and I think about being a mom one day

Why I Love Connor Murphy (and why his character isn’t an innocent one)

Hello y’all, I’ve seen Too Much discourse in the DEH fandom recently on the part of people liking Connor and not liking Alana and Zoe enough, so here’s some of my thoughts on the matter (in no perfectly organized order) as well as some headcanons that I have which are supported by evidence in the show.

Connor Murphy was clearly a deeply fucked up kid. Signs of different mental illnesses should have been abundantly clear to his parents from the get-go, but they obviously weren’t (outward violent aggression towards teachers, isolation of himself from other peers, etc.) Connor was clearly crying for help in the only way that he could, through violence, and it’s clear that his dad was resistant to putting him into therapy. Then, (I’m assuming in middle school/early high school) he got into hard drugs (which ones we’re never explicitly told) and attempted suicide. Finally, after that, he goes to rehab, but the ride isn’t over yet. 

Zoe mentions him banging on her door threatening to kill her for ‘no reason.’ so we can assume some things.

1. Connor was either high or mid-manic episode.
2. He did not have full control of his actions.

This, of course, could never excuse abusive behavior, but it does explain it and gives room for us to assume that this was before rehab. After rehab, he comes back to school, and I’m going to assume that though he had gotten better, he wasn’t quite good enough. He started self medicating with pot and other less harmful/addictive drugs (”I don’t want you going to school high, Connor.” the way this line is delivered makes me assume that Mrs. Murphy knows Connor smokes pot and cares but only in the context of school.) to try and calm his depression/bipolar/psychotic NOS (I believe he was schizophrenic.)

Connor Murphy was not excusable in his actions, but I love him because he was a tragic character who reminds me of myself. And besides, none of the characters in this show are perfect.

Now, getting to Connor’s mental state during the week that he killed himself:

Very up and down, we see him being nice to Evan (signing his cast, laughing with him, etc.) in one scene, but in the next he sees Zoe’s name and instantly becomes extremely paranoid/panicked because he thinks that Evan is out to get him. He’s constantly worried about being labeled a “freak” (due to constant bullying from almost everyone.) And he keeps the note for two days in his pocket (not at school) and kills himself with it still there. 

Connor Murphy was mentally ill and his mom was the only one who gave very much of a shit about it (Zoe did too, I think, but she didn’t know how to deal with it.) and that’s all, Connor Murphy deserves our love not because he was a good or nice character, but because he had the potential to be. 

I mean, imagine if he had been properly rehabilitated and continued therapy? 

lost-teens  asked:

Hi Cassie! I really love your books and I can't wait for LOS to come out. I was wondering if we are ever gonna know/see more about Tessa and Jem's married life. Are we going to see them interact more with Emma? Are they able to have babies? If so, will they be warlocks or shadowhunters? Or both? Or maybe Tessa doesn't want children because she can't bear watching her children dying again?

If Jem and Tessa had babies they would be, just like Will and Tessa’s babies, Shadowhunters (with maybe something a little extra in the power department.)

I know Jem and Tess are very loved and we do see them in glimpses in TDA but the story isn’t about them (and I’m very wary of them swooping in and fixing everything, especially when Magnus is around off and on, that’s a lot of warlock firepower!) 

I don’t think Tessa would hesitate to have children again if the time was right. She’s enjoying just being with Jem – it’s only been five years since the Dark War – but she loved being a mom. Imagine if we chose never to love anyone because we feared they might one day die? Tessa isn’t bitter, or angry, about the mortals she has known who have died after long and happy lives. She is grateful she knew them and looks forward to seeing them again one day.

anonymous asked:

mmmm how do you feel about trans peter quill

peter quill realizing he’s trans at young age, but getting the sense from 1980s society that it isn’t okay, and his mom says that he’s special but not everyone will understand it so he should keep it to himself for now

peter quill losing his mom, the only person who really seemed to accept him, and then he’s immediately abducted before he can even really begin grieving what he’s just lost

peter quill being gawked at by yondu’s crew and peter gawking right back bc some of these dudes are BLUE, and for the first few days they just call him “the terran” and peter begins to wonder if they think that’s his name

one day peter is laying on his side sulking, listening to music, and thinking about his mom, and yondu walks up to him and says “c'mon, boy, we made you food so come eat it or i’ll feed you to the crew” and peter can’t really pay attention the the threat on his life bc he stopped listening when yondu called him “boy”

and peter asks yondu if he really thinks that peter is a boy, and yondu just says “well i wasn’t hired to pick up no girl” and that’s it, and for the first time peter feels a bit better about being on the ship

