and all you can do is laugh

The fourth of 7 ways Otayuri decide to be cute af

Also on AO3 | FF.net

One of the kittens pawed at Yuri’s hand.

“She likes you,” Otabek commented, looking fondly at the scene.

Yuri scratched her back. “How do you know it’s a she?”

Otabek shrugged. “It’s a guess.”

“I see.” Yuri now held her up. “She’s cute.”

“Nobody can top you,” Otabek blurted out.

“Hah?!” Yuri almost dropped the kitten.

The shop assistant chose this moment of silence to interrupt. “I’m sorry to inform you, but this kitten is the only make kitten we have. All the others are female.”

Yuri looked from her to the kitten to Otabek before he burst out laughing. “You really suck at guessing, don’t you? You were wrong about today’s weather too.”

Otabek, too, cracked a smile. “I know you like being right, so I don’t mind being wrong,” he shrugged.

That caused Yuri to blush.

The shop assistant cleared her throat. “Have you decided on which kitten you’d like to adopt?”

Yuri looked at the kitten he was holding and looked thoughtful.

“You don’t want him?” Otabek asked.

“No, I do,” Yuri assured him. “You want to know why?”

“Sure.”

Yuri gave him a cheeky grin. “He reminds me of you.”

“You want to replace me?” Otabek faked his hurt in a convincing way.

Yuri’s smile faltered. “Of course not! It’s just that if he is like you, there’s no way I can ever dislike him.” Too late, he realized what he had said.

Otabek smiled warmly, surprised by the sudden confession. “If that’s the case, I see no problems.”

“Alright,” the shop assistant nodded, “then please follow me to the register, where we have the forms you need to fill in. Do you have a name for him?”

“Want the honor of having a namesake?”

“No thanks,” Otabek laughed.

Yuri held the kitten up and looked at it curiously. “Then how about… yes, I have the perfect name for this little dude.”

“Here are the adoption forms.” The shop assistant handed Yuri the forms.

“This is perfect,” Yuri said when he was done.

The shop assistant glanced at the paper and snorted, making Otabek check it too.

“Really?”

Yuri ignored him. “We are going to be so happy, Lord Tiger Snowflake the First.”

“I hope you have a nice day.” The shop assistant bid them farewell on their way out, still smiling at the name.

Otabek nodded to her while Yuri only had eyes for his new kitten as he walked out the door.

“Here.” Yuri handed Otabek his phone without looking at him. “Take a picture of me and Snow.”

“Snow? What happened to Lord Tiger Snowflake the First?” Otabek asked, but shot a picture of a smiling Yuri holding up Snow anyway.

“That’s too long, he’s got to have a nickname.” Yuri explained calmly as he got his phone back.

“Let’s go home.” Otabek resigned himself to the fact that he was dating a complete idiot.

“Our home,” Yuri corrected him. “And we can’t go before this.” He opened his camera app and stood next to Otabek.

“Smile.”

Twice Reaction: They have to kiss their female idol crush at a photo shoot

*REQUESTED BY Anon*

Nayeon:

*pretends like it’s nothing* *talks to you like you’re a friend*

Originally posted by nayeoh

Jeongyeon:

>What I have to kiss Y/N! Shit, Jeongyeon don’t show that you like her. Don’t smile or anything towards her. JUST IGNORE HER COMPLETELY<

Originally posted by gu9utwice

Momo:

*laughs every time you try to kiss her*

Originally posted by 0ncelovestwice

Sana:

>Ok Sana this is your chance do not screw it up<

Originally posted by misamo

Jihyo:

All smiles, can’t believe she gets to kiss you.

Originally posted by twcevelvet

Mina:

*gif*

Originally posted by nayeoh

Dahyun:

“I get to KISS Y/N!?” *whispers “Best day ever!!”*

Originally posted by tw9celand

Chaeyoung:

*hides for a while trying to calm her nerves*

Originally posted by chaenqs

Tzuyu:

“Did I just hear right? I get to kiss the Y/N?”

