alyssa holste

This Is To You

This is to you;
You, the one who broke my heart and then,
Looked down at the pieces on the floor, realizing what you had done
and then picked up the pieces, hands shaking
as you put them back together,
Loosely, I’d like to add,
and then handed it back to me, carefully.
If only I had been as careful letting you go
as you were handing my shattered heart back to me.

I should’ve known then that this was a sign.

This is to you;
You, the girl who calls me at the most inexplicable and irrational times,
asking to see my face and then later on
begging me to sit on yours.
This is to you, you fucked up piece of shit.
You manipulative, conniving bitch.
You Beautiful…blazing…creature.
There’s a reason people like to dance with the devil,
and give Death a kiss,
and also play with fire.
It’s because they’re like me,
And me? I don’t know how to let you go.

And that sucks!
Because I hate you so much that sometimes I want my
hands wrapped around your neck
but it always ends up being my
legs wrapped around your waist
your hands the pressure in the bottom of my spine
and your teeth? ……………………………………………………

How do you do that?
How do you keep me hanging onto the rope tethered
between your heart and mine, when in reality,
we were never knotted together in the first place?
This must be what real life magic is like.
It’s not card tricks, it’s not rabbits popping out of top hats
it’s not a “swish and flick!” it is Manipulation.
It’s the power of illusion.
The mind sees what it chooses to see, and you made it
so I was choosing to see you.

How the fuck did you learn how to do that?
Do you know how many nights you’ve kept me awake,
even  when you’re not here?
It’s gotten to the point where instead of counting sheep
I’ve started counting all the orgasms you used to give me in a single night.
…It’s a lot by the way… case you were wondering.
But what does that matter to you, anyway?
When has anything I ever said mattered to you?
The only way I could get you to pay attention was if I slithered in
between the sheets with you;
showing skin and softly slipping secrets gift-wrapped in similes
and metaphors into your mouth with my tongue pushing
between your teeth and shoving them down your throat.
I’ll admit it was very satisfying to watch you squirm beneath
the breath of my exhaled accents butterflying temptations into your eardrums.
But like every dream that occurs every night; there is an ending.
The sun will rise, and we are separate once again.
But at least you had someone; and somewhere to go when morning came.
Me? I had hickeys; bite marks so deep they scarred and indented themselves
into my flesh and into my mind.
Phantom fingers still dance upon their shadows every once in a while; no matter
how invisible the evidence is today.
What fond memories you left behind, Holford.
And yet the keeper of my memories bluntly refuses to let any of them go.

Talk about irony.

So this is to you;
 You green-eyed monster.
Our vicious cycle will never end.
You may have been the worst decision of my life,
but you will always be my favorite fatal flaw;
The shark that swam too close to shore and got away
with a chunk of my beating heart thumping and pumping between
five rows of two hundred and thirty teeth;

Two hundred and thirty reasons to never forget you and
to never let you go…

Not completely at least;
everybody’s got their shadows.

[Spoken-word styled piece by me]

Just ordered my own Revel & Riot and Fun & Gays t-shirts

Inspired by Tegan and Sara; some of the most inspiring people I can even imagine. I don’t have to meet them to know the good they have done for the LGBTQ communities around the globe. You two are amazing, and I hope someday I get to meet you face to face to tell you this in person.

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