also when i first made this i wrote 'oh snape!' which i like as a thing

St. Vincent Is Telling You Everything

“I told you more than I would tell my own mother.”




September 10, 2017, 10:34 a.m.
By Laura Snapes | BuzzFeed Contributor
Reporting From New York, New York

Annie Clark was reconfiguring some older material for her upcoming tour when she realized how alien it felt to play it. She could adapt the arrangements to her harsher new sound — the sleazy, acid aesthetic of Masseduction, her upcoming fifth solo record as St. Vincent — but the writing’s proggy complexity was cockblocking the emotion. “In so many ways, I thought I was being completely transparent and brave in every record, only to realize that they are very oblique,” Clark told BuzzFeed News. She cackled and looked delighted. “Who knew! I had no idea.”

Clark is much too self-aware for this to be completely true. But the difference between her polite, guarded Texan past and confrontational present is colossal. When I first interviewed Clark in 2009, she nervously pressed her pendant against her lips and face, leaving a red lipstick pox on her insane cheekbones. By 2014’s St. Vincent, Clark’s public persona would be imperious.

But these days, she’s a playful freak who revels in showing the tightness of her grip, a disposition aided by long, straight eyebrows that dance like Memphis squiggles. In late July, she appeared in the lobby of New York City’s Marlton Hotel, her temporary home during the making of Masseduction. She had come from pilates — which she likes because it makes her sing better and “come a lot harder” — and disappeared to change out of her leopard-print gym shorts. When I mentioned a recent paparazzi photo of her looking like a sexy detective in another skintight leopard-patterned getup, she asked twice, with predatory delight, whether I’d looked at her camel toe. (No! Okay, maybe!) The only time her control slipped was when the hotel’s stereo started playing “Who,” a knotty song from the album she made with David Byrne, and she shriveled like a salted snail at hearing her own voice.

Self-possession like hers is often interpreted as pretentious, or pathological. But over time, the confidence that the younger, anxious Clark had to fake has become bracingly real. You can hear it in Masseduction, a record of pop fluidity and queer possibility. It’s the best thing she’s ever done, and there are no bad St. Vincent records. It’s partly harsh, heady, erotic synth-pop visions steered by her diamond-sharp guitar, and while Clark has written plenty of ballads, there have never been any as brutal and gorgeous as these. Its lurch between apocalypse and ecstasy mirrors how it felt to be kicked in the head by the past couple years.

In a way, Clark was right about the obscurity of her past work, filled with archetypes and distanced observations — emotions through a stained-glass window. If not a clear pane, then Masseduction is at least a peep show on heartache, fucking, addiction, destitution, and suicide. And her relatively new life as a very public figure, thanks to relationships with Cara Delevingne and Kristen Stewart, gives it an extra frisson. Tabloids will rush to find the former, the famed British supermodel, on an album littered with wasted bodies, especially on “Young Lover,” where Clark finds someone overdosed in the bathtub. She recounts the night with terror but also arrestingly ugly indignation. “Oh, so what / Your mother did a number / So I get gloves of rubber / To clean up the spill,” she sneers.

“Scenario has to rhyme, babe,” is all Clark said about its veracity. She was bemused at being asked to explain the lyrics. To her, this record is butt-naked. “I told you everything,” she stressed. “I told you more than I would tell my own mother. It’s right there.”


Annie Clark
Nedda Afsari


Masseduction started out with three tenets: It would feature programmed beats and pedal steel guitar, and examine power and seduction. “What does power look like, who wields it, how do they wield it — emotionally, sexually, financially?” Clark ticked off her fingers.

The album was properly born over a creative first-date dinner with Jack Antonoff, the Bleachers frontman who also recently produced and wrote with Lorde and Taylor Swift. Clark was looking for a teammate; they told each other everything that was going wrong in their lives and decided that total oblivion was the only way out of their heads. “It wasn’t, ‘Hey, let’s make a record together, that’ll be fun,’” Antonoff told me. “It was, ‘Let’s absolutely go all the way and find the absolute best thing that exists here,’ which is really the only way to work on things.”

That grit is Clark’s MO. Until recently, she claimed to have taken approximately 36 hours off in between returning from touring 2011’s Strange Mercy and starting work on 2014’s St. Vincent. The concerts for the latter were bonkers, starting the run as avant-garde, meticulously choreographed deconstructions of a traditional rock show, and ending it with exorcisms that entailed Clark crumpling down a 10-foot pink plywood pyramid like a drunken horse. She often stole objects from the crowd: a pair of crutches, someone’s dinner. The spectacle of her murdering the thing she’d trained for was addictive.


