and cheerwine

Bitty’s Southern

Bitty is a southern boy and as a southern girl let me tell you there are things he does that make the rest of SMH go “Ummm….what?” 

  • He says stuff that makes literal ZERO sense to the rest of the team. Mostly southern phrases etc. LIKE, “That boy is about of useless as tits on a bull.” or  if it’s raining but the sun is out Bits just says, “Devil must be beatin’ his wife.”  Everyone is confused as shit.
  • “Oh my goodness I want Chick-fil-a. BUT IT’S SUNDAY.”
  • Holster going,” Hey Bits can you hand me a coke?” and Bitty responding with, “Sure, which kind do you want? We’ve got sprite, mtn dew, dr. pepper…” BC in the south every soda is a coke.
  • “Y’all know what I miss the most about Georgia? Cheerwine. And Duke’s Mayo. You northerners keep using that hellman’s stuff or miracle whip and let me tell you. IT. IS .NOT. MAYONNAISE.”
  • “IT’S SO HOT! Summer is the WORST” “Ransom, It’s like, 70 degrees. It gets up to like 115+ in Georgia. And it’s not even humid! You hush your mouth.”
  • The first time Bitty goes to Stop & Shop with one of the guys from SMH he tells them to grab a buggy on their way in and said member stares at him for a second, “What’s a buggy?” “Oh for goodness sake. A shopping cart! We need a shopping cart!”
  • Bitty’s drunk at a kegster when he suddenly shouts, “WHO WANTS TO PLAY CORNHOLE?!” 
  • It’s New Years so of course Bitty’s making black eyed peas, collards, cornbread, ham, and a pineapple upside down cake. “It’s for luck.”
  • Bitty will be checking Facebook and be like, “Oh bless his heart.” Chowder notices him fretting over the phone so he asks what’s up “Oh it’s just one of my friend from high school’s dad.” and Chowder, being the precious person that he is, responds with, “Oh no. What happened? Is he ok?” Bitty just shakes his head, “He’s done went and fell out of the deer stand. Again. Broke his arm and bruised his pride. You think he would’ve learned his lesson after the same thing happened last huntin’ season”
  • Jack’s all dressed up in a suit or something, he has a meeting with the Falcs, “What are you all gussied up for?”
  • “Look at what all I got up at the outlet mall!!”
  • Rans/Holster/Bitty share a bathroom so I reckon this has happened at least once: “Neither of y’all go in the bathroom! I’m fixin’ to shower”  to which Holster responds, “What was that Bits? What are you fixing?” Bitty hollers from his room, arm full of clothes, “I’m fixin’ to shower!” Ransom chimes in, “I didn’t know the shower was broken!” At this point Bitty is getting frustrated,“Oh for the love of Pete! You Yankees.” He speaks slowly and pronounces each word carefully, “I am going to go take a shower so please do not go and hog the bathroom.”
  • “So I was talking to Momma and APPARENTLY Mrs. Jones, the one that lives down the road, was rude as all get out.” “Really? What’d she do?” Bitty just throws his hands up, “Momma and Coach were drivin’ back to the house and Mrs. Jones was driving in the opposite direction so of course Momma waves at her. AND SHE DIDN’T WAVE BACK.”
  • I know for a FACT that at some point Bits makes a pitcher of sweet tea, puts it in the fridge, and the boys/Lardo finds it. “What’s this?” “Oh, it’s just some tea. You want some?” So Bitty pours them a glass and approximately 2 seconds later “WHAT IS THIS? IT’S LIKE SYRUP! Bits this isn’t tea! It’s diabetes in a cup!”
  • “Just rub some bacon grease on it.”
  • “Don’t you dare pour that coffee out! I can use it for gravy!”
  • “You know what food I miss? Fried pickles. No, wait, HUSHPUPPIES. I’d kill for some right now.”
Fantasy Costco Products: Round 3

Rusted Can of Cheerwine - Has seen some shit, but seems to be radiating with vital energies. Grants +5 max HP. (400 GP)

Virtuoso’s Mask - Allows you to cast Disguse Self as a Cantrip instead of a 1st Level Spell. (1100 GP)

Throwing Shield - Confers the same AC bonus as a regular shield, and can be used as a thrown weapon. Can travel IN A STRAIGHT LINE up to 30 feet, and deals 1d8 + STR/Prof. Damage. IT DOESN’T COME BACK TO YOU AFTERWARDS. AND DON’T TRY TO RICOCHET THIS SHIT. (1200 GP)

Alchemist’s Ring: 500gp

When the wearer of this ring imbibes a healing potion, they receive 1d6 additional healing.

