and because i love to depress myself

I make mistakes. All the time. I mess up and I hurt myself and I hurt other people and most of the time, we can all brush it off and laugh about it a month later. But this time? I don’t get to screw up this time. Because if I mess this up, I lose her. I’ve tried living without her, and believe me, I can’t do it.
—  from an unfinished story #815
I’m terrified of falling for you
Because I see
Much more beauty in you
Than I’ve ever seen in myself.
Why I Love Connor Murphy (and why his character isn’t an innocent one)

Hello y’all, I’ve seen Too Much discourse in the DEH fandom recently on the part of people liking Connor and not liking Alana and Zoe enough, so here’s some of my thoughts on the matter (in no perfectly organized order) as well as some headcanons that I have which are supported by evidence in the show.

Connor Murphy was clearly a deeply fucked up kid. Signs of different mental illnesses should have been abundantly clear to his parents from the get-go, but they obviously weren’t (outward violent aggression towards teachers, isolation of himself from other peers, etc.) Connor was clearly crying for help in the only way that he could, through violence, and it’s clear that his dad was resistant to putting him into therapy. Then, (I’m assuming in middle school/early high school) he got into hard drugs (which ones we’re never explicitly told) and attempted suicide. Finally, after that, he goes to rehab, but the ride isn’t over yet. 

Zoe mentions him banging on her door threatening to kill her for ‘no reason.’ so we can assume some things.

1. Connor was either high or mid-manic episode.
2. He did not have full control of his actions.

This, of course, could never excuse abusive behavior, but it does explain it and gives room for us to assume that this was before rehab. After rehab, he comes back to school, and I’m going to assume that though he had gotten better, he wasn’t quite good enough. He started self medicating with pot and other less harmful/addictive drugs (”I don’t want you going to school high, Connor.” the way this line is delivered makes me assume that Mrs. Murphy knows Connor smokes pot and cares but only in the context of school.) to try and calm his depression/bipolar/psychotic NOS (I believe he was schizophrenic.)

Connor Murphy was not excusable in his actions, but I love him because he was a tragic character who reminds me of myself. And besides, none of the characters in this show are perfect.

Now, getting to Connor’s mental state during the week that he killed himself:

Very up and down, we see him being nice to Evan (signing his cast, laughing with him, etc.) in one scene, but in the next he sees Zoe’s name and instantly becomes extremely paranoid/panicked because he thinks that Evan is out to get him. He’s constantly worried about being labeled a “freak” (due to constant bullying from almost everyone.) And he keeps the note for two days in his pocket (not at school) and kills himself with it still there. 

Connor Murphy was mentally ill and his mom was the only one who gave very much of a shit about it (Zoe did too, I think, but she didn’t know how to deal with it.) and that’s all, Connor Murphy deserves our love not because he was a good or nice character, but because he had the potential to be. 

I mean, imagine if he had been properly rehabilitated and continued therapy? 

“BAD VIBES FOREVER”
I don’t know what hurts more, losing people or losing myself,

I hear things ya know? and talk to myself, I try not to be crazy, keep my composure and be strong, I am strong, but weak at the same time, if that even makes sense, the mystery behind me isn’t anything cool, or exciting it’s depressing, it’s sad, I’ll always be alone in my mind, with my actions, lies, motives,

I’ll always lose people because I’m at never ending war with myself, I lean on people to save me from myself, when in reality the only way to save me is to kill me,

my depressions comforted me for so long, I’ve to some degree become fond or even used to it, I can’t blame my mom , or the girls who loved me for leaving, in the end all there is, is me, it’s not rewarding or suprising , this character I’ve become , is it even me? is this what I wanted? I’m not sure,

the nightmares, sleepless nights, crazy thoughts, they all play a role, I had someone who could ease it ya know? and I made it my goal to ruin it, literally, she was so good to me, she was my heroin, or “heroine” I broke her, completely, but not only to ruin her, to build her, and she hung on , for so long, for so fucking long,

now I’ve reached a point where I can no longer progress, I’m in a pond with a canoe rather than in the ocean around me in a sailboat,

nothing excites me, nothing will give me joy for to long, only pain and sorrow is what has made me feel or comforted me,

being suicidal dosent exactly help these habits either, I had a drug stage where I would pop pills on pills, just to not feel anything at all, I’d get lost, and than create a motive,

the problem now is that my motives are always surrounded with these evil intentions, I’ve come to think I’m literally a villain at heart,

the thing is , villains are necessary for a story to go about, but, they never find love, or comfort in reasonable motive, just the craziest the things, when im good im sad, when im bad I feel alive, but than I hate myself after,

my insanity has been feeding on me since I could walk, I’d only prayed I’d found someone who figured it out and had the patience to keep me, to disregard the pain and only feed me love, it’s selfish of me, I know, but where are you, angel, my wing ridden angel,