St. Vincent during the 2015 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival.
Frazer Harrison / Getty Images


“Touring became a blood sport for me. I mean, I was born with a whip anyway, and touring became this self-flagellating exercise,” she said, clenching her jaw and lashing each shoulder with an imaginary strap. “And I was seeking that kind of physical exhaustion; I was seeking the pain.”

She doesn’t know why, and she’s okay not knowing why, though eventually she did accept that her relationship to touring was a form of delirium. On the new album’s “Sugarboy,” a dystopian, post-Moroder disco banger, she describes herself as a “casualty hanging on from the balcony.” (She literally climbed rafters in some theaters, kicking away security guards.) This hysteria is one of the reasons she considers Masseduction her saddest record. “I lost my mind, I lost people, I gained people, I stopped touring,” Clark said of that period between 2014 and 2017. “It was just a lot of a lot, you know.”

After the St. Vincent tour dates ended, Clark had to learn to construct and value life away from the road — she had been on tour since age 16, when she worked as an assistant for her aunt and uncle’s jazz group. “And I still love that,” she said of touring, “but it’s more like a component of my life now rather than…my life.” Back home she indulged in a “period of bacchanalia,” and briefly got into self-medicating, an experience she turned into the lunatic track “Pills”: Imagine the Stepford Wives lost in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory (Kamasi Washington guests on saxophone; Delevingne sings on the chorus).

She’s transfixed by the forces that can swallow us — “You know, drugs, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll,” she winked. “So corny. Kill me! Kill me dead!” Though sometimes she uses those themes to dress up more mundane relationship dynamics. “Savior” explores the unhealthiness of mutual projection through a funny S&M parable involving nurses and nuns and our tediously prosaic concepts of kink: “You put me in a teacher’s little denim skirt,” Clark moans on the song. “Ruler and desk so I can make it hurt / But I keep you on your best behavior / Honey, I can’t be your savior.” The album’s self-destructive dynamic comes out on the title track — “I can’t turn off what turns me on,” she wails over twisted guitar — and her protagonists never stop annihilating each other for their own benefit, whether for carnal kicks, or for the mothers who “milk their young” in the song “Los Ageless.”


The album cover for Masseduction.
Loma Vista Recordings


And then there’s the heartbreaking “Happy Birthday Johnny,” which sounds like a snowflake but crushes like an anvil. It calls back to the title track of her 2007 debut Marry Me, about “John” who’s “a rock with a heart like a socket I can plug into at will”; and to “Prince Johnny,” the decadent downtown royal from St. Vincent. She said she feels compassion and hopelessness for his self-destruction, but can’t judge because she’s just like him. Maybe he’s also a cipher for the way humans use each other — Clark flatly refused to talk about him. “One thing I have learned in six records and 10 years is that I’m not obliged to answer any questions — a lesson I more or less only recently learned.” She stared into the bar, fixing a grim expression through her orange aviators. “Next question.”

At any rate, the song is a whole story. Once conspirators, her and Johnny’s literal fire-starting days are behind them, and now he lives on the street, calling up Clark at New Year’s for “dough to get something to eat.” She demurs, and he calls her a queenly miser who’s sold out for fame. “But if they only knew the real version of me / Only you know the secrets, the swamp, and the fear,” she pleads. It is deeply tragic, being shamed — perhaps rightly — by the person who once understood your shame.

Antonoff theorized that she’s mourning a past on the record. On the forthcoming Fear the Future Tour (named after a new song, and to resemble a Jenny Holzer maxim), Clark said she probably won’t be flinging herself around stages as much because “I think I’m emotionally throwing myself around a lot more.”


A still from St. Vincent’s “New York” music video.
Alex Da Carte


In late July, Tiffany & Co. announced Clark as one of the faces of its fall advertising campaign. Diamonds and waspy Americana are a weirdly prim contrast to the freaky propaganda aesthetic that Clark is calling “manic panic” — the Masseduction album cover is a photo of a nice ass in a leopard-print thong bodysuit. But like any savvy propagandist, Clark’s image will be everywhere this year. Having directed a short film, The Birthday Party, as part of the horror anthology XX, she’s now due to direct a feature-length, female-led adaptation of The Picture of Dorian Gray. (“The most rich text I have ever read: transgression, modernity, society, repressed queerness.”) There’s also a multimedia performance as part of October’s Red Bull Music Academy in Los Angeles, and an upcoming art exhibition in New York. A coffee table book. Essays. (She calls art “a fountain of youth” that’s given her everything and everyone in her life, hence her urge to make everything.) And that’s just the exposure she has control over.

