also when i first made this i wrote 'oh snape!' which i like as a thing

anonymous asked:

i wanna hear all about the cursed child when you finish it haha i've only seen spoilers so far but oh boy lol

ALL THE SPOILERS ARE TRUE AND JUST AS ABJECTLY RIDICULOUS IN CONTEXT AS THEY SOUND OUT OF CONTEXT, H O W E V E R, ALL THE SPOILERS NEGLECTED TO MENTION THAT: 

a) everything Scorpius Malfoy says and does will make you want to strap on armour and charge into battle for love of him, 

b) one of Scorpius’s first lines is ‘I’ve always regarded the Pepper Imp as the king of the confectionary bag’, which renders the whole Everyone Thinks Scorpius Is Voldemort’s Son subplot/mystery UTTERLY UNNECESSARY because OF COURSE THIS RIDICULOUS CHILD IS THE FRUIT OF DRACO MALFOY’S LOINS, 

c) Draco gets some weighty shit to say/is just Redemption Arc AF all the way through, so 

d) HAZ AND DRAZ MAKE FRIENDS and 

e) Draco gets to join The Gang for World-Saving Hijinks, which means 

f) some scenes are DRARRY AF AS FUCK, but mainly 

g) everything about this play will make you Team Malfoy Forever, holy shit, like, wtf, 

h) at one point Harry and Draco are duelling and Draco goes ‘Keep up, old man’ and Harry’s like ‘WE’RE THE SAME AGE, DRACO’ which made me laugh so hard I had to put the book down for a good five minutes, 

i) it also bears mentioning that RON AND HERMIONE ARE IN LOVE IN EVERY TIMELINE, god bless @whoever the hell wrote this thing, 

j) speaking of whoever wrote this thing, they took the whole ‘Harry couldn’t really hear the commentary during the first Triwizard Task very well from his position in the Champions’ Tent’ and handed us Ludo Bagman yelling DOG DIGGITY, CEDRIC DIGGORY, YOU ARE A DOGGY DYNAMO! which I will be forever thankful for, 

k) Albus and Scorpius make their great escape off the Hogwarts Express while it’s in motion and the trolley witch turns into a terrifying Immortal Guardian of the Train and hurls explosive pasties at them, while casually dropping into the admittedly weird conversation that Fred’n’George and the Marauders all tried to get off the train while it was moving, EMPHASIS ON ‘TRIED’, 

l) turns out my SCORP LAD WOT LAD “joke” was completely inaccurate as, world-ending and illegal shenanigans aside, Scorpius and Albus are BORING NERDS, but 

m) their entire relationship is a personification of the ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining’ text post, and 

n) I am 100% positive that by the time they turn 16 they will be Experimenting and Laughing It Off while also Staring Wistfully At Each Other While The Other One’s Not Paying Attention, because oh my god, they are completely smitten with each other, LITERALLY, 

o) when plot things happen and Harry won’t let them see each other anymore, there’s an ENTIRE MONTAGE of them being DESOLATE AND DISTRAUGHT, the word “heartbroken” is used about both of them, Draco bursts into Harry and Ginny’s house like ‘MY SON IS IN TEARS POTTER, WTF’, it’s all very Fraught and Forbidden Romance-y, and when they’re allowed to be friends again they’re like ‘you’re… the best person I know… you… make me stronger…’ ‘…!! … that’s so nice… I didn’t like my life without you in it… !!!’ and then Albus tells Scorpius he’s kind from the depths of his belly to the tips of his fingers which is the most ROMANTIC SHIT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE, ALBUS POTTER GOT GAME SON, but anyway, they’re in love, fight me, WHAT ELSE? 

