I’m not 100% sure this even belongs here and I’ve posted this story elsewhere so some of you might have read it already.
Some background: I work in a rather specialized area of Forensics. Officially I’m employed by Police Scotland but they tend to let other law enforcement agencies, universities, etc borrow us from time to time. A lot of the time it’s for consulting work or guest lecturing but sometimes we’re sent to teach training courses.
About 18 months ago I was asked to lecture at a training course for some of the CID higher-ups in an English Police force. It was the first time I’d done anything like it and I was crapping myself.
I met with the conveners and other officials for dinner the night before my first day, and after dinner and drinks, I was dropped back at my hotel.
So to set the scene; it’s about 10pm, I’m all dressed up in my evening wear and I’m sitting at the bar in the hotel lounge. The place is dead, it’s just me and the barman so I’ve taken off my heels and am unraveling my hair having just ordered a hot chocolate. The barman asks if I want mini marshmallows on my hot chocolate. Yes, of course I want mini marshmallows on my hot chocolate. No I don’t mind waiting while you run to the kitchen.
So I’m sit there trying to trick my phone into connecting to the hotels WiFi when Angry Man walks in.
He stomped into the room and slammed his fist down on the bar about 3 ft from me and barked out one word:
I didn’t know it but apparently that attempt at communication was aimed at me; a fact I learned a moment later when Angry Man moved right up next to me, bent over me so his face was practically in mine and barked out again;
In an attempt to get away from the screaming coffee man I slipped off the bar stool, putting it between the two of us. Extremely confused and more than a little terrified, it didn’t immediately occur to me that he thought I worked there, hell it wasn’t even registering that he wanted a coffee. He was just repeating it the same way a toddler does when they learn a new word but don’t entirely know what it means.
I’m going to blame the confusion, fear and tiredness for my completely moronic response, which was to parrot the word back at him.
Angry Man: “COFFEE”
Then he slammed his fist down on the bar again. This time I noticed that he was actually throwing down money.
My brain suddenly came back online.
Me: “Oh. Eh, the barman should be back in a sec. H-”
Angry Man: “Get me a coffee. Now.”
Ooooh four new words. Progress.
Me: “I’m sorry, mate, I don’t work here.”
Angry man (shouting now) “You fucking lazy liar!! Do you think I’m fucking stupid?”
Yes, actually, but I’ll be keeping that to myself.
Angry Man: “Get off your fucking phone and get me a shitting coffee”
Me: “I really don’t-”
Cue rant about me being the only person in the lounge so of course I must work there and I was just being lazy and did I take him for an idiot. All while I’m slowly backing away from the bar so he can’t pin me between it and the bar stools. Then he throws in this:
Angry Man: “Do you have any idea who I am? Do you have any idea how important I am?”
I never got to find out how important this guy thought he was. Instead Angry Man’s Friend came wandering in.
He took one look at me; pretty much cornered by Angry Man who is now screaming about how he’ll make sure I never work again while I’m trying to calmly tell him to back off and he tries to intervene.
He took Angry Man by the shoulders and moved him back away from me while asking him what was going on.
Angry Man: “This stupid little whore is refusing to serve me”
Me: “I really don’t work here”
Angry Man’s Friend: “She doesn’t work here. Let’s just all try to calm down”
There was a few moments of Angry Man’s Friend trying to calm Angry Man while he ranted about getting me fired until two barman arrived, one of them with my hot chocolate. The presence of the three men distracted Angry Man enough for me to grab my shoes and escape with my chocolatey goodness.
As I left I could hear him demanding to speak to a manager.
The next day, after being introduced to a lecture theater full of high ranking CID Officers, I stood and walked to the podium only to be greeted by one guy in the audience laughing hysterically.
I just sort of froze trying to figure out the joke. Did I have food on my face? Was my shirt on inside out?
A quick check confirmed that, no. I’d managed to adult that morning.
A few other people began to chuckle as this guy struggled to get a hold of himself. As he regained control he pointed to his left.
Where a very red looking Angry Man was sitting.
I think it was the sheer relief that he wasn’t actually laughing at me that caused me to open my mouth and say to Angry Man;
“Oh did you get your coffee in the end?”
