alos

When I did the first chapter(?) of TMC, I had already started on the second part…which was the morning after.

Here’s a preview of what I was gonna work on.

Fun Fact: Usually it takes me a bit to make the people I want to fall in love which each other, but as for my simself and Snowden it was almost too easy. After about 3 interactions we both rolled kiss wishes for each other. (and Snowden wanted to watch the stars with me.)

2

There’s so much that happened to Joan in this episode. She got kidnapped, she pulled off a trauma surgery with vodka and a box cutter. She didn’t become the damsel in distress. She helped her captor in a heartbeat - because she is a doctor first. And during the whole ‘exchange’ process, she kept her calm.

But then the guy she tries to save gets brutally shot to death. Joan thinks she has failed as a doctor and a detective. Then comes the whole Mycroft act, and he says there’s a great deal he needs to tell her. And Joan perhaps wonders whether she has failed as a person too, fallen prey to this man’s deceit. I have never seen Joan Watson so afraid, so broken and so unsure of herself. There has to be repercussions, there has to be an addressing of what Joan is going through…

A Sun in Lily's Stomach

For prongslilys because i read tags and i love hers

//

Sometimes, if you screw up your eyes and breathe through your nose, you can remember a lot of green.

Remus says that was the colour of the other car, but you felt like it’s something more. It’s as if your eyes exploded, dripping down your face and into your mouth because there is a taste in it too, almost metallic. Then again, that might just have just been the blood.

But thinking about the accident makes your head hurt, so you try not to, because your head hurts enough already. You tell Sirius this and he gives you the weirdest look, then climbs beside you and asks if you want to watch Four Weddings and a Funeral again. You say yes of course, because Four Weddings and a Funeral is the greatest movie of all time, next to Die Hard, of course.

You watched Die Hard for the first time with James on your forth day here, but of course, it wasn’t really your first time, it was After Lily’s first time.

That’s how you separate the accident. There is Before Lily, who married at eighteen, was in medical school, had dead parents and liked to make charts. Before Lily didn’t like swearing at strangers, was going through a divorce and living with her older sister that she used to hate. Before Lily read thick medical journals, liked curry and had seven day planners on her phone.

Now there is After Lily. The Lily you are now, amnesia patient number #65248, who doesn’t brush her hair and is actually quite good at Candy Crush. After Lily doesn’t like hospital jelly, watches 90’s movies and laughs at bad puns made by her almost-ex-husband. After Lily types naughty words on the calculator with Sirius and has four tablespoons of sugar in her coffee that Remus brings her from the shop on the corner. After Lily remembers nothing of her twenty-one years up until six weeks ago, when she went hurtling through her car windshield after being hit by a drunk driver.

Petunia tries to get you to press charges, standing over you when you had just woken up with her pinched face and painfully brown dress, demanding a lawyer. But you weren’t interested in suing; you just wanted to know who everyone was and why people kept yelling. Petunia did a lot of yelling when she used to come and visit, she yelled at the hospital staff for calling James about the accident before her, she yelled at the medical school on the phone when they retracted your scholarship, she yelled at James about the divorce papers, she yelled at you when you told her to leave. You don’t like it when people bring up the almost-divorce around James; his face changes like he’s just been kicked in the stomach. That look makes your chest ache.

He is the first real thing you can remember.

When you first woke up you saw him, sleeping in the chair next to your bed, scruff on his jaw and long limbs stretched haphazardly across the floor. You remember a guy next to him with long black hair who was doing the crossword and yelling for someone called Remus to hurry up with the coffee. You remember the guy you now know as Remus dropping the paper cups when he saw your open eyes. You remember Sirius yelling for a nurse and James staring at you so hard, like he thought if he looked away you might disappear.

The day after that James brought you an assortment of lollies, so you could see which one was your favourite (Jelly babies, but the Before Lily’s was Marshmallows). He brings you books of every kind and reads aloud like you are five years old, both of you squished  on the tiny bed. You watch action movies and yell at the characters until the nurse comes over and tells you off. He teaches you how to play chess until he realises he doesn’t actually know how to play that well, so you end up watching YouTube tutorials about it instead. You show him how to use this great new website you found called Pinterest which he becomes totally obsessed with, so you and Sirius have to stage an intervention and delete the app off his phone while James looked on, almost tearful.

Sirius comes to visit nearly every second day and he brings great chick flicks that James won’t go near. You both cried during Marley and Me and he held your hand and squeezed it so hard your fingers popped. He tried to make you an origami swan but gave up when the paper was covered in blood from his own paper cuts, you laughed when he threw the paper at the wall. Sirius has a big laugh and winks a lot. He brings you Burger King and tells you about your parent’s death first. It is easy with Sirius, and you miss him when he can’t come by.

