all-that-is

THE SIGNS AS THINGS I'VE SAID BEFORE
  • Aries: People hold hands? Psh I can't relate, I throw hands like a real man.
  • Taurus: [puts on fake glasses] It's time to read some hoes.
  • Gemini: Me actually liking someone? Sounds fake, I just like the validation that I'm not complete trash.
  • Cancer: I'm internally screaming right now because the one day I decide to wear makeup I keep crying. My eyelashes are clumping together and I cannot. I refuse.
  • Leo: Do you ever see the sun and you're like ... Man, I'd love to punch it because same. I want to punch the sun so hard. My only chance to be fist-kissed by a hottie.
  • Virgo: I feel bad that I don't recycle. I just can't be inspired to do it because I still feel terrible about life after doing so. [throws water bottle in recycling bin] Oh look, I still have depression!
  • Libra: I want to have a flowery aesthetic... I need a group of friends that are always willing to take pictures of frolicking through flower fields.
  • Scorpio: I love the fact that no one really knows anything about me, but it also makes me kind of sad at the same time. What is my legacy besides being the mysterious and hot one?
  • Sagittarius: The only person in this world who will never break my heart is education connection lady. She's still in 2009 singing about her education experience and I refuse to believe anything different.
  • Capricorn: I've spent 10 hours of my life listening to the education connection song. If I don't make it to college, then I may as well just die.
  • Aquarius: Other people around me are always like "I LOVE YOU! OMG, I LOVE YOU!" Meanwhile I'm just eating my imaginary popcorn thinking about how much I hate everyone.
  • Pisces: I'm eating five hour old chicken nuggets and I'm sad. I don't think I'll finish them... I have to throw them away... This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life.

The party was in a cave fighting several enemies while a portal constantly spawned more


Bard: “I’m gonna roll to seduce the gore pile”
DM: “They’re immune to charm”
Bard: “I’m gonna roll to kiss the gore pile”
DM: “That would literally kill you”
Bard: “Fine, fine. I’m gonna roll to air-kiss the gore pile”

The Types and Drinking Water

ENFP: Drinks from the toilet. It wasn’t even a dare or anything; they just wanted to know what it tasted like.

ENTP: “h20? More like h2-YO! Hahaha drink your water kids.”

INFP: Misses their entire mouth. Their over-sized sweater is utterly soaked, almost as if their nipples are tiny water falls. Shocked at this sudden development, they drop the glass and it shatters, covering the kitchen floor. Trying to tiptoe to safety, they carelessly slip on the water and onto the broken glass, nearly bleeding to death. As soon as they get discharged from the hospital they’re applying for an infomercial.

ESFP: Sticks their face right under the tap and desperately laps up the water like some kind of deranged and unsettlingly large house cat.

INTJ: * sips water* “ Disgusting. Tastes like licking a car. And you know why? The water we drink contains small traces of iron, zinc, copper, manganese and other metals. And you know who’s fault that is? Our inCOMPETENT GOVERNMENT.  THEY NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GET THEIR SH** TOGETHER. THEY’VE BEEN LYING TO US AS A NATION FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME AND IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE. 

See more of my conspiracy theories on my tumblr blog @anti-feminism-pro-atheism ( the one with red and black theme and the Rainbow Dash icon).”

ISFJ: Has been refusing offers of a glass of water from their friend’s parent for 10 hours now and they’re really reaching their limit. Will probably resolve to drinking their pee Bear Grylls style.

ESTP: Kicks off the faucet, throws it through the window, screams, and lets the broken faucet drench them all the way from their flat peak cap to their $400 basketball shoes, their perfect abs showing through their wet t-shirt. Uploads it to vine.

INTP: * aggressively sips water through a Krazy Straw* SUCC  ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ) 

ENFJ: *Makes it into Fit Tea™* “ This flattened my stomach, cleared my skin, watered my crops, improved my grades, brought Shakespeare back from the dead, got my parents back together, stopped war, solved poverty, and it tastes like Shrek in drink form GREAT. A discount code is in the description, guys! :D.”

ENTJ: Drinks the tears of all those ignorant fools they destroyed in the Spelling Bee last week. 

ISTP: They’re probably chained to a pillar in some empty warehouse as a result of a drug scandal. The only sustenance they receive is a mug of muddy water brought to them by a man in an anonymous mask twice a day. Free them.

INFJ: “Is this vegan?”

ISFP: Drinks the morning dew off the tulips and honeysuckle. It may sound whimsical in theory, but in reality seeing grown adult desperately licking wet grass and flowers in the town park is a rather unsettling experience. 

ESFJ: “Umm, tap water? No thanks. I only drink from my $20000 ultra healing magical energy quinoa infused crystals water filter I got off an infomercial thank you very much. The lady in the commercial says tap water gives you cancer and I trust her judgement. I even have her book, “ “vaccine” and “autisms” both haave six letter. Coinsidance? I think noot.”, wanna borrow it?”       

ISTJ: * Harry Potter Puppet Pals Snape voice* Today I drank some water for my breakfast. It was flavourless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.

ESTJ: Has one of those drink bottles with times written at different levels on the side to show you how much water you should be drinking throughout the day. It gives them a feeling of superiority knowing that their life is slightly more organised than everyone else.

anonymous asked:

Bucky I just threatened to fight the cash register at work, and it made me wonder, how do I know if I'm someone's angry smol?

well, first you must determine if you are both angry and smol. steve is still both, despite being six feet plus of “patriotic justice.” someone needs to stop that man from reading his own press coverage. 

if you are, then you gotta figure out if there’s someone who:

1. fishes your ass out of the fire after you’ve jumped in 

2. tells you youre an idiot for jumping in in the first place, because you are

3. beats up the fire because youre in way over your head

4. laughs at your injuries because you’re an idiot (see above: fire jumping)

if there is someone who meets the above criteria, you probably need to go buy them a thank-you cheeseburger. they deserve it. 

now go kick that cash register’s ass. im sure it has it coming. 

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the tazswap ipre crew!