I think we all like to believe in second chances; in notions of timing; that nothing is ever impossible. That if only we did this or we did that, things would finally fall into place. We cling onto hope with no foundations. We reach for familiarity; because clinging to the cliff edge is better than falling into the abyss.
But some things are impossible. Some things just don’t work. Are toxic. Are wrong. Some people don’t bring out the best in you. Sometimes love becomes an excuse. Sometimes love becomes synonymous with fear of being alone. Sometimes love becomes nothing at all.
You once said that a step towards recovery means I’ll need to break myself into pieces, darling I’ve been trying to put my heart back together. I like to step on myself sometimes, I don’t take compliments well because I don’t think too highly of myself. When you step on the same lego piece everyday even your ego starts to melt a little. You once said that if I find someone to hold my thoughts before I hold their heart– then maybe she’s the one. Or maybe there’s no one out there, who knows, right? We can circle around this a little longer than always, but I’ll always run back to the why. Why do I want to conquer my memories? Each city that I’ve built for them inside of my head is still bright and I’ve not let a single light bulb blow out, I’m so out of it– while thoughtlessly I’ve been reaching out of my head, my heart likes to beat me to it. It says that love can only be achieved if I chase after it. You once said that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Do you still believe in those words? Because if I’m not cruel to myself, I could be cruel to someone else. If I read enough books, do you think I’d finally own a chapter in my own life? If I open up some more, will I close off opportunities for myself to the prospect of loving myself? And what about them? Vanity is my master and I’m a slave. It’s okay to be a little vain sometimes, right? I’ve got it in my veins, maybe I’m the only honest one. You once said that if I trip over the same rock and stub my toe a million times within a week, you’d still say it’s okay. Like falling requires gravity to bend to my whispers. Like drowning demands my lies to swim back to shore. Like dying seeps through my eyes, how can I love if all I’ve got is missing pieces? You once said that a river flows like time and if I’m out of seconds– you’ll just record your voice saying I love you until I finally get it. I remember everything that love has to offer, but never the person. I remember the feeling of infection that is affection. And if I walk alone and get hit by a car, maybe it’s just another story that I won’t write. Some words live in between the lines, I’ve been seeing dualities. Life and death is just a kiss and hug. Black and white, storms and clouds are just pears and apples. Poetry and prose likes to sound sweet, but it’s the bitter bits of me that’s suicidal. Love and hate was born from strangers, so you never knew the difference between the moon and the sun– the lightness of tomorrow likes to coat the darkness of past days. Cigarettes and lung cancer, a dance of smoke that disguises itself as stress free, do you think I’ll die healthy? Drugs and my body, which one will make me feel better if I’ve been sweating for a week? You once said that we’re spinning around in a circle just waiting for someone to stop by– grab my attention and you can have my voice, steal from my hands and you can have my poems, which hurts more to have loved or to not have loved at all? An empty silence that’s so full of itself– I can’t hear myself think inside of my own head. I’ve got file cabinets tagged under read later, but I’m a sucker for love– so I feed into it. You once said if the sky breaks into a brighter day, you’ll be there. That is wishful thinking, my favorite kind. Words can’t give meaning to our story, but we still write. You once said that it has to mean something. Every statement paused long enough for several lifetimes to become real again. It feels like such a long time, but we’re still in love with them in there somewhere. It’s buried. It’s in a coffin, but it’s there and we know it. We can hear it. We can hear it. Fuck, we can hear it. That little beating that isn’t ours, it’s always theirs. And that’s my fear, you once said that maybe that’s my fate– I’m supposed to cling onto that strand of innocence, of who I used to be, to remember what it feels like to feel, it has to mean something. Giving meaning to nothing, my favorite pastime. Giving something to someone, the only way that I’ve been living. You once said that until I learn to keep more for myself, I’ll always end up in square one– alone, but as long as I’ve got you, it’s not true, right? Some thoughts like to sleep alone, that’s not one of them. Hold onto that piece of us, the poetic storm that is joy. Keep your kindness to a burn, a stretched out sunrise screaming your name is my simmer. I know about nothing and that’s my one redeeming quality. I know that I don’t know shit, and that’s why I write like this. I know that I don’t love like I used to, and that’s why I love like this. I know that I’m not the same person from last year, and that’s why my guilt likes to trip up. I know that I’m no longer in love with her, but I can’t seem to explain the empty feeling unless I spell her name backwards under a star somewhere that I can’t touch. I know that I’m still messed up, but I’m just taking advantage of my youth. You once said some people will get over you in a week, but it’ll take you a lifetime to get over someone. If forever is a drug then I’ve overdosed. If always is a lie then I’ll take the beautiful. If never is more and a secret is sore– then I’m sorry about the words that didn’t stop, I am trying. I am always trying. You once said that if we kiss the ocean long enough, the mountains will answer. I’ve buried my love letters on the highest mountain and emptied my heart into my art. If I live long enough to spread my wings, do you think I’d still be condemned? Life is too short to live in the past, but I can’t stop asking about my what ifs. Love is too long to just be over, but I’ll just keep painting over it with a new layer of red. If you’re still reading, then I’m still writing. This yin and yang battle of ours has no meaning. Tortured souls live in the canvas and I’ve seen enough chains– I shall be unbound someday. You once said I love you– darling, that’s the only fucking truth that I believe in. You once said that soulmates aren’t always lovers– I guess it’s just you. You once said that flowers don’t just bloom, they wilt– so I guess I’m just withered. You once said that if you had your way, I’d own the universe. You don’t get it. When you became my best friend, I got it.
