Will You Be There?
A/N: I know this isn’t smut, but I wanted to do something different and write out of my comfort zone! I am not good with sad to just bare with me lol. I hope you guys like it! Feedback is appreciated. :) Oh and @nobravery here ya go I tagged you so don’t @ me.
I sit on the grey ottoman by our window
looking out into the empty night as I try to make sense of it all. How did we
get here? When did everything go dark? I wish we could change and go
back, but it’s too late for any of that now. Everything is black and burnt.
There’s no hope for us anymore.
I’m pulled from my thoughts as I hear tired footsteps down the hall headed toward the bedroom. I don’t bother to look up because I know the expression on his face will kill me. The door creaks further open as he slips inside and shuts it quietly behind him. He sits on the end of the bed staring in my direction as he lets out a strangled breath. I know his eyes are begging, his face broken. He puts his hand on my thigh, and I look away because if I find his eyes, I know I’ll break.
“Will you be here when I wake up? Please baby I can’t bare to look over and not see you there. Just one last time… I’m begging you.” He swallows hard, trying not to losing himself. I finally look up at him, his pain filled eyes blinking the tears away. He looks as if he could shatter into pieces as any moment. It breaks my heart seeing him this way, but I can’t find the right words to answer him with.
I’ve told him this wouldn’t work. Us. He’s always gone and lately he’s been so distant. He has become so infatuated with his music. Making sure everything is perfect to a T and it has put a strain on our relationship. I can’t stay here and be alone. Not on my own. I need someone who is here for me, with me. And actually present when he is here. We haven’t been us in a while, and I can’t bare the heartache any longer. We are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any moment.
It started with small things. Texts getting shorter, phone calls becoming less frequent, Skype calls becoming nonexistent. Then it progressed. Our sex life became obsolete. He stopped flying me out to see him. He doesn’t look at me with the passion in his eyes. The look that would melt me into a puddle inside my stomach. He doesn’t hold me anymore. He doesn’t touch me, kiss me. Nothing. I feel alone. Shawn is so wrapped up in tour that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. He’s stressed all the time. I get that, and I want him to live his dream. I am so proud of how far he’s come. He’s worked so fucking hard for this and deserves all the opportunities coming his way, but I can’t stand being alone here anymore. It’s time to accept that we aren’t good together anymore. But for some reason something in me says to stay. For him. One last time.
I let out a deep, shaky breath and nod my head in compliance. I look up at Shawn as he nods back at me, his face hopeful that maybe he can change my mind, but the decision is final. I get up from the chair pulling up his old t-shirt to keep it from falling off my shoulders. I slip off my pants and pull back the duvet hopping into bed. I watch Shawn as he slips out of his grey t-shirt and black jeans to climb into bed next to me. He lays his head on the pillow as his brown eyes search for the blue in mine. He’s empty, and I’m the reason for it. I hate this I really fucking do, but how can two people stay together when the happiness is gone?
He tries to be strong, sending me a soft smile and wraps his arms around me as I burry myself into his chest. He pulls me tight against him, leaving a warm, lingering kiss on my forehead saying goodnight and then, it’s silent. The both of us hanging onto this moment. Knowing this is the last time I’ll ever lay next to him. I always loved falling asleep in Shawn’s arms. It felt so safe, so right to me. Like the world could be crashing around us, and it wouldn’t matter. Because he would be there to hold me and help me face whatever problem was coming our way. But not now, this is something he can’t fix.
I can tell Shawn is now asleep by the soft snores coming from his mouth. I look up and my heart skips a beat. He looks adorable, his brown curls a mess and his mouth slightly parted, cheeks flushed. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I slide my fingers across his jawline and leave a soft kiss. My eyes wander to his nose, watching the cute way his nostrils flare as he breathes. The first night I ever slept over at his place, I caught myself watching him sleep just like now. I fell in love with the simplicity of it. So pure and innocent. His crinkled nose, his skin covered in sleep lines from where he’s been in a deep sleep. And no matter how often he would toss and turn in his sleep, his arm always remained across my body, holding me. Admiring the sweet sight in front of me, my chest tightens at the thought of leaving him. I can’t bare to see his face in the morning, broken and distraught. He’ll try and get me to change my mind, and I’m afraid I’ll give in. I’ll decide to stay and be right back where I am now, coming home everyday trying to mask the pain and emptiness. I could stay and try to work this out one more time for the sake of us. We have so many memories together, and they are all so hard to let go of. I mean, how could I just let go of us and everything we’ve been through? The only problem is, we haven’t been us in a long time, and I don’t think we will ever get back there. Walking away from our relationship is not something I ever wanted to do. This day would never have come if he would have been there the way I needed him to.
