Quick sketch of myself as a weapon meister/kishin/witch hybrid from one of Silent’s Soul Eater fanfics in progress (she writes, I do sketches for characters) I know it probably sucks and I almost always hate my own drawings (especially of people), but I’m actually pretty happy with how this one turned out :3
This is my second follow forever and since I now have over 1,500 followers I thought its time to make a new one for you lovelies. Any links in bold text are people im friends with/ their blogs are good quality/ I admire them.
Also, sorry if I forgot any blogs or didnt mention one of your side blogs im following or something. I really didnt mean to forget any blogs Im following and truly am sorry if I did. (Also, pleas dont be offended by anything because I love you all and your blogs equally and wish I could follow more of you) Well here is my follow forever, enjoy!!
From AlternativeExistence - An Important Message to My Followers
I really meant to post this a few days ago but I’ve been working all weekend, and haven’t really had the free time to sit down and compose everything I’m about to say. Honestly, I’m still not quite sure what to say or how to say it, but I know I need to, so here goes.
Any of you who follow me can get a slight sense of the kind of person I am. Those who know me personally, slightly more so (once I started college, I never really kept close to many high school friends, and I only have a small group of current friends - nothing against anyone, I’m just kind of shy and secluded by nature). Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE making new friends and I promise I’m super nice and kind of cool I guess even though I think I’m a fucking loser - I just suck at human interactions, always have.
Back on topic though - only my dearest friends…okay, really by now just Silent…and I guess anyone who’s known me a really long time…know exactly the type of person I am. I’m 23 - male - the shy, quiet type until I’m cracked open and my psychoses are strewn about the floor for all to see (good AND bad). Sensitive. In touch with my emotions. A head full of ideas and barely any ways to let them out (I have like, zero talents, save for collecting figures, eating junk food, playing pokemon, tumbling, watching anime and basically being a useless piece of garbage…and I guess I’m halfway decent at cosplay and singing).
I’m rambling again, I know, but those of you who don’t really know me personally, I’m just trying to give you a pre-existing sense of who I am. So yeah. I’ve never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Still don’t sometimes. Wasn’t until high school and when I met Silent that I finally started developing my own sense of identity, started being my own person. My life hasn’t always been the easiest. My father passed away from brain cancer when I was 11. Things went downhill fast. Money was tight (still kinda is), relationships suffered, and my OCD, anxiety, and depression started rearing their ugly fucking heads. I started retreating into myself, into my shows and games and music, started becoming one of the ‘weird kids’, started getting pegged as an emo, a loser, a nobody. All the while life’s complexities were beginning to choke me and part of me wanted out. It wasn’t until I met Silent…Jazz…and everything started getting better. That’s not to say it’s some wishy-washy romantic 'love saved my life’ type deal…but she did start giving me reasons to carry on to the next day and the day after, reasons to start making a better future for myself.
Things picked up. I came out of my shell. She loved me for exactly who I was ( and still does <3). That’s when I decided to stop being afraid of what people think…for the most part. I started doing more artsy things, I started dressing more fashionably, I started wearing my fandoms on my sleeve no matter how embarrassing others might be in my place. I was finally happy. I was finally myself. I may not be the typical boy most people around my town might come to expect, but I was perfectly fine with that.
When Jazz introduced us to Tumblr a few years ago, it broadened us even more in every spectrum of life. Art, entertainment, humor, information, friendships, social intricacies, the list goes on. It’s also when Jazz realized she may be pansexual ( attracted to all sexes) and genderfluid (identifies as male, female, both, neither, or any other nonbinary gender at any given time). I’ll admit I was a bit confused at first, but it didn’t change how I felt about them, nor them for me, the dreaded cishet white male. We still love each other and plan on being together forever.
