Dear Lois, Fuck You, Love Cat: Part 4
It continues. The aftermath of their weekend together in National City.
July 2, 1:02 am
I’m writing this now in case we wake up in the morning and it all goes out of my head or else one of us finds a way to ruin everything, which I’d give fifty-fifty odds.
I’m sitting here on my laptop in the dark, looking at you while you sleep, outlined with the gold of the streetlamps, and I want to remember it. Just in case this is all I get.
This was a long day full of strange moments and I’m so exhausted I can’t believe I’m still awake but I feel like if I don’t get some of this out, it’s going to rattle around in my head till the sun comes up.
I’ve never been with someone where it started off so wrong and ended up so right, or where it started off so rough and ended up so tender. We started with preconceived ideas of what we were supposed to give each other (setting expectations??) and ended understanding what we actually needed, but we had to let go of everything first. I never took much time before this to consider the distinction between what’s fun to fantasize about versus what I might actually want. So strange how sometimes they’re not the same thing at all.
So, all those things we said to each other about doing it up against a wall and tearing each other’s clothes off? God, they were hot. But having you, actual you, there and breathing and real in front of me, I was surprised to find I didn’t want those things. And it seems neither did you. I’m glad we pushed through the head-butting and the awkwardness, and stopped trying to prove something, because what we found on the other side was worth it. I would trade every minute of those hot, rough fantasies for you the way you were tonight, giving me soft looks, holding my hand while you did those sweet, delicious, gentle things to me. And the way you whispered my name when you were coming, and you called me “Lo,” …even if it was just for those few moments, you felt open and honest.
I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to jinx it.
All I know is it was worth the seven hour trip.
But so far, the best part of this trip hasn’t even been the sex. It was the minute you opened the door and I saw you and realized exactly how much I’d missed your stupid face.
Show me everything, Cat. Show me National City. Show me you. Send me home with a hundred more memories like today. Yeah, I’m greedy and I don’t care. I want more, if you’re at all interested in giving it.