Originally posted by hanichul

~~~

Admin C

and you drive me wild

(Click here to read the previous chapters!)

PART SIX: Let’s make your outfit look hot

“Laf?” Alex called from his bedroom. He was standing in front of his bed, six different outfits spread out in front of him.

“Oui, mon ami?” Lafayette poked his head into Alex’s room. He had little green spots all over his face–– a face mask to treat his nonexistent acne.

“I can’t decide on what to wear,” Alex whined.

“Mon ami, seriously?” Laf asked, picking up the suit Alexander wore to all of the Washington’s uber formal events.

Alex gave a nervous laugh and shrugged. “I… wanted to make a good first impression?”

Laf shoved the suit at Alex for him to hang back up in the closet. While Alex was doing so, Laf had rejected three more potential outfits.

Alex went to gather them up when Laf stopped him.

“I must tell you why not to wear these for this kind of moment or you will never learn,” he said. He cleared his throat as he picked up the first outfit, a faded t-shirt for an obscure band and torn jeans. “This is not at all you,” Laf said. “Wasn’t this a Halloween costume?”

Alex blushed. “But what if he likes the whole grunge thing?”

Lafayette tsked. “Mon ami, do not lie about who you are or what you like to get a boy or girl or anyone. Ever. It is not worth it.”

With that, he picked up the next outfit, a bright blue polo shirt and khakis. “Alexander, mon ami,” Laf said, cocking an eyebrow at his brother. “What the, how you say, fuck?”

“Remember my job at the snack shack on the golf course last summer?”

“You were going to wear your work uniform?” Lafayette exclaimed. “I do not believe I even have to explain why you should never do that.” He shoved the clothes into Alex’s arms.

“I was trying to look professional!” Alex said.

“Professionally bad a fashion,” Laf muttered.

Alex glared at him, but stayed silent. Lafayette was just trying to help, after all, even if he was being the ultimate sass queen about it.

“And this little number,” Laf said, holding up the final outfit. It consisted of tight black pants and a purple sequins top. “This was from a talent show performance. From eighth grade. Do you even fit it anymore?”

“Fuck off,” Alex muttered, swiping the outfit out of Laf’s hands.

“Were you going to wear the hat, too, and bring your wand?”

“LAF I SWEAR––”

“Ah, I am only teasing, mon ami,” Laf said with a wink.

Alexander crossed his arms and huffed at his brother.

“Now, let us look at the final two outfits.”

All that was left were two pairs of dark blue jeans, a collared flannel shirt, and a dark green cable knit sweater.

“The sweater,” Laf said confidently. “It goes well with your skin and brings out your eyes.”

Alexander studied the sweater. “And which pair of jeans?”

Laf looked at each pair before turning to Alex in confusion. “They are the same, non?”

“One has more of a distressed look than the other,” Alex said as if it should have been obvious.

“And are you distressed, mon ami?” Laf said, his tone light.

“Always,” Alex mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“Then the more distressed ones it is!” Laf turned to leave the room, but stopped short of the doorway. “And when you are done, mon ami, come to my room. I will fix your hair.”

“But my hair is fine, L––”

“I will fix it,” Laf said again.

Alex knew it was useless to argue. “Fine,” he said with a sigh.

“Magnifique,” Lafayette said with a grin. “Let us prepare for game night!”

What is distance?
  • Distance is a number.
  • It’s what makes me wish I lived somewhere else,
  • just to be close to you all.
  • If I could,
  • I would be with you in a heart beat.
  • I'd hug you tightly
  • And spend hours talking with you.
  • Watch movies
  • And laugh under blankets
  • Like we already do.
  • But in person.
  • Because while distance is just a number
  • The ache I have when I want to be there -
  • When I want to hug you
  • And shower you with my love
  • And remind you how much you mean to me -
  • Isn't dulled easily.
  • Because you're so far away.
  • And distance is a number.
  • A big number.
  • It doesn't stop me from loving you.
  • From sending you every bit of my affection
  • And good thoughts
  • And happiness.
  • It doesn't stop me
  • From wanting to talk to you for hours
  • And tell jokes
  • And be silly
  • And sit in silence.
  • It just stops me,
  • Momentarily,
  • From giving you physical affection.
  • But, really,
  • That won't stop me for long.
  • It's just delaying me for a little.