With that, I let out a strangled breath and I pull back the covers, letting my feet hit the cold floor as I walk over to the closet and pull out my large duffle bag. I begin packing my drawer that Shawn had cleared for me in his dresser a few months back. This was a hard for him to do, considering his clothes take up so much damn room. He spent the day before rearranging all his clothes around just so I would have room for my things. The day he showed it to me, the gift of the drawer was also followed with a key to his place. It was a big step in our relationship, but we were so excited for what that change would bring us. Two kids, desperately falling for one another.
I walk into the bathroom to collect some of my toiletries. Looking over at the walk-in shower, I can’t help but giggle to myself in reminiscence. Every morning before work, Shawn would take a quick shower while I sat on our sink and did my hair and makeup. He would sing different melodies he had been working on because he knew I loved to listen to him. Sometimes he would sing off key on purpose because he loved to make me laugh. And one morning I was walking past the shower to grab my makeup bag from my purse and he pulled me into the shower with him, soaking the shirt I was wearing, but I didn’t mind. We just laughed as he held me against him, leaving wet kisses all over my face as I tried to free myself from his grip, but it never worked I just continued to chuckle at how silly he was. So in love, nothing else mattered but us in that very moment. I zip my bag and quietly tip-toe around the room, careful not to wake Shawn.
I walk around the condo, making sure I haven’t left anything behind when I see it. The photo of us on Christmas Eve last year, the day he told me he loved me. We were outside his parent’s house drinking hot chocolate, my head in his lap and his fingers ran through my hair. We sat out there cuddled close to one another for hours having meaningless conversation. I looked up to see him grinning like an idiot and I reached up to boop his nose making him let out a soft laugh. After asking him why he was smiling, the words just fell out making my heart burst. He was perfect, everything I wanted. This Christmas Eve was different. Shawn was in Japan doing an album promo, and I was at my parent’s house helping them wrap presents for our other family members. I only heard from him once that day, and it was a quick have a good holiday, then nothing. Like we were acquaintance. Like the I love you meant nothing to him now.
I walk down the hall into our room for the last time, staring down at a tired Shawn still sound asleep. I lean down and give his forehead one last kiss, wiping the tear from his cheek that had fallen before I turn and head for the door. I’ll miss this apartment and him. The laughs, the memories, the tears everything. Our love was built here and slowly faded here. I turn around taking one last look at the condo as I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. We had so many great things, but I know this for the best. I grab my bag off the floor as I turn the knob. Never looking back.
It’s been a month since I woke to the sound of the door closing. Looking over in disbelief at the sheets on her side of the bed that were pulled back. I remember pulling myself from bed, praying this is all a horrible nightmare. Walking around the barren condo, seeing that all of her things were no longer in their place, her drawer empty. She was gone and it was my fault. I got so caught up in work, and I fucked up. I loved her but I could have shown more to her, for her. I pushed her to her limits and I hate myself for it. I was lying to myself, saying the tough times would pass. Telling myself we were still happy—that we were just going through a rough patch with me not being home as much, but I was wrong. She was broken, a girl who used to have so much happiness burning inside her. Happiness that I burned out.
The empty feeling in my chest comes and goes. Keeping myself busy in my music helps even if all of it is about her. Being in a new condo, even better. I know I’m stronger at all the places her leaving broke me. But some days, after all the work has been done, and the clutter of the day has been cleared, I still find her in the back of my mind. Sometimes I play the old videos on my phone of her dancing and singing in the kitchen, just to hear her soft voice. I’m afraid I’m going to forget just how gorgeous that sound is, for the most beautiful moments always seem to accelerate and slip beyond our grasp just when we want to hold onto them for as long as possible.