AN: Believe me I know I haven’t posted in the longest time. It’s my final year of school and I just finished exams a week ago and I’ve been busy but i’m back :) I couldn’t not post when Spider-man homecoming is being released this week which i’m super excited for by the way I can’t contain my excitement I went out and brought a thwip! shirt i’m that excited for this movie. You can read part two , three , four and five here
The web slinging crime fighting hero had been occupying most of your thoughts recently, ever since you came to the conclusion that he attended your high school. Your were convinced New York’s newest hero walked the same crowded halls you did every day since the time you saw Spider-man crawling out of an empty classroom window wearing a backpack and holding a math textbook in his hand. After that encounter your stubborn and determined attitude had to know the truth about the hero’s real identity and it was still eating away at you to this day. You’d always wanted to be a detective when you grew up and it was easy to see why as you weren’t ever happy unless you had all the answers. And recently the question “Who is Spider-man?” was swirling around in your mind.
“What makes you so sure he even goes here Y/N?” Your best friend Liz Allan questioned from beside you on the bench. Her words distracted you from your deep analysis of the class in front of you doing PE, your eyes searching the room for someone that could possibly be the masked vigilante. Turning towards your friend you slumped back in your seat already feeling bored of this free period. “I have proof, believe me Liz. I just can’t figure out exactly who it is yet.”
The dark haired girl seemed lost in her thoughts as she placed her chin in the palm of her hand, a small lovestruck smile gracing her lips. “Spider-man would have to be dark and mysterious…and incredibly handsome.” Rolling your eyes at Liz romanticising the super hero you playfully nudged her shoulder to snap her out of her thoughts. "Whoa someones got the hots for Spider-man.“ You playfully teased as a deep red coated your friends cheeks in embarrassment. It seems someone else was listening to your conversation as you notice your classmate Peter Parker look over at you and Liz with wide eyes, looking like he just paused mid sit up at the words that just left your mouth. However when he catches your gaze on him he abruptly goes back to what he was doing.
His actions left you confused, mostly to how the boy even heard what you were saying when he was on the other side of the room and as to why he would react in such a way. "Strange…” You muttered out as you focused your attention on the boy for a minute until you were rudely interrupted by your friend snapping her fingers in front of your face. “Hello? Are you even listening to me?"
Shaking your head from your thoughts you turned your attention back to Liz. "Oh sorry what?” Letting out a sigh in annoyance at her friend, Liz crossed her arms in front of her showing her irritation. "I was saying I don’t have a crush on Spider-man.“ A snort accidentally escaped you at her blatant lies, she should know you can’t lie about such things to your best friend because they always know the truth. "Liz he saved you from dying one day and ever since you get all flustered when his name is brought up in conversation. Who are you trying to fool here? Come on i’m your best friend I notice everything."
She appeared at a loss for words as she stared back at you, mouth slightly agape."Flash asked me to homecoming.” Her words were rushed out forcefully as she tried to change the subject from her feelings towards Spider-man. “Okay first off stop changing the subject and secondly please tell me you declined.” A groan passed your lips as she nervously looked away from you, already giving you the answer. You had the urge to pull out your hair in frustration at the situation, there was no one you despised more than Flash Thompson. “Seriously Liz?!"