  • Don't worry.
  • One day,
  • I can't say when and I can't say soon,
  • But one day,
  • I'll see you.
  • Remember,
  • Distance is just a number.
  • And numbers, we can work with.
  • And though I'm not great at math,
  • And crunching the numbers will take some time,
  • It'll be worth it.

{Hey, between all this fun going on, I do want to thank those who stick around for my portrayal. I know I’m not a 100% serious Leo rper. That there are times I dive into crack rps a bit too much or I joke around with my muse. But I like to think I can even have some laughs with a muse that is usually a pretty serious guy. 

So thanks again to those that stick around and to those that get a chuckle or even a smile out of the things Leo and I do here. You guys mean a lot. Never forget that.}

anonymous asked:

30, 38, 81 <3

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?

the fact that I live in this modern day, over-populated, disgusting world and not some fantasy land where I could just roam the land all day on my dragon

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?

nothing physical, maybe a nice message from my gf at the time but I can’t remember 

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

that’d be @avantgardne and we’d be sitting on lisa’s bed laughing about stupid shit even though we’re tired af

mada-okitakunai  asked:

jackson 3 sentence fluff? thank you !!

“Nooo, babe, you’re doing it wrong!” Jackson exclaimed, leaning over and grabbing the controller from your hand; you let out a gasp and pouted as your boyfriend began to play the game in your stead.

“Did you seriously just do that?” you asked, smiling coyly as a revenge plot began to form in your mind. “Fine, two can play at that game,” you said before pushing Jackson over on the couch and tickling him as fast as you could in all the places you knew were his weak spots.. 

His laughs filled the house and he began to gasp for air while simultaneously begging you to stop to which you simply laughed and continued; eventually, Jackson managed to flip you over and then you spent the next few minutes nearly dying of laughter from his tickles until he eventually showed you mercy.

Give me a pairing, an AU, and I will write a three-sentence fic~

deads-on  asked:

Once you get this you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly, and send it to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable). Spread positivity!

1) I like my height, glad I got that from my father’s genes. And it’s 166cm by the way.

2) I like being honest, it can be a real pain (especially when my words stab people’s hearts unintentionally) but I rather be truthful all the time because lies not only hurt those around you, but also hurt yourself.

3) I like being a money saver, while I dare spent some money on certain things like laptop, pen tablet, phone and food, it’s not often done anyway. I don’t buy expensive clothes, brands, jewelries, make-up..yeah, I’m plain simple in that department.

4) I like that I am able to make people laugh, it’s one of the best things to do in life. If you’re a comedian or have even a tiny funny bone somewhere in you, use it to the fullest and treat everyone with laughter. Because laughter is the best medicine, and the best gift.

5) I like that I can draw and ended up being an artist. Because I not only can illustrate my feelings out (by having fun and expressing my thoughts), I can also brighten up someone’s day by drawing something they like or related to. Or if an artist’s in a pinch, someone can help by buying their arts. It’s giving and receiving.

This is my first time drawing Yamikumo but I had fun drawing him and happy Katsuki..XD Consider this my thank you gift to you, hope you enjoy, Son!

P.S: Anyone can do this so if you did, let me know so that I can read them! :)

I’m watching Steve Wilkos right now and there’s this guy on his show explaining that he was raped by his girlfriend and the whole time the audience and Steve are laughing??? like??? MEN CAN BE RAPED TOO and the guy was genuinely explaining what happened and that he felt uncomfortable after it happened but Steve kept saying “You’re a 22 year old guy who says ‘no’ to sex?” and he also said “I’m in my 50′s and I still don’t say no to sex!” And he even had the audacity to ask the audience “Do we believe him you guys?” and the audience all shouted “No!”

like…yikes…

4

