You act like you’re invincible, but I know deep down you want someone to hold your hand and buy you flowers and look you in the eye and tell you you’re his soulmate. You want someone who will love every piece of you, even the pieces you can’t love yourself.
We get so high we can feel invincible and perfect, but the feeling never lasts. Gravity always wins, and we fall fast, to a place lower and darker than many people will probably ever know. And the crazy thing is that this is just normal for us. We cycle through these extremes all the time, and it’s become as natural as breathing. Exhausting, but natural.
I do love nothing in the world so well as you. Is not that strange?
- As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I love nothing so well as you. But, believe me not and yet I lie not. I confess nothing nor I deny nothing.
Before there was Cocaine or vodka or sex or any of that, there was fantasy. There was escape. That was my first addiction. I remember being a little kid and imagining everything different, myself different. How did I get the idea in my head at age eight that everything was better somewhere else? Why would a child have a hole inside that can’t get full no matter what she does? The real world could never make me happy, so I retreated to the world inside my head. And as I grew, as the real world proved itself more and more painful, the fantasy world expanded.
Some things are not meant to last forever. Some relationships are meant to be intense and vast and life changing, but also short, also temporary. And after the person is gone, you’re left with what they’ve done, how they’ve changed you. And it stays with you forever, even if they don’t,
What if I’m so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We’re just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?