Celebrities like to pretend that their success is the result of some cosmic fluke, but Clark has said quite openly that the best part of becoming more famous thanks to her love life is “just getting the opportunity to do more work in different fields,” which nobody ever admits! (Though her 2015 Grammy for Best Alternative Album and overwhelming critical acclaim probably helped, too.)

St. Vincent, Zoe Kravitz, and Zosia Mamet at the Tiffany & Co.-presented Whitney Biennial VIP Opening in March 2017 in New York.
Mike Coppola / Getty Images


One of Clark’s best-known songs, 2014’s “Digital Witness,” is about social media voyeurism. “I wonder if, in the future, privacy will be something that only the 1 percent can afford,” she told Rolling Stone that year, which now seems beautifully naive. From the second she and Delevingne were spotted together at the 2015 BRIT Awards, the UK’s pervy yet ever-scandalized tabloid media went nuts that their hottest young model was dating a woman, and pursued them so staunchly that the couple once took revenge by firing water pistols at the paparazzi.

“She really is so famous!” Clark said of Delevingne, feigning hammy disbelief at the attention they received. “That shouldn’t have been shocking to me, but it was shocking to me in the sense that she’s such a sweet, really, deeply kind, unspoiled person. She has more compassion in her little finger than—” She waved her hand around her torso with a grim laugh. (The pair reportedly split last fall, but Clark would only say they were “never not close.”)

Clark’s self-assurance helped her to perceive the tabloid aggression and celebrity weirdness as baffling rather than distorting. She was too classy to run with my suggestion that attending that Taylor Swift 4th of July party must’ve been an interesting anthropological study. “That was, I think, in the midst of a game of Celebrity,” she said of a photo of her wearing the same stars ’n’ stripes onesie as Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss, and Ruby Rose. She took a long pause. “I was very bad at it!”


From left: Cara Delevingne and Annie Clark
Schiller Graphics


But she was disturbed by dangerous high-speed car chases from paparazzi in pursuit of photos of the couple; she thinks the gossip industrial complex relates to a wider societal disparity. “The biggest problem was that the value system of it is all based on aspiration,” she said with genuine concern. “It’s wealth aspiration, fame aspiration. But if the government, if the world was just generally a more compassionate, empathetic place, people wouldn’t be aspiring to…that. They would be more fulfilled with their own lives if the wealth gap in general wasn’t so insane.” Admittedly, it was hard not to want to look at them, in matching sharp suits and laser-cut Burberry, queering the archetype of the male rock star dating the young supermodel, watching the context around an established artist mutate in front of you.

There is the kind of halfway-benign personal invasion where paparazzi follow you and your girlfriend around an airport. But then there is the kind where the never-not-creepy Daily Mail doorsteps your older sister at home in Texas and calls up your well-meaning uncle to sandbag him into revealing that your father went to prison in 2010 for participating in multimillion-dollar stock fraud. Although it is grotesque to treat the paper’s muckraking as a puzzle piece, it did illuminate part of the story behind Strange Mercy, which Clark had — understandably — only ever vaguely attributed to an overwhelming period of loss. “Suitcase of cash in the back of my stick shift,” she sang on “Year of the Tiger.” “I had to be the best of the bourgeoisie / Now my kingdom for a cup of coffee.” (She cowrote the song with her mother, Sharon, who split from Clark’s father when she was three.)

“Everybody has their personal tragedies and their crosses to bear,” Clark said in a clipped tone. She calls her father’s 12-year prison sentence “a horrible tragedy. On so many different levels. So absolutely heartbreaking.” She — an adult — could handle it. But her younger half- and stepsiblings on her father’s side are still teenagers. “And I specifically would never talk about that or have ever mentioned that in a myriad of questions about Strange Mercy because it seems like an incredible betrayal of my family. But most specifically, my youngest siblings who are innocent children. They were kiddos.”

She described the Daily Mail story as “faux concern,” and reiterated that the paper couldn’t find any dirt on her, no matter how outrageously they tried. “I’m not ashamed of my family,” she said. Then I asked her whether her father going to prison had spun her own moral compass, or made her reconsider any values of right and wrong that he may have instilled in her. She was momentarily confused, and then let rip a massive, absurd, demonstrative laugh. She kept going. “I love my father,” she said eventually, still tickled. “I love my father very much, as any child loves their parent. He’s very intelligent and erudite and a good writer and incredibly well read, and those are all things that I value and I’m glad that he instilled in me.” She paused, and kept on laughing.