save me – xxx

—  xxxtentacion
I’m tired of being sad and having no clue as to why I am this way, so I’ll write about the happy bits of me and why I smile. I dance when I’m alone, when the music gets just right and I’m sure that no one is watching, it’s okay to feel lonely, I used to not like the idea of it, but once you’re comfortable in your own skin even depression starts to feel like a breeze. I’m reading a book that says we are the beliefs and thoughts that we think and believe in. So if I say that I’m happy a thousand times, one of those will come back as true. So if I say I’ll find the love of my life some day, some day she’ll appear in front of me while I’m writing another poem. It’s good to have goals, the only goal I’ve ever had up until recently was to keep myself happy with someone else, that’s not a goal, but an illusion. You can’t live your life for someone else, it’s called your life for a reason. Happiness must happen when I say so, so I’m saying so. We bring into this world the kind of kindness that we’ve been dealt, so when I fake a smile, my mother is omnipresent. Although it’s not real, fake it until you make it, right? The book also says, spend more time doing things that make you lose track of time, so I decided to write again and more often than not, to not compare myself to others because once you start doing that, there’s no going back. I don’t write like someone else, I write like myself. I don’t think like anyone that I know, there’s just you and the beautifully twisted world, we’re all trying to find redemption inside of coral skies and trustworthy friends. I would break my own hand to contain my anger, it is contained. Happiness is what we make it, so if I say that it exists, then it will be so. Listening to your guidance, that makes me happy. You know who you are. Breathless to the words, you paint the sunrise with your pinky and promise that as long as I’m here today, tomorrow will not be filled with sorrow. I keep writing letters to the future person that I will be, I wonder if I’ll change. I probably will, we all do in one way or another. I’m the kind of person that snaps a picture of the sky while I’m driving, I’m reckless, but we’re still alive. Life’s too short and I need to be more careful, I’m certain that death has given up a few passes for me. Do you ever feel like you’re running out of time? Like there’s something trying to make a statement, a lost word that even google couldn’t even get its hands on. Do you ever feel like no one’s really listening? We’re all selfish in the end, but the ones that truly listen– they are the ones that I live for. I maintain online friendships better than I do with my siblings, I guess our thinking is just on different frequencies. On the topic of frequencies– the you that you would like to be is out there, you just need to listen. Hear the right words said by the right person and you’ll be in the right spot to be the you that you’d want to be in this life. Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Remember that thing I said about thoughts? Sometimes we just need to let go a little bit, embrace the art of it. To be left to the wind, the unknown will bring us to more adventures and you may not be loved by many, but there’s a chance that you will be– why not take it? I would like to break out of this, I want to smile more and to laugh a little louder, I just want to make myself proud of who I will be versus who I used to be. And you can’t turn back the hands of time, you cannot change your mistakes– they are permanent, but you are not. There is a fire inside of your chest and if you keep suffocating yourself with an indescribable pain then you’ll only suffer in a incomprehensible way. I just want to fill this world with more love and less pain, I see a butterfly and I’m easily distracted– how beauty will fly past you if you’re not even paying attention because you’re so damn sad all of the time. So I drop all signs of negativity and lean towards the positive, I am the only vibe that’ll alter my moods, so I must feel more wealthy than a million silver spoons even if I don’t have any, so I must create the art that likes to spill from my fingertips, we live such short lives– why not be the best version of yourself? Who will you be if tomorrow was your last day on this planet? Will you cry because it’s over? Or will you search the ends of the earth until you’ve found the fountain of youth? I’ve got a secret to share with you. You can be a 100 years old and still have the sweetest smile, you can be in your 20s and have a soul heavy enough to sink the titanic, life is strange, life is strange. We live our youth to buy pretty things, but live our oak days trying to make up more time– it waits for no one, the wrong turn will break you, a simple kiss will turn your thoughts into poetry and a life of self-hate is a road that needs constant validation– why not be your own way out? Be your own lover, be your own brand of music, be your own kind of poem, be your own story of kindness, and if you’re not perfect just look around– nobody is. I’m tired of dreaming, I want to build it instead. You can’t be who you want to be if you’re still having the same thoughts from last year– you can’t change or heal in the right way if you’re not willing to break a few pieces of your heart because the clutter inside of our minds often match the attitude that we give off. So like a quote, so like a poem, so like a bedtime story. If I repeat it enough times, I’ll be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to let go of the bad feelings. I just want to love myself enough to see a brighter day. You can’t change the world if you can’t even change yourself, right? If I repeat it enough times, then it must be real. I will be happy. Sadness is a crucial emotion because without it, being delighted and euphoric wouldn’t be so dense, but that’s the beauty of the intensity to which we should love ourselves. I want to be so fucking glad to wake up today that it’ll just drown my depression into the white noise. I want to glow in the dark and live like the jellyfishes, give my poetry the immortality to always bring a smile onto the faces of those that love who I am even if I’m a bit flawed because at the end of the day– you’re the only one sleeping on your bed, you’re the only one who’s going to determine if you’ve got enough room to breathe, you’re the only one to have the last say if you’re art or not.
—  I wanted to write something happy for you–
yes, you. The person that’s reading this.
13 Reasons Why controversy

Because the response to 13 Reasons Why has been so controversial, I’d just like to point out some things.