No one asked but here are some stories I have from working in retail:

- I worked at Starbucks, and this old man came in to order something for his granddaughter, but apparently she only told him what it was once and he had never set foot in a Starbucks in his life. So he gets up to the counter and proceeds to order a “grande caramel filipino.” When we finally figured out he wasn’t being racist we realized he was trying to order a frappucino and I still can’t think about it without laughing

- I managed a candy store for a while, and the store opened at 10 AM. In addition to candy we also sold lots of life-size cardboard cutouts, which we displayed all over the store. One day I arrive at 9:30 to open up, and there’s a family with young kids hangin’ out at the bench across the way. I go about my business unlocking the door, then as soon as I open it, I hear the mom yell “ITS OPEN, BOYS” and three screaming kids run right past my legs and into the store, which is almost pitch black and very cold. While I’m wondering how to handle this (and what parents think it’s acceptable to let their children run into an unopened store) I hear three small, bloodcurdling screams, followed by the boys running out of the store in terror. Apparently, they ran right into our cardboard cutout of jabba the hut and it fell on top of them.

- We had to kick out a 90 year old woman when I worked at a movie theater because she refused to let us check inside her bag, even though we explained the new policy, that we check everyone’s bag and that we were only doing it for her safety and the safety of others. This saggy crypt keeper in her pastel church suit starts shouting insults at every employee she sees, screaming about how “I HAVE BEEN COMING HERE FOR FORTY YEEEEARS” and “How DARE you suggest i’m some sort of CRIMINAL!” “I AM A GOD FEARING WOMAN!” She goes on like this for twenty minutes, so long that one of the managers literally ASSIGNS someone to sit at the ticket booth and listen to her yell. Finally, when she’s all screamed out, her husband (who hasn’t spoken a word this ENTIRE time) gently takes her by the elbow and leads her away, before turning to smile and mouthing a “thank you” in our direction. It was cryptic and two years ago and i still think about it all the time

friends to lovers!au ❁ svt jun



Request: can i request friends to lovers with jun? thank you

I wasn’t sure if you wanted this as a scenario or an au so I did an au instead! If this isn’t what you wanted, I can rewrite it for you as a scenario (jun loses his chill somewhere in this au omg) (:

Originally posted by zeropathy

  • your mother introduced you to jun while his mother introduced him to you at the age of ten
  • both of you weren’t comfortable with each other at first, it was kind of really awkward
  • neither of you spoke to each other, but jun played the piano for you a lot so he could practice and you wouldn’t be bored being alone
  • the first time you guys had a real conversation was when you both were twelve
  • INCREDIBLE i know, how could u not yet have an actual conversation with someone you’ve known for two years
  • well
  • u both managed to do just that
  • ALSO you know what being 12 years old means
  • a judo club, really. you had no idea what the hell was going on and you just saw a tall man’s naked cHEST oh my god what the fukc can he please put his uniform on PROPERLU
  • junhui’s mother signed him up for wushu
  • which kind of sucks cause like
  • less time hanging out with ur best buddy
  • but it’s okay in the end because now you can use judo for self defense and jun can probably kick someone’s ass
  • going to school together was also really fun
  • you two both rode bikes to school and back
  • the kids in your class thought you two were dating but ?? no ?? have u ever heard of cooties??, gross
  • plus you two are only twelve the kids can chill
  • fast forward to when u two are fourteen years old (rebellious stage as some ppl call it)
  • jun joined the same clubs you did at school even though sometimes those clubs sometimes clashed with his piano and wushu lessons
  • “jun are you sure you want to join informational technology with me?”
  • “UHM yes. i want to learn about computers too, leave me be.”
  • “i’m taking care of the library for volunteer hours. don’t you have piano lessons today?”
  • “there’s a recital tonight. i’d rather hang out with you than play jazz music for gross adults.”
  • jun’s mother came into the library right after that
  • she got pissed when she heard what he said LOL HE’S SCREWED
  • once jun hit puberty he got HELla sassy
  • even u couldnt handle it
  • when you were practicing your judo with jun he got obnoxious and kept talkin g bULLSHIT
  • so u performed an uchi mata on him
  • he was on the floor for seven minutes
  • “keep ur mouth shut little boy”
  • “…u hit me in the balls … . ..”
  • you threw an icepack at him after a few minutes
  • “talk shit. get hit.”
  • his voice changed, wasn’t rlly a surprise to both of u since it wasn’t noticeable at first but it became gradually lower as the weeks flew by
  • he got tall
  • ur both sixteen now and fukc what thef uck jun can u please shrink a little
  • (depending on reader size, difference isn’t much OR IS VERY MUCH)
  • jun quit piano. he was a bit too advanced for his teachers and he got bored; they didn’t give him difficult enough shit to play
  • he still practiced wushu, but didn’t go to those lessons anymore either
  • he did get a job though, good for hi m
  • he took work days on tuesday, wednesday, and saturday so you two still had plenty of time to hang out!!
  • jun was always around you whether you were taking care of the library, putting together a desktop computer in I.T. or practicing your judo
  • you both were stuck together like glue
  • your parents thought you two looked good together
  • . .. u two weren’t sure of ur feelings??
  • like he even tries hard to look good for you even if it’s just you two casually hanging out
  • he styles his hair, picks out the best outfit that you would like and puts on a subtle amount of cologne
  • dude he’s liked you ever since you two became teenagers
  • but since you two are nearly adults, he’s trying to make it really obvious that he’s attracted to you
  • because he knows how you are when a boy likes you
  • you don’t have any idea
  • you just think they’re being nice and you end up being friends with them instead of becoming someone’s girlfriend
  • he liked that about u though
  • cause ur cute and practically innocent to crushes and dating
  • so one day, jun decided to give you a bouquet of flowers
  • “aw, thank you! my mom would love these!”
  • “yA these flowers are for you not you R MOTHER”
  • he grabbed the flowers from you and grumpily stomped inside your house to put them in a vase before going back to where  you stood
  • “i like you, okay? have you really not noticed a thing all these years?”
  • “ ,, . no? ?”
  • jun: internally screaming
  • keeps his cool
  • nevermind
  • “CALM DOWN i like u too gosh ur so annoyin g honestly”
  • “!!?!??as a friend right u like me as a fRIENd you obLIVious sHTI”
  • you didn’t answer him right away and you gave him half an hour to calm down
  • so thats something
  • your mothers are dramatic
  • they both threw a party once they discovered u two were together
  • (so tht is also something)
  • now you two are inseperable
  • your friends seem to always find jun stuck to your side or your back
  • he loves giving you backhugs you’re so comfy
  • when you’re working on something in your bedroom like a project for an extracurricular class, he’s either pressed against your side or you’re on his lap
  • he loves burying his face in the crook of your neck
  • he rlly likes sleeping next to you too because you make him feel warm
  • his kisses are either short and sweet or ,,, dirty
  • jun finds it cute that whenever he goes in for a kiss, you always shyly lean away from him
  • it’s not intentionaL but it happens
  • his arms are almost always around your waist
  • u can’t push him away u just can’t
  • the honeymoon phase weighs heavy on him
  • but as you two get older he gets less affectionate but is still as loving
  • he wouldn’t be as into PDA anymore, he really likes to touch you and kiss you when you’re in private
  • you both are a really dorky couple
  • juN loves you so much
  • he pats your head more often than not
  • doesn’t mind carrying u
  • he thinks ur tiny even though you probably aren’t
  • takes u out on dates that are fun, but relaxing
  • mostly just takes you out to a casual restaurant or a library cafe
  • he loves u and will take care of u pls treat him with love and kindness

Originally posted by animequeenn13

"Open when..." letters

So, for Christmas, I am making my boyfriend 50 “open when…” letters; consisting of:

  1. You get these
  2. You miss me
  3. You need me but I’m asleep already
  4. We’re both super busy & have little time to talk
  5. You’re sad
  6. You’re stressed
  7. You had a shitty day
  8. You need to know how much I love you
  9. You need motivation
  10. You’re doubting yourself
  11. You’re giving up
  12. You can’t sleep
  13. The distance is just too much
  14. You’re worried about the future
  15. You want to know EVERYTHING about me
  16. Something bad happens
  17. I’m in a shitty mood
  18. You’re ill
  19. I’m ill
  20. We move in together
  21. You’re thinking of asking me to marry you
  22. We get married
  23. We have our first kid
  24. It’s the day before you’re going to see me
  25. It’s the morning when you get to see me
  26. You’re on your way home
  27. You’re worried about me
  28. You need a laugh
  29. You want a walk down memory lane
  30. You feel like a “crappy boyfriend”
  31. You’re thinking of self harming
  32. You relapsed
  33. I relapsed
  34. You’re upset with me
  35. I’m upset with you
  36. We didn’t get to see each other when we wanted to
  37. It’s your birthday
  38. It’s Valentine’s Day
  39. It’s New Years
  40. It’s April Fools
  41. You want to know how happy you make me
  42. People are being idiots
  43. You’re in need for a confidence boost
  44. I’m not answering you
  45. Your mom is the reason we can’t see each other
  46. It’s our one year
  47. You hear a song that reminds you of me
  48. Someone was hitting on you
  49. Someone was hitting on me
  50. You finish all of these

If anyone has any ideas of things I can put in the letters, my ask is always open for suggestions. And trust me, I’d much appreciate any ideas.

I’m just imagining 10th grade Connor being, as most 10th grade boys are, the worst little shit imaginable. Like this insufferable little 10th grade twerp with shaggy hair, an oversized hoodie, and a bad attitude. And I hate this kid.
But when I start to think of him more complexly.
Because his mom makes such a big deal about his “first day of senior year”, and assuming he hadn’t previously been held back, we can assume that Connor is at least smart enough to pass his courses and be on the track to graduation.
And yes, one could argue that maybe Connor is just naturally very smart. But I’d like to propose a Connor who actually cared about school, despite what people around him and his concerning attendance record said. A Connor who was struggling with both his mental illness(es?) and school work, but held out a bit of hope for what graduation might bring. So he works with what he can and gets decent grades.
10th grade Connor with his undiagnosed mental illness(es?), actually doing homework in detention he got from skipping class because of his mental illness(es).
Also, 10th grade Connor scaring away certain boys in his grade from talking to his sister because he knows them, but 9th grade Zoe is pissed bc all she sees is her brother just ruining her chances of getting a date to homecoming.
Feel free to add to this

Hair Ties 2.0

Kayano: Nagisa, why do you always have those hair ties in your wrist but never use it?
Nagisa: *looked at his ties*
Nagisa: *smiles*
Nagisa: It’s a special gift from someone important.
Kayano: ….


Karma: Nagisa, you still keeping those hair ties? I could give you new ones.
Nagisa: N-No! These were your first gift to me!




Nagisa and Karma hang out for some time during their first years and Karma got curious why’s Nagisa’s hair is long so being someone straight forward, he asked Nagisa why, and being Karma’s friend, Nagisa told him about his mom.

The next day, Karma, worried by his friend’s situation, gave Nagisa a pair of hair ties as a gift, so Nagisa would be less bothered by his hair. Nagisa wore it ever since, however due to a circumstance, (I can’t think of anything yet) the hair tie almost broke, he never wore it again but he always had it on his wrist. He didn’t want to break nor lost his friend’s gift to him. Something like that.

Please please. Someone make a formal fanfiction story out of this.

Tag me or atleast let me know if you did. Pretty please?? Or has this been done? Where can I read it? I want to read something like this too bad. Thanks! Thanks!

some newlywed rubiam sound p good don't u think

•"holy shit we’re married"
“holy shit you’re right"

•liam and ruby were always the ones to roll their eyes at the posts online like “so glad to spend the rest of my life with my best friend” like how corny can u get but what did they do as soon as they were engaged? post the same damn things smh

•"i want a divorce so i can marry you again"

•one night ruby wakes up to find liam staring at her and she’s like ??? and he whispers back “i woke up and remembered you’re my wife and got too excited and now i can’t sleep” what a NERD

•at their wedding he trips on something and goes down hard and immediately looks at ruby and goes “even after we’re married i’m still falling for you darlin ;)’” she threatens divorce

•ruby is such a covers hoarder it’s ridiculous so when they get married she’s like “now you’re stuck with me so i can steal the covers all i want” so liam starts playing the game of how many blankets can i add in the night before she gets too hot and stops stealing them. her record is 12.

•once you have pneumonia you’re more susceptible to getting it again so liam who catches pneumonia again on the 3rd day of their honeymoon and ruby who goes out of her mind with worry because she’ll be damned if she’s a widow at 23

•alternately ruby and liam enjoying their honeymoon so much they stay an extra few days because who’s gonna stop em?? you want me to come into work sorry i’m across the country can’t do it. they led a revolution let them have this.