He walked out and I didn’t see him for the rest of the course.
that bitch face taemin makes at minho when minho can't remember his birthday. i think about it a lot.
concept: since that broadcast taem’s been popping up with a bday cake for minho on every 9th of the month except for december. the spelling of minho’s name on the cake gets worse each time - it starts with ‘choi mango’ and somehow ends in ‘alola exeggutor’ because taem’s salty like that
i will never not be floored that he survives that fight with tex??? the prime time for him to die wouldn’t have been season 11 (the start of a new arc), but8(the end of one). can you imagine if tex had killed him before we got the flashbacks to project freelancer, and then we fell in love with him???
he opens his locker and there’s fucking cat photos and a skateboard in it and we’re all like OH NO HE WAS CUTE
we get that glimpse of what he was like Before and just
Created with the help of the lovely @catyz101 and the wonderful @vintagecarter go ahead and give them a follow please.
- Two years after the attack, when the rangers graduate highschool, they decide to build a house together in the mountains near the ship.
-When goldar went down billy managed to save a lot of gold
“Like my dad said, you find it you keep it”
Needless to say they’re fucking loaded.
-Kim and Trini adopted a cat courtesy of her brothers. The twins found him and managed to keep him for a week before their mom found out and he was sent to live with Trini.
“Take care of gato for us”
“Wait you named i-”
“GATO, is in great hands”
-The cat loves everyone but Zack and Jason. Every time the cat cuddles up to Billy “traitor” can be heard faintly whispered through the house.
-Zack goes to the kitchen at 1 in the morning and finds the cat just sitting there staring at him, they have a staring contest for two mintues until he slowly backs away back into his room.
-They rotate dinner every night. They all make something thats authentic to them but the weekends are take out nights. It an unspoken rule of the house
-Zack almost breaking his neck doing a double take on Trini leaving from Kim’s room in the early morning
-“ITS NOT A WALK OF SHAME IF ITS YOUR OWN HOUSE” Kim passing by headed to the kitchen “you are definitely doing the walk of shame babe.”
-Billy quietly comments from the back “why are you so surprised, thats the 5th time this week.”
“Billy, its tuesday”
- “Hello, yes, i found your number in the yellow pages i was calling to tell you that MY BEST FRIEND JUST GOT LAID also a large pizza please”
-Trini watches a novella one day outta habit, and suddenly Jason and Zack are addicted. “No, trini you cant change the channel we are watching that!”
-Kim puts pink hair dye in her shampoo to figure out who keeps using it. The culprit was Jason…… and Trini
-“Who the fuck put jello in the toilet”
“You see its not actually jello its this silicone-”
“I’ll take it you’re upset with me….”
-Theyre the hardware stores best customer. The owner thinks they own a construction company. He is yet to be corrected
-One day the boys come back from the store early and hear a scream in the house. They all barge in too kims room and walk in on the girls.
“Oh my god GET OUT”
Billy closes his eyes and runs smack into the wall putting a hole in it while jason and Zack are running out dodging pillows.
-“Steve come here girl” “Zack we are not naming our dog Steve” “what about zordon?” “you wanna name my daughter after wall dad? How dare?” “you were about to name her Steve?!” “Personally i thik she looks like a Steve…” “Thank you billy”
-“Oh well if it isnt satan himself coming to visit my room when it does not belong here!” “Guys the cat isnt that bad”
“Billy do not speak on matters that do not concern you”
-“Who taught you savages to do the laundry?” “Trini relax.” “Relax? Jason, Isnt it bad enough my hair is pink but now my white tshirts are too because Zack put your shirts in with mine.”
-“Hey yellow, pink, your hell cat just attacked steve.”
“Do you dare slander my cats good name?! YOU CAN MEET ME IN THE PIT!!”
-They have color coded bath Towels. Zack likes to steal someone elses each week which isnt a problem until he struts out the bathroom in pink towels when Kim’s parents come to visit.
-“I know DAMN well i had last nights episode of Rupauls drag race recorded who DELETED IT?!?” “Sorry Zack that may have been me, but dont worry i have it recorded on my tv too” “Billy, you are my hero”
-Gato steals steves bed all the time and its the leading cause of argument in the house.
