and and andy samberg

8

I don’t remember my first laugh, but I know that making people laugh was my way in. It was just what I was good at early on, and I went with it. Like a lot of people say, “Oh, I developed a sense of humor to traverse the world socially” — which is a word I definitely use, traverse. 

Happy 39th Birthday, Andrew David Samberg! (August 18, 1978)

8

Comedy is such a strange thing in the world. On occasion, it can be treated with a lot of reverence, but it’s generally treated a little bit less than reverentially. Still, I’m doing this for a living. People call and ask me to come do comedy. I’m writing comedy, and people are letting me make it. I’ve already won. Everything from this point on is about what I want my career to look like. When it’s over, I want to stand by all the things I’ve made. 
— Happy 39th Birthday, Andy Samberg (August 18, 1978) ♡♡

B99 Jealousy Headcanons

Shoutout to @sergeant-santiago for helping me out and to @iwantyoutochooseme for offering moral support. Love ya ladies!

Here are headcanons for the b99 characters getting jealous over people flirting with their significant others.

Jake Peralta:
• First of all, Jake is no Ross Gellar. He completely trusts Amy and knows that women aren’t sex machines and won’t just hop on any dick that shows them interest (*cough* They weren’t really on a break *cough*)
• Nevertheless, his blood boils whenever he sees a man undressing Amy with his eyes. That is NOT how you treat women!
• He knows Amy’s tough. She knows self defense and doesn’t need protection if a guy gets physical with her. Amy will put any guy in a headlock just like THAT if he makes a wrong move.
• Once Amy get’s the douchebag in a headlock she holds him still while Jake proceeds to lecture him about treating women with respect.
• After the lecture, Jake whips out his police badge and threatens to arrest him if he causes trouble again. He notifies the bartender to keep an eye on that man if he comes back so he won’t harass other women.
• If a man offers to buy Amy a drink, Jake becomes an over-the-top cocky cop. He flashes the badge and says “Did you know it’s illegal to flirt with a cop’s girlfriend? I could arrest you right now. Okay maybe that’s not true, but still, stop it.”
• Amy loves how cute Jake gets when he’s jealous. He doesn’t get angry, he doesn’t blame her for what she’s wearing, he doesn’t get controlling. He gives her space to handle it herself and steps in when he needs to.

Amy Santiago:
• Amy trusts Jake. She knows he only has eyes for her. She’s the only girl he ever sees. She finds it amusing when other girls flirt with him because of how freaking clueless he is.
• Whenever a girl offers to buy him a drink, he never sees it as flirting. He’s so oblivious. He always replies, “Actually, do you have any $1 bills for the vending machine?” or “No need for drinks, I need some quarters to refill the parking meter.” Amy chuckles and rolls her eyes at how adorable he is.
• If a girl can’t take the hint that Jake isn’t interested, Amy steps in. “Hi, I’m Amy. His girlfriend.” and shoots the girl a glare so intense that even Rosa would shiver (not really but you get the point) the girl backs off and Jake’s all “Wow she was really nice, she wanted to buy me a drink. You think I should’ve asked her to pay for my mozzarella sticks?”
• Amy facepalms. “Babe, she was flirting with you!” Jake’s eyes widen. “Ohhhhh, that makes more sense.” Amy pats him on his arm and kisses his cheek.

Rosa Diaz:
• You try to flirt with Gina? Ohhh boy. Ohhhhh booooyyyyyy. Don’t you dare. If you want to live to see tomorrow, don’t even look at her.
• It’s not that Rosa doesn’t trust Gina. She trusts Gina enough to tell her her address. Rosa’s just overprotective over the people she loves.
• Rosa’s keen on protecting her fellow women in general. Before Amy dated Jake and went on blind dates or met guys off Tinder, Rosa would secretly spy on them a few tables down. She was afraid the guy would be a creep or weirdo and slip a roofie in her drink. Rosa did that with all of her female friends. She doesn’t show it but she cares a lot about them.
• In fact, even when Rosa’s at a bar just chilling, her eagle eyes scan the crowd looking to see if any woman needs her help, if any guy is making unwanted advances to her.
• Anyways back to Gina. Flirt with her, you immediately get an angry Rosa grabbing you by the shoulders. “She’s not into you. Leave her alone.” That drives people away quick!
• Gina loves Jealous Rosa. Rosa’s so hot when she’s jealous. Well, she’s always hot, but you get the point.
• Gina loves teasing Rosa about how jealous she gets. “It’s not my fault that I’m desirable! I’m the best thing since sliced bread!” Then Gina tries to reassure her. “Gina Linetti is a lot of things. Smart, beautiful, amazing. Most of all, she’s loyal. I finally found a lifelong mate. Someone who’s as perfect as me. I’m not throwing you away for some peasant m.”
• That ends in Rosa and Gina running off to the nearest motel to go smoosh booties.

Gina Linetti:
• Okay first of all, Gina Linetti doesn’t get jealous. She gets “snarky”
• You think you’re good enough for Rosa Diaz? Your broke ass has the AUDACITY to flirt with her? Gina will DESTROY you!
• She’ll roast you. Not a light, marshmallows at the campfire roasts. A FLAMETHROWER roast. Straight up ARSON!
• “Who did your hair? Stevie Wonder?”
• “This ain’t the 90’s, chokers aren’t cool anyone. The only use for that is choking yourself.”
• “Did you steal that outfit from a referee?”
• “You’re so hairy that bigfoot tries to prove your existence!”
• You run away crying to your mommy. Rosa asks Gina “Was that really necessary?” Gina shrugs, “You’re my boo thang. Nobody gets to look at you like a hot piece of meat on a grill except me!” Once again, they run off a motel to smoosh booties.

Terry Jeffords:
• Like Jake, Terry respects women. He knows Sharon’s equipped with pepper spray and a pocket knife and can take care of herself. But he can’t help getting angry when people look at his wife like she’s a piece of meat.
• Anyone stares at Sharon, he shoots them a glare. If that doesn’t work, he flexes. To show the man exactly what he’s messing with. That usually gets him to back off.
• Sharon rolls her eyes whenever Terry tries to scare off them but she lowkey likes that he cares so much about her.
• Ohoooo but just WAIT until boys start flirting with Cagney or Lacy. They gonna have the scariest father-in-law ever!

Charles Boyle:
• Okay we’ve all seen how jealous Charles gets over Jake. It’s no different with Genevieve.
• He gets these sad puppy-dog eyes and Genevieve has to constantly reassure him that she only has eyes for him.
• She kisses him all over his face and he kisses back which leads to nasty stuff that only a Boyle would be turned on by

Captain Holt:
• Captain Holt don’t feel much emotion. He’s really straightforward.
• A woman flirts with Kevin? Holt flatly informs her “He is gay and my husband. You’re embarrassing yourself.”
• If a man flirts with Kevin, Holt simply says, “Can’t you tell he’s married by the ring on his finger? You have terrible tactical skills.”
• Same goes for Kevin when someone flirts with Holt
• It ends with them chuckling over how they’re both studs that get all the men and women that they want.
• Then they bone

Cheddar:
• Cheddar growls at the guests whenever he sees anyone standing near Holt or Kevin
• He doesn’t want anyone near his daddies. He demands constant bellyrubs from them
• Cheddar grows attached to Jake cuz Jake for some reason always smells like steak. He won’t let Amy go near Jake because he wants Jake all to himself.
• Gina always gives the best belly rubs. Cheddar always growls any one else who comes near her.
• Yes, I did include Cheddar in this. He’s just as important to the show as everyone else. Deal with it.