almostayearandahalf

Why

Why do I love him so much? I love him so much that because I can’t be with him I’ve just stopped believing in love. It’s easier to believe that love simply doesn’t exist than to accept that we can’t be together. I know I was the one who ended it but…I had to. I had been hurting for so long and I really wanted to stop hurting and I was trying so hard to not be hurt and to be a good girlfriend and to love him and still be happy. He made me happy but I guess right now being happy with him wasn’t enough to drown out the pain of his life. I just miss him so much. I feel like I can’t breathe. Everything I do just reminds me of him and if it doesn’t well…it just makes me feel guilty that I’m not thinking about him. 

All I wanted was this freedom. The freedom to choose and not have to make any exceptions and just be me without any bounds. Now that I have this freedom I can’t appreciate it. Everything is forced and fake and numb. 

All I want is to go back but I know I’ll end up hating myself if I do because if I go back I’ll be giving up on my decision that I made. Although, that decision that I made to leave was also giving up but I felt like I’d been the only one trying for so long and then eventually I had to stop trying to reach him and then…when I let go he finally fucking realized that he was losing me and he should try, too. He told me himself that he hadn’t known how I’d been for months. 

I know he feels bad and I feel bad that he feels bad because I feel like it’s my fault. Everything is my fault.