Lessons learned by her paper heart
Are pulled from the mire
Enraptured from the divine
Sinner not saint
Though she prays for release
Never to enter
Always forced to believe.
Sink to the level
Where pain is a boon
From the vacuum of nothingness
Oh how it consumes
The mother, the child, the scared little girl
Dressed up like an adult
Pretending she’s in control of her world.
The race is far longer
Than she can run at responsibility’s heels
So she slows to a crawl
Wondering how this became real.
The sinner, the fallen, the goddess on her knees
Pleads for the strength
To stand up and to be
More than the soft-hearted
Sacrificed to gain what she sought
On the altar of freedom
And worldly forgive-me-nots.
Alone in the darkness
Lamenting the day she forgot she could shine
When the moondust in her hair and starlight burning eyes
Dimmed to long forgotten madness
To seek chaos as her friend
With loneliness her eternal lover
Beckoning her slowly with a grin.
Weary though she walks it
Her course of macabre delights
Ever on she carries herself
Deeper into endless night.
Viktor, sweetheart, what have you done? (AKA the drawbacks of being an optimist)
This year the Easter Bunny (and @kazliin, obviously, I mean let’s face it the Easter Bunny has precious little to do with this) brought me the best Easter/10th wedding anniversary present ever. Yes of course I’m talking about chapter 2 of Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts. What else?
Thoughts about it? Well, Viktor’s endless optimism just shines off the pages of this chapter. That boy is like a little ray of sunshine. Everybody’s talking about it. It’s the complete opposite of Yuuri, of course. And the opposite of me- I’m a glass-half-empty kind of person. I assume the worst will happen, because then I’m less likely to get disappointed and often get pleasantly surprised. When I read Viktor in this chapter, I can see the benefits of pessimism. Viktor’s positive outlook has made him so vulnerable, has opened him up to all sorts of heartbreak and disappointment.
Now I’m not saying that it’s best to be pessimistic and that it’s a good way to shield yourself from bad stuff. It doesn’t actually work like that, despite what we pessimists may tell ourselves. Life is not that simple. But I think being a generally negative person makes seeing Viktor’s attitude so, so painful. I want to scream at him, ‘give up your hopes and dreams, Viktor! You’re obviously only going to get yourself hurt! Just try being a bit more negative, because you’re just setting yourself up to get your heart broken again and again and again’.
He wouldn’t listen to me. Nor should he, because as we all know, things (thankfully) work out in the end. (I think the knowledge that I have two small children dependant on me it all works out in the end is the only thing stopping me from throwing myself into the sun right now.)
(Takes deep breath and bravely loads up chapter 2 in order to be hurt once more. Cut below)
So… Viktor’s general happiness and optimism sets the tone of the whole chapter. This actually lulled me into a false sense of security. Despite knowing what was coming (I hate you now fuck me, etc), the vast majority of the chapter was pretty… nice? Sweet and hopeful? So let’s talk about that for now. Viktor’s definitely hopeful about, well, everything, and from the start he’s very fatalistic about his feelings for Yuuri:
‘Viktor knew that he had already damned himself’
‘even if he hated Viktor with a passion to rival Viktor’s love nothing could ever change that. Nor could it change the way that Viktor felt’
‘Viktor had fallen in love with a man who loathed him’
Viktor seems to be thinking ‘well, I’m in love with him and I can’t change that so there’s no point feeling miserable about it, I may as well carry on being optimistic and hoping things will work out for the best’.
Of course he’s convinced he can fix things- ‘as soon as he knew what the root of it was he could set about fixing it for good. All he needed was the chance to talk to Yuuri, to clear the air’. If only it was as simple as that. Chris sees it for the complicated horrible mess it is, of course he does, but Viktor with his unfailing optimism genuinely thinks that he will 1. Work out what the problem is 2. Talk to Yuuri about it 3. Get to know him properly and probably eventually get into a relationship with him. Even Viktor acknowledges that he won’t ‘magically be able to solve whatever was broken between Yuuri and himself in one conversation’, but he figures it will be possible to sort things out somehow, it just must be possible.