- “Satan’s spawn please, my daughters bed is too big for you and she cannot sleep in your small bed” hiss hiss “Okay that was rude” hiiiisss “TRINI! CONTROL YOUR SON AND GET HIM OUTTA MY DAUGHTERS BED RIGHT NOW”
-Fire alarm goes off at six in the morning. Multiple voices are heard screaming “KIM” from 4 seperate rooms
Give me Dean, muggleborn that he is, imitating Steve Irwin in Care of Magical Creatures class, much to everyone's confusion except for Harry and Hermione who are. On the ground. Unable to breathe. And refusing to explain why.
Give me Harry, demisexual that he is, realizing that the reason he can't stop obsessing over Draco is because Draco is the one who saw - and subsequently disliked - 'Harry', and not The Boy Who Lived. Realizing that Draco was the only one to first talk to him for HIM, in that robe shop, and not his parents or fame (because even Ron and Hermione did that at first). And thus, leading to him randomly starting crying in the middle of lunch and claiming he's doomed, much to everyone's fear.
Give me Seamus, pyro that he is, super happy one Christmas when Hermione buys him a book on fire caution, flammable materials, and elements such as magnesium. Thus afterward, the mysterious fires that have always happened are far more safe and controlled.
Give me Luna, wonderful airhead that she is, being stared at as, calm as anything, she waltzes right into the Slytherin common room and starts talking to the mermaids like its absolutely normal. A first year drops a book he's staring so hard, because HOW DID SHE KNOW THE PASSWORD. Draco just sighs, gets up, goes over to her, and offers her tea.
Give me Draco. Who looks on as Neville offers Harry rhubarb pie that he made himself, as Harry stares forlornly at his Treacle Tart, and makes and annoyed sound. "Dammit Longbottom he hates bittersweets." The Slytherins stare and Pansy just mutters "How do you even know these things. Merlin, help him realize."
Give me Parvati, who is being constantly mistaken for her sister by Ron, who panics and screams "IM A LESBIAN" when it gets to be too much.
Give me Ron, who stares wide-eyes from a distance whenever he sees Padma from that moment on for a full week, until Padma flips out too and hexes him. Parvati awkwardly wonders why Ron starts getting scared whenever she tries to approach from then on, since she knows Ron doesn't have problems due to that sort of thing from how he handles Harry.
Give me the thirty or so of the school's Muggle-raised, who made the mistake of showing their folks howlers, and react accordingly whenever one of the families sends one that is just a recording of Rick Astley, or High School Musical, or spoilers for Doctor Who. And the Wizard-raised just... staring... in fear... watching their savior and multiple other students as they run around screaming and crying in an absolute panic for some reason even though it was a different student that got the weird howler.
Give me Harry, whose hair surprises people by being dark red like his mother's when in direct sunlight. And usually at the Weasley den they're inside, but one day Harry joins them outside for a picnic, and Molly is so confused about where Harry went to then has do do a mental tally of her children.
Give me George, who in the midst of the final battle, hit Lucius with an Anaticula curse, so that every spell he tries makes a duck instead. And the Death Eaters are just so confused. "Lucius... is that a duck?"
Give me the Gryffindor common room. The new first years suggest Monopoly for game night. The entire room goes dead silent. One first year tries to ask what they did wrong. "Never mention that game again," is the only response they get. "But why-" "NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR." Their brave upperclassman Neville yells, trembling. Hermione starts crying. Harry goes into a panic attack. Ron whispers, "There are many reasons we don't talk about sixth year. If The Incident had been the only thing that happened, we would only not talk about The Incident. Many things happened that year. Thus, we do not speak of that year, or of that game."
Give me McGonagall, who struggles to control the cat population, because while students are told to have their cats fixed you know not all 100 students that brought cats did so. Her curling up around a litter that lost their mother to illness. Training them to stalk the corridors. Albus had his ways of getting information, and hers is the spy network of cats.
Give me muggleborns singing everything from Phantom of the Opera to Katy Perry in the corridors. Singing We Will Rock You to a pureblood who disses them for it. The purebloods thinking the weird songs and their tunes are some kind of Rite of Passage and fleeing whenever a muggleborn student starts singing. Altering song lyrics. "I throw my ferret in the air some-times, singin EEEEEEEYO, this is DRAAAAAACO!"
