always last

Derp

Backstory: I, a druid, snuck into the roof of a secret passage By changing into a spider, to get into the town hall to find the cult that has taken over.

DM: It’s hard to find your way, roll to see if you get lost.

Me: Natural 1

DM: You are lost and fall into the oil of the flame trap.

With some help from telepathy and actually looking, I make my way out and find myself in front of the passage with a lever puzzle to try and open it without flaming myself to death. However our wizard casts dimension door and comes to my side so they can cast knock to open it without the puzzle.

Down the road a little we are facing an undead witch, and smells the oil on me, and comes and trys to set the oil in my nose on fire.

Me: Oh god I’m gonna di- HOLD ON A SECOND

DM: What?

Me: IM A TIEFLING I HAVE RESISTANCE TO FIRE.

Our friend with the book checks

Friend: Yep you have fire resistance.

DM: ….yknow what, I’m gonna let you do something cool. You inhale the fire and snort it back out at her.

Me: I FORGOT I WAS A TIEFLING.

2

my daily to-do lists are shorter this summer because i’m working full time, so i’m experimenting with spreads a little. last week’s was “3 things i’m proud i accomplished each day.”

Context: I’m a new DM playing with a small group of veteran D&Ders (consisting of a high-elf Ranger, a Dragonborn warrior and literal cat? cleric), and they suggested that we do a small series of one-offs to get me used to being a DM. We’re in our third one, which is based off the C'thulhu mythos, and they’re about to face off with Nyarlathotep when this happens.

Me: Okay, you find your way to Nyarlathotep’s chapel and as you enter, you hear his voice in your head saying, “Ah, my sacrifices have arrived.”

Ranger: What does he look like?

Me: Knowledge check that.

Ranger: *rolls an 18*

Me: You remember he is described as a tall, swarthy, sinister man, looking as if he had just walked out of Egypt. Dark skin, dark eyes, well built; he looks like a Pharaoh that walked straight out of the past.

Warrior: I roll to seduce!

Me: Excuse me?

Warrior: I roll to seduce the handsome Egyptian-Eldritch god.

Me: … I don’t even know why I’m allowing this but okay.

Warrior: *rolls a nat20*

I’m just staring in disbelief at this point, and everyone else is laughing.

Me: Okay, fine. Nyarlethotep pauses and considers, then grabs you and stuffs a tentacle down your throat and into your stomach, placing something, probably an egg of some sort, there before tossing you back down. Congratulations, you are now pregnant with the Dunwich horror. In about a month, it’ll eat through your stomach and probably you before bringing chaos upon the world.

Now its his turn to stare, and I’m just like, “What?”

Cleric(OOC): Wait, what? His character’s a dude!

Me: The forces of chaos care nothing about your insignificant human gender binary.

Was watching the camp camp finale on YouTube when I came across this comment and now I’m 1000% even more sad