As explained in 13 Reasons Why: Beyond the Reasons, the suicide scene was shown BECAUSE they wanted it to be painful for the audience to watch, as well as the rape scenes. Not because they wanted to be gruesome or inconsiderate, but because it is REALITY for so many people in the world and a lot of people like to pretend these things don’t exist or shield themselves from the reality of it; they ignore it because they’ve never gone through it, so they don’t care so much. So then when they see these scenes, they will be made uncomfortable and see what people are really truly experiencing and that it is not something that should at all be sugarcoated or ignored. IT IS REAL.

Secondly, for those saying it’s disgusting for them to show these scenes, THERE ARE WARNINGS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODES THAT SHOW RAPE AND/OR SUICIDE TO NOT WATCH IF IT WILL AFFECT THE VIEWER IN ANY WAY. These warnings are given specifically so that if you are not comfortable watching or believe it would cause a trigger, you should not even watch. So the fact that people are bashing the show for showing these scenes in relation to them being a trigger, the warnings are already made very clear in the beginning. They did take this step to make sure it wouldn’t just pop up and be any sort of triggers. The producers knew very well to be wary of that.
The show also worked with a lot of psychiatrists, psychologists, and leading experts in teen-suicide prevention. Though this still may not be enough for you to think they did everything right, they again did have the warnings. They are very aware that it could cause triggers and put some people in danger, but THAT IS WHAT THE WARNINGS ARE FOR. DO NOT WATCH IF IT COULD DANGER YOU. VIEWER’S DISCRETION IS ALWAYS ADVISED.

THE SHOW WAS NOT CREATED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. IT IS TO SPREAD AWARENESS FOR ALL THE ISSUES (suicide, rape, bullying) AND POINT OUT HOW LITTLE THE SIGNS CAN BE AND HOW MUCH MORE CAREFUL AND HELPFUL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD NEEDS TO BE TO THE PEOPLE AROUND US. As also talked about in Beyond the Reasons, they want to promote teaching boys the proper ways to approach a girl and gain permission to become intimate with her, always getting the YES to teach boys respect for women. This is very important because as most people know, it has always been extremely hard for rape victims to get help because of the “what were you wearing” “were you flirting” “did you lead him on” “did you directly say no” arguments that are so wrongfully executed—instead, 13 Reasons Why knows that this is an issue, as somewhat shown in the scene with Mr. Porter as he questions Hannah. So in the after show, they speak about how parents need to be teaching their children more about consent and less about just protecting yourself, covering up, etc. They are aware that the real issue is with proper consent, and that is a very important message to get across.

Coming from someone who has battled depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts, I must also point out that EVERY SINGLE PERSON, EXPERIENCES, THOUGHTS, REACTIONS, ETC ARE DIFFERENT. What one person suffering depression thinks may be different than another. Hannah Baker’s story is very unique in many ways yet also extremely relatable in many ways to many, many people and girls around the world. JUST BECAUSE YOUR STORY MAY BE DIFFERENT DOES NOT MEAN HERS IS INCORRECT OR LESS/MORE THAN ANOTHER’S. There are a lot of people who can relate to feeling as though you are NOTHING and of no worth to the people around you, just a burden that only disappoints everyone and makes their lives worse. This is a very real state of being and depression and feeling of complete worthlessness that people can reach in their lives, especially some young teenage girls, like Hannah Baker, and even myself, that will lead to suicidal thoughts, attempts, or completely following through with, like Hannah. They believe the world and their loved ones would be better off without them. Again, as someone who has attempted suicide as a teenager and worked for years to fight depression and overcome it, I can say that while the suicide scene did make me uncomfortable and was extremely painful to watch, I was not offended. I knew of the warning at the beginning of the episode, read it, and continued to watch because EVERYONE HANDLES THESE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. I UNDERSTOOD the purpose of including the scene and making it so graphic and realistic. IT’S REALITY, THIS IS HAPPENING TO PEOPLE EVERYDAY AND IT SHOULD NOT BE SUGARCOATED OR SHIELDED FROM THE WORLD; it needs to be made more AWARE OF by those who like to turn a blind eye to it, but it is exposed WITH WARNING. So again, if some feel as though a scene like this would be a trigger, IT IS ADVISED YOU DO NOT WATCH. Everyone is affected differently and they did not just insert it with no consideration for the affect it could have on those battling the same wars as Hannah.

