all this time the question has been doctor who


Requested: Yo can you do an imagine where y/n and Shawn get into a car accident..And Both are hurt..But y/n is hurt bad.. Shawn’s okay but he is damn worried about her.. like there’s a lot of blood and all.. and all this from Shawn’s POV Thanks gurl ❤

Your name: submit What is this?


Originally posted by mendesforever

Shawn’s POV

“Y/n!” I shout, but she’s not responding. Her eyes are closed and she’s crumpled against the side of the car. She’s so still, too still. This can’t be happening. This can’t be fucking happening. “Y/n! Baby, wake up, talk to me.” I’m fighting to get to her, but my damn seatbelt is jammed, and the more I fight it the more my shoulder aches. I need to get to y/n, there’s glass, she’s bleeding. She’s hurt. I need to get to her.

I’m screaming for help, for someone to help y/n, because I’m stuck, and I can’t help her, and I need to know that she’s okay. Someone comes into view, squatting down to get a look into the overturned car, “Are you okay in there?” He shouts.

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crazy (for you)

bughead fanfiction - au - oneshot - sensitive themes


“Trippin’ out, Spinnin’ around
I’m underground, I fell down
Yeah, I fell down"
—Alice, Avril Lavigne

She’s not crazy.

She just has her dead sister following her around.

He doesn’t have a temper or dependency problem.

He’s just muddled his brain a little too much with the drugs he was supposed to be selling.

Jughead hears the whispers, but takes them with a grain of salt. Here at Quiet Mercy’s Treatment Center for Troubled Youths, he’s just another name on a log filled with nutters.

But when she walks in one day, blue eyes and blue sweats, he can only think of the blonde character who’d fallen down a rabbit hole and ended up in a world she wasn’t supposed to.

She’s skittish and reclusive. She’s like a diamond integrated with a pile of coal.

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Requests are open again

Originally posted by canadawaterskii

Hiya everyone!!! Requests are open again!!! Please request stuff because I love hearin your ideas!!! Now time to answer some possible questions and or thoughts!!

Your new so I won’t ask

Originally posted by pleasegivemecake

Your stories are short

Originally posted by stayclassysupernatural

You don’t post too frequently so I’m not gonna request

Originally posted by superwholockpotterhead

Do you write smut

Originally posted by sehoratyehet

Your stories should be longer

Originally posted by superwholockpotterhead

You don’t even have that much posted and already have writer’s block. That’s stupid

Originally posted by cassywinchestertheangel

 Now that that has all been cleared up I hope to hear more requests soon!! Bye luv yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Originally posted by miraculousftw

Shadowhunters 2x19 predictions

Well fellow shadowhunters, a new episode is fast approaching but before it gets here I would like to discuss what may be coming up in the next two episodes. This post is based entirely off of speculation backed up by memories of reading the books that may not be entirely accurate. This is due to the fact that most of the books were read under sleep deprivation and heat stroke but that is an entirely different story.

Anywho lets start at the beginning and work our way through. So first things first-Malec.
What on Earth is going to happen to our favourtie Shadowhunter/Warlock duo in the rest of 2b? Well as we all know Malec is endgame. That is fact. It’s also probably the only thing that has kept the malec fandom together following Mondays………..lets call it a disgreement. Regardless, Malec will get back together, but the real question is how and when. Well here are my 2 cents (or pence if you’re British), I think that Malec will get back together in the last episode of the season, so we’re gonna have to make it through 2x19 without them together (Deep breaths and ice-cream may be required). So that covers when but how? Well I don’t know if this is my hopes or my genuine belief but I think that Malec is going to have a big reunion kiss, mid-battle. We already know that they’re fighting with each other and many have theorised that the alliance rune will be used. So it would make sense that they would have some sort of reconciliation before they fight an innumerable amount of demons that could kill that at any moment (as one does).