In the run-up to announcing Masseduction, Clark was Instagramming absurdist junket-styled videos, in which she wears a hot pink skirt and a transparent rubber top the color of ash, and takes questions from an off-screen interviewer. Her answers were scripted by the musician and comedian Carrie Brownstein, who is also her ex-girlfriend. One video poses the question of whether Annie Clark and St. Vincent are the same person. She pauses to consider. “Honestly, you’d have to ask her.” What’s it like being a woman in music? “Good question,” she muses, as the camera zooms to her black and yellow fingernails, which spell out “FUCK OFFF.”

These films might factor into her upcoming tour, but the answers were also written for journalists. Earlier in July, in London, Clark found alternative ways to conduct interviews for hours at a time. She invited some female journalists to get massages with her (too weird with men, even though she was face-down on the table the whole time, avoiding eye contact). Other writers were invited into a 10-by-10-foot pink wooden box that was constructed in a North London studio especially for the occasion. Her interrogators had to duck through a low door to enter the blacklit space. “Not full-on crawl, because that’s a little heavy-handed,” she clarified. Inside, she looped a pedal steel recording and lit a Diptyque candle that struggled to mask the paint fumes.



St. Vincent / Via Instagram

If anyone asked her an obvious question — like where the name St. Vincent came from — she planned to play prerecorded answers and “check my email, or stretch, or zone out for a second,” she said, sounding almost disappointed that she didn’t get a chance to enact her schemes. She insisted she wasn’t being antagonistic. But sitting opposite Annie Clark for two hours is often intimidating enough without the added fear that she’s about to make fun of you to your face: It is a gigantic power play! “Oh, deeply so,” she said, affecting a wryly elegant tone. “But then also not at all because I was the insane person stuck in a box for eight hours!”

If critics and fans are bored of this sort of thing — see Arcade Fire’s recent album campaign — they are clearly not as tired as the artists who have to smile politely at writers who don’t know how to use Google. Plus, Arcade Fire’s hijinks felt cynical; Clark’s feels like a rejection of the idea that women artists are meant to be relatable, having endured a career’s worth of inane juxtapositions between her pretty face and gnarly shredding like it means anything.

The point, she said, was that putting ourselves in a totally different, slightly strange context can produce interesting results. (She and I were meant to do Pilates together — before an oversold class spared me the indignity.) Why not make everything thoughtful and curated? If the stakes are already high, why not aim even higher and put yourself in extreme circumstances to see what happens? If Clark has done two things for the cerebral indie-rock world that she’s long outstripped, it’s teach about sex (thank god), and expose its low-risk complacency for a con.


Nedda Afsari

Of course, in some people’s eyes, this makes her a phony, a manipulator. Earlier this year, legendary cultural critic Greil Marcus wrote an admirably dim-witted column for Pitchfork where he compared Clark to the slippery Father John Misty, aka Josh Tillman, claiming that they “perform as artists of such pretentiousness you couldn’t possibly figure out how to talk to them. … There’s no way to address a saint: To be a saint you have to be dead … Such characters allow themselves to appear as if touched by God, which is what they’re selling, and laugh at you if you’re so square not to know who they really are: to join their club.”

If Marcus had read any of the million interviews that Clark is parodying in her high-concept clips, he would know the name is rooted in humiliation and squalor — the hospital where Dylan Thomas died — rather than divine aspiration. “And I have never, nor would I ever, put the kind of trapdoors and booby traps in my music to make the listener feel dumb,” Clark told me in response to Marcus’s theories. “I have enough hubris not to kill myself, but I actually have such a deep respect for the listener that I have never tried to pander. Songs and arrangements were complex and convoluted at times, but they were sincere attempts at connecting.”

She hoped there will be no mistaking her intent with her new record, which “is so first-person and sad.” But if anyone does, she knows it’s not her job to correct them.


