ambulences

every poem is a suicide attempt

someone asked
why do you write so much?
how can you write so much?

Poetry is the reason
I want to keep breathing
&
Poetry is the reason
I want to fucking quit

everytime I write
it’s because
my pen is closer
than the gun
than the blade
than the live oak

this isn’t a hobby
this isn’t something I jerk off to
like words are something fun
for me to do

I’m dying in every
single
line
that’s a metaphor
&
it isn’t

I chain smoke
I close my eyes
for yellow lights
I hear hidden fireworks
I pray it’s a stray bullet
that finds me

every poem is five clicks
from a revolver
waiting for six

every poem is a whetstone
kissing a dull blade
begging to swim in rivers

every poem is a redline shift
unbuckled seatbelt floorboard
pinged song I can’t sing

everytime you see
some new lines

I’m trying to kill
whatever wants
to
kill
me

 One thing I hate about being chronically ill is that I have problems judging whether other illnesses are the Right Kind™ of sick to go to the hospital or if I’m just being over-dramatic.