Oh, Allison. Only you could make your first impression be about appreciating the beauty of nosebleeds and being interested in hemophilia, yet still wind up being one of the most loved contestants from this show. The thing that I love about Allison is that she’s this super shy/meek girl, but she actually has a lot of sass hidden in her inner thoughts. She’s also just kind of a dork, so naturally I found pretty much everything that came out of her mouth to be hilarious.
And who can forget her epic lines during the white girls versus black girls battle royale after Celia called out Tahlia in elimination?
The DNA tests are in… Matthew, you are NOT the father!
Some genealogy dude shows up and asks the models if they remember spitting into tubes a few weeks ago. Tyra helpfully acts out “spitting” in case they aren’t familiar with the word.
“Ohhhh! Spitting! Yes, now I remember!"
Mirjana, Lenox, and Raelia learn that they all have some Asian ancestory. Mirjana says she’s excited to be in the house with two other Asians. Of course, in saying that, she’s excluding the two actual Asians. Oh, but wait, they aren’t Asian - both Adam and Shei are Irish, apparently!
Oh, Adam. Sometimes you make it difficult to hate you.
Next, Matthew and Keith are both pegged as Spanish. Matthew refers to himself as a "Latin lover” with a terrible accent. I’m just glad the stereotypical accents stop there before getting too offensive.
Last but not least, Denzel and Will are told they have something in common. I keep hoping the screen says: “You’re both gay!” to give Denzel a heart attack, but instead:
Damn, those are some specific things, especially compared to the generic “Asian” label used for the three girls earlier. Denzel goes overboard with his feigned excitement at having common ancestry with Will in the hopes that he’ll no longer come across as a jerk. He even shares the news with his beard weave groomer (man, I hope she doesn’t have to put beard weave groomer on her resume):
Her face is all, “Oh, how nice… like I give a fuck.” She’s not alone: no one but Denzel cares about this revelation. When Tyra asks Denzel how he feels about the connection, he calls it “poetic.”
I got a poem for Denzel:
There once was a man named Denzel Who didn’t like gay men too well. He thought losing to one would be a disgrace All the while having fake hair glued to his face. I hope they make him wear high heels in hell.
Tyra also asks Mirjana about her lineage, but she words it in a funny way.
With that reaction to the question, you’d think Mirjana’s response is about to be something like, “Oh, Denzel’s condom fell off, but I fished it out.” In reality, Mirjana says she’s owning the fact that she’s Asian now. Then Tyra immediately plays a clip of an Asian woman dissing Mirjana’s picture:
Ouch! You just don’t expect that coming from family!
Anyway, enough about the other models. This was never about them anyway. This was an excuse for Tyra to discuss herself; since she doesn’t have a talk show anymore, she had to finagle it into Top Model so it would get airtime.
She does a funny walking-and-talking segment on her way to get her results. “People have been asking me my entire life, like, what’s my family history? What’s my this?” Can you imagine what it’s like to have people approach you with personal questions? That would probably suck if “Tyra Banks’s life” wasn’t coincidentally Tyra Banks’s favorite topic of conversation.
I have no doubt about what’s running through Tyra’s veins: drugs. Don’t believe me? Look at how she reacts before she opens the door:
In addition to spitting in a tube, I hope someone made her pee in a cup.
Tyra sits in a strange room with lots of candles and envelopes on a table. She opens the first envelope and learns that she’s 6% Native American. According to the DNA guy, only 1% of people are even 5% Native American, which makes Tyra “very rare.” Quick, someone hide that headdress! I’m surprised that Tyra appears to be zero percent Indonesian. You’d think they’d at least lie and say she was so that she could scream about Bali choosing her all over again.
Then the DNA guy starts revealing information about Tyra’s direct ancestors. Her great great grandfather was a freed slave who owned land. Look at her excitement at seeing that business runs in her blood:
They’re obviously using a family tree rather than spit to look this up though, right? I mean, here they’re naming Tyra’s relatives, whereas Lenox is “some amount of Asian.”
Also, Tyra’s great great great great grandfather fought in the Civil War and was shot twice. After recovering, “he went back and fought some more.”
Let’s give it up for the real hero, though: Tyra Banks. It takes a lot of courage to share intimate details about your background on national television, so I’m sure this must have been a difficult decision for her. It’s reassuring to know that she’s 79% African, 12% British, and 100% Narcissistic.
Top Model Topanga Lawrence-Matthews discovers models with help of photographer husband Cory Matthews through her show America’s Next Top Model. Cycle 12 closes with what Lawrence believes is the strongest top three of all time - Riley Matthews, her very own daughter, Maya Hart, a small town girl with a face for the camera, and Farkle Minkus, the instagram favorite.
Not gonna lie, I was a little nervous for Lacey this week. Hadassah has cockroached her way through this competition for reasons even Tyra probably can’t explain. After Hadassah spent the last couple episodes bitching about Bello and Dustin and managing to squeak by them, I was worried her rivalry with Lacey would doom Lacey to the same fate.
To be clear, the rivalry is one sided. Hadassah resents Lacey for being a good model, while Lacey doesn’t seem to give Hadassah much consideration at all. Hadassah tells Lacey that she deserves to receive more criticism and later tells Kelly Cutrone that the feedback for Lacey hasn’t been fair. Cutrone insists that the judges’ scores are completely fair. In fact, as Tyra would later point out, ANTM is “about scoring.”
Sounds like we owe Mikey an apology - his total hornball strategy has been the right one all along!
Nyle astutely reminds Hadassah that obsessing over Lacey’s weaknesses isn’t going to make Hadassah any better of a model, which makes Hadassah frown. Putting down the competition is half the fun of pageants! Don’t take this from her!
That’s basically all Hadassah has at this point anyway. She has a weak portfolio, so her argument can’t be “keep me, I’m a good model,” it’s “get rid of her because this week she was a little worse than me.”
I agree with the judges that Hadassah’s face is beautiful in her photo, but the expression remains vacant as usual. Where’s the smize? She’s not giving that extra touch of modeling. As it stands, she looks like she’d be on the cover of a DVD where a naughty teacher F’s one of her students. And by F, I don’t mean fail.
The funniest part is the judges pretending that Hadassah was amazing in all the other models’ photos - clearly the Vegas party drugs hadn’t worn off yet.
Huh? If that’s her “alive,” it’s only because in another shot she thought she was doing the doll shoot all over again.
And don’t get me started on how amateurish she is here. I’m just saying this narrative the judges are inventing that Hadassah has undiscovered “potential” has been bullshit the entire time. Not unlike Hadassah’s own bullshit narrative about how kids used to hate her in school.
Wasn’t she saying just last week that everybody likes her and she’s never heard anyone say negative things about her? She’s just making this up as she goes along. No wonder she and Bello hit it off initially.
Once eliminated, Hadassah twirls and starts walking out the wrong exit. Tyra directs her to the right door and laughs while calling Hadassah a “pageant girl.” Haha, yeah. Pageant girls are so stupid, aren’t they? Unlike models, who are most definitely known for their intelligence.
Just prior to this moment, Tyra says she’s proud that Hadassah is a “survivor” after being in the bottom-two so often. You’d think Tyra would be prouder of the models who aren’t constantly at the bottom, but I think I figured out why Tyra has a soft spot in this case. ANTM had embarrassingly low ratings for years, and still, almost inexplicably, wasn’t cancelled. Scraping by without merit is a hustle Tyra has come to respect! Too bad it finally caught up to Hadassah… and ANTM!