p) Harry does all the cooking, 

q) Draco gets excited about a farmer’s market, 

r) Ron is the fucking best person on planet earth, probably, 

s) Harry and Draco burst into Slytherin and try to get up to the dormitory to find Albus and Scorpius and this one kid is yelling at them like ‘PARENTS AREN’T ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE COMMON ROOMS WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF-’ and McGonagall just appears and says ‘Please don’t be tiresome, Craig’ and honestly if I was Craig I’d never show my face again, 

t) I forgot to mention that in the weird Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU Scorpius gets to talk to Snape and blah blah blah plot Snape is giving him a pep talk like ‘Think about Albus. You’re giving up your kingdom for Albus, right? One person. All it takes is one person.’ which is just… indescribably romo, and 

u) in the Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU dark Draco Malfoy is still better at dadding than regular timeline Harry Potter, which I don’t think any of us saw coming, 

v) Harry asks Draco what he wanted to do as a grown-up when he was a kid and Draco says ‘Quidditch. But I wasn’t good enough. Mainly I wanted to be happy.’ which is honestly just fucking savage and I can’t believe I lived through it, ALSO I had to read the line ‘It is exceptionally lonely, being Draco Malfoy’ with my own eyes, so I’m taking tomorrow off work, 

w) this incredibly soul-baring and candid convo comes on the heels of HARRY COMING FOR DUMBLEDORE(’S PORTRAIT) ABOUT HOW DUMBLEDORE TREATED HARRY AND I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE. he yells at Dumbledore until Dumbledore is LITERALLY WEEPING. I don’t even want to tell you what he says because you all need to experience that moment of cleansing rightness in your lives, 

x) despite all the batshit plot things, the play actually deals with all the characters’ traumas FAR BETTER than the series ever did. we get actual GINNY and TOM RIDDLE shit in this play guys! it gets talked about! how it affected Ginny gets talked about! Harry has nightmares! Harry vents his feelings! Draco tells Harry about how alone he felt and how that sent him to such a bad place! Draco, Ginny and Harry understand each other and bond over shared trauma! who the fuck expected this! not fucking me! 

y) I was emotional as hell throughout because I’m nothing if not dramatic but there’s a bit towards the very end involving HAGRID, THE BEST DUDE, that legit made me sob my little heart out from the agony of two decades’ worth of accumulated feelings about this series, 

 z) so yeah. Harry has to watch his parents die because Albus is a rebellious little emo gobshite who got a crush on a live-action DeviantArt OC from 2005 called Delphi who has silvery-blue hair and is secretly Voldemort and Bellatrix’s lovechild, BUT WHO CARES, I FUCKING LOVE HARRY POTTER AND I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE READING THIS OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED CRACKFIC, 10/10, WOULD EXPERIENCE PURE JOY AGAIN!!!!!

You know what I wish we got to see in some capacity? Like, via the Trio being a quad? A really academic Slytherin.
“But Mok,” you may say “They have Hermione for ‘the smart one’!”
I’m not saying the focus is on the smart ok, because the thing about Hermione’s smart is it’s very book and research and “this is the right answer because evidence and because xyz say so regardless of if it makes someone happy.”
Thing is there’s several types of smart. She’s the academic smart to study because she’s hyped on it and a genius. 
I want a Slytherin that kinda pulled what she did– read all the books, researched a bit more than they were kinda supposed to, learned more than they were supposed to, is very practically on point with it, but not really in on the commenting. Because teachers make faces when you’re smarter than you’re supposed to be, and in the magical world knowing too much is treated as a danger if you’re not careful. Say the right things at the right times, study more as time goes on, insist you just guessed about a potion working a certain way.
But being fully aware just when you could test those lines.

I kinda wish we had a Slytherin sitting there bald-faced droning questions at Snape, though, knowing hell would freeze hard with permafrost before he did more than non-official detention of picking up misplaced ingredients after class. Droning only because they know all the information and are really only asking for the benefit of the rest of the people in class who have no idea what he actually wants past his rather cryptic instructions– the things he takes for granted that they know. They’re bored, but they’re not going to show it past the same tone he gives the class. It’s standing on the line not crossing it if they use the proper number of “Sir” and “Please”. 
Sitting in other classes doing the same thing, only in a more personable tone because it’s a more engaging topic or they haven’t been able to find books on it, or the books made it seem less exciting. 
Sitting in class with Hermione and comparing notes, details that may come up on a test, things that could be good for essays and general interesting tidbits of info.
Seeking her out in the Library or during meals, ignoring the other members of her house and sitting next to her to point excitedly at a book passage or something they’d written down from a library book to share with her.
A Slytherin being perfectly aware of which rules are and are not in effect when and where and thus making their way to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room and being very grumpy that The Fat Lady wouldn’t let them in to talk to Granger about books, i mean honestly, they have things to discuss and no this can’t wait. Yes they can be here, it’s a waning gibbous on a Friday after the autumn equinox and there are several people from Wales in the castle. They read that very obscure rule that Godric wrote in as a laugh to keep Salazar from bothering him now and then, but they read it so there they are. 

