A Portrait of the Alt-Bro as a Young Dumbass

It’s 11AM on the 4th day of Spring Break. He’s reading Steppenwolf at a minimal loft cafe that sells tote bags and leather notebooks and beard lube. He’s dr

yeah this shit’s too real

and this:

I always dream of a pen that would be a syringe. Derrida said that. Just as Foucault once said “You know, I thought I’d be hungrier since I had such a small breakfast but it’s 2pm now and I feel fine.” The two thoughts seem unrelated, but those things we presume separate occupy an imperceptibly similar space, not the same but not un-same, wearing their difference as a shared identity. This identity-as-difference is shifting, soft, like a woman’s body after cunnilingus. Like the word a priori. I’ve had sex before.

I woke up hungover again. I felt I should work, but did not know how. A pen is a syringe is a penis. None of them worked, and I thought about them constantly. The weight of the free market pressed upon me; I lit a cigarette and thought of death. I pulled on a robe and felt guilt and shame and something like pride. I read in public for hours, just hours.

To understand a work of art is to fuck it, deeply, making the vulnerable mewling sound reserved for women under 25 you don’t respect but can really be yourself around. To read-fuck a book is a process. “If I read a book it’s because I want to.” I am like Barthes in that way, in many ways. I own five hundred Moleskines.”

Vulnerability is often confused with messiness, emotional immaturity. I know him when I see him, the quintessential serial monogamist fuckboy crying about his fuckboy antics seen through fuckboy lenses, deploying fuckboy logic while stumbling in and out of relationships—“situationships,” perhaps the more accurate portmanteau—built upon the illusion of love, love’s gaussian blur, love as a “thing” that just occurs vs. the real, practiced, requiring-sacrifice love. The kind of love a fuckboy wants. Or says he wants, but cannot open himself up to until he realizes a change within himself must first occur. If You’re Reading This… might be the first instance in which Drake begins to recognize that he is, among other things, a fuckboy. This is perhaps Drake at his most vulnerable, but with the least amount of messiness.


Ask An Alt Bro: Perfume, Sexy - or NAH?

As I’m minding my own business browsing the internet one fine day, I find an article on all the things girls do that they think guys find sexy that guys actually hate. Selfies, duck faces, intense Facebook status updates - okay yeah definitely.. But then I saw “too much perfume” on the list and felt PERSONALLY ATTACKED and VICTIMIZED.

My apartment is full of perfume, my beautiful roommate Devon has turned me to become even more of a perfume addict - she works in fragrance marketing so I mean - DUH. Our male guests are constantly commenting on how fragrant our apartment is - every coat smells like about 75 different scents.

But hold the phone yo - could this actually be hurting us? Naturally I took it to my darling alt bros to let me know wassup! 

Alt Bro #1: I like when a girl smells fresh. I can’t really say what I like specifically, but sometimes this one girl i chill with wears some type of vanilla scent and it makes me want to hook up. If a girl smells as sexy as she looks, chances are that I will want to be my d in her v a s a p. I have never been with a girl who had unbearable perfume.

Alt Bro #2: Like ive said in previous posts, this is another one of those things where you really only notice it in 87% of situations when theyre doing it wrong. if perfume is done right, its understated and erotic.. if its overdone its tacky and a turn off, showcases an obvious lack of self awareness. im not a cologne wearer - so there may be a whole sub culture of our society who loves this shit but personally im not into it.. a mild perfume can be cute, but ive done too much blow to really be able to notice that stuff anymore and usualy by the time you’ve brought a girl home that shit hasnt lasted, so its again one of those things that i think women put alot of stock into that men (big burly alt bros like me) never really notice, so like if youre spending anything over 20-30 bucks on this (like 200-300 bucks for a bottle of perfume woah) then you’re probably over-doing it…

Alt Bro #3: I love perfume. I remember certain women or moments with them from distinct smells. I agree that too much is overboard but im sayin thats gotta be a lotttttta perfume, I assume most of you ladies know what you are doing. I do have certain perfumes i love but i dont know what kind it is or who makes it, so I would have to smell it to let you all know which ones I really enjoy. 

Alt Bro #4: I don’t know any specific perfumes but there are definitely a few scents that I’ll pick up every once in a while that will bring back distinct memories of past girlfriends so I guess it does have some significance on a subconscious level. Much like anything else, I think it’s good in moderation. I like when you notice it if you lean in for a hug or close conversation but when you can smell it across the room it can be a bit much.

So there you have it ladies, I guess don’t douse yourself in perfume!? But it seems like their opinions aren’t so super strong (no pun) on the matter. I asked for favorite perfumes, and none could remember the names (are you surprised?) but below are a few of mine and Devon’s #1 fragrances.

For light, airy, bohemian princess frolicking vibes Balenciaga B, Jo Malone English Pear and Freesia, Chanel Chance, Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream and Daisy are the go-tos. Think of these as “flirting with a bro” or simply “flirting” type feels.

For sexual and intimidating “you will remember me forever” vibes Tom Ford Black Orchid, Tom Ford Noir (actually a men’s cologne), and Diptyque L’ombre Dans L’eau are strong and distinct.

For a board room power move/I’m going on a date with a guy at least seven years older than me vibes, Bottega Veneta Knot is a winner.

For an amazing everyday scent that’s a mix of it all, Balenciaga Paris is top notch.

What are your favorite perfumes? Please comment and let myself and Devon know. I love discovering new scents! And wasting money on things that guys don’t notice at all.