To say Clay was an easy solution and could have saved Hannah by loving her—no, he could not have saved her by just loving her, that is not what this story is even saying. Hannah does explain at the end of her last tape as she exits the school that some people cared, but she felt it was only mediocre, not enough for her to want to stay and feel NEEDED and truly LOVED. So no, they are not saying Clay could have kept her alive by simply loving her, or that love can save someone, it is much more complex than that. What they are saying is that people can care, but not showing how much they truly care can affect someone in the ways it affected Hannah. It was not just one boy’s love that could have saved her, but the love and care of many people, for them to show that they truly cared about her being alive and DID NOT see her as worthless, an object, just another person on earth. She needed to feel as though they NEEDED her to stay, that they genuinely cared about her as a person and that her life was truly worth something, because she did not feel it was. When Clay says he could have kept her alive if he wasn’t so afraid to tell her he loved her, he simply means he could have given her a sense of hope, a sense of belonging on the earth, that someone truly, whole-heartedly valued her life and her as a human being, not an object.

The actress who plays Jessica also explained that she reached out to a family member who is an actual rape survivor, and she stated that she was pleased that the show was “not shying away from the ugliness” of these scenes because viewers will see what these people really go through–again, another topic that is usually sugarcoated and instead needs to be addressed.

13 Reasons Why is a unique way of telling the story of a teenage girl who committed suicide, and the reasoning for bringing it to screen was MOSTLY to promote awareness and shine light on things that are not talked about enough that the youth suffers every single day, things adults see as “normal teenager struggles,” “small stuff,” “it only feels like the end of the world and really isn’t,” etc. This show is being spread more than even expected, and that is a very good thing for those who are in need of help and have parents or peers that once ignored their problems and will now tend to them.


**an issue cannot be tended to/made aware of/more properly prevented if it is just sugarcoated rather than slapped in people’s faces (those who don’t realize how severe it is) like this show does. it can really change things and leave an impact.

**if you are at risk for triggers and do not feel you are currently healthy enough to watch this show, please take care of yourself and do not watch. or, skip episodes 9, 12, and 13 and read up on them instead. these are the episodes that can be triggers for those at risk, if you weren’t yet aware.

**also feel free to stop by my inbox and talk to me if you need someone to talk to, or just would like to speak more on the subject.

i didn’t leave because
i stopped loving you
i left because the longer
i stayed the less
i loved myself
—  (via sturzpoesie IG)
Maybe it is because I can’t seem to love myself, people never want to love me.
—  Late night thoughts #56
You’re the story I tell when the wind asks about my love for sunsets, the punctuation I erase when our reflections sink into the shore. How does every sign we construct explain how some people are meant to fall in love, but aren’t meant to be together? how new constellations form every time I whisper your name, but the night still drinks the caffeine we left at our feet? I just wanted to be the owner of the galaxies dripping from your eyes, the piece you could live without when our hands are grasping for the leaves falling short of a title we’re still rearranging. The less we talk, the more words mean. The less we smile, the more I find your laughter in every six string song. On my best days, I’m just a breath away from you, but sometimes, I just need a little help getting out of my head. Or when I need to get off the bed, some words push us towards insanity– if you were ever mad at me, would you speak your thoughts? If you ever fell in love with me? Would you tell me? If you wanted to know something unusual– I’ve got you. I enjoy the oddness of questions. Like how it sends us on a quest for the truthful answers midway. I don’t like acronyms because the shortness of letters can never compare to the shortness in my breathing when it comes to the lines of oh my god, you’re beautiful tonight. The less we smile, the more I find your atmosphere most needed– some laughter controls the bleeding, some lovers control the weather, and some nights I need both. Some nights I seem to choke on my regrets, it’s never dinnertime when you’ve got so much on your mind. It’s never writing if you’ve done nothing right. You’re always wrong if you start crying in the middle of a song that triggered certain feelings that you shouldn’t be having. you’re always spacing out whenever the commas start to show how many mistakes you’ve made, how many mistakes it took for you to finally get it, how many apologies it took for you to be forgiven, how many I love you’s were needed for someone to feel like you loved them and not just for the sake of not being alone, how many nights you had to spend living in a dead memory of won’t you stay with me for another hour, how many oceans you had to cry before you realized people sink with you every time you damage them, how many volcanoes you became because stress makes smoking this much easier, how many pills you had to take to forget a name, how many nights you stayed high because shower thoughts brought you back to the razors, how many mornings you spent fucked up because of one fuck up, how many years you’ll toss away to find yourself, how many weeks it’ll take to rewire your brain after a breakup, how many days it’ll take to unfeel everything, how many hours it’ll take to unlove a feeling, how many seconds it’ll take to get it right, how many commas you’ll keep count of to not lose yourself tonight, and how many times you’ll leave yourself in the palms of others instead of your own. if I’m ever on my last dollar, if I’m ever on my last heartbeat, if I’m ever at the end of the line, if I ever forget about you, if I never loved you, if I ever destroyed myself to recreate myself, if I ever feel good enough to get over this depression, if I ever stop and stare into the middle of nowhere and if I never return to who I used to be– remember that this life will cut like a very thin knife into your ribs in search for another comma for another run-on sentence that should not have happened because you always loved to make mistakes without a proper ending or a period to your era of impressional impressions to impress no one in particular you can have all of my mistakes you can have all of my errors you can have all of this red ink to scribble all over this poem you can have my life and call it death to the last day when we’ll never meet again.
—  The Ate & The Bunso
Today I choose to be honest with myself. Today I choose to accept my sadness as a part of my body because it is one of my primary emotions that makes me who I am. Today I choose to love my way into my journey to my own enlightenment. Today I choose to hope, I choose to dream, I choose to believe in the magic of my becoming. Today I choose to be enough for the person I will be tomorrow.
—  Juansen Dizon // Choices
I have been sprawling on the floor the whole night. Every chance that I got to sleep, I dreamt of him. I know my depression is full force. I felt like I was looking for water in desert. I was parched and empty. In my dreams, I have held a gun to my head a million times. I wanted to escape this whole situation. I wanted to escape from him. I really need to save myself. I already knew the cure but it’s not gonna be an easy walk. I cannot give up trying to fix myself. So here on out, I wish you all the best. I pray you stay loyal to the ones you love because this world could be full of heartbreakers, you don’t have to become one as well.
—  kissmylime
and he was like cough syrup. easy to swallow and you would feel a little bit drunk afterwards. he was smoother than alcohol and cheaper than cigarettes and he was always there. either pressed against my hip or pressing bruises into my skin. my teeth were rotting from the taste but I didn’t care because he coated my mouth like sugar. I was so busy thinking he covered up the pain that I didn’t realize he was the pain. and maybe it doesn’t matter. that someone else’s mattress sags from his weight. or that I won’t have to keep buying concealer to cover up his love in the form of aggression on my neck. all I know is he’s out there forgetting me and I’m right here forgetting myself because alcohol is easier to get than anti-depressants. and it’s just funny. that I used to think of myself getting better and now I can’t even think of myself as okay. i guess now ill try yellow paint but it won’t be as smooth.
—  this isn’t poetry and you aren’t happiness but I’m getting better at pretending

