The fact that it is October 2nd, and I have still not seen a gif set of pumpkin man’s improved performance, complete with a sequined leotard, is honestly an affront to the spooky spirit of Halloween…..
I would tell the judges I am doing close up magic and ask if if can go down to the judges table to show them. Then, I would tell them that I have the power to make objects fall from the sky. I would then be all like “ok, I can show you if you close your eyes…” Then they would close their eyes and I would slam the golden buzzer, causing gold confetti to rain down and I would proceed to run off the stage.
The human experience is a nuanced and multifaceted thing. At times, we can be compassionate, contrary, spiteful, loving, introspective, thoughtful, confounding, and inspiring. But fuck all that when we’re on TV. If we want to delve into someone, let’s ignore their soul and instead learn how their dog has AIDSabetes and needs poop transfusions that can only be secured via winning Chopped. Cue the tears. Yes, salt is necessary for any good dish. Mmm, your anguish is delicious and ratings-invoking. Tell us about the time you skinned your knee in kindergarten, then make a ceviche!
If you don’t watch cooking shows, you may be entirely unaware that they’re 50 percent cooking and 50 percent human tragedy. Everyone has a story on cooking shows. Everyone’s mom had a leg eaten by a Yeti, or their house was stolen by squatters, or they woke up one day with their face on backwards. You’d think that becoming a cook could only be born from some manner of low-level calamity. Taquitos were invented by a man who was actively in the process of being set on fire by his own estranged father. Oatmeal was actually invented by a Scotsman while he was inside a bear. Food is life is pain.
Taking criticism with a nod and a degree of self-reflection is for shit that happens in Margaret Atwood novels. We demand emotional breakdowns and half-assed tantrums! If I have to endure watching someone cook eggplant, it better end with them tearing the hair from their scalp and running full bore into traffic while screaming or else what’s the point? This same approach is reflected ten fold on America’s Got Talent where it seems like your best chance for impressing Howie Mandel is to show up with one hand holding in your exposed entrails after being gored by a bull.