•the do not disturb card stays on their door the whole time they’re on their honeymoon

•vida gets mad at them because “really??? you’re going on a tropical vacation just to have sex in your hotel room the whole time? what the hell you can have sex here. at least go have sex on the beach or something”

•chubs tells them “if you come home pregnant i’m going to make fun of you for being a stereotype the rest of your life” and ruby’s just like “that’s fair”

•eventually it’s ruby who makes them go back home because she misses their dog

•they’re OBNOXIOUS about the whole “this is my WIFE ruby because we’re married and i love her and she’s my WIFE” thing

•once he calls her Mrs Stewart he’s like…ugh no that makes me think of my mom so it has to be ruby stewart when they’re tryna be cute

•like don’t get me wrong he still loves mrs stewart it’s lit just not when they’re being romantic it’s hard to go down on someone right after thinking about your mom it’s kind of a mood killer

•"ooh babe you had a crush on me that’s so embarrassing"
“we’re married”

•okay so i headcanon that after the camps are liberated liam works for a company that finds homes for kids whose parents didn’t want them back/were killed/ can’t be found/ etc and when he brings up kids with ruby she’s like “you work with kids all day aren’t u tired of children wtf”

•one time liam has to go to some government meeting that was supposed to end at a certain time and he’s asked to stay later and his response is “no, our agreement was 6 o'clock, my wife has dinner ready and i hate it here. Goodbye.”

•their texts are a compilation of funny dog videos and 3 word questions only they can decipher

•one time on ruby’s day off she hears liam leave in the morning, raises an eyebrow, looks at the clock on the wall and counts the seconds before the door opens again and he runs back in because he forgot to kiss her goodbye


Gotta tell you, one of my favorite parts of being married is being able to shut down idiots who say this to me with two words and a sardonic smile. Granted, I did that before, but “I’m married” carries more weight than “Not interested.” Which, I think, says something about the kind of guys who use this pickup line.

One day, maybe- when we have the money for the wedding it’ll happen. 

At work I have more problems with meddling moms and aunts. I took my ring off ONCE because my hands were swelling and this woman literally grabbed my hand to see if I had a ring because ‘you’re so nice and my nephew- he’s a sweet boy but he needs to meet a nice girl like you.’ One woman literally tried to set me up with one of the framers (the one who makes Nazi jokes) while looking at my ring and asking if it was a marriage band. 


Quit it. 

writingsinseoul  asked:

BTS Reacting to their gfs teaching their baby how to dab


“Wow this is just sad” “Look the baby doesn’t like it stop doing that to my little meatloaf” *Window washer laugh*

Originally posted by the8-carat


“Ahh seriously stop, the poor baby is confused” “Give me him, I’ll put him to bed while you think about what you’ve done”

Originally posted by jeonbase


“Ooh baby got swagger! she really is my baby” *Starts dancing with her, being a sunshine*

Originally posted by jjilljj


“My baby dances better than me” “Probably learned it from Hobi hyung” *laughs while carrying them to their crib*

Originally posted by mojozozoeffie


“I don’t think he likes that” “Look you made my son cry” *laughs as you quiet down your confused baby* “You’re such a bad mom”

Originally posted by myloveseokjin


“Wahh she’s doing so well” “She’s going to join Bangtan one day missus” *laughs as the baby gets hyped* “She’ll be the next Jeon Jungkook”

Originally posted by taesverynofun


*tries to be stoic but fails and starts giggling* “He doesn’t even like it ! you’re going to make him cry”

Originally posted by jihope-inthestars


anonymous asked:

OMG more of foster mom Jyn and teacher Cassian pleaseee if you don't mind

pt i   pt ii

This one has some mentions of bullying, some discussion of racism, and references to a child beating up another child, so.

There’s a system, in their apartment. Jyn wakes up last, comes home last, and eats last, and she’s more than okay with that, if she stops to think about it. She spent so much time, as a teenager, in and out of juvenile detention and foster homes and a sixteen month stint of homelessness, not being sure if she was going to eat every day; she’s more than glad to make sure Finn and Rey eat before she does, and sleep before she does.

“You act like an angry mama cat,” Bodhi says one weekend. He’s come over for lunch and to take Finn out to the movie theater, as a Big Brother does. “You stare at them while they eat.“

“I want to make sure they have food.”