"I didn’t know how to reject him. I felt bad.” Her bottom lip stuck out expressing her unhappiness with the situation. You gently grabbed your friends hands in your own, your motherly instincts coming out as you were 97 days older than her and you would never let her forget it. "Sweetie you do not owe that guy anything.“ A sigh escaped her as she leaned into your shoulder for comfort. "I know I just…can we just not talk about it."
A thought popped into your mind as she uttered those words causing another groan to leave your mouth. "Well who am I supposed to go with now?! We were gonna go together remember, since I’m forever single and all that.” You felt her mumble an apology into your shoulder but you didn’t need one, you’d already forgiven her. An idea popped into Liz’s head as she pulled apart from you all of a sudden. “Hey, if you found out Spider-man’s true identity then maybe you could go with him?” She spoke excitedly trying to make you feel better about the situation. But it failed to work as you doubt you’d find out who he really was in time for the dance, let alone the fact that a guy would never ask you to the dance.
“Looks like i’m going with me, myself and I."
Later that day you were planning to go to the library to study but didn’t make it far as someone sprinted around a corner and rushed straight into you. Immediately losing your balance you began to fall backwards, but before you could hit the ground you felt a pair of strong arms encircle your waist. Looking up your eyes met with those of Peter Parker.
How did he catch you so fast? You never pictured Parker having such fast reflexes, they were almost unnatural. And his eyes are so much darker up close-
“Are you okay Y/N?” The sound of his voice breaks you out of your trance as you stand back up properly, feeling a blush forming on your cheeks which was surprising to you. Not once had a boy made you feel that way; fictional characters didn’t count. “I’m okay but uh thank you for catching me and all that Peter. So…where are you off to in a hurry?”
The boy seemed unprepared for the question as he fumbled over his words and providing a lame and non believable excuse. “Oh just uh-a thing."
You couldn’t help the giggle that left your body at his words. "Sounds important.” Giggling? Since when did you giggle at a boy?! What on earth was going on with you right now.
Clearing his throat a little Peter appeared nervous at his next question. “Yeah, hey you’re best friends with Liz right?“ And there it was, the line that you’d been asked by countless boys already today and every day since the homecoming was announced. But for some reason when Peter asked the same question it caused your heart to drop a little and your throat to close up momentarily; you weren’t sure as to why you were feeling this way. Pushing away those feelings you put on a brave face and nodded in response. Oh god here it comes. He definitely wasn’t the first guy to ask her the same question today.
"Do you…do you know if she has a date yet to homecoming?” Thinking back to Liz’s confession earlier that day your felt almost guilty that you had to crush this boys hopes of going with your friend. "I’m…i’m really sorry Peter. Tragically she’s going with Flash.“ His face noticeably dropped at this information and he switched his gaze down to his shoes trying to hide his emotions from you. "Oh. Well I gotta go, but it was nice talking to you Y/N."
As she started running down the hallway again a sudden thought entered your mind. Peter was always running away and skipping classes this past year and it was strange to say the least. What could he possibly be doing that causes him to be absent half the time unless…
"Parker wait!” He halted his movements at the sound of your voice and you quickly caught up to him with interrogation on your mind. Reaching for his arm you held onto it to keep him from running away from your questions, trying to ignore the strange feeling you got from touching him. “Where do you go every day Peter?"
That one question made the boy visibly gulp, obviously he was trying to hide something and didn’t want anyone finding out. Your eyebrows furrowed as you observed the boys behaviour and another thought entered your mind. "And come to think of it, you’ve been acting awfully strange ever since that school trip to Oscorp last year.” At those words he became even more nervous as he broke away from your grip and began running away from your questions.
“I really gotta go. I’ll see you around Y/N."
You watched as his body disappeared around the corner, could Peter possibly be the guy you’ve been looking for? It would make sense since he’s always running off and coming back with cuts and bruises, not to mention the new discovery of his advanced reflexes. And earlier today when he somehow heard what I said, it all makes sense now. "Holy shit, I think I found him."