A still from the “New York” music video.
Alex Da Carte


A still from the “New York” music video. If you want to use Masseduction as a treasure map, then this is what it tells us about Annie Clark’s personal life. She experienced a complicated kind of heartbreak. Sometimes that makes her crazy and neurotic: “I won’t cry wolf in the kitchen,” she swears on woozy opener “Hang on Me,” but threatens to jump off her roof “just to punish you” on the vengeful, cracked opera of “Smoking Section,” the last song. Sometimes a mental safety net stretches out when she might otherwise get hurt. “Slip my hand from your hand / Leave you dancing with a ghost,” she sings on “Slow Disco,” the most tender song she’s ever written. “Don’t it beat a slow dance to death?” a forlorn and disembodied voice repeats as it fades out.

Her world is changing, and that’s unsettling. “Too few of our old crew left on Astor,” she sings on “New York,” a song about lost heroes. On “Fear the Future,” she belts the title as the song reaches a pyrotechnic cataclysm that sounds like a truckload of fireworks being dumped inside a volcano.

But if you respond in kind to Clark’s vulnerability, then these are the more meaningful revelations that we can take from Masseduction into our lives: Relatability is a crock, and sincerity doesn’t take a single form. “I refuse to seem less threatening, if that’s how I’m perceived,” said Clark. “Ultimate freedom is not caring whether you are liked, because you are making something you really love and believe in.” On Masseduction Clark tells us that all the good forms of desire — love, sex, art — are self-destructive. But at their best, they create just that little bit more than they consume, and can eventually alchemize anxiety into total power.

anonymous asked:

i wanna hear all about the cursed child when you finish it haha i've only seen spoilers so far but oh boy lol

ALL THE SPOILERS ARE TRUE AND JUST AS ABJECTLY RIDICULOUS IN CONTEXT AS THEY SOUND OUT OF CONTEXT, H O W E V E R, ALL THE SPOILERS NEGLECTED TO MENTION THAT: 

a) everything Scorpius Malfoy says and does will make you want to strap on armour and charge into battle for love of him, 

b) one of Scorpius’s first lines is ‘I’ve always regarded the Pepper Imp as the king of the confectionary bag’, which renders the whole Everyone Thinks Scorpius Is Voldemort’s Son subplot/mystery UTTERLY UNNECESSARY because OF COURSE THIS RIDICULOUS CHILD IS THE FRUIT OF DRACO MALFOY’S LOINS, 

c) Draco gets some weighty shit to say/is just Redemption Arc AF all the way through, so 

d) HAZ AND DRAZ MAKE FRIENDS and 

e) Draco gets to join The Gang for World-Saving Hijinks, which means 

f) some scenes are DRARRY AF AS FUCK, but mainly 

g) everything about this play will make you Team Malfoy Forever, holy shit, like, wtf, 

h) at one point Harry and Draco are duelling and Draco goes ‘Keep up, old man’ and Harry’s like ‘WE’RE THE SAME AGE, DRACO’ which made me laugh so hard I had to put the book down for a good five minutes, 

i) it also bears mentioning that RON AND HERMIONE ARE IN LOVE IN EVERY TIMELINE, god bless @whoever the hell wrote this thing, 

j) speaking of whoever wrote this thing, they took the whole ‘Harry couldn’t really hear the commentary during the first Triwizard Task very well from his position in the Champions’ Tent’ and handed us Ludo Bagman yelling DOG DIGGITY, CEDRIC DIGGORY, YOU ARE A DOGGY DYNAMO! which I will be forever thankful for, 

k) Albus and Scorpius make their great escape off the Hogwarts Express while it’s in motion and the trolley witch turns into a terrifying Immortal Guardian of the Train and hurls explosive pasties at them, while casually dropping into the admittedly weird conversation that Fred’n’George and the Marauders all tried to get off the train while it was moving, EMPHASIS ON ‘TRIED’, 

l) turns out my SCORP LAD WOT LAD “joke” was completely inaccurate as, world-ending and illegal shenanigans aside, Scorpius and Albus are BORING NERDS, but 

m) their entire relationship is a personification of the ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining’ text post, and 

n) I am 100% positive that by the time they turn 16 they will be Experimenting and Laughing It Off while also Staring Wistfully At Each Other While The Other One’s Not Paying Attention, because oh my god, they are completely smitten with each other, LITERALLY, 

o) when plot things happen and Harry won’t let them see each other anymore, there’s an ENTIRE MONTAGE of them being DESOLATE AND DISTRAUGHT, the word “heartbroken” is used about both of them, Draco bursts into Harry and Ginny’s house like ‘MY SON IS IN TEARS POTTER, WTF’, it’s all very Fraught and Forbidden Romance-y, and when they’re allowed to be friends again they’re like ‘you’re… the best person I know… you… make me stronger…’ ‘…!! … that’s so nice… I didn’t like my life without you in it… !!!’ and then Albus tells Scorpius he’s kind from the depths of his belly to the tips of his fingers which is the most ROMANTIC SHIT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE, ALBUS POTTER GOT GAME SON, but anyway, they’re in love, fight me, WHAT ELSE? 