Healing Potion - 50 GP each (3 in stock)

Heals the imbiber for 2d4+2 HP.

Haunted Doll - 100 GP
This doll is very creepy. If its owner ever fails a third death save, the doll will take the hit instead, and will die in place of its owner.

Chris Callison-Burch: SHIELD OF HEROIC MEMORIES (1200 GP)

This perfectly round silver shield initially has a mirror finish. As a hero takes it into battle it remembers the enemies encountered, gaining a +1 to AC on any subsequent battle with creatures of that type. The events of the battle are intricately engraved onto the shield’s surface (which has a seemingly endless capacity for detail).

The bearer of the shield may also attempt to recount past battles (real or imagined) to the shield. Upon a DC 10 charisma check or DC 15 bluff check, the shield confers a +1 AC against the creatures described in the tall tales.

3 failed attempts at recounting stories cause the shield to be cleared of all of its memories. The engravings disappear. It reverts to its mirror finish. All bonuses are lost.

Asher Vollmer:  The Anti Gravity Sphere (500 GP)

a small fist-sized glass ball filled with a silvery smoke. When the sphere is destroyed, it disables the effect of gravity on everything in a 30ft radius.

Drew Davenport: The Glutton’s Fork (750 GP)

Once a day this fork will allow the user to eat any non-magical item they can fit in their mouth and gain 2d6 points of health. Just tap the fork on the item and it will turn edible.

Ben C: The Champion’s Belt (800 GP)

This ornate belt is given to someone who has bested all opponents in a test of strength.  Once per day the wearer may substitute their Strength score for their Wisdom or Charisma when making a stat check.

Matthew Wallace: Phone a friend scrying bones (500 GP)

Once per day, can be used to ask a yes, no, or maybe question to the fates (DM). There are three bones carved into people with happy faces and sad faces. All happy faces means yes, all sad faces mean no, anything in between means maybe. The DM can respond or choose not to answer.

Tom H: The Nit Picker (900 GP)

Physical Description: Resembles a miniature garden gnome that carries lock picking tools in his hands. When not in use, looks like a 4" inch tall statue.

Use: Twice daily, can be placed in front of a locked object to unlock it (functions as the spell “Knock”). At this point, the statue comes to life in order to pick the lock. After the lock is picked (or if he is unable to open it), reverts back to an inanimate statue.

Side Effects: While picking the lock, the Nit Picker critiques any or all members of the party on their recent performance in the campaign. Nothing escapes the critical eye of the Nit Picker, no matter how small the perceived offense.

Samantha Poremba: Plastic Sheriff Badge (500 GP)

Adds +3 to bluff checks when impersonating a person of authority.

Colin Williams: Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom - 60,000 GP

A sword with a gigantic blade, wreathed in flames and with a crooked, oozing scorpion’s stinger affixed to its point. Deals an extra 20 melee damage.

Bianca Rodriguez - No-Sodium Salt Shaker: (400 GP)

this might look like a simple salt shaker, but the contents have been bewitched to turn a bright shade of pink if sprinkled over food or drink that contains poison!

Timothy Riina-Ferrie (and others) - The Immovable Rod (1100 GP)

Immovable Rod: This rod is a flat iron bar with a small button on one end. When the button is pushed (a move action), the rod does not move from where it is, even if staying in place defies gravity. Thus, the owner can lift or place the rod wherever he wishes, push the button, and let go. Several immovable rods can even make a ladder when used together (although only two are needed). An immovable rod can support up to 8,000 pounds before falling to the ground. If a creature pushes against an immovable rod, it must make a DC 30 Strength check to move the rod up to 10 feet in a single round.

Eric Atkinson: Diadem of Fabulous Truthiness! 900 GP - Once per long rest, you can channel your terminal fabulousity into this simple circlet and cast a free Zone of Truth, limited to a single target rather than a radius. Confound your enemies, emasculate your friends, and free up your cleric’s spell slots so he can do some actual healing. 