Remus comes in as often as he can, but he’s a hot shot law student and has a lot of papers to study for, which you try and help him with, but his flash cards are harder to read than the  fucking medical journals so you stop. He brings you good coffee and tells you about the world and everything you’d forgotten, quizzes you on American Presidents and Shakespeare. He lends you his iPod which is full of hard core rock and you play air guitar with him on your bed until the nurse comes over and loses it, because it’s the third time this week and “IF YOU DON’T STOP THAT I’M THROWING YOU OUT ON YOUR ASSES, BOTH OF YOU”. When you have one of your bad days, he holds your hand and talks about the one time he got bitten by a goose at a park when he was five until you are laughing so hard you almost forget that your brain is mess in your head. Remus teaches you how to knit, which is surprisingly enjoyable. He brings you watercolors so you can paint more, which is lovely, because drawing and painting is something your fingers remember without your brain having to.

James wheels you around the halls in a hospital wheelchair and you scream and tell him to go faster so he does. You take a cup and put apple juice in it, and when James drinks out of it you tell him that was your pee sample for the nurse and he spits it all over himself and frantically starts wiping his mouth with his shirt, while you lose your mind laughing. You and he start a competition to see who can start the best hospital rumor and he wins when he tells everyone that Doctor Abernathy used to be royalty until he was thrown out for setting free his family’s private elephant circus. When you have one of you bad days, when your brain is turning to a bloody pulp and leaking out of your ears he turns off all the lights and holds your hands and traces shapes on them with his long fingers. In the hospital suggestion box he puts in ten pieces of paper saying ‘some drinking games’ while you suggest ‘more wild ragers’. When you watch Game of Thrones you take bets on who will die next.  

When he leaves, late at night, you go through Facebook albums with titles like ‘SIRIUS GETS A MOTORBIKE AND LEGIT CRIES’ and ‘MOONY GETS INTO LAW SCHOOL AND WE ALL LEGIT CRY’. You scroll through videos on Sirius’s phone that have flashes of your smiling face, a tan arm around your shoulder. The older photos are your favourite; they have your hair taking up nearly the whole frame while James sticks his tongue out at the camera, being piss drunk and being held up by Remus, arm wrestling Sirius, trying to give James a piggy back, all with your mouth open and happiness pouring from your throat.

The older photos are more serious, you, staring unsmiling at the camera, James glaring at you, Remus looking uncomfortable, Sirius laughing and you in the midst of telling him to shut up because you’re working. The old photos show the Lily who was getting a divorce and who was stressed about school. You don’t look at those photos very often. Your wedding ones are the best. James in jeans and white t-shirt, you in a sundress holding a bunch of drooping daisies looking like the sun is under your stomach. You were eighteen and it was two a.m., Sirius told you he signed the marriage certificate with your best lipstick because no one could find a pen.

But the divorce. That’s what bothers you the most. That none of them would even be here if you weren’t still tied to him, a liability, something he didn’t want. It plagues you, bangs against your temple until you blurt the words out at James one night after you finish playing Uno. It’s the first time you see him get angry, really angry. He goes really red, jumps up and starts pacing

“That is the stupidest thing- no. No. That is- how could you even- no. Stop. I never even wanted-“

He stops abruptly then, falling back into his chair and giving you that look he had given you when you had first woken up, the one that makes you feel like he is trying to anchor you here, make sure you don’t disappear into your own head again.

“Lily, don’t ever say stuff like that, okay?”

You nod. Then suggest you play strip poker.

He laughs.

The worst day though, was learning about the blonde boy. The one that was in your wedding and that you are hugging in so many photos. He is in nearly every shot, and you don’t understand why he has never visited, or why the other guys don’t talk about him even though he looks like their brother, someone they punched on the arm and gave joke Christmas presents too. It is James  who has to explain, explain that Peter- the blonde boy who gave you a necklace for your seventeenth and bought you your first legal drink- hit you that night when he was driving drunk, rammed his green Toyota right into you when he was driving in the wrong lane. James looks like he’s choking when he says it, like suddenly there is not enough air in the whole room to fill his cracking lungs. You lean your head on his shoulder because he looks like he might disintegrate and you have to hold him there, you need him, you need him here.

When he falls asleep you draw things on his hands with the sharpies he bought you and look through more old Facebook albums named ‘WE GOT MARRIED BITCHES’ and ‘ALERT: JAMES POTTER IS OFFICIALLY ALLOWED TO DO WHAT HE’S BEEN DOING ILLEGLLY FOR YEARS: DRINK’. You fall asleep smiling and with James’s head on your stomach.

You have a secret though, something you can’t tell even James about because you’re not sure if he would get it. Here it is: You don’t mind being After Lily. You don’t care about your memories before right now, they aren’t coming back, and you know it in your limbs. Before Lily became hard edged and stressed, she wanted a divorce and to live with her pushy sister. Before Lily had the weight of a universe on her shoulders. After Lily has wheel chair rides and old 90’s movies, she has jelly babies and On the Jellicoe Road. After Lily likes to swear and do scary eye makeup. After Lily has Sirius and Remus. After Lily has James. You don’t want anything before this; you can’t remember it so it’s easy not to miss it.

But you do miss him when he leaves; miss his long fingers with your smudged sharpie on them, ache for his loud laugh and shitty puns. You miss his jaw stubble and his voice; miss the way his eyes look at you and the feel of his sharp elbow against yours. But he will come back, and when he does, strolling through that door and collapsing onto your bed, you will feel as though the world is full of stars.

(Because that’s the thing about After Lily, she has the universes in her veins instead of on her shoulders)