anonymous asked:

Have you heard of ex gays/lesbians? I'm a Christian and believe in God and I've been thinking about it and what if by God's help our desires can fade away and we can become normal

No. God created us to be how we are. I fought who I was for 22 years - 4 of those so hard that I wanted to die. God wouldn’t put that on me. I prayed constantly, nothing changed. When I did finally let go and be myself, God brought love into my life. I stopped fighting myself and was so happy. He created me to feel violated whenever a man touched me or even kissed me, no matter how much I trusted them. He created me to cry over fearing that I was incapable of love, when I forced myself to date men and never felt like myself. The eating disorders and depression that I dealt with because I hated who I was? No God would do that for a lesson. Not a God I believe in. My God does that to show us His path. Don’t let a book written by man ever tell you how God made you to be. He makes no mistakes and He wants you to experience love the way He intended. He wouldn’t allow you to be miserable just to fit into a standard. He made you to be you and He isn’t going to change that - that was HIS plan… not the church’s, not the Bible’s. Trust that and you’ll see how He provides. Being gay, bisexual, transgender, etc. IS normal. It’s the cult-like practices and teachings that are not.

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Who’s That Vans Girl?: @sydlars10

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I didn’t mean that- Yoongi

A/N: Well I’m back!! Yay! Hopy you’ll enjoy and sorry for a long absence.

WC: 2024

Summary:

Part: one shot

(gif not mine, cr to owners)

Originally posted by tearsavi

Dating an idol isn’t the easiest thing and you knew that. After begin in a relationship with Min Yoongi, or as fans call him, Suga for 2 years you realised that it’s hard and that it has it’s ups and downs. 

 You met him in a coffee shop. He bumped into you and spilled coffee all over you. Then he wanted to make it up to you so you two met again and had lunch together. You and Yoongi quickly became friends and after some time you two started dating.

  You really loved Yoongi and really cared about him. There were times that you and Yoongi had problems but so does every couple do. You two never had a very serious fight, that after it you didn’t talk to each other. Suga always made sure to show you how much he loved you. He would give 100 kisses and hug you all the time.  Even in front of his friends he’d show some kind off affection. And you always felt his love to you…well at least till now.

   You’ve noticed that Yoongi has been acting weird lately. After work he woulgo straight to sleep, in the morning he would leave without saying anything and he would wake up in the middle of the night and sit on his phone or computer. It wouldn’t be so weird but it seemed like he was avoiding you.

It stared to worry you because Yoongi was never like this. You stared thinking that he stoped loving you or that he was cheating on you. You had thoughts like this before because he’s an idol.  He’s popular all over the world and he could have any girl he wants and you’re just…you, a normal girl. But he assured you that he loves you and to him you are perfect.

One night you heard something in the kitchen and decided to go chcek it. You noticed that Yoongi wasn’t in bed so you figured that it was probably him in the kitchen. But you were wrong

.-Jin, what are you doing?- You asked him as you sat down by the table.

