also ulquiorra is dead

If Ulquiorra and Batman were locked in a room...

As requested by trunkai. :)

In this crossover edition of my locked in a room series, we are going to imagine what would happen if Ulquiorra found himself locked in a room…with Batman.

Ulquiorra: Who are you?

Batman: I’m…Batman.


Ulquiorra: Why are you talking in that voice?

Batman: What voice?

Ulquiorra: That artificially gravelly voice.

Batman: …this is my voice. It’s not artificial.

Ulquiorra: Are you attempting to hide your identity?

Ulquiorra: You do not need to do that with me.

Ulquiorra: I don’t care. And also I am dead.

Batman: I’m not hiding my identity.

Batman: I am…Batman.


Ulquiorra: Well I can certainly see why we were paired.

Batman: Is it because you look like one of my villains?

Batman: With that weird helmet thing, that ridiculous teardrop makeup, and your artificially porcelain-white skin?

Batman: To say nothing of your sword.

Batman: Who other than comic book villains fight with swords these days?

Ulquiorra: No, I meant because I am also a Bat-Man.


Batman: I’m Batman.

Ulquiorra: I realize that I do not look much like a bat now.

Ulquiorra: But in my release, I have leathery bat wings and fuzzy bat legs and a long tail.

Ulquiorra: …although the tail is probably not something you associate with bats.

Ulquiorra: I just now realized that the tail is weird.

Batman: Wait. If I am following you correctly, this means that you have the ability to turn into a giant bat?

Ulquiorra: Exactly.

Ulquiorra: Hence - bat but also man. Batman.

Batman: I hate bats.

Ulquiorra: You named yourself after something you hate?

Batman: Yes.

Batman: I conquered my fear and made it my own.

Batman: Now I dress and fight in the manner of bats.

Batman: Batman!

Ulquiorra: You do not look much like a bat.

Ulquiorra: In my experience, bats do not wear body armor.

Ulquiorra: Nor do they have horns.

Ulquiorra: Or belts.

Batman: My costume is bat-inspired. It is not supposed to look like an actual bat.

Batman: Anyway, you literally look nothing like a bat right now, so I don’t know why you’re criticizing me.

Ulquiorra: At least we have that in common.

Ulquiorra: Perhaps we have other things in common as well.

Ulquiorra: Are you emo?

Batman: I have been known to be melancholic.

Ulquiorra: Do you live in a giant palace?

Batman: A mansion, yes.

Ulquiorra: Do you have bad luck with women?


Batman: Batman does, sure.

Ulquiorra: You see. We have much in common.

Batman: Do you fight using complicated and cool gadgets?

Ulquiorra: No I mostly use my hand.

Batman: Any old faithful man servants?

Ulquiorra: Ew.

Batman: Dead parents?

Ulquiorra: I do not have any parents to be dead

Batman: Not so similar after all.

Batman: Now I must go.

Batman: I am the night.

Batman: Gotham needs me.

Batman: And my throat is realllly killing me.


Ulquiorra: You are a strange human.

Orihime live tweets Hueco Mundo

As requested by anon. :)

It is now time to take a look at the live tweets that Orihime made while in Hueco Mundo!

–Today I healed a man’s arm. He thanked me. Then used that arm to kill somebody

#I sense that Hueco Mundo isn’t a nice place  #polite yes  #but not nice

–Aizen looks way different w/out his glasses. Weird how different

#maybe there’s something to the Superman / Clark Kent thing after all  

–when i get home i’m buying myself a huge chair

#GIANT CHAIR  #seems fun  #only mine will be soft

–Day 1 in Hueco Mundo. My bat captor has locked me in a room of his castle

#it’s like i’m in Beauty and the Beast  #only with fewer musical numbers 

–How this is not like Beauty & Beast: my furniture is not friendly. It does not sing to me

#i tried talking to it  #but there was no response  #this may not be a magical fun castle

–I can see the moon thru my window. I should enjoy that for as long as I can

#when it sets  #everything will be dark  #but I will not be depressed!

–Edit: the moon doesn’t appear to actually move at all

#so that’s good i guess?  #weird tho

–i have named my moon friend Moony mcMoons-a-lot

#i told Ulqui  #he didn’t laugh  #he must be incapable of mirth

–I will test my ‘Ulqui is incapable of mirth’ theory by telling a joke whenever i see him

–joke telling experiment has run into a hitch. Ulqui doesn’t know how knock knock jokes work

#“knock knock  # "I did knock”  #“no you say who’s there”  #“it will always be me. I have no fracciones”  #“because I am the espada of emptiness”  #ULQUI



–i tried to leave so that my friends would be safe. now they’re here anyway. suddenly i know how rukia felt

#giving her a big hug when i see her  

–Ulqui just came by to give me some new clothes?

#which is good b/c i didn’t pack any  #and this room does not appear to have washing machines  #still  #weird

–um these clothes fit perfectly

#how  #????

–Ulqui is apparently really good at sewing!

#smart  #black hair  #likes sewing  #maybe he and Ishida would get along??

–So plus side: new clothes; Minus side: my friends may be dying

#at least i have moony mc-moons-a-lot

–Ulqui told me that my friends can’t rescue me b/c i’m wearing his clothes. 

#bat logic  #very confusing  #like i don’t think my friends judge me by my clothes???

–Aizen wants to see me!

#maybe i’ll ask where you buy a giant chair

–he showed me the hogyoku?

#maybe aizen is just like one of those new dads  #can’t help but show off baby pics  #or maybe he thinks I’m dumb?  #I’m obviously going to destroy the hogyoku????  #unless I forget

–i can’t believe i slapped ulquiorra!!!!

#he just sort of walked away  #i wonder if i hurt his feelings??  #oh wait he doesn’t have feelings  

–well that was an eventful morning

–first menoly and loly came into my room to beat me up

#because apparently Aizen doesn’t show his hogyoku to everyone?? #it’s like, chill, ladies   #it wasn’t his penis

–then grimmjow came in and killed them

#so far all he’s used that arm I gave him for is killing  #i resolved right then and there  #no more healing everybody regardless of how evil they are

–then i healed menoly and loly

#b/c i was lying about the resolution thing  #and i’m pretty sure we’ll all friends now  #they will never hurt me again

–now grimmjow is taking me to see kurosaki-kun!!!!

#in a sack  #tied up  #even tho i would totally come willingly  #luckily i’m very good at blind tweeting

–scariest thing in the world: seeing kurosaki-kun with an injury i almost can’t heal

#plz don’t let that happen again  #plz




#???  #?????

–I apologize for the last tweet. Thanks to a friend, I now know that my reaction was premature

#although seriously  #hollow mask??  #but why???

–i will not get turned by kurosaki-kun fighting. i will not get turned on by kurosaki-kun fighting

#i will not

–he’s okay!

#he did it!  #we’re free!  #I’m free!  #I can go home!




–sorry for the long delay. nnoitra’s fraccion sorta broke my phone. then things kept happening. and now

–well i don’t really want to talk about it

–i’ll just say this: i can bring people back from the dead

–i was wrong about ulqui and ishida being friends

–also ulquiorra-kun is dead

–and i think maybe he could have been my friend

–and i’m just very sad