“This was a really good idea, Kins” Said Elliott “It’s so good to be able to spend some alone time with you and Jarrah.. I mean, I do love the rest of your family, it can just be hard to have a proper conversation with you when everyone is around, it’s just so busy!” Elliott pause “Oh, I hope that didn’t come out the wrong way?”

Kinleigh laughed “No not at all, I know exactly what you’re saying. I’ve been feeling the same way. I know we’ve spent a fair bit of time together lately but when everyone else is around I kind of feel like I have to fight for your attention..  That’s why I thought it would be good to hang out somewhere away from the house for a change.. Not to mention the fresh air out here is amazing!”

The Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals their true nature.

 I was tagged by the sunshine that is @sunny-day-sky , thank you friend. And jesus did I took long to do this,

I’m gonna tag some of you that I think haven’t bee tagged, probably forgetting people if you want to do it, say I tagged you! @bahorelly @mariquia @todaysgonebi @just-a-colour-bandit @draco-rys @cottoncandyfeuilly @courf-the-goof @brohorel @grangratree

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?  Look, I’m not sure; what I can say about happiness is that I don’t expect it to be constant, but is all in the small moments. The laughs with silblings, the feeling of a strong wind in a sunny day, an afternoon with nice colors. There’s hapiness in all that things.
2. What is your greatest fear? I fear that one day I’ll look back and realize I didn’t do anything. But also like being in a pool and then for some reason to find that there’s a shark or a huge snake in there too.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? My laziness. I do have a terrible tendecy to procastinate everything to absurd levels. Sounds funny but no pal, it’ll drive you and me crazy.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?  Hypocrisy maybe? 
5. Which living person do you most admire? A lot of people. But I had this professor, and he was such a good professor. Ah, good times.
6. What is your greatest extravagance? How do I answer this? I’m a extravagant person in a lot of aspects, but nothing too remarcable that I can pinpoint??
7. What is your current state of mind?  Hahaha what do i know.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Puntuality?
9. On what occasion do you lie? I’m generally an honest person,  usually if I lie is by omission, sometimes deliberatly by omission.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? I feel a bit uncomfortable about my forhead, maybe my cheeks i don’t know. I’ve never considered myself particularly attractive, but  standard is alright-
11. Which living person do you most despise? I can’t think of anyone? Most people I’ve despised became pretty irrelevant.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man person? Strenght of the mind.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Same as above. Why would you even make a difference? In fact I’m going to cross this out.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? They’re mostly in spanish. “Mae” that’s the equivalent of  “pal” or “buddy”. 

16. When and where were you happiest? I’m not sure, I think it might have be when I was a child around six, but as I said happiness comes and goes.
17. Which talent would you most like to have? Oh, I’d like to be much better at drawing, you know there’s a difference between drawing what you can and drawing what you want, I’m still stuck with the first one. But also like I’ll like to move things with my mind or teletransportate that counts as a talent or is superpower?
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Maybe my laziness, I which I could be more pro-active sometimes, you know, keep my motivation for longer and all.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Ehhhhh. I once won a medal for dancing La Bamba when I was like four. HA.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Oh, I’d love to come back as some big feline, or as someone with the resources and the ability to make great changes and have cool adventures.
21. Where would you most like to live? The mountain probably, a place not too secluded, close enough if I want to visit my family, but surrounded by nature and easiness, and also cats of course, maybe a dog.