I’m just imagining the benefit it would have been to have someone like Hermione that was also kinda horrible with people past Hermione because they gave very little care to other people that didn’t click with them, but Hermione and eventually the rest of the trio did. 
Then we could have had the Slytherin representation the books lacked so much of.
The cunning of Slytherin house is so much more than climbing job ladders, or stabbing people in the back– we’d on the whole much rather not do that. It’s seeing how to survive in the manner of least lost, gritting our teeth for the losses we will take, and forging ahead. 
We may plot, but it is to stay alive and to keep our people alive and safe. We are cunning and resourceful in so many ways– to create, to flourish, to preserve, to continue. We bond deeply to people in a way very few could understand.
A Slytherin in the main group would have given the readers a view into house’s inner workings. 
The bond growing over the first year, speeding off to help find Hermione when she hears about the troll– at this point not much caring for Potter or Weasly, simply terrified for their friend– and clinging to her the moment they can to make sure she’s alright.
The second year the character in a frothing rage over Hermione being petrified and in a fervent screaming fit in the common over Draco’s comment– words the likes of “If you weren’t made of money, and if you didn’t bleed the likes of poison, you would be broken for calling my friend those words, you slug!” said in anger and meant. They spend hours as they can, by her bed or in the common when they’re shoo’d away. If jokes are made it’s soon learned they do not get said in ear shot. They learn about the Basilisk and Potter killing it, Weasly being wounded and his sister being drained by.. something. No one will say what. They thank them both, though the two are sleeping at the time. Ginny gains a new protector, though she really doesn’t need one.
Third year, third year is terrible. Sirius Black, escaped from Azkaban. That isn’t what worries them, no– it’s the Dementors. The cold is supposed to go down to one’s very soul, though they’ve only read about it in books. They hadn’t expected them, and they’d never practiced the Patronus. The train had been a horror and the ride up unsettling, though finding their friends would have soothed them. Seeing more was not a good thing. Upside, Hermione was granted a timeturner and seemed to be enjoying it– though she refused to treat Divination seriously. Potter and Weasly insisted on getting into trouble– this was both vexing and unsurprising. Informing them to at least take them with the two so they can keep watch is met with surprise and unsurprised Hermione. When brought up to speed on current shenanigans, comment that “We could always use your connections, Harry– I mean, if we believe Black, he never got a trial, right? But Draco can get his dad to put a magical creature on trial– they can damn well put a man on trial after a few years, yeah?”
“I don’t have connections.”
“You’re Harry fucking Potter.”
“Oh. Right.”
Then presumably Dumbledor would throw a magical wrench in the works. So on. 

I’m just saying there was an opportunity and it was missed and It Makes Me Sad.

anonymous asked:

Can you explain the Lily and James being in hiding thing please?

Oh, boy.  I will try.

This, as far as I can tell, is the canon timeline.(Please correct me if I’ve missed something, alright?)

Harry was born on July 31st, 1980. We don’t know if he was a few weeks early, a few weeks late, or right on time, so his conception date is somewhere between mid-October to mid-November 1979 (conception date for a baby actually due on July 31st is November 7th). They definitely thought Harry would qualify for the prophecy, so his due date had to be within that time frame…

For the longest time, we all thought that James and Lily had gone into hiding one week before the Fidelius charm is cast, in late October, 1981, as is mentioned in PoA. This makes sense until we talk about the prophecy in later books. Whether JK didn’t take this into account when she wrote PoA or not, I don’t know, but it seems likely.

