Update (So I’ve done something extreme)
I know it’s a lot of ask for, because you’ve all always been there for me and I’ve always asked for your support. But I’ll have to ask again. My life has and was still going down a path I didn’t want to go down and I’ve let it get so out of hand until I just…I just snapped. Now, I’ve really really got no place to live, no money for food or anything. But I’ve got a direction I know I want to go.
First off, thank you to @curlysword @legitimateluffy @cyriusli @roomshxmbles @firecatkitten @sosolawlu @madame-austere @welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen @theveryhungrycatahitler @insatiable-curiosity85 @dragon-shade-lamp-posts @demonkidd-asura @malfunctioningkitten @ryuichicentric @auspizien and many more wonderful users for being here for me to talk to off and on. I am so sorry I haven’t been around lately because of my situation. It’s made me very sad to not be able to interact and be online like I used to be.
So I’m still alive, barely. Yesterday I had my work orientation at the hotel my parents were forcing me to work at. And I went through the day, holding it together pretty well. I was shown how the banquet works, how the system is supposed to log me in and out and how everything I do has to be signed for and documented.
From buying a muffin to drinking coffee I would have to count every single second of every single thing I do at the office. My job was supposed to be Sales for Events. I had to close my triple earring piercing I got (just like Zoro’s), and I would have had to dye my hair black. I would be stuffed into a pencil skirt and look just like everyone else and talks just like everyone else and kiss ass to big-named corporate clients to convince them to have their events at the hotel.
I would have had to wear three inch heels from 7am to 6pm (minimum, sometimes these girls go home at 10 or more), until my toes cried every, damn, day, Monday to SATURDAY. Saturday. Those don’t count as overtime people. I get one day off a week.
I would have gone home, exhausted, stressed, confused and completely and utterly miserable with my life. I knew this. I knew I would hate this. I knew I would hate a corporate outfit. I knew I didn’t want to be stuck in a pencil skirt and made to look and act like some mindless, faceless drone.
And yet my parents wouldn’t listen. I already told them I would hate it. I went in to work, saw what was going to happen to me. Saw how they were dumping all the previous girl’s (she quit because she couldn’t take how they were treating her anymore, I went snooping and saw how she was getting penalties and timecards asking why she was even ONE MINUTE late to signing in to work and having tog ive reasons why she shouldn’t be penalized) stuff on me because nobody else would take it.
I never wanted that kidn of life where I could only think back and dream about how I used to draw, used to hang out with my art friends, used to chat, used to run for advertising deadlines and deal with clients who have no idea what they want and what I’m doing. I’d prefer that.
I’d prefer sleeping on someone else’s couch and wondering where my next meal is going to come than live in 3 inch heels and a pencil skirt, kissing up to people I don’t even know or care about to meet an impossibly high quota.
I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to even try. I know where I wanted to try my luck. I wanted to try advertising, I wanted to try concept art, I wanted to cry over why my designs weren’t good enough yet instead of cry over wondering how the fuck I became a pencil-pusher who was only earning 780 usd for going through this miserable bullshit. I’d rather work at a convenience store and take shifts and ride the bus and have an erratic schedule.
So I snapped. I came home. In the middle of opening my packages to dye my hair black I had a meltdown. I cried. I wailed, even. I didn’t want this and I don’t want this still and I will never want this experience ever in my life.
My dad kept insisting ‘just try it for 2 months and then look for another job?’ 2 months?! Does he really believe that I was going to be able to look for something else while waking up at 6 every morning and going home past ten every night MONDAY TO SATURDAY? This job was a TRAP. This job was so that I didn’t have time to do or work or think about anything else but this damn job. No. I’m not even going to try. This was a trap and I just know it was my mother’s idea. She’d even called the house before to ask people to make sure I wasn’t drawing. (Like wtf, woman?)
This may sound like a coward’s way out, but I know a trap when I see one. I know myself well enough to know that I was going to be miserable there and I was going to be cornered into not being able to leave unless I outright just walked out and quit like the last girl and just become unemployed again. So I might as well stay unemployed.
There were a lot of things that happened that led up to this meltdown but this post is long enough as it is. The gist of it is that I’m so, so, SO DAMN TIRED of my parents guilt-tripping me and calling me ungrateful just to force me to do something I don’t want to do. I have never EVER gotten any moral support or positive reinforcement from them my entire life and I had had ENOUGH.
I didn’t report in to work today. Last night, while I was wailing my head off and scaring the shit out of the neighbors I called my mom and screamed at her that I hated her. I messaged my dad and told him I hated him. Extreme and I was wrong to do that and I will apologize, but I don’t regret it. I’ve been keeping everything I want and everything I wanted to do and be inside me for so long they even managed to wedge me into a corporate outfit that wasn’t even remotely close to what I even studied for. They did it so easilly, because they have money and power and friends in high places…
I just want enough to get by in a small apartment, a bed, food, wifi, water, electricity and time to work on my art. That’s all I want and that’s all I ever wanted.
I’ve been kicked out of the house I forced to move into because that’s where my mom puts all the people and things she doesn’t want to look at and think about anymore. (My two aunts and grandma are either too old to work, have cancer or have strokes and fainting fits every once in awhile and they all say she’s just waiting for them to die.) Right now, my uncle is keeping me at his place where I’m typing this and figuring out what to do next.
I’ve planned to work at a call centre in the meantime to tide myself over while I look for a job at an ad agency or an animation company, no matter how small-time. I just don’t want to be in corporate. I was scared to apply before because I thought I wasn’t good enough. That’s how I ended up in this corporate-bullshit situation. Now, I have no choice.
I’ll still be posting art. I’ve got things done and scheduled until the 17th of May and I’m looking to make an even longer buffer this week while I also get my portfolio together. Thank you all so much for being with me. If you like my work, right now, I’d really, really appreciate it if you’d support me on my patreon. I’ve always got things for you guys to enjoy there, so I hope you don’t feel like you’ll be paying for nothing.
I’ve got to go for now. Battery’s dying and I’m at the house alone so I’ll have to figure out how to get my shit together to get started on moving on.
Wish me luck.