Can It, Sassifer.
Anon: Hey can you do one where the reader is Lucifer’s little sister , the youngest archangel and she and Lucifer are constantly fighting for Sam’s attention , she likes Sam and Lucifer wants to just already use Sam as a vessel .
Anon: Can u write a fanfic about Lucifer’s little sister , she has a crush on Sam and she ain’t afraid to show it , she is very sarcastic and has an enormous amount of sass like her brother , and she and Lucifer are always fighting for Sam’s attention . Can u make it funny
So, I got two anon asks for basically the same thing, so I did them both in the same story. I hope you guys like it! Like always, feel free to message/ask me with critiques and comments!
Summary: You, the archangel sister of Lucifer with a similar attitude, has a crush on Sam Winchester. You decide to visit during the aftermath of the Cage (Season 7)
Tags: @winchesters-favorite-girl @the-third-winchester-warrior
@fandomspecialist101 @random-superwholock-images @nerdy-free-writes @jensen-jarpad @lil-sister-winchester @daughters-and-winsisters @winchester-sisters-imagines @mysweetcookie99
“Oh, sure,” you mutter for the upteenth time in eternity. “You get all the fun stuff of messing around with Sam’s head and what do I get?”
“Here we go again…” Lucifer rolls his eyes.
You gesture to your surrounding environment with both arms. “The Cage! Full of wonderful attractions galore! And over in this corner we have a giant piece of metal connected to another piece of metal! And in the other corner, more metal, trapping me with the biggest idiot of a brother for all eternity!” Some days weren’t that bad in Hell, but most of the time, you’d go off on sarcastic rants for hours. It wasn’t the worst boredom coping strategy, but it drove your archangel brother insane.
“Would you let it go already?”
“NO! I’m not letting this go! YOU’RE the main reason that we’re stuck here in the first place!! You just had to go and possess the one person who had even a chance of resisting you! Never mind that you had a perfectly good vessel you were already using-”
“Who was burning to death-”
“Who wouldn’t have tossed us in here!”
“Oh, don’t give me that crap. This is just like back at the wack-house.”
You raise your eyebrows. “You wanna go there? Really?”
“I’m not the one who kept trying to get Sam to play spin the bottle.”
You try to keep your face from turning red in your shared prison. “Oh, like you were any better. Streamers and pinatas?”
Lucifer shrugs. “I like donkeys.”
“Not according to the last election, you don’t.”
You stroll up into the pale mental hospital room to the bedside of your favorite human: Sam Winchester. Sure, you were a pretty pissy archangel like your brother, but something about the Winchester boy made you feel more than indifference towards a vessel.
“Hey, Sam. Wake up,” you whisper. He stirs in his restless sleep a little. You glance around the room. “Lucifer’s on his way. I don’t know how long until he’ll come, but be prepared. There’s some serious crap he’s throwing your way today.”
“And you know this…how?” Sam mumbles tiredly.
You scoff. “Because both of us are in your head, dingbat. Now, do yourself a favor and hide the chair!”
“Why do I like you?” you mutter not really under your breath. “Yes, you hulking mess of hotness, the chair! Unless you want to deal with-”
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNINGGGGGGGGG!!!” Your warning is cut off. You bite your tongue and close your eyes as your annoying celestial brother appears from nowhere. Sam covers his head with the bed’s pillow, trying to drown out the brutal singing of the archangel.
“Rise and shine campers! And don’t forget your booties because it’s cold out there!”
“You quote the Bill Murray movie one more time and I swear I’ll-”
“Don’t swear sis, you’re an angel!”
You roll your eyes bitterly before you survey the new level of insanity your brother has reached. “What in the unholy mother of Metatron are you wearing??”
Lucifer is decked out in party hats, streamers, confetti glued to his face, balloons, those weird kazoo-paper-shooty-things that almost never work…it’s like a demented birthday package exploded on his person. He shrugs. “It’s my birthday.”
“No it’s not!”
“Uh,” he scoffs, “it is now. Because I say it is. Isn’t that right, Samantha?”
Sam is doing his best to ignore the new appearance of the world’s most hated figure in history, but he’s failing miserably. It would take a sloth on morphine to not notice the absolute absurdity of your brother. He sighs and rubs his eyes.
“Just…both of you…”
“Not today, smokestack. I need your help right now.” Luci whips out a classic pinata from nowhere. The multi-colored paper rustles gently as he shakes it up and down. “No party’s complete without one of these babies. But, unfortunately, I grudgingly admit I don’t have the height to hang this up from the ceiling. So, you gonna help a brother out or what?”
“We are not brothers.” Sam hardens his gaze at Lucifer. “If you ever call me that again, I will rip you limb from limb and roast your bones.”
You sigh dreamily. You love it when the Winchester boy talks murderously. So…sanguinary. Mmm. Just makes your heart flap around in your chest.
Lucifer shrugs. “So, does that mean if I break it, I get the candy?”
“You’ll be fighting me for it. C’mon.” Yes, you hated your brother, but candy filled pinatas? Million-year old grudges could be put on hold for sugar. You start to climb on top of Lucifer’s shoulders.
“Watch the head.”
“Oh, like I’m damaging precious cargo.” You string up the rainbow donkey. “I got dibs on first whack!”
“Ah, ah, ah. Age before beauty, little sister.”
You whip out a human femur bone from somewhere. “Not if I’ve got the bat.” You point to a disgusted looking Sam with the body part.
“You want up?” Sam closes his eyes and lies on the bed. You shrug. “Your loss then.”
You pull back the femur bone, ready to knock the crap out of the flimsy donkey when-
“Hey!” You protest as a blindfold is placed over your eyes.
“You may be the queen of cheating, but that has no place in the head of Sam Winchester.”
“Can it, Sassifer and let me swing before I think you’re full of candy for me to beat open. Oh wait…”
“Sassifer. I like that.” you hear Lucifer muse. “I’ve been needing a new name. Thanks, Sis. What do you think Sam?”
Sam is silent again. Trying to ignore everything you guess. Sam…my poor, sweet, selfless Sam…
“You know what? We should totally play spin the bottle after this!”
You feel your face heat up as you crack down the femur bone on where Lucifer’s voice came from. The bone shatters in your hands.
You smirk and take the blindfold off your face. “All talk and no brains. It’s like I’m speaking to a walking mouth.”
Lucifer suddenly tackles you and the two of you begin wrestling, glitter flying, balloons popping. Sam looks over at the chaos you two are causing.
“Guys…you’re gonna break something unless you…you know what? Neither of you are real, so never mind.”
“Not real?” you choke out in a strangled voice; Lucifer has an arm around your neck before you flip him onto the floor and break free. You race over to Sam and kiss his cheek, feeling redder than before. “Does that feel ‘not real’ to you?”
“Hey! Paws off my buddy, sis! I still want an untainted vessel someday!”
“Oh, go find a cliff to jump off of.”
“Aw, now you don’t mean that.”
“You know what? If you wanted the best way to kill yourself, jump from your ego and land on your IQ”
Sam snorts in the background; you feel your heart flutter with his approval. Lucifer is stunned speechless. You smile. “Well, as much as I love these conversations, I really should be going. Sam, good luck dealing with this psycho. Save a spin-the-bottle round for me!” You blow a kiss in his general direction and disappear.