Sybill Trelawney’s first prophecy was made in 1980-best as we can tell, early 1980. Dumbledore gives us a closer approximation of the time when he says, ”On a cold, wet night sixteen years ago, in a room above a bar at the Hog’s Head Inn…” (OotP, 37) Working backwards, it’s 1980, cold & wet implies early spring. Also, the prophecy tells us that the baby approaches, so she is pregnant when the prophecy is made.

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches … born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies … and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not … and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives … the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies …

Dumbledore tells Harry in OotP “‘As you and your friends found out to your cost, and I to mine that night, it is a place where it is never safe to assume you are not being overheard. Of course, I had not dreamed, when I set out to meet Sibyll Trelawney, that I would hear anything worth overhearing. My-our-one stroke of good fortune was that the eavesdropper was detected only a short way into the prophecy and thrown from the building.’ ‘So he only heard…?’ ‘He heard only the first part, the part foretelling the birth of a boy in July to parents who had thrice defied Voldemort. Consequently, he could not warn his master that to attack you would be ti risk transferring power to you…’

Here, we find out that someone overheard the prophecy-a follower of Voldemort’s-which is how Voldemort finds out about it at all.

The story picks up in the Prince’s Tale, ch 33/DH..
“Harry seemed to fly through shifting shapes and colors until his surroundings solidified again and he stood on a hilltop, forlorn and cold in the darkness, the wind whistling through the branches of a few leafless trees….”

Here, we are given the same picture, that it’s still cold, that it’s forlorn, It’s very windy, and the trees are mostly leafless. Early spring, right? Certainly not summer, when the leaves would be full, when it would be warm. And it could be fall, but that doesn’t hold water with what we’re told later.

“‘Well, Severus, What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?’
‘No-no message-I’m here on my own account!’
Snape was wringing his hands: He looked a little mad…
‘What request could a Death Eater make of me?’
‘The-the prophecy…the prediction…Trelawney…’
‘Ah, yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?’
‘Everything-everything I heard!’ said Snape. ‘That is why-it is for that reason-he thinks it means Lily Evans!’
‘The prophecy does not refer to a woman,’ said Dumbledore. ‘It spoke of a boy born at the end of July…’
‘You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down-kill them all-’
'If she means so much to you,’ said Dumbledore, 'surely Lord Voldemort will spare her?’ Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?’
'I have-I have asked him-’
'You disgust me,’ said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little. 'You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?’
Snape said nothing, but merely looked up at Dumbledore.
'Hide them all, then,’ he croaked. 'Keep her-them-safe. Please.’
'And what will you give me in return, Severus?’
'In-in return?’ Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, 'Anything.'”

So…Snape told Voldemort everything, Voldemort thought it meant the Potters and was going to come after them. My problem with this, in terms of the timeline JK sets up for us-that it all happened while she was pregnant-because it mentions that they have a son, two or three times, implying that she’s already given birth.

However, Snape wouldn’t sit on this information, right? He would tell Voldemort about the prophecy immediately. And Voldemort wouldn’t sit on knowledge like this, he would decide a course of action-who to go after-immediately. For me, logically, it does stand to reason that the prophecy, Snape telling Voldemort about the prophecy, Voldemort deciding it was the Potters, and Snape coming to warn Dumbledore all happened within a very short period of time.

JK gives an interview in 2007, in which she gives some clarification as to her intentions for Lily and James and when they went into hiding:

So that’s what they did, they left school. James has gold, enough to support Sirius and Lily. So I suppose they lived off a private income. But they were full-time fighters, that’s what they did, until Lily fell pregnant with Harry. So then they went into hiding.

She doesn’t say that they go into hiding when Harry was born, or after, but when Lily was still pregnant. This is further confirmed by Lily’s letter to Padfoot, which establishes that during Harry’s first birthday in July, they’d been in hiding for quite some time.

Are there a few gaps in this? Yes. But JK has written this amazing, intricate series and this-timelines, it’s her biggest flaw. That there are a few holes in not the least bit surprising.