“They do, you know. Even if you’re terrible at cooking.”

Jyn doesn’t look up from her book. “What’s your point?”

 “Maybe hold off on the staring?” Bodhi says. “It worries people. They think you’re going to tear their faces off.”

Right now, though? She wants to tear faces off.

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Roundup: The first half a week of George/Suzanne

The AU in which Bitty’s jock parent is Georgia Martin. So far, I’m the only one who’s published fic or headcanons of these two I think??

1997: George and Suzanne meet again

1992, 1994, 1997: Suzanne bakes her way into George’s heart.

2002 Olympics: George and Suzanne talk strategy for being gay as they plan to move to the South.

How Bitty’s life would have changed in an openly gay family in Georgia

Suzanne Bittle is a cool gay mom.

2013: Bitty tells his moms about his first couple days at Samwell.

2013: Bitty and Jack meet each other’s families at Parents’ Weekend and have a clash of worldviews

2013: Bitty explains to Shitty how growing up surrounded by pro hockey players has affected his perspective on the sport

banner note:  lowqual snapchat edit for a photoshop-less author

Hi loves, I guess it’s about time I make one of these to appreciate all the people that I have somehow convinced to press that follow button how even.! as well as the people that makes me wanna log on everyday I honestly forgot the exact day of my blog anniversary so I guess today will do for this post wink wonk c: It’s been about a year since I actively wrote for bts and got back into the army tumblr community and I’m happy the allure and fascination in writing did not leave me back then. First off, I really want to say thank you to all of you, sincerely, I never thought I would meet so many wonderful people on this website and the amount of talent in this fandom is astounding! Thank you for being so patient with me, for understanding that I’m a fickle writer at heart (them random ass updates) and thank you for letting me share my stories with you. The following people have been meaningful to me in someway, whether that is through the little things like the occasional message or some that I can truly count on to be there when I need them. 

Note, that more one of the below categories may apply to you but I like organizing it this way :’) also if I didn’t write a message for you it’s not because I love you any less but more like I’m trying real hard for this to not exceed a certain length and crash everyone’s app (HA). Please forgive me if I forgot anyone .. I really tried my best TTTT but believe me when I say if I have punched that follow button then I have loved you for a long long time. So without farther ado.. 

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I won't draw anymore?-

Today… My mom saw me using the new tablet. We talked and she started questioning about what I do and what type social media I use…. Then she told me.. That soon, I won’t be drawing anymore. I asked why. She said I have to grow old of it sooner or later because I’m supposed think about my future, and who I’ll be when I grow up.

I said I wanted to be an artist. To grow up and keep drawing because that’s my passion. But then again.. She said I had to stop all of this… Because she thinks what I’m doing is a sin/not allowed..

For now I can draw. She allowed me to draw for now but soon she’ll take all of it away. And I don’t know how to respond to that. Because I never went against my mother and I don’t know what to do. She said Islam forbids drawing. Drawing a living being to be exact. And… That’s what I do here..

My father doesn’t care if I want to be an artist. As long as I can get a job. Or get money out of the things I do. I promised him one day I will be able to get money out of my drawings… I thought everything would be ok. But now my mother is against me. Not yet but will.. And I don’t know when..

But then I thought…. Why would then they support me in the first place..? Why would they buy me a tablet and give me hope and then telling me that drawing is not allowed in my religion. Why didn’t they just take all of my hope away and let me think only about studying.

It’s not that I don’t study… I just don’t want to be anyone else other than an artist… I just feel my heart being crushed suddenly. Knowing soon all of the things I did is for nothing…

And even if I do find a reason to convince my mom…. What will it be??…. And I don’t even know if one day I can even make money out of this. To keep the promise for my father. I’m still young.. I thought I had enough time.. But my family is struggling with some things rn.. And they’re trying to convince me to stop and focus on one thing. Getting a proper job. So when I grow I can only rely on myself. Like that, I won’t ever be in a problem like I and my family r in rn.

what can I do?

What’s Bred in the Bone: Part III

Mass Effect: Andromeda

Jaal x Sara Ryder

A 600 year nap and a 2.5 million light-year journey to find out the answer: are humans and angara genetically compatible?

Rated M for strong language, some sexuality and violence. Alien-human pregnancy fic.

Spoilers for Jaal’s romance and loyalty mission, and end of game.