And then, I guess, after awhile I realized, like, I was just smitten…like head over heels. And – and I feel like the reason I’ve been so hard on Nan is, honestly, I’m just – I’m just scared because it’s so vulnerable to love somebody this much – like, to know that no matter what they do or – or how mad you get at them, that you’ll always come running back to them. Like, I literally can’t quit her.
*scoffing* Boyfriend? I don't want to be Misaki's boyfriend!
*cleaning a glass in the bar* Well, what do you want then?
*slumps down and hits head on bar* I don't know. I just want to be with him. All the time. I want to hear about his day and tell him about mine. I want to hold his hand and smell his hair. But I don't want to be his stupid boyfriend. Because Misaki is stupid. And HOMRA is stupid. And you're stupid. And Captain is stupid. You know who else is stupid? Everyone. Everyone is stupid. Stupid Misaki won't even look at me. And another thing-
Summary: Bucky and Y/N have been fairly successful at keeping their relationship hidden from the rest of the Avengers. That is… until Nat walks into the kitchen one night and finds Bucky kissing Y/N. While Y/N is relieved that their relationship is out in the open it soon becomes more complicated than she could have ever imagined.
Author’s Notes: Ugh. The feels! Also - Bar Harbor is a real town in Maine that I am obsessed with/want to visit terribly! Thanks to the lovely @melconnor2007 for the request.
Tags are at the bottom. Please let me know if you would like to be tagged/removed. Hopefully I didn’t miss anyone!
Waking up so early ended up being an advantage for me. It
usually took over eight hours for me to get from New York City to Bar Harbor.
It was a cozy coastal town that I had always found magical with its whimsical
shops and beautiful scenery. My family spent most of our summer vacations in
the little town when I was younger. During times of distress I somehow always
came running back. The cottage itself was small, plain, and old, but to me it
had always been perfect. It was nestled on the outskirts of town overlooking
the ocean. It was home, and I felt the relief of my sudden return as I pulled
onto the beaten gravel driveway.
As I gathered my things from the car I reached out to grab
my phone. I had forgotten to turn it off or maybe I had left it on
intentionally… I really didn’t know. I looked at the screen – no messages. Part
of me felt slightly disappointed, but I highly doubted Tony had had the chance
to rat me out since Steve and Bucky were most likely still on their mission. I
sighed sadly as I pressed the power button until the screen went blank. If I
was going to figure this out without any interference, I needed it off. There
was of course the alternative – that I had already figured everything out on
the journey here and that maybe I needed to walk away from it all. The thought
made my heart sink. No – I wouldn’t go there yet. First I needed rest and
copious amounts of alcohol.
I made my way up the uneven path to the house as I lugged
all of my bags with me. I struggled with the lock on the door – swearing under
my breath as I jiggled my key until I was finally able to open the door. I
dropped my bags at the door and stretched wearily. I wasn’t worried about
anything other than getting a drink and sleeping. The long drive had left me
stiff and exhausted. I was worried that the main source of my exhaustion was the
creeping sadness that I was trying to keep at bay. I knew I needed to think
about what had happened the night before and what I had discovered this
morning, but it was too new – too raw for me to process rationally. I ran my
hand down my face as I wearily stumbled into the small kitchen. I opened the
cabinet where my dad had kept his collection of odd coffee mugs from our
various trips and reached towards the back – sighing with relief as I procured
the bottle of whiskey that I had hidden for myself. I took the bottle with me
as I made my way to one of the tiny bedrooms on the other side of the cottage.
Luckily – since I paid for someone to maintain the cottage while I was away –
it looked just as I had left it before joining the Avengers. I plopped myself
onto the bed and snuggled my way under the blankets before unscrewing the cap
of the bottle and taking a swig.
I was finding it impossible to not think about Bucky, and
the night before. The feeling of his lips against my skin. How he laughed
breathlessly as he teased me relentlessly. The way he had looked at me… like he
had never wanted something so much in his life. The way he told me I was
beautiful – the words dripping with admiration. I sighed to myself before
taking several more swigs from the bottle. Of course all of these memories were
tinged with self-doubt and a feeling of betrayal because of Nat’s revelation.
Had he said the same things to her? Had he looked at her the same way? Did he
still feel something for her – was that why he hadn’t been overly keen on being
open about us with the others? Each thought called for a few more drinks. The
stinging sensation of the alcohol as it made its way down my throat was much
more preferable than the heartache I was currently feeling. I kept drinking
until I drifted to sleep. Unfortunately, my mind seemed set on not letting me
have a moment’s reprieve from my self-imposed misery.