p) Harry does all the cooking, 

q) Draco gets excited about a farmer’s market, 

r) Ron is the fucking best person on planet earth, probably, 

s) Harry and Draco burst into Slytherin and try to get up to the dormitory to find Albus and Scorpius and this one kid is yelling at them like ‘PARENTS AREN’T ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE COMMON ROOMS WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF-’ and McGonagall just appears and says ‘Please don’t be tiresome, Craig’ and honestly if I was Craig I’d never show my face again, 

t) I forgot to mention that in the weird Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU Scorpius gets to talk to Snape and blah blah blah plot Snape is giving him a pep talk like ‘Think about Albus. You’re giving up your kingdom for Albus, right? One person. All it takes is one person.’ which is just… indescribably romo, and 

u) in the Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU dark Draco Malfoy is still better at dadding than regular timeline Harry Potter, which I don’t think any of us saw coming, 

v) Harry asks Draco what he wanted to do as a grown-up when he was a kid and Draco says ‘Quidditch. But I wasn’t good enough. Mainly I wanted to be happy.’ which is honestly just fucking savage and I can’t believe I lived through it, ALSO I had to read the line ‘It is exceptionally lonely, being Draco Malfoy’ with my own eyes, so I’m taking tomorrow off work, 

w) this incredibly soul-baring and candid convo comes on the heels of HARRY COMING FOR DUMBLEDORE(’S PORTRAIT) ABOUT HOW DUMBLEDORE TREATED HARRY AND I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE. he yells at Dumbledore until Dumbledore is LITERALLY WEEPING. I don’t even want to tell you what he says because you all need to experience that moment of cleansing rightness in your lives, 

x) despite all the batshit plot things, the play actually deals with all the characters’ traumas FAR BETTER than the series ever did. we get actual GINNY and TOM RIDDLE shit in this play guys! it gets talked about! how it affected Ginny gets talked about! Harry has nightmares! Harry vents his feelings! Draco tells Harry about how alone he felt and how that sent him to such a bad place! Draco, Ginny and Harry understand each other and bond over shared trauma! who the fuck expected this! not fucking me! 

y) I was emotional as hell throughout because I’m nothing if not dramatic but there’s a bit towards the very end involving HAGRID, THE BEST DUDE, that legit made me sob my little heart out from the agony of two decades’ worth of accumulated feelings about this series, 

 z) so yeah. Harry has to watch his parents die because Albus is a rebellious little emo gobshite who got a crush on a live-action DeviantArt OC from 2005 called Delphi who has silvery-blue hair and is secretly Voldemort and Bellatrix’s lovechild, BUT WHO CARES, I FUCKING LOVE HARRY POTTER AND I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE READING THIS OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED CRACKFIC, 10/10, WOULD EXPERIENCE PURE JOY AGAIN!!!!!

Coffee Shop Rescue IV

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1340

Summary: You’re enjoying your time with Peter, and start making connections. (I’m so so sorry this has taken so long. I just graduated college and had to move and I’m working on finding a job, and I got a one week job at a summer camp, and I got rear-ended, and yeah, life has been hectic, but I’ve missed this story so much! And mostly I miss you all! But I also wrote myself into a corner that I just figured out how to get out of, so here it goes…)

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3


You learned a lot about Peter over the following weeks. He was right - he was a nerd, absolutely, but so were you, just about different things. He knew photography and science, you knew literature and grammar. The common ground came to movies and tv shows, which you were both pleased to find out you had a lot in common on that front. You were more into Star Wars while he preferred Star Trek, and he liked Narnia to your Lord of the Rings, but you both loved Harry Potter possibly more than should be considered reasonable (and were both able to realize that Snape is a controversial character but not exactly a good one, which was the most important thing in regards to that fandom). You could debate the two for hours - and had - without actually getting angry at each other.

T.V. was a little different, neither of you had much to get heavily involved in shows, but you were still clinging to the ones you’d had time for in college. Peter, on the other hand, tended to jump between shows sporadically.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Can you explain the Lily and James being in hiding thing please?

Oh, boy.  I will try.

This, as far as I can tell, is the canon timeline.(Please correct me if I’ve missed something, alright?)