22. What is your most treasured possession? I’m guessing this refer to material belongings. Not sure, I have a nice necklace with a trisket that mom gave me when i turned sixteen.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?Hahah I read mistery and was stuck reading this again and again like nine times. I guess not finding the strength to enjoy the little things of life, being stuck always waiting for more, without stoping from time to time to appreciate what is there.
24. What is your favorite occupation? Hm, like for myself? I’m a Social Worker, but I’m not very sure about it, I’d like to be an art teacher, that sounds nice,
25. What is your most marked characteristic? I’m known to be a bit of a calm mess.
26. What do you most value in your friends? For me it’s enough that they enjoy my presence from time to time, and that I enjoy theirs, and of course that they accept who I am, some laugh is always nice.
27. Who are your favorite writers? Uh! I like Kafka, Herman Hesse, Kahlil Gibran.
28. Who is your hero of fiction?  Scheherezade.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Can’t think of anything?
30. Who are your heroes in real life? I guess, the heroes I most appreciate are those people who fight the small fights in the everyday life, that call for respecte and acceptance of the minorities, and that by doing so creat a better world.
31. What are your favorite names? I’m not sure? Jeez, I’m not sure about a lot of stuff hahaha. 
32. What is it that you most dislike? The feel of superiority
33. What is your greatest regret? Hm, maybe small things, I tend to try to be unapologetical, particularly I regret a long relationship that i didn’t endeed sooner. 
34. How would you like to die? Heroically? haha Sounds ridiculous but it’s true, It’s true,. At least with a clean conscience that i did what i could. 
35. What is your motto?  Do what you can, what you can’t you can’t.

There, not sure what this says about me, probably that I don’t know much.

I AM SICK OF THE SAME OLD SMUT IN FANFICS

I’m tired of smut just being porn star worthy, professional, distant fucking

give me fic smut where the characters are new and awkward and ‘oh my god am I doing this right?’ and 'no, oh my fuck you don’t put it there’

give me fic smut where the characters are crying but not like 'that’s good dick’ crying or 'shit that hurts’ crying but rather 'oh my god I love this person more than life and we’re so close right now’ crying, gimme some of that full out bawling

give me fic smut where it’s all a joke and they’re doing anything they can to purposefully kill the mood just to make the other one laugh

give me fic smut where they’re trying things out and maybe things don’t go as planned but they keep going anyway and have a good time

give me fic smut where the characters are literally teasing each other the whole time, but not like sexually teasing but more like insults that are their way of flirting like 'ow you bit my tongue, nice going you clumsy asshole’ and 'fuck you, I made you spaghetti and this is the thanks I get?’

give me fic smut where they laugh, be it because one of them did something funny/embarrassing or because they’re just happy????

like can people in smut fics be more than attracted to each other and not just sex machines with their only priority being fucking???

Travel in packs.

Tonight I was threatened in the parking lot of a Best Buy. I am a white femme in my late 30s.

I was carrying my purchase and heading to my car. A pair of young white men were following me. I put my things in to the car and as they passed me, one of the men said, “bitches shouldn’t be out alone anymore.”

His friend laughed.

It was dark. I couldn’t see their faces well. One was blond, the other a brunette. They got into their car. I got into mine as fast as I could, drove back to our hotel, and shook a lot until I could go inside. 

I have no plans to report it to the police. What would they do? I couldn’t even identify those men. 

Please, kids. Travel in packs. Don’t be alone if you can help it. Especially after dark. 

I love you all.

1. Friends will leave, Friends you’ve had for years will become strangers, and people that you met in your english class first semester will become your best friends. Time means nothing, and friendships end for all kinds of reasons but one of the biggest reason that you will find for losing friends is that you simply outgrow each other. sometimes people don’t fit in the same ways they used to and thats okay, sometimes you walk the same path to only end up on completely different ends.

2. Just because people do good things does not mean they are good people and just because people do bad things does not mean they are bad people. Don’t judge people based on good or bad deeds, people can be all kinds of surprising and first impressions are almost always wrong.

