also your score in the game goes down substantially if you turn out to be gay


Okay. So, in this video game (it’s more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book told via screenshots and written by the guys who made Leisure Suit Larry), you, at one point, play as a woman named trying to get a job from a doughy dude named Thresher. You have three options when playing as her; Jane gets the job, Jane doesn’t get the job (doughy guy goes on huge bootstraps rant about entitlement, and he actually calls you a “vulva in a Volvo”) or Jane has to get desperate to get the job. The only way to progress in the game is option #3. The other two result in “game over” screens. I chose the other two first, because…ew, and also because if you hover over option #3, the narration tells you that you have to be 18+ to view said decision and I was pretty creeped out.

Picking #3, however, leads to Thresher saying “I hope you don’t mind being videotaped. Now STRIP.” And Jane stalwartly attempts to go through with it. Halfway in, you have the option to finish doing what it is you’re doing, or say that you can’t go through with it. I immediately chose #2, which resulted in Jane kicking Thresher in the nads, followed immediately by Thresher brandishing a letter opener to chase our heroine outside, demanding sexual favors for job opportunities.

The other hero of the story is the guy in the white shirt and polka-dot tie; you switch to his perspective at this point, and you, as a doofus waiting outside on a motorcycle, have the option of either violently intervening or distracting the boss long enough for Jane to get away. I didn’t understand the narrative differences of the two choices, but the second option had a weird man-hug unfolding as its screencap, so I chose that.

If you choose this option, you step in front of doughy Thresher and just ask him what his deal is. Thresher’s tune changes immediately, as he starts in on how he’s seen a lot of “confused men” like myself, and that he knows how hard life is for us. He then invites us to his office for a “long man-to-man,” resulting in these two screenshots and a game over.

I feel like there’s a cheap joke to be made about homosexuality being a game over for some, but really, I’m still kind of stunned at what I see here.

I think…and I’m just speculating, here…that the porn industry was threatened by digital formats at some point, and thought that FMV and disc-based video games were the the honest future of the medium, and that’s why this game exists at all. (the fact that this game has a nudity cheat code a la Night Trap supports that theory, really.)