Harry was born on July 31st, 1980. We don’t know if he was a few weeks early, a few weeks late, or right on time, so his conception date is somewhere between mid-October to mid-November 1979 (conception date for a baby actually due on July 31st is November 7th). They definitely thought Harry would qualify for the prophecy, so his due date had to be within that time frame…

For the longest time, we all thought that James and Lily had gone into hiding one week before the Fidelius charm is cast, in late October, 1981, as is mentioned in PoA. This makes sense until we talk about the prophecy in later books. Whether JK didn’t take this into account when she wrote PoA or not, I don’t know, but it seems likely.

Sybill Trelawney’s first prophecy was made in 1980-best as we can tell, early 1980. Dumbledore gives us a closer approximation of the time when he says, ”On a cold, wet night sixteen years ago, in a room above a bar at the Hog’s Head Inn…” (OotP, 37) Working backwards, it’s 1980, cold & wet implies early spring. Also, the prophecy tells us that the baby approaches, so she is pregnant when the prophecy is made.

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches … born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies … and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not … and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives … the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies …

Dumbledore tells Harry in OotP “‘As you and your friends found out to your cost, and I to mine that night, it is a place where it is never safe to assume you are not being overheard. Of course, I had not dreamed, when I set out to meet Sibyll Trelawney, that I would hear anything worth overhearing. My-our-one stroke of good fortune was that the eavesdropper was detected only a short way into the prophecy and thrown from the building.’ ‘So he only heard…?’ ‘He heard only the first part, the part foretelling the birth of a boy in July to parents who had thrice defied Voldemort. Consequently, he could not warn his master that to attack you would be ti risk transferring power to you…’

Here, we find out that someone overheard the prophecy-a follower of Voldemort’s-which is how Voldemort finds out about it at all.

The story picks up in the Prince’s Tale, ch 33/DH..
“Harry seemed to fly through shifting shapes and colors until his surroundings solidified again and he stood on a hilltop, forlorn and cold in the darkness, the wind whistling through the branches of a few leafless trees….”

Here, we are given the same picture, that it’s still cold, that it’s forlorn, It’s very windy, and the trees are mostly leafless. Early spring, right? Certainly not summer, when the leaves would be full, when it would be warm. And it could be fall, but that doesn’t hold water with what we’re told later.

“‘Well, Severus, What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?’
‘No-no message-I’m here on my own account!’
Snape was wringing his hands: He looked a little mad…
‘What request could a Death Eater make of me?’
‘The-the prophecy…the prediction…Trelawney…’
‘Ah, yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?’
‘Everything-everything I heard!’ said Snape. ‘That is why-it is for that reason-he thinks it means Lily Evans!’
‘The prophecy does not refer to a woman,’ said Dumbledore. ‘It spoke of a boy born at the end of July…’
‘You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down-kill them all-’
'If she means so much to you,’ said Dumbledore, 'surely Lord Voldemort will spare her?’ Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?’
'I have-I have asked him-’
'You disgust me,’ said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little. 'You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?’
Snape said nothing, but merely looked up at Dumbledore.
'Hide them all, then,’ he croaked. 'Keep her-them-safe. Please.’
'And what will you give me in return, Severus?’
'In-in return?’ Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, 'Anything.'”

So…Snape told Voldemort everything, Voldemort thought it meant the Potters and was going to come after them. My problem with this, in terms of the timeline JK sets up for us-that it all happened while she was pregnant-because it mentions that they have a son, two or three times, implying that she’s already given birth.

However, Snape wouldn’t sit on this information, right? He would tell Voldemort about the prophecy immediately. And Voldemort wouldn’t sit on knowledge like this, he would decide a course of action-who to go after-immediately. For me, logically, it does stand to reason that the prophecy, Snape telling Voldemort about the prophecy, Voldemort deciding it was the Potters, and Snape coming to warn Dumbledore all happened within a very short period of time.

JK gives an interview in 2007, in which she gives some clarification as to her intentions for Lily and James and when they went into hiding:

So that’s what they did, they left school. James has gold, enough to support Sirius and Lily. So I suppose they lived off a private income. But they were full-time fighters, that’s what they did, until Lily fell pregnant with Harry. So then they went into hiding.

She doesn’t say that they go into hiding when Harry was born, or after, but when Lily was still pregnant. This is further confirmed by Lily’s letter to Padfoot, which establishes that during Harry’s first birthday in July, they’d been in hiding for quite some time.