-Oh Y/N, I just couldn’t sleeo so I decided to get a glass of water.- he explained and sat next to you.

-And you?- He added.

-I heard a noise in the kitchen ans saw that Yoongi’s not in  the bed, so I thought it was him, but well.- You told him with a sad face.

-Y/N is everthing ok?- Jin ask concerned.

-Seokjin I don’t know what’s happening to him. He’s been acting so weird lately. He became so distaint, so cold towards me.- You looked at him with worried eyes

.-Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s ok and there’s nothing wrong.- Jin smiled at you and hugged at you.

At that moment you heard the door open. It was Yoongi. He went in and looked at you and Jin. Without saying anything he went to his room and you went after him.

-Where were you?- You asked as you closed the door.

-Nowhere, just went out for a walk.- He said without even looking at you.

-Baby, talk to me please.- You sat next to him and placed your hand on his shoulder.

-Y/N not now, I’m tired.- He brushed you hand off and went to sleep. 

 You felt even more sad and worried. You didn’t want to go to sleep now, not next to him. You went to the bathroom and looked at the mirror. You felt depressed and guilty. You stared feelling like all of this is your fault. That Yoongi became distant and that he stopped loving you. You stared sobbing and tried to be quiet  not to wake anyone up.

 After some time you heard someone waling towards the bathroom. You tried to calm yourself sown as you heard the voice.

-Y/N, are you there? Are you crying? What’s wrong?- You recognised this voice, it was Namjoon.

-I’m fine.-You opend the door and look at him.

-Well you’re clearly not because you’re crying.- He grabbed your hand you took you to the living room.

- So what’s wrong?- He asked and gave you the tissue.

You explained to him what was on you mind and how you feel about Yoongi’s behaviour. He told you to stop blaming yourself and not to worry that much. And that it’s probably because he’s stressed and busy. After that he went to sleep and you decided to  just sit here and think. You didn’t even realise that you feel asleep on the couch. When you woke up guys alredy left for practise.


~”Not Today” playing in the background~

-Okay guys that’s it for today. That was great. Rest and see you tomorrow.- The choregrapher said and went out. 

The practise just ended and Namjoon decided to talk to Yoongi after what happend yesterday. He couldn’t understand why his friend was acting so different and wanted to know what was going on in his mind.

  -Yoongi can we talk?- Namjoon came up to him.

  -Yeah, what’s up.?- Yoongi was curious what Namjoon wanted to talk about. -What’s the hell is going with you?- Rap Mon asked without hesitation. 

-What do you mean?- Suga was confused. 

-I talked with Y/N last night, she was crying. She told me that you are acting different and I also noticed it. She blames herself for that, she thinks you stopped loving and caring about her.- Namjoon said with serious face.

 -What? That’s ridiciuoulus. I love her and care about her. Why would she even think like that?- Yoogni was both worried and confused.

  -Yoongs you’ve been ignoring her for like 2 weeks and you didn’t give any fuck about her.- Leader looked dissapointed. 

-God damit you guys. All of you keep o picking up on me. Like fuck I’m just stressed an have a lot of work and you start thinking some weird shit.- Yoongi was angry. 

-Okay look calm down.-Namjoon tried to talk to him but Yoongi slammed the door and went out. 

-What happened?- All of the guys asked. 

-Nothing. But let’s not go home now.- Namjoon informed .

  -Why?- Tae asked.

  -That’s where Yoongi is going and he and Y/N need to talk.-Jin added. 


You heard the door slamming. You looked at that direction and saw Yoongi. He didn’t look happy. 

-What’s wrong?- You asked.

  -Nothing.- He said coldly. 

-No Yoongi. Can you stop begin do distant. Just fucking talk to me.- You couldn’t hold it in anymore

. -What Y/N!?  I don’t have anything to tell you. And even if I don’t want to talk to you right now.- He was getting more angry.

  -You’ve been acting like this for 2 weeks. You ignored me for 2 weeks and you don’t even want to tell me what’s wrong. What did you stop loving me? Are you cheating on me, did you fing someone else? Tell me.- You grabbed his arm and turnesd him around so that he was facing you. 

-ARE FUCKING CRAZY?! CHEATING? GOD DAMN Y/N WHAT ELSE DID YOU THINK HUH? THAT I’M DEPRESSED OR THAT I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF. I’M JUST A HUMAN, I TOO HAVE BAD DAYS AND CAN GET STRESSED BECAUSE OF WORK! AND WHEN I GET HOME I JUST WANT TO RELAZ AND YOU KEEP ON ANNOYING ME. I’M FED UP. I’M DONE WITH YOU. I DON;T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGIAN. DO YOU GET IT?!- He looked at you with his eyes full of anger and saw you, with your eyes full of tears. 

-Yes I got it.- You’ve had enough, he just crossed the line. You ran out of there crying,. 

After that he realised what he has done. He screamed at you out of annoyence becaue he was stressed, he had so much work latley that he acted like not him. He did not meant what he said. None of it. He loves you so much and he doesn’t want to lose you. 

