I wanted to run. I never felt so inferior in my entire life, it was so sufforcating.
My life is a mess, I moved to another city but unable to got decent job and had to run back like a dog, as a saleperson I failed so many time and I might still fail, the insecurities is crawling under my skin, and then I was used and dump like shitload by the company I thought I can finally be together, best of all my best friend betrayed me by choosing the company side. If I do not have alter ego: a comic artist, I probably cant take it, its like my superiority, my identity was falling apart. I was a failure.
So I hided. I ran like a dog with tail between its legs. My friend who had a company actually took me in, on the surface I sound so together but truthfully I always am so afraid that I cant do it, Im gonna fail him, or more like, fail my own expectation of myself.
After the incident one of my friends who is younger than me got accepted to a foreigner company, and she stayed at my appartment for 3 days before the flight. I used to be close to her, but when she was here I felt so ashamed I cant even look at her. I pretended to be so busy, never been home but actually I just stayed at the coffee shop all day. She wanted to help, she asked if I want her to introduce a job for me. Gosh Im older than her, why am I so pathetic?
Been 4 months I rarely speak to the friend who betrayed me, I know its not her fault entirely so I dont blame her but I hesitate to meet her. She actually reached out for me, she wanted to meet me. I dont want to, but our mutual friend said that I should settle it once and for all, whether to still be friend or just quit. Yesterday I saw her. Now I know why I dont want to meet her. Shes still a great friend and honestly want good thing for me. BUT IT WAS SO SUFFORCATING. I WANT TO RUN, I WANT TO STOP, I CAN HEAR ALL THE LAUGHTER INSIDE MY MIND. The more shes good to me the more I feel so ashamed, so inferior. Its like looking at younger version of myself, so carefree and loving, brimming with energy while the me now is so pathetic. I faked most of the meeting trying to be nice and funny, but after that I just want to quit everything.
Then I heard another friend said she will get marry and stay in Poland, with her foreigner husband. I wish her the best, but stated right away I feel so jealous and I dont want to attend the wedding because I dont want to feel so pathetic.
Why am I such a bitch? I hurt these people even though I knew they are good friend and they want best things for me, but my inferiority complex just cant stand it. I thought I wont envy anyone anymore but now? I dont know.
I never feel so pathetic, guilty, stupid, and fail in my entire life, what am I doing here? I cant make money to earn my living with comic, why am I still doing it? I cant do sale well but its the only professional I know, without it I cant earn, but I cant do it well enough. And all these younger version of me was manifested by me on these friends, I can hear them laughing at how pathetic I am. I just pretended to function well but on the inside I want to run away. Im still running away by drawing all these comic so that I dont have to think and earn some respect from stranger. I am so pathetic.
I know Im just talking nonsense here, but I need to pour it out at least to someone. Anyone.