Give me muggleborns that are really confused about the whole quill instead of pens things, throwing transfigured pokeballs in Care of Magical Creatures, the band students bringing kazoos and harmonicas and the wizrd-raised students that are just so confused as to how those things even work, because it must be some sort of air magic, right??
Give me muggleborns making entire conversations out of pop culture references specifically to confuse some Slytherin who just called one girl a Mudblood. "These are not the droids you were looking for." "I'm right on top of that now Rose, I promise." -jazz hands-
Give me muggleborns with Patronus that are things like Pikachu, velociraptors, the quiet Canadian transfer student with a moose patronus the size of a SMALL HOUSE, the one whose is a angeled-out Castiel, the one whose patronus is the democrat donkey and another the republican elephant and the two, previously best friends, become mortal enemies rivaling the fame of Harry and Draco.
Give me muggleborns hugging each other before break, promising to 'call' each other, trading weird codes, how they can't wait to go for 'sushi' or planning that trip together to 'disneyland' where they can go flying?? But no one's allowed magic?? Or flying?? And the wizard-raised think that somehow, shockingly,<i> these children totally new to our world have developed a way to cheat the system?? Muggleborns are badasses!!</i>
Give me muggleborns who are fully aware that the anti-tech wards were made when, like, radios barely even existed, much less cellphone towers and microprocessors, so while they can't turn them on inside the stone school walls there's this group that Harry joins constantly that just sit there in silence staring at these tiny things and sometimes randomly laughing hysterically, and every now and then standing and just running all the way across to the other side of the lake all at the same time with no signal whatsoever. The purebloods are <i>terrified</i> of this frequent happening.
Give me Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Justin from the D.A, muggleborns they are, doing a movie night every week to help the D.A. relax and bond. They re-start this after the battles, during eighth year, with several other people such as the returned Slytherins joining in. The entire year they play things like Tangled, The Breakfast Club, Brave, Lion King. But then the last four weeks, they announce they don't want to mislead everyone that everything is all fun and rainbows. The last four movies are My Sister's Keeper, The Shining, Marley and Me, and for the last week, a marathon of the entire Jurassic Park series.
Give me Hufflepuffs, who secretly are very relieved to be the 'normal' House. Jocks over there, know-it-alls over there, goth wannabees over there, now lets go camp out by the kitchens we're gonna need it to survive the next seven years like this.
Give me Ravenclaws who are so done with the riddles when they stumble back at midnight after having fallen asleep in the Library. "What's the truth?" "THE TRUTH IS THAT I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN."
Give me the Trio, who use the Marauder's Map to find the most absolutely ridiculous routes to class, knowing every single one of the shortcuts. It's not odd for them to simply appear out of the ceiling. One day the new first years try to follow them, to learn the school better, but it doesn't go so well because then they try to go through a disappearing wall the Trio just did they instead run headfirst into it, and the next time they do behind a tapestry, down a waterside, around some sort of tower, causally past an entire doorless room full of bats, and somehow come out on the complete other side of the castle.
Give me Draco whose just completely had it with Harry's staring and confronts him, like they always do, and Harry just blurts out that he likes Draco's new haircut and can he touch his hair, and Draco so shocked he lets him. "Potter stop treating me like a cat I'm evil remember? Bloody hell have you gone daft?!" "But... it's soft..." "I hate you." But he just can't find any anger over this, so there's like no venom whatsoever in it and Harry can't stop giggling.
Give me Ginny, who can't stop giggling as Luna confuses the fuck out of an entire crowd with her way of speaking, and who during seventh year could 100% get away with insulting the Death Eaters because of the way she said things. Who after Luna used said tactic to get her out of a Crucio punishment just clung to Luna, shaking, and realizing that she loves Luna so much for this very reason. That there will never be another person like Luna in her life, ever.
Give me Harry, who was not really well educated while living at the Dursleys, who couldn't read very well but was wonderful at sneaking around, little tricks like hiding things, and loved music. He taught himself magic tricks, and MERLIN ALMIGHTY THIS 11 YEAR OLD KID HAS MASTERED VANISHING SPELLS, WHAT, HOW, and Percy, uptight prefect he is, just looses it.
Give me Ron walking in on Harry talking to some random snake in their dorm room, laughing like the snake said a particularly good joke, tipping his head and smiling as he responds, the python slowly curling up his arm to rest over his shoulder. Ron freezes, stares, and then slowly backs away, closes the door and stands there staring at it for a full half hour in absolute horror.