-Yoongi is everything alrighgt?- Jimin asked as he and guys came in. 

-I fucked up. I need to go and get her- That’s all he said. 

-Well then you better hurry cuz it’s pouring outside.-Jungkook added. 

Yoongi storemed out of the dorm. After realising what he had done he was devasted. If something happend to you because of him, because of what he said, he would never forgive himslef. He stared looking for you. He went to all your favourite places. His legs were weak and he was out of breath but he promised himself that he’s not gonna stop until he finds you. 

 He saw on you in front of a park that the two of you went to a lot. You were standig on the other side of the road. The rain was pouring and everything was unclear. He called you but you didn’t hear him nor saw him. You stared crossing the road when you heard someone calling your name. You looked up and saw Yoongi. He was saying something but you couldn’t really hear him. You didn’t want to see him or talk to him so you turned around and that’s when you saw lights. Car lights. They were getting closet so fat that you couldn’t react fast enough. Next thing you remeber was seeing Yoongi screaming your name and guys looking terrified. After that all you could see was black.

-Y/N!!- Yoongi screamd and ran to you. 

-Yoongi! We need to get her to the hospital.- Jin said and the guys agreed. 

Yoongi took you in his arms and ran to the van. He was so scared. You weren’t reacting to him  calling you and there was so much blood. As soon as he got to the hospital he look for a doctor. When the staff took you away Yoongi fell on the floor. He was exhausted. He was taken to other room to rest. 

When he woke up he saw guys Hosek, Tae and Jimin standig by the window. 

-How’s Y/N?- he immidietly asked. 

-She’s in another room. Namjoon and Jungkook are there and Jin is talking to the doctor.- Hoseok replied. 

-I wanna go see her.- Yoongi got up and started walking toward your room. He was standing in front of you room. 

He was too scared to go in. He blamed himself for what happend. 

  -Go in. We’re gonna wait here.- Jin told him. 

He went in and when he saw your face with bruises and laying there with your eyes closed he couldn’t hold it in. He sat next to your bed and held your hand. 

-I’m so sorry Y/N. It’s all m fault. If you hear me please forgive me. I was such an asshole to you. You were hurting and I didn’t even realised and asked. And now you’re laying here because of me. I’m so sorry baby.- He was sobbing when you felt how you squeezed his hand an d heard your soft voice. 

-Yoongi.- You slowly opend your eyyes and saw Yoongi.

-Y/N, thank god you’re okay. I was so worried. Y/N I’m so so sorry. It all happend because of me. I never ment for that to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I was a dick but I was so stressed because there is a lot of work and I just… I’m so sorry baby.- He sounded so sad. 

-Yoongi…- You whispered. 

-I didn’t mean what I said. I love you and I would never cheat on you. You are the only one for me. I l love you so much.- He looked at you. 

-I love you too Yoongi. Just please don’t be like this again.- You smiled.  

-I promise.- He kissed you and laid next to you. 

After one week they released you from hospital and you and Yoongi were happy again. From now on whenever Yoongi has a lot of work and is stressed he talks to you and you two solve it together. Yoongi still blames himslef for what happend even though you are fine now. But you tell him that it’s not his fault and to just forget about it.

anonymous asked:

Sooo, why can't Kara and Lena just be best friends? Why did they need to be a romantic relationship?

 I’m going to divide this answer in 4 points as to why a romantic relationship between Kara and Lena is not only the right thing to do but is also the most logical decision to make.

 Here we go:

  1. First we got the representation argument. Given the obvious sarcasm in your question you’re most likely not a wlw, but in case you haven’t noticed, we get almost no representation in TV whatsoever and the little we do get either: 

- One of them dies

- Has 1 sec of screntime per episode

- Ends in a heart breaking way.

  Representation is obviously important because a lot of people such as myself that struggle with a lot of things such as depression, can find solace and strength in these relationships. Specially teenage girls who are struggling with their sexuality. I’ve been there myself (I’m currently 16) and Tv shows helped me a lot in my journey to self acceptance, I can assure you that. 

 But even those people who are more confident and comfortable with their sexuality may still look at them and like, hell, if feels good to see yourself represented on TV mate. To see your love portrayed as valid and real.

 Supercorp, Clexa and all of these other ships can also totally be the “light at the end of the tunel” for a lot of people, including myself. LGBT folks are so much more likely to commit suicide and these “little things” can be life saving.

 2. Supercorp would be a groundbreaking relationship.

 I’ve talked about how Supercorp would be the true face of the “dare to defy” slogan the cw has got going on, but I feel like it’s worth mentioning again.

 We would have a f/f relationship as the main ship of a show that’s not about sexuality, that’s rare as fuck. The only other main f/f ship on a show that isn’t about sexuality that I can think of is Clexa and we all know how that ended.