North Carolina Gothic
  • The statues at the Capitol are in slightly different positions every time you see them, but no one else seems to notice. You must be imagining things, they say. You don’t imagine the statue with bared teeth, staring straight at you.
  • People joke about the football team rivalries, pretend it’s all friendly camaraderie. It wasn’t very friendly when two boys died while walking home from the big game last week. Make sure your children stick close.
  • Construction has been going on on the road by your house for years. Sometimes in the middle of the night you hear jackhammers. The road will never be completed. 
  • Every soda comes out tasting like Cheerwine. You don’t like Cheerwine. You drink it anyway.
  • Rich kids come every year from the north to go to school. It’s a test, to see if they can make it through the summer heat. None of them last. No one misses them.
  • The wind whistles through your hair at the Outer Banks and you shiver, looking down at the footprints in the sand. Nothing human is big enough to make those footprints. You hear a faint cry in the distance, but it is muffled by the waves crashing onto the shore. When you look down again, the footprints are gone.
  • Yellow fever, they call it, the pollen that invades every year, coating houses and cars and the inside of your lungs. You don’t remember what it’s like to be clean. You cover your mouth with a damp rag and stuff cloths under doorframes, but it’s never enough. You can taste it in your esophagus. 
  • The fields howl at night, when you were little your mama told you it was just the wind. You would sleep with your fingers pressed into your ears, telling yourself it was just the wind, and trying not to think about the bobcats surrounding your house.
North Carolina Gothic

you are invited to a party in a wealthy town. everyone there is from the north. yankees live in packs and groups. you do not trust them. they must be planning something.

the deer are in the garden again. the deer are eating something. it is winter, and nothing is growing right now. 

cheerwine is listed as a beverage option at a restaurant. you must order cheerwine. no one has turned down cheerwine since 1963. coincidentally, that was the same month people said the cheerwine looked redder.

you make the mistake of ordering iced tea on a trip out to the western US. you go into anaphylactic shock when you taste that it is not sweet.   

there are forecasts of snow. all the milk and bread is gone. when the snow hits everything stops. everything. stops.

march rolls around. you know what is coming. they know what is coming. the moisture suffocates the weak and drowns the strong. no one is truly safe. 

you smell something terrible. it smells like death. “it’s just the bradford pears”, you whisper. you say it again. you still don’t believe it.

you are choking. you are not surprised. you do nothing. you can not fight pollen. you can do nothing. you are still choking.

kenobi-and-barnes  asked:

4,5,9,10,11 for the Long List

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes, if I don’t trust someone there’s no relationship.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Naw, I don’t have a crush on anyone. 

9. Is confidence cute? Hell yeah .it is, but shy people are also really cute

10. What is the last beverage you had? A mixture of Cheerwine and Pepsi.

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? One. I trust my older brother Tony because he’s never ratted me out and he’s always had my back. My other older brother has tattled on me and hasn’t kept some of my secrets so he’s thrown under the trust bus. And I lost connection with all my guy friends from Florida so they’re gone.

@sincerelyholls I’m trying! Neither of us we’re very thrilled with seeing each other at most maybe 6 days between the time we move through 2019, so we decided it would be easier to move back home with my grandma until we can find a place of our own. Plus the biggest bonus is that I’ll be back in cheerwine country 😍

Soda Asks
  • Coke: What's your favorite texture?
  • Melon Soda: How many blankets/sheets do you sleep with?
  • Root Beer: How many languages can you speak?
  • Sprite: Tell a terrible joke/pun?
  • Strawberry Soda: What was the first fandom you were ever in?
  • Dr.Pepper: What super power do you want?
  • Birch Beer: Favorite color combination?
  • Cream Soda: What two animals would you combine to make a super animal?
  • Cheerwine: Favorite ice cream flavor?
  • Mello Yello:
  • Diet Coke: Coffee, tea, or neither?
  • Fresca: Favorite accessory?
  • Grape Soda: Favoriten gemstone?
  • Orange Soda: Talk about something that always makes you laugh?
  • Ginger Ale: Favorite TV show/Youtube channel?
  • Ginger Beer: Favorite kind of weather?
  • Apple Soda: Favorite soda?