She does give us the confirmation that they went into hiding while she was pregnant, and as it’s the same interview where she tells us Dumbledore was gay, that Neville marries Hannah Abbot, and those are widely accepted as canon, I think we ought to consider this canon as well.

to summarize:

1977-1978-Lily & James get together, possibly defy Voldemort once
1978-1979-Lily & James get married, fight full time in the Order, narrowly escape Voldemort three times
Oct-Nov 1979-Harry is conceived
early 1980-prophecy is made
early 1980-prophecy is told to Voldemort, who decides to go after the Potters
early 1980-Snape warns Dumbledore
early 1980-the Potters go into hiding, presumably at Godric’s Hollow, which (my headcanon, is a place that Dumbledore found for them, since it is his neighborhood, so to speak, and he would be familiar with it)
July 1980-Harry is born
October 1981-Fidelius charm is cast
October 31, 1981-dead

I hope that this has been helpful and not a rambling mess.

Rereading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Chapter Twenty-Seven - Padfoot Returns

One of the best things about the aftermath of the second task was that everybody was very keen to hear details of what had happened down in the lake, which meant that Ron was getting to share Harry’s limelight for once.

FINALLY. happy 4 u bb

- loling at ron changing the story tho; we shouldnt have expected anything else

People had been teasing her so much about being the thing that Viktor Krum would most miss that she was in a rather tetchy mood.

OWN IT GIRL. 

- HAHAHA omg rita skeeter just wrote an article basically saying hermione has an itch that harry can’t scratch alone - she needs viktor too and im just dyyyyying. im here for it only because its hilarious.

“I told you!” Ron hissed at Hermione as she stared down at the article. “I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She’s made you out to be some sort of - of scarlet woman!”
Hermione stopped looking astonished and snorted with laughter. “Scarlet woman?” she repeated, shaking with suppressed giggles as she looked around at Ron.
“It’s what my mum calls them,” Ron muttered, his ears going red.

hahahahahah oh my fucking god this chapter is starting off RIGHT guys ive been deceased for the past 4 pages I cant.

- omg guys rons got the hots for hermione SO BAD and he doesnt even know it yet. hermione’s like ‘wtf how did rita know that viktor wants me to visit him and that he totally luvs me?’ and rons just like ‘BUT WHAT’D U SAY BACK THO?’ over and over again and i cant.

- ah yes, here comes that great part of the chapter when SNAPE IS THE BIGGEST DOUCHE EVER. hes now reading the article in front of the whole class like paaaainfully slow. whatta dick. but we already knew that. 

“All this press attention seems to have inflated your already over-large head, Potter,” said Snape quietly, once the rest of the class had settled down again.
Harry didn’t answer. He knew Snape was trying to provoke him; he had done this before. No doubt he was hoping for an excuse to take a round fifty points from Gryffindor before the end of class.

bro. you are a GROWN ASS ADULT. why are you trying to start fights with a 14 year old kid? like??????

- lol snape is threatening harry with veritaserum and the only thing harrys worried about is accidently telling snape he likes cho. 

- karkaroff has NO chill. he just busted into potions class and showed snape his dark mark like UM HELLO YOU CANT DO THAT DUDE there are children in the room

- how funny would it be if this dog the trio is chasing through hogsmeade wasn’t actually sirius lol

- WHATS UP BUCKBEAK missed u homie

Sirius shook his head and said, “She’s go the measure of Crouch better than you have, Ron. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

i seriously love this quote but its kinda fucked considering how sirius treats kreacher. BUT IM JUST SAYIN.

- sirius is laying it out for the trio about what it was like to live during voldemorts first reign and shits getting REAL yall

- also sirius fills us in on how FUCKING LOONEY crouch was during that time - just throwing people in jail and shit without a trail. 

- whoa guys im having a senior moment here and cannot for the life of me remember how barty crouch jr got out of azkaban…sirius says he died in there but I CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING omg this is actually kinda exciting lol its like reading this book again for the first time

- soo snuffles if officially a thing now

“Percy would never throw any of his family to the dementors,” said Hermione severely. 
“I don’t know,” said Ron. “If he thought we were standing in the way of his career…Percy’s really ambitious, you know…”

YOU DONT EVEN KNOW GUYS. JUST WAIT.

welp if you liked this, follow me for more chapters!