But these past few months got me thinking about a lot of things. Little things. Like how I’m super into wanting to look good. Never wanting to do anything gross or dirty. Never wanting to do super 'manly’ things like play sports or whatever. How I make friends with females WAY easier than with males and how I seem to get along with and identify with them. How during 'what if’ thoughts I sometimes came to the conclusion that yeah, I guess I’d be down with that dude, or watching something and one of my favorite characters would come on and I’d be like 'oh yes, my bae!’, regardless of gender. And then I got to thinking about how many times Jazz and I have had serious conversations about wanting to interact with people of the same sex in intimate situations, or what we’d give to switch genders/bodies for a day. Some nights I’d start thinking to myself, damn, I wish I was a girl sometimes, or damn, boobs would be nice, or damn, I wouldn’t mind doing him. And these are things I’ve kinda always thought for years, but dismissed them as being just random musings. It hasn’t been til 2 months ago that I started…trying things…and finally realized the reasons I kept thinking some girl’s outfit was super cute, or that I really didn’t mean 'no homo’ when I said I’d let that attractive guy do me.
In case it wasn’t starting to become glaringly obvious, I began to realize that I’m not cisgendered or heterosexual after all.
I started trying on girl clothes. Started using makeup and wearing wigs. Started shaving my body. Started walking and talking different, started to really mean it when I said I could be with a guy if I wanted to. And it all feels right to me. That’s not to say there aren’t still times I don’t feel like a guy. Quite the opposite, there’s still many times I feel male. But now I finally feel…justified to myself…to let my more feminine qualities shine through when the situation calls for it. I don’t always feel female…but now I don’t always feel male either. There are even times I feel neither, or both. There are times when I’m fine with having a dick and times when I feel like it shouldn’t be there at all. Times when I love how I look and times when I wish I looked completely different. Times when I felt at peace with what I am and times I thought I’d never be happy. Eventually it all started to piece together for me.
Go figure, I ended up being exactly what Jazz is:
Pansexual and genderfluid.
So there. I finally said it. I’m officially no longer straight. At least not on Tumblr. This is the only place I’m coming out to for now. I wish with all my heart I could come out everywhere else but…I just can’t. Not yet anyway. I don’t know how my workplace would handle it, and I’m still all kinda new to this and these feelings. And my family? Christ, my family barely comprehends my OCD, how would I even BEGIN to throw supposedly foreign ideas of gender and sexuality into the mix? I mean, my mom is fantastic ( and I should really let her know that more often) and she loves me and my sister to death, and I know for a fact that that she would most likely accept and love me for what I was no matter what…but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still terrified to say anything. Not to mention Coming Out Day is the same day as my dad’s death, and I didn’t want to add to that either I guess…I know I’ll come out everywhere else eventually, just not right now. Not yet anyway. I just need to at least come out somewhere, have some place where I don’t feel the need to hide what I’m becoming. What better place than here?
Now some of you may be offended by all of this. Some of you may unfollow me. Some of you may claim I’m only doing this to copy Jazz or some bullshit like that. Some of you may not know how to view me anymore. And some of you just might not even care. But guess what?
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
Life’s too fucking short - and while I may still recently be in the throes of discovering who/what I am gender wise/sexually, and while I may be going my own slow pace at outing myself, at least I’m headed somewhere, and I’m slowly but surely getting over my fears of being 100% me, in and out. So to those of you wanting nothing else to do with me after this, if that’s how you feel, you should’ve never followed me in the first place.
To those who do still plan on sticking around after all of this, thank you. It means the world to me. Whether we really talk or not, it’s a small show of support in my eyes, and that’s all I’d ask of anyone. I’ve been shaking with fear and anticipation just typing up all of this alone. Knowing that there are people out there who support others in these situations are what reassures me that there’s still hope for this world.
And to the few IRL friends I have on here (you all know who you are), I truly hope all of this doesn’t change your opinion of me and that we can still hang out and be friends and have good times together, as sappy as that all sounds.
Well, there you have it. I’m out (on Tumblr for now). I, Eric, am proud to say that I am pansexual and genderfluid. I also want to take the time to say to those who stick around that I am totally down to talk whenever, wherever, about anything, provided I’m not at work or something. Like I said earlier, I’m shitty at reaching out to new friends, but I’m always willing to make a new one, and I’d really love to talk to some of you sometime, or answer questions, or just whatever! I love all of you guys for taking the time to stay and follow me, so hit me up whenever if you feel like it!
And Jazz - thank you so much for sticking by me through all of this, and for all these years and those to come. Thank you for being my better half and picking me up when I fall. And thank you for showing me that we all have a choice to be whatever we want or need to be, inside and out. I love you so much.