My dream seemed to be
a video montage of Bucky and I’s greatest hits. While the memories swirled into
a blur the dream centered around the first time Bucky and I had spent the night
alone together in Stark tower. It had been a month since Bucky had kissed me
for the first time, and I was ecstatic to have time alone with him without the
threat of someone accidentally interrupting. Bucky seemed to be absolutely
bursting with nervous energy as the others prepared to leave for a weekend
mission. Steve had been the first to notice after Bucky had accidentally
tripped on a rug, as he was pacing in the common room, causing a slew of
profanity to spill from his mouth while I tried to muffle my laughter.
“You…eh…you okay there,
Buck? You seem nervous…” Steve had asked uneasily.
“No… no I am fine.
Don’t worry about it, Steve,” Bucky was just a little too adamant with his
response which made Steve chuckle under his breath.
“Suit yourself,” Steve
replied. “We’ll see you guys next week,” he called as the others entered the
elevator. Tony was still demanding that we didn’t trash the place in his
absence as the elevator doors closed.
exclaimed as he threw his hands up in the air dramatically.
“Are you… are you
okay?” I asked through giggles. He answered my question with his famous
lopsided grin. The one that made me feel like I could have my way with him then
and there – consequences be damned. “What’s gotten into you?” His behavior
wasn’t very Bucky-like.
“Never mind that! You
stay in here… you are banned from the kitchen until further notice. Promise you
won’t come in?” he asked sincerely.
I chuckled at this
remark. “Um Bucky… I’m pretty sure Tony banned me from the kitchen after the
first meal I attempted to make for everyone,” I grinned at him sheepishly as I
remembered the whole cooking fiasco. In my defense I had told them I was a
Bucky laughed at that.
“Okay… Just wait out here and I will come and get you in a little while…
promise?” he asked sweetly.
“Cross my heart,” I
smiled back. He left the room beaming as I turned my attention back to my book.
A few hours passed –
Bucky would occasionally pop out of the kitchen to see what I was doing and
then eventually make his was back to continue his secret operations. Finally,
he came out of the kitchen with a giant grin plastered on his face. I smiled
back at him – his smiles were always contagious.
“If you will follow
me, please,” he said formally as he offered his arm to me. I giggled at him and
stood up from the couch, hooking my arm in his. As we entered the dining room I
gasped. Bucky had prepared an entire meal – homemade fettuccine, breadsticks
made from scratch, and a fresh salad all covered the table. He seated me at the
table and poured both of us a glass of wine. I smiled at him sweetly as he
handed me mine, before taking his place across the table from me.
“So he cooks?” I
raised an eyebrow playfully as I brought the glass to my lips.
He chuckled. “Doll,
there are a lot of things you don’t know about me. I just wanted to do
something for you. It’s the first time we’ve been able to just walk around this
tower and act the way we actually want to…. And do whatever it is that we’re
thinking,” he grinned slyly at me as he paused.
“What is it that
you’re actually thinking?” I asked coyly.
“Of doing this,” he
whispered as he leaned over the table to kiss me. It was sweet but urgent, and
he pulled away too soon. “Consider this our first official date,” he added as
he winked at me playfully.
I couldn’t help but
smile. It was one the kindest things anyone had done for me in a very long
time. “Bucky…. Thank you,” I whispered shyly across the table.
“Well don’t thank me
until after you’ve tried it,” he laughed.
I woke up with a start. For a moment I was happy, but the
moment gave way to bitterness as my brain reasoned with itself – it had just
been a dream. A flashback to happier days. That night had been the first night
that Bucky had told me I was beautiful. It was also the first night that he
truly began to open up to me about his struggles with his past. Ever since then
we had harbored a deeper connection between each other. Tears fell bitterly
from my eyes as the bed shifted from the weight of someone else laying beside
I turned over slowly and let out a sigh of relief. “Thank
you for coming,” I whispered before falling to pieces.
It’s quite beautiful, I think fans are really going to love it. I think the title says it all. We’ve established, I think, from Season 1 that Iris is very much Barry’s home and he’ll always kind of run back to her for this sense of safety and solidarity in his life.