and all her other friends have already passed away

zayn’s gone but it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone though? i opened up my laptop before and there were the 5 of them, im listening to four and there’s all 5 of their voices ??

closure is weird. my grandma passed away over the weekend after a very hard few weeks of surgeries and tubes and oxygen masks. she was 91. she wished to be cremated, and we didn’t have a proper funeral because we have a very small family and all of her friends have already passed on. we went to her house this week to clean it out, and while it was sad that she wasn’t there, it didn’t feel like she was permanently gone or anything ? like, it was as if we were cleaning out her house so she could move into a hospice, or move in with my parents. the ashes are in a box above the fireplace. my mom didn’t want to open the cardboard box the makeshift urn came in, but I did. it was a nondescript green box. there was a cremation certificate. and so far that’s been about it.

i haven’t cried too much, i mostly get sad when i see my mom upset. but, it has been good and cathartic for me today to open up tumblr and see so many of my friends expressing such beautiful open sentiments about zayn tonight and about the happiness we have built for ourselves in 1d. it’s ok to be sad and be publicly sad, and I’m not good at practicing that, but today felt like an extra safe space and I think I needed that. anyway, I had a good cry tonight under the blankets in bed and I already feel a little better.

It has not been a good week for people I know :( my one friends family has abandoned her essentially after her boss fired her after she already put in her 2 weeks notice, another had someone close to them pass away, and my sister is crying over college loans she probably can’t afford