Are there a few gaps in this? Yes. But JK has written this amazing, intricate series and this-timelines, it’s her biggest flaw. That there are a few holes in not the least bit surprising.

She does give us the confirmation that they went into hiding while she was pregnant, and as it’s the same interview where she tells us Dumbledore was gay, that Neville marries Hannah Abbot, and those are widely accepted as canon, I think we ought to consider this canon as well.

to summarize:

1977-1978-Lily & James get together, possibly defy Voldemort once
1978-1979-Lily & James get married, fight full time in the Order, narrowly escape Voldemort three times
Oct-Nov 1979-Harry is conceived
early 1980-prophecy is made
early 1980-prophecy is told to Voldemort, who decides to go after the Potters
early 1980-Snape warns Dumbledore
early 1980-the Potters go into hiding, presumably at Godric’s Hollow, which (my headcanon, is a place that Dumbledore found for them, since it is his neighborhood, so to speak, and he would be familiar with it)
July 1980-Harry is born
October 1981-Fidelius charm is cast
October 31, 1981-dead

I hope that this has been helpful and not a rambling mess.

Rereading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Chapter Twenty-Seven - Padfoot Returns

One of the best things about the aftermath of the second task was that everybody was very keen to hear details of what had happened down in the lake, which meant that Ron was getting to share Harry’s limelight for once.

FINALLY. happy 4 u bb

- loling at ron changing the story tho; we shouldnt have expected anything else

People had been teasing her so much about being the thing that Viktor Krum would most miss that she was in a rather tetchy mood.

OWN IT GIRL. 

- HAHAHA omg rita skeeter just wrote an article basically saying hermione has an itch that harry can’t scratch alone - she needs viktor too and im just dyyyyying. im here for it only because its hilarious.

“I told you!” Ron hissed at Hermione as she stared down at the article. “I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She’s made you out to be some sort of - of scarlet woman!”
Hermione stopped looking astonished and snorted with laughter. “Scarlet woman?” she repeated, shaking with suppressed giggles as she looked around at Ron.
“It’s what my mum calls them,” Ron muttered, his ears going red.

hahahahahah oh my fucking god this chapter is starting off RIGHT guys ive been deceased for the past 4 pages I cant.

- omg guys rons got the hots for hermione SO BAD and he doesnt even know it yet. hermione’s like ‘wtf how did rita know that viktor wants me to visit him and that he totally luvs me?’ and rons just like ‘BUT WHAT’D U SAY BACK THO?’ over and over again and i cant.

- ah yes, here comes that great part of the chapter when SNAPE IS THE BIGGEST DOUCHE EVER. hes now reading the article in front of the whole class like paaaainfully slow. whatta dick. but we already knew that. 

“All this press attention seems to have inflated your already over-large head, Potter,” said Snape quietly, once the rest of the class had settled down again.
Harry didn’t answer. He knew Snape was trying to provoke him; he had done this before. No doubt he was hoping for an excuse to take a round fifty points from Gryffindor before the end of class.

bro. you are a GROWN ASS ADULT. why are you trying to start fights with a 14 year old kid? like??????

- lol snape is threatening harry with veritaserum and the only thing harrys worried about is accidently telling snape he likes cho. 

- karkaroff has NO chill. he just busted into potions class and showed snape his dark mark like UM HELLO YOU CANT DO THAT DUDE there are children in the room

- how funny would it be if this dog the trio is chasing through hogsmeade wasn’t actually sirius lol

- WHATS UP BUCKBEAK missed u homie

Sirius shook his head and said, “She’s go the measure of Crouch better than you have, Ron. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

i seriously love this quote but its kinda fucked considering how sirius treats kreacher. BUT IM JUST SAYIN.

- sirius is laying it out for the trio about what it was like to live during voldemorts first reign and shits getting REAL yall

- also sirius fills us in on how FUCKING LOONEY crouch was during that time - just throwing people in jail and shit without a trail. 

- whoa guys im having a senior moment here and cannot for the life of me remember how barty crouch jr got out of azkaban…sirius says he died in there but I CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING omg this is actually kinda exciting lol its like reading this book again for the first time

- soo snuffles if officially a thing now

“Percy would never throw any of his family to the dementors,” said Hermione severely. 
“I don’t know,” said Ron. “If he thought we were standing in the way of his career…Percy’s really ambitious, you know…”

YOU DONT EVEN KNOW GUYS. JUST WAIT.

welp if you liked this, follow me for more chapters!