 Also, a Super and a Luthor together is such a good and amazing concept. It’s new, it’s fresh, it’s something people actually want to see. Supercorp is currently one of the most popular f/f ships ever and the fandom and support of the actors toward it keeps growing every single day. The ratings of the show would sky rocket if the cw made them canon.

 You may also want to consider that one of them is indeed Supergirl, imagine the amount of young lgbt girls looking up to queer Supergirl and just feeling like they’re normal and valid, because they fucking are. Or maybe just giving them hope that their heroes CAN totally love them back. That’s what’s really ground breaking, not the same generic bullshit we’ve been fed again and again, like the “bad boy/girl fixes boy trope” that’s not defying shit. Almost every single show out there is doing just that. It’s not new and it’s becoming quite tiring to see. Also, I’m not even going to start on how mon-el is a fucking slave owner and an abusive person, and the horrible message that karamel is sending to young teens. Mon el literally has yet to paid for his ugly actions.

 3.  Next, we have the fact that Supercorp is a healthy relationship built on respect, and trust, and mutual love. Kara and Lena have done nothing but constantly stand up for each other, and constantly try to fight evil and make the world a better place. 

 It is not the super powers that make the hero, it’s their heart. 

 Lena Luthor is the hero Kara deserves, she’s saved all the aliens in National City, turning against her abusive and manipulative mother in order to stand up for what’s right. Lena has done everything she could to help Kara so far, and to just help people in general. SHE WAS TRYING TO FUCKING CURE CANCER FFS. And she did all of this expecting nothing in return. She did this because she legit feels a call to help people just like Kara and James, and all of the other true heroes on the show do.

 Having a beautiful, healthy, and complex f/f relationship represented on a show like Supergirl would be iconic and epic. All of the main stream media outlets would praise the show and the cw for it, instead of condemning them for trying to normalize abuse and excuse slavery. 

 4. Finally, let’s talk about chemistry

 Kara and Lena have undeniable chemistry on screen, no one can deny that. It’s really astounding how well they go together. 

 Proof:

Originally posted by possiblestalker

Originally posted by kara-luthors

Originally posted by a-jedi-in-purgatory

Originally posted by ashipperofeverything

 I honestly  could be at it all day with this proof part.

 So, moving on and finally concluding. There are way many more reasons as to why they should indeed be in a romantic relationship, but for the sake of not wanting to write a bloody will I’ll keep it like this. There’s also probably not much I can say to you in order to make you see from my point of view, mostly because you seem very conditioned to think that girls and girls on TV should just be friends even though there’s clearly romantic chemistry between them. But whatever, thanks for the opportunity to rant about supercorp anyways. 

 Peace out. 

over you

i finally took a breath
and realized what was true
and i’m actually happy to say this
i’m getting over you

you’re not in my constant thoughts
you’re just a friend again
so that i say i’m actually fine
and i know you feel the same

it took a while
and a lot of pain
some gloomy thoughts
and dark days

but i’m finally free from the chains i wrapped myself in
i’m finally human again
i can finally like someone else
and not cry over you for weeks

so i hope that you will take a breath
and realize what is true
because when i actually crack a smile
just know i’m over you

Different Type

When I was younger, I used to wonder really hard why I was me. And my seven-year-old self would get really depressed because I realized that I would never get to live as anyone else. And I wondered what would happen if I suddenly became my father. And then I would grow quite sad because I’d never know what it was like to be anyone else. I would only ever be myself, and it was a rather claustrophobic feeling. 

It’s not that I don’t like being me. But I feel like my knowledge of things will always be so small because I am me. I won’t ever know what it’s like to be an ISFJ, with a sweet, naturally loving yet rule-oriented mind. I’ll never know what it’s like to be a fearless ENTP or a dramatic ESFJ or a confident ESTJ. I’ll never know what it’s like to be a shy little INFP, with an endless desire to connect, or a warm and caring ENFP, with a big heart and a big hug for everyone.

I can imagine these things in my INTP brain. I can analyze what it would be like to have a different personality. But I’ll never know, and that fact irritates me, because my whole drive takes the form of a giant question mark.

I want to know, and I never can.

You should really stop that.

I look over at her, quizzical.
She points to the cigarette dangling from my mouth and gives me the basic line that everyone says to a smoker.
It’s not healthy.

I could stop smoking at any given moment, yknow.” As I crush the supposed “cancer stick” to the dirt, resisting the urge of an eye-roll.
She’s watching me, obviously waiting for an explanation.
God, why does she care? No one ever has before.

It wouldn’t be hard, I mean, I’m not addicted or anything.

She laughs and suddenly I’m trying to ignore how good it sounds. “Isn’t that what all addicts say?

I’m serious.” Judging by the look on her face, I know that wasn’t the answer she wanted.. so I stopped sugar coating it.

I just don’t stop because I’d rather kill myself in a way that’s more..socially accepted. People don’t notice as much- they call me a smoker, not suicidal. I like it that way.
—  Nicole Torres // Cigarette Daydreams Excerpt