3. You will miss that boy all the damn time, even when you get over it, there will be days your just looking out the window and the color of the sky will remind you of the time you were laughing in his car singing along to old r&b songs. Its okay to miss him, its okay to be sad about it. Just don’t let it consume you and don’t ever ever ever tell him that you miss him.

4. If they don’t make plans with you, they do not want to hang out with you. People are never always busy. We make time for the things that we want.


5. Stop making excuses for him, stop making excuses for her, stop making excuses for everyone that does you wrong. Their actions do not deserve to be justified. If he is not here for you its because he doesn’t want to be. If an apology is lame, don’t accept it, and don’t make up one in your head. If she lies to you, cut her off. Stop making excuses for people, if someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them. 


6. People are not all bad. when you get out of the mentality that “people suck”, you will start experiencing life. Talk to people, and don’t close yourself off to the world because one person broke your heart. There are so many kind people out there, put yourself out there and stop hating everything and everyone. People can be amazing if you believe they can be.


7.Its okay to not know how to breathe sometimes. Its okay to feel like everything is collapsing on top of you. No one is happy all the time, So many people feel the things you do and its okay. You will be okay, things have a funny way of falling apart just to be put back together again. Nothing is more amazing and more painful than the way your heart can break into a billion pieces and glue itself back together.

—  7 things I learned by the time I was 17 
So here

LESTRADE: So the whole thing was a fake.
SHERLOCK: Yes.
LESTRADE: Looked so promising.
SHERLOCK: Facile.
MOLLY: Why would someone go to all that trouble?
SHERLOCK (offscreen): Why indeed, John?

Fun fact: When Clue was first released movie theaters played different versions so everyone was fighting about what the ending really was. My mom said that people kept on trying to reason their ending and how it made the most sense…
Then it was released on dvd and everyone was finally able to see the TRUE ENDING

- credits to @lowenguth-the-space-boy

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

“GATISS: One of my favorite things is that amazing Orson Welles film, ‘F for Fake’ […] it’s fantastic, it’s all about the history of con tricks.

And in the beginning, he says, ‘I absolutely swear to you for the next ninety minutes everything I tell you will be absolute and literal truth.’

And then right towards the end of the film, it spirals into this extraordinary story about this con man that you can’t believe – and then he just sort of checks his watch and says, […] ‘My time is up, the last ten minutes I’ve been lying my head off!’ [laughs]

It’s brilliant … it’s really what we sort of do in miniature.

Mark Gatiss, on being asked about plot secrets.

“If we pull this off, it will make television history.” “It’s kind of groundbreaking, they’ve done something that’s never been done before”


additionally:

“An eminent scientist gets caught up in a highly damaging and compromising lie.”

“A doctor starts an affair with enigmatic stranger and begins to suspect more is at play


However, nothing is ever as it appears, and when she receives an unexpected proposition from an enigmatic stranger, Yvonne is shocked by the passion he awakens in her. But gradually she begins to realise that there is much more to her lover than meets the eye, and she could be playing a very dangerous game indeed.”


like seriously though (I know those are real people and real names, but… just so funny :D)


oh I almost forgot:


and:

(trailer after tfp)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cM4c5wJF3Dk

The dialogue included:
“Can be wonderful, can be terrifying.”
“What did you say?”
“Something that drives you in and crushes you to nothing.”
“We are going to have different versions of the same story.”
“Do you want to hear the wildest story of them all?”
“You’re starting to intrigue me.”
“It’s all just one big performance.”
“We are going to be busy, you and I”


One more miracle!

“Of course it’s not a trick, it’s a plan.”

——————————————————————————————