Part III of ??? - Part I - Part II - Part IV

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Day One

Gotta do this for two weeks right? Let’s get this show on the road.

(I better edit this before I turn it in.)

I’m naming my ‘baby’ Tabitha. She’s two ounces in weight. I might be crocheting her a hat. Her shell is a pale white, and I hope I can raise her well enough so she grows up well-adjusted and with a solid start in life… or at least well enough so I get an A on this project.

She’s sleeping beside me, close to the lamp but like not RIGHT beneath it, I’m making sure she won’t be too warm. Her matchbox bed’s super cute too, I doodled little pink flowers on it with my highlighter. It might just be a fucking egg but I gotta take care of it, right?

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I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about Diana Gabaldon’s comment to that poor girl who came to her for advice. Usually, I roll my eyes at Diana and I move on. But I can’t do that today.

Maybe it’s because I’m thinking about going back to school. And it’s the scariest thing on Earth for me to think about. Maybe it’s because I remember being 18 years old and asking those questions of people I admired and my dreams being squashed until all that was left was a small, scared teenage girl who didn’t know what she wanted out of life.

I am a creative person who thrives on dreams and chaos. I hate structure, unless it is structure that helps to regulate the constant whirlwind in my brain. I can’t make decisions without the input of 700 people and I second guess every step I make.  I want to believe I’m a talented writer, people have told me I am, but I can never be sure. I am my own worst critic. Be that the depression or my temperament, I’m not sure.

When I was seventeen and looking forward to starting college, I had two requirements. I wanted to be a creative writing major and I wanted to attend a small liberal arts college. I started my college visits, was offered scholarships to several, and was really looking forward to being in a creative environment. I was stuck between two colleges, North Central in Naperville, Illinois, and Reed College in Portland, Oregon. I had gotten a $7k a year scholarship at Reed and a $14k a year scholarship at North Central (for their speech program)…they barely made dents in the tuition, but I knew what I wanted.

Then one day, while I was struggling with my decision between the two, I asked my mom for advice. Immediately, she told me she had been thinking about it and she didn’t want me to go into debt for school. She told me to apply to our local state university for two years and then I could transfer to a liberal arts college. We fought for days over it, but I eventually gave in.

I never made it to the liberal arts college.

When the time came to start school, I brought all of my paperwork home and my mom, step-dad, aunts, uncles…everyone…immediately started telling me how much of a mistake it would be to be a creative writing major. “You won’t make any money!” “You don’t want to go into debt for a useless degree!” My mom (and later, three teachers) suggested political science. “You can go to law school!” “You can work in politics! You’ll be much happier with that degree.”

I wasn’t.

I lasted a year and a half in college, following everyone else’s dreams for me. I took sixteen credit hours, worked two jobs, and started on a downward spiral that ended with me crying in a professor’s office, telling him I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t continue on. I was drunk, my hips were bleeding from having cut myself, and I hadn’t eaten in two days. By then, I had changed my degree to English ( “You can be a teacher!”) and there wasn’t a second of college I liked. I was miserable in a state school of thousands of students, being taught by professors who didn’t know me, and studying something I didn’t want to.

I dropped out the next day. It was meant to be a short term solution to a big problem. I got treatment for depression and anorexia, and the plan was for me to go back. But the experience was so scarring that every time I’ve tried to go back, I suffer giant panic attacks.

Every day, I wish I hadn’t listened to my mom. I wish I had listened to my gut. Even if it had led to me being in debt, even if it had led to me asking someone if they want fries with that…I wish I had followed my passion and my dreams. I work a job I hate right now, I’m in debt, I work an 8-5 job with benefits…and I’m deeply unhappy.

Sometimes, most of the time, following the money isn’t the answer. Following your heart often is. And for Diana to try to tear that away from a young woman who is in a difficult period of her life, it shows how little this woman has learned. Writers, in my experience, are often extremely empathetic and caring. They are romantic souls who see people in varying shades of gray, instead of black and white. To yearn for money is not to see the world for its beauty, love, tragedy, and ugliness. 

My advice to the young woman who contacted Diana? Follow your dreams. Follow your heart. Learn to love yourself and the world and college. You may struggle when you’re out, you may take jobs that you would NEVER dream of taking, but none of that will make you a failure.

You’re a failure when you’ve given up. Not when you keep on fighting for what you love. Not when you take a job that others look down upon to follow your passions.