant keep going knowing my last memory of him was bashing his best friend’s face in” You felt the alcohol affect your head causing it to feel lighter than a feather. 

You put your glass and bottle on the table as you held onto the chair for support. Sam saw your lack of stability and he held your elbows so you could stand upright. He stared deep into your eyes and you felt him knock down every barrier you put up leaving you vulnerable.

Over the months the younger winchester has been more of a boyfriend then Dean has ever been in the last year. You never cheated on him though in times of comfort Sam was always there for you to lean on. No matter what time of the day or night, Sam let you into his bed to sleep or let you pour your heart out.

“I loved him” You whispered as Sam enveloped you into a hug. You rested your head in the crook of his neck and he kissed the top of your head.

It’s alright to say that deaths the only thing you haven’t tried,

But just for today,

Hold on.

“If i know anyone who can make it through this, it’s Dean. We’re close Y/N. We have the spell, now Rowena has to translate and before you know it, we’re eating crap food in a diner again. We can get through this, together. “ Sam put you at arm’s length and he kissed your slightly burning forehead.

So live life like you’re giving up,

Cause you act like you are,

Go ahead and just live it up,

Go on and tear me apart,

Hold on.

“What if we cant? What if we never see him again, Sam?” Your eyes fluttered upwards to meet his.

“Then we keep going. But i don’t doubt for a second that we should give up hope! This is Dean we’re talking about! He’s gone to hell and came back, he’s been a vampire, a dog and a bunch of other crap that would make any normal person go insane. And if there’s one thing I know about my big brother it’s that he’ll never give up” You nodded somewhat believing Sam’s words. You felt your eyelids droop and sleep crowded your mind.

“Sleep with me tonight?” You innocently asked Sam and he nodded. You removed your pants and shirt leaving you in a tanktop as Sam removed his shirt and jeans. You made your way into your bed as Sam soon followed afterwards. He wrapped his arm around you and your eyes closed slowly.

“Sam is this right?” You asked as you rolled over facing towards him. He pushed your hair out of your face and he caressed your cheek.

“It feels right.” Sam commented and you nodded against his palms. You set your head on his chest and after a while your soft breathing was the only thing Sam could hear apart from his thoughts.

“We’ll find him” Sam whispered before surrendering to the temptation of sleep. Meanwhile Dean stared at his despair filled eyes in the mirror that taunted him. He looked back at his bed seeing it unappetising as you weren’t there. The last time Dean had a good nights rest was months ago, when you last slept with him. 

Ever since then every night was a simply a long nap that was never satisfying. And even after the constant auto replays of I’m okay Dean began to second guess his instincts knowing there was no possible bounce back from this. So Dean passed the bed and picked up his keys along with his phone and drove off to the nearest bar to do what he did best. To drink his sorrow away. 

Live life like you’re giving up,

Cause you act like you are,

Go ahead and just live it up,

Go on and tear me apart,

And hold on.