Well that’s Malec, but according to the sypnopsis a traitor is revealed. Now the Shadowhunters already know that Sebastian is Johnathan which means we have a whole new traitor on our hands. Everyone in this show needs to stop trusting people so easily.
So who is this brand new traitor? Well lets be honest this list is somewhat endless. This show is filled to the brim with dodgy, untrustworthy people. But here’s a few candidates that seem more likely than others.
1. Ollie- Lukes new partner is definetly not to be trusted and is getting herself firmly into the shadow world and all that comes with it. Although she seems intent on finding out all about Luke and the downworld, she doesn’t seem like a traitor. If anything she’s just a bit noisy. Also I don’t want it to be her due to her excellent one liners.
2. Robert- More than likely not Robert but then again he was a member of the circle once before. That and we don’t know who his new girlfriend is, she could be anybody and he could be the inside man. But then again he’s a Lightwood, he may be a cheat but I doubt he’s a traitor.
3. Meliorn- Now we all know that you can’t trust a seelie as far as you can throw them. This makes Meliorn a serious contender for our traitor but would he really side with Valentine? A man hell bent on destroying the downworld. It doesn’t seem likely but then again, seelies aren’t anything if unpredictable.
Like I said it could be any of a number of people but at this moment in time these three stick out more than anyone else.

Last but not least, the question everyone has been asking since SDCC, who will die?
Well it’s been said that more than one person is going to die. Although Max was seen as being the number one contender, he survived his awful ordeal last week and can more than likely be seen as being safe, but the question as to who will die still stands. I would argue that a number of people die, and here’s who I think it will be
-Dot- I mean she was left alone at night in a park with a psychopathic mass murderer, chances are she’s dead already.
-Valentine- Every villian falls eventually so Valentines end might be closer than we originally thought. That and the fact literally everyone in the shadow world is trying to kill him.
-Sebastian/Johnathan- Do I think he will die? Yes. Why? Because nobody hurts a Lightwood without getting an arrow to the chest and a whip to the face.
-Jace- I mean you guys have seen the trailer right? He doesn’t look too good. If anything he looks like he’s in desperate need of a doctor, nay surgeon.
Although a whole load of people will probably die, the real question is who will stay dead? But that’s a question for another day.

Anywho, this has been my theory on a few things that we could expect for the rest of the season. There is a good possibility that all of the above is false but then again I made so many accusations that something has to be right, a broken clock is right two times a day isn’t it? Also even if it turns out I could not have been further from the truth, you never know unless you try. After all, I am only a junior shadowhunter, and this is only shadowhunting for beginners.



The Doctor has been pondering a question: have people ever been truly alone? Does something lurk unseen beside us all? With Clara at his side, the Time Lord will find himself delving into familiar pasts and eerie futures. Just where does the answer to the old man’s unanswerable question lie? Will he find the answers he’s been searching for, or will his quest cost him his life this time?
The Finale Countdown - Doctor Who Concert and Live Q&A Panel with Pearl Mackie and Steven Moffat Announced
The Finale Countdown - Doctor Who Concert and Live Q&A Panel with Pearl Mackie and Steven Moffat Announced

Sounds like Murray Gold and the BBC think World Enough and Time will have a blockbuster score! For the first time a screening of an episode will be held with live orchestral accompaniment (it’s set for the same day the episode airs on TV, June 24). Sounds cool. It’s a shame they didn’t think to do this with Heaven Sent, which also had a remarkable score.

This event also serves as a reminder that one question we haven’t had answered yet is whether Murray Gold plans to stay with Doctor Who after Moffat leaves. He’s been the show’s composer for all 10 series, has done work that rivals the best cinematic scores, and his leitmotifs for the Doctors and his companions are all classics. Plus he’s done more on-screen arrangements of the theme than anyone else in the show’s history. He’ll be missed if he moves on and the show will certainly never sound the same again. 

I do find one thing odd about the announcement about the concert. They say it’s going to be followed by a Q&A with Steven Moffat and Pearl Mackie … where’s Peter?

EDIT: It’s been pointed out that the BBC has a contest under way for free tickets to the concert in Cardiff. Check the link for details. Also, the Q&A will be live-streamed as well.