Viktor’s optimism blinds him to Yuuri’s feelings. He notices flashes of it, sometimes: ‘his mockery of Viktor just a few seconds ago had seemed almost malicious’- you know, that’s because it was, Viktor. It was totally malicious. But Viktor’s an optimist, so instead of thinking about this a bit more, and being a bit more cautious, he brushes it off and goes back to thinking about some of the more positive things he knows about Yuuri’s attitude towards him instead. This is probably a good thing overall, because if he allowed himself to dwell on the negatives he’d probably end up giving Yuuri up as a lost cause and running a mile.
The Olympics scene was everything I wanted it to be. Yuuri’s actions only serve to add to Viktor’s feelings that there’s a part of Yuuri which doesn’t hate him. Which, of course, is true… but it’s going to take Yuuri a really long time to sort out his feelings about that, and in the meantime, Viktor is going to suffer. The next time they meet, not long before the kiss, Viktor is ‘sure that Yuuri was giving him signals so mixed that no-one could possibly begin to figure them out’. Which he’s correct about, again (he’s very perceptive, really. He can’t work out a lot of the motivations but he sees things)- because Yuuri cannot sort out what’s going on in his own head at all, so it’s no wonder other people can’t.
What’s poor Viktor to do? He knows what he should do (talk to Yuuri, talk to him, you have to talk to him). But then it all kicks off, and… I will probably try to write about that another time? (It seems like a shame to ruin all these happy positive feelings with a great big dose of hatred and misery.)
Until next time… don’t worry, Viktor, we’re all here for you. You may be burning, but we’ll all happily burn with you tonight.
omg i love eldritch skywalkers please share more of your ideas? like on leia and ben/kylo? or how leia and luke find comfort in each other because of their shared monstrous heritage?
Her son is born shining. Many mothers have said similar things; but Leia means this quite literally, for she bears what on first glimpse seems to be some kind of opalescent octopus. It shifts and judders into shapes that human eyes cannot comprehend, and Han ducks his head, swearing through his teeth. “Don’t look,” she says, soft and infinitely sad. Her son is like her: this should be a wondrous thing. And yet it isn’t. She takes the bundle of light and shifting colours – at least half a dozen colours that have not been seen in this universe – and at once it solidifies into a little baby. “Look,” says Leia. “Look how much he looks like you.”
He does. When he is human at least: the same knowing smirk, a smuggler’s grin. And at other times he looks like her, just like her, only at those times Han can’t look at him for longer than five seconds without cringing in pain. Hey princess, he said, when she brings it up, says how it bothers her, sometimes I can’t bear to look at you for longer than five seconds, you drive me kriffing mad, but I love you still – and she had slapped him, kissed him, and they’d laughed into each other’s mouths.
Kylo Ren is roiling rank blackness. He is void. He is starless night. He is, he is, he is: this is what Leia and Han tell themselves. Their shining boy, their Ben, is locked away somewhere in there. But that isn’t right. And when Han faces Kylo Ren he doesn’t see darkness but white light, endless and shining and beautiful, and that’s when he realises how badly he has misjudged this. Because Ben didn’t die; Kylo Ren grew out of him, and they are one and the same, and it isn’t as easy as plucking Ben free from the mess that is Kylo Ren, for Ben made his choices again and again, and made himself into the monster that burned the temple. How could I have been anything else. I am a monster, you could not bear to look at me, says Kylo Ren, says Ben, and Han –
Han never gets a chance to answer. I love you. You’re a wonder. You’re –
Kylo Ren wants to eat Han’s heart (Snoke’s suggestion: something final, derisive, the act of one who will never fall to the Light), but he doesn’t get a chance, because Rey – human and whole and beautiful – is intent on ripping his own out.