Give me the rest of the D.A. walking into the Room of Requirement and hearing screaming, Dean shrieking that he's going to murder someone, Hermione crying, Justin cursing like a sailor yelling for everyone to stop, and the rest panic and run around the corner and there the four Muggle-raised students are. With some sort of odd device in their hands. Playing Mario Kart.
I personally love the fae, but I know many people would rather stay far away (and of course it’s very important to know safety guidelines whether you do or not!) so here’s some information I’ve collected.
From many different sources:
Never use your real name when interacting with fae, or they can take control over you
Always be polite and respectful and do your best not to offend. Remember, better safe than sorry
As a general rule, don’t eat food when visiting the fae realm. This will make you a captive, unable to leave, and often the food isn’t as wonderful as it may seem, and only glamoured rocks, mud and sticks. (It’s said faeries will take offense if you don’t accept food they offer to you in our own world though)
Do not think yourself more clever than them or try to swindle them; you will end up in very hot water
You may not want to accept faerie money.. as again, it is often glamoured and will turn back into leaves and acorns soon after
Do not blindly intrude were you are not wanted (fairy rings, sacred faerie places, etc) Always ask first and respect their answer!
Should you find you’ve wandered into a place where you feel strong malevolent energy or evil presence and experience “faerie terror”, back away slowly, don’t run or you might get lost. Send out your good will, and if you can, throw up a bubble/egg ward to protect yourself
Do not to take the fae lightly or seek them half-heartedly. Take care not to act as if they were weak, harmless or lenient. It is very foolish to underestimate them. Faeries are not strictly good or evil (neither are humans), and respect and caution are always best
Salt and iron (tools made from iron, a nail in your pocket) are traditional faerie deterrents
Three leaf clovers can be carried as a protective charm, and four leaf ones can break through faerie magic or allow you to see hidden fae (note some traditions say you should have multiple clovers as each will only work once)
Wearing St. John’s Wort will give you strong protection from faerie magic
As will wearing a daisy
Carrying a rowan twig, or hanging one over your door, that was collected on Betaine may bring protection
Flipping your clothes inside out can prevent faerie mischief by its unexpectedness
Visualisation wards can be effective
Scatter primrose petals outside your door to keep faeries at bay by creating a barrier
If you hear bluebells chime it is a warning that danger or faerie enchantments are near
Putting a daisy chain on a child is said to protect them from being taken as a changeling
Forget me nots can be used for faerie protection
If you’re friendly with any other faeries, you may ask them for protection against ill-willed fae
Faeries will avoid gardens with tomato plants
Make a bundle of twigs from the trees of the faerie triad, oak ash and thorn, and carry it for protection (it will only work if they’re bound together, if separate, they are an invitation to the fae)
One traditional faerie protection is placing mirrors throughout your home
Cats may chase away faeries
The sound of heavy iron bells and chimes may drive them away
Leaving out gifts of honey and milk can appease the fae if you wish them to leave you alone
ok but on that ‘humans are weird’ train: think about how terrifying they would find out sense of humor?? Most of our humor is based off of some sort of pain. I mean - you’ve seen America’s Funniest Home Videos. 90% of the clips are people getting hurt. (The other 10% is cute animals.) Comedians almost always get their material from self-deprecation. Dark/horror comedy is a very popular genre. Insults are hilarious. And have you ever seen ANY slapstick comedy? Think about how terrifying that is.
Human Steve: AW MAN look guys I found a bunch of old Earth videos I used to watch as a kid!
Captain Hetch-*click*-tier: This is a wonderful opportunity for us to gain knowledge of your species’ fawnlings, Human Steve! Let us observe these videos.
Human: awright this was my favorite as a kid - it’s called Tom and Jerry.
Engineer Tra'che: H-human Steve, this is- oh deities, this is horrible! Is this a cautionary video for fawnlings?
Captain Hetch-*click*-tier: Human Steve, how are these animals still alive? Why would anyone - Human Steve, are you… are you laughing?!?
Human Steve: *guffawing* He ate the bomb!! Oh, this is a classic! Hahaha - he’s been skinned!
Hetch-*click*-tier and Tra'che: *back away slowly*