and for all you Johnlockers and any other interested conspiracists, there you go:

http://goodmythicalmail.tumblr.com/post/155921536266/the-episode-was-fake


——————————————————————————————

EDIT: 

thought I’d include this as well

@graceebooks 

(it’s (almost) all about the wallpaper)

5

“Tell him you’re excited to have his last name and then marry his brother.”

Oh my god I had so much fun doing this silly comic! I really hope everyone can take this prompt as a joke as I really mean no harm in doing this! 💖 Some McHanzo for Valentine’s Day 💖💖💖 have a fun week, y’all! Check out more of my silly doodles here :D

shiv

///


November 14th.
In the coffee shop,
the man in the
Make America Great Again hat
smiles at me, so I take this
as an invitation.


“Pardon me, but I have to ask—
do you think Trump’s
ideologies keep every person
in this country safe?“


He doesn’t hesitate.


“Ma’am, I can’t get wrapped up
in identity politics, all I can
worry about is how
I’m going to feed my girls.”


///


At my 40th birthday party,
an acquaintance asks
why we have “so much
Mexican art in the house.”

“It might be because I’m Mexican,” I say.

“No,” he laughs, “you’re not Mexican.”

“Yes. I am.”

“No,” he continues, reassuringly,
“and if you are, you’re only, maybe, 17%.“

The winter air stiffens between us.
An old, familiar pain.


///


There was a time when I
would have thanked him.


The early years,
when I wanted only to pass,
to rid myself of my last name—
the dead giveaway,
its muddy lineage


crawl out from the burying shame
that held me down every time
my father picked me up
from school in our shitty car,
his bushy mustache
& brown face
magnified by the sun.


///


A local white woman
posts a photo of her new tattoo:
a Mayan god etched eternal
on her flesh. When I point out
the disrespect, she assures me
she speaks Spanish fluently,
spent three years
in South America.


For the next six hours,
I argue with her friends.
They demand I quit being so
divisive. Judgemental. Close-minded.


“We have a racist running for President,
and you’re complaining about a tattoo?”
asks the white boy, who spray paints
murals all over this city
with impunity.


O, to be permitted the luxury
of only worrying about one thing at a time.


O, to be white in America,
to wake up knowing every god is your god.


///


When you never see yourself,
you search for yourself all the time.


You know the white girl
in the sombrero isn’t you.
The bro dude in Calavera makeup
isn’t either, not the ponchos
and glued on mustaches,
not the lowrider Chevy
in the Disney movie
or the hoochie-coochie
sex pot on the Emmy
award-winning television show.


Maybe you are only this:


the scorched bird pulled
from the chimney,
covered in soot.
Not the actual bird,
its velvet sack
of jigsaw’d bones,
but the feeling
of recognition.


The ash of knowing.


///


A white comedian tells this joke:
“I used to date Hispanics,
but now I prefer consensual.”


The audience laughs.
And you do, too.
Until the punchline hardens,
translates into a stone
in your throat.


You swallow it, like you always do.


You don’t change the channel,
but you also can’t remember
a single joke she tells after that.


A few months later, the comedian’s career
blows up. She’s so real. So edgy.
Such a hardcore feminist.
When someone writes an essay on
her old stand-up routines—
noting her blindspot when it comes to race,


her response is:


“It is a joke and it is funny.
I know that because people laugh at it.”


///


If two Mexicans are in a car, who is driving?
A police officer.


How do you starve a Mexican?
Put their food stamps in their work boots.


What’s the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?
One can raise a child.


What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip


How do you stop a Mexican from robbing your house?
Put a help wanted sign in the window.


What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?
Grand theft auto


What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed


What do you call a building full of Mexicans?
Jail


How do you keep Mexicans from stealing?
Put everything of value on the top shelf.


What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running downhill?
A mudslide.


Why don’t Mexicans play Hide ’n Seek?
No one will look for them.


What does a Mexican get for Christmas?
Your TV.


What do you call the Arizona man shot to death
by his white neighbor, screaming, “Go back to Mexico!”
Juan Varela


///


November 29th.
For weeks, I’ve avoided
eye contact with strangers.
My face is a closed curtain.
My mouth, the most
decorated knife.
I pay for groceries,
grab the receipt &
let my half-hearted
thank yous trail like smoke.
I no longer want to see
who refuses to see me.


Anyone is everyone.


///


December 1st.
I keep waking up.
There isn’t anyone
white enough to stop me.


Pantomime the living until
the body remembers:
wicked bitch. Bloodwhirl.
Patron Saint of the Grab Back.


Still. Still. Still. Still. Still. Still here.


///


I etch my own face upon my wicked flesh.
I am my own devastating god.

 


Rachel McKibbens, Dec. 2016

give me a voltron episode where they’re all on a planet covered in a million and a half different species of flowers and allura is like “i just think that perhaps you shouldn’t touch ANY of them” and of course lance is all “well what does this purple one do” and he touches it and it blurps out this goo on his hand and he yelps and tries to wipe it off on keith but keith blocks it with his hand and BOOM. their hands are stuck together. can’t pull away, cant find anything to get it off, NOTHING. allura is nearly crying because why does lance never LISTEN and shiro is just internally screaming three feet away while pidge laughs their ass off.

fast forward to them dealing with it on the ship. coran is running around trying to find information on the Snorfalus plant and how to remove the goo, but until they have an answer, they’re quite literally stuck holding hands.

keith is pissed because, if there’s an emergency, he wants to pilot his lion. but lance is fighting to have it so they go in his, and it becomes this huge thing that escalates and they’re both thisclose to punching each other when pidge kindly reminds them that neither of them can pilot at all if one of their hands is covered in this super-alien-force glue. keith is dying inside. lance tries to make a pun and keith kicks his shin. it’s a hot mess.

it gets even worse when hunk oh so sweetly asks how they’re going to end up sleeping tonight if they’re stuck this way. cue keith turning bright red and stumbling over his words for three minutes before lance sighs loudly and says “i swear, if you’re a blanket hog, i’m putting you on the floor.” needless to say, neither of them sleep very well that night in lance’s cot, both of them staring up at the ceiling, too embarrassed to say that they know the other one is awake.

just imagine keith and lance trying to do their every day routines while being forced to hold hands because of this goo. eating at the table, standing next to each other at meetings about next steps, attempting to train together.

at first, it’s rocky. they both walk at different paces so they trip over each other, they go in different directions at the same time and then get snapped back together and fall over, and there is zero privacy at all. but as the days go on, something shifts and they start bickering less. they communicate better, start falling into step and accomodating each other instead of pushing to be in control. their movements become fluid in training and they’re strong. stronger together than they were apart, even. and it’s noticeable.

maybe that’s why coran hid that he knows how to remove the goo for an extra week. either way, when it’s finally gone and keith and lance are free, the team works as a unit even better than before. lance and keith have each other’s backs like it’s just instinct now, can predict each other’s movements, and it makes them all that much stronger and better as a team.

keith won’t ever admit that he misses the constant feeling of lance’s palm pressed tight against his own. it’s a shame, really, considering that the only thing lance misses more than earth is the way keith’s fingers felt entwined with his own.

Polaroid 

*CLICK* 

*FLASH* 

Remus: ….. What are you doing? 

Remus: … That’s a muggle camera. 

Sirius: *grins* Lily gave it to me.

Remus: The pictures don’t move you know… 

Remus: Can you choose a moment when I’m clothed?  

Sirius: *smirks* 

Remus: *sighs* … At least let me hide the scars. 

Remus: *sits down on the bed across from Sirius* *raises an eyebrow* You do walk around topless all the time. 

Sirius: *casually* You should definitely take my advice and never wear a shirt. Ever.

Remus: *slowly grins* … Alright. 

Remus: You want to play this game? 

*CLICK*

*FLASH* 

Remus: *laughs* Alright… you’ve had your fun. No more pictures.

Remus: I’m serious. 

Sirius: Really? What a coincidence! So am I.

Remus: No more pictures. 

Sirius: Wouldn’t dream of it.

FIN