@windycarnage has this really nice comic about Will being Nico’s pharmacist and, well. my mom is a pharmacist so this is like a “if i could make being a pharmacist less boring it would be this” sorta thing. 

sorta made nico a methadone patient. methadone pharmacies are way more interesting than regular pharmacies anyway. dunno if I should continue this but consider it an intro of sorts lmao. also set in Canada bc im canadian


Nico was pretty pissed that he was evicted. So pissed, in fact, that he almost wanted to key his (then ex) landlord’s car. To be honest, he just didn’t have the energy to do anything except look through the internet for any cheap apartments that someone with thousands in student loans could afford.

There weren’t really very many, but he managed one in Brantford (lucky him), and within the week, he’s moved out and into his (sorta) new apartment.

“You’re what? I’m being evicted? I’ve been paying my rent on time, mostly, and I haven’t damaged any appliances or disrupted anyone, so-”

“It’s not that, Mr. di Angelo, it’s just that I can’t have someone with your history in this apartment building, I’m very sorry.”

“What the fuck do you mean- ‘My History’ - what ‘history’ are you referring to, exactly?”

“You know exactly what I mean. You have two weeks to get out, no extensions. Again, very sorry.”

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Survival of Nurses (who persevere)

They understand that there’s no one “right way” to do things.

They may have failed an exam, a competency, or earned a C but they kept going. Grades do not define the nurse.

They may have earned a label as “book smart” and passively made fun of by other students, but that didn’t matter. They knew there wasn’t necessarily truth to either being book smart or clinical smart only. And being a 4.0 student wasn’t anything to defend, or apologize for.

They realize that experienced nurses don’t always have the answers, doctors aren’t always right, and it’s sometimes the graduate nurse who has the better idea, or the nursing assistant who noticed when something was amiss with the patient.

They do not stop learning; regardless of certifications, years on a unit, or years in a specialty.

They evolve. They realize that change is synonymous with health care; Nurse Managers will change, policies will change, IV pumps, feeding pumps, IV catheters will change, equipment will change. Like anyone else, they will get frustrated at first, but they figure it out and just get on with it.

They don’t get stuck on unit politics. They realize it’s an impossibility to not hear, or see drama, but they maintain a safer distance.

They have also learned the hard way that in some instances, and with some people, it’s far wiser to observe, and listen - rather than speak. Except when it comes to coworker support, safety, quality of care or their own principles. They choose their battles carefully, and on these they will not back down.

They’ve learned that this job isn’t about expectation of gratitude, patients will spit on you, hit, or verbally abuse you, and they don’t take it personal. But they also also don’t put up with the abusive behavior.

They admit to themselves when they’re wrong. They speak up about their mistakes, even if it exposes them to ridicule. They learn what they would do differently next time.

They ask questions, and it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been practicing as a nurse. They ask for help when they’re uncertain about doing a skill. They contribute to rounds, offer thoughts on what may be happening with their patient. They also ask questions during these rounds, never mind the scrutiny or mocking glares of medical students who whisper they should know this if they’re a nurse. They understand that there is no doctor, nurse, nursing student, or medical student who has the ultimate knowledge. They understand it’s a team process and we all learn from each other.

They don’t take credit for another nurse’s discovery/idea. They support their fellow nurses. They don’t engage in one upmanship.

They maintain the philosophy of helping everyone. They don’t purposefully avoid helping others because they never help them, they don’t avoid helping the new nurse, given the old school mentality of “sink or swim”, they don’t avoid helping the nurses who always seem to be struggling. They don’t discriminate; care is care.

They understand that people will criticize/compete no matter what. And as a matter of fact, it doesn’t even matter.

They stumble, they fall, they screw up, they make wrong choices, they give up on jobs, but they don’t give up on the profession.

They respect people for who they are, regardless of titles, or power - even if it means they’ll be ostracized.

They respect students, the future of this profession.

anonymous asked:

It's not that there's a shortage of T but it's not easy to get and if people who don't need it create a backlog for the people who actually DO need it it's gonna be that much harder to access

except that’s fake as fuck and the gatekeeping of resources from the trans community isn’t a problem made by people trying to access those resources. if you want HRT, you deserve to have it. full stop.

there’s no gigantic backlog of people trying to access these resources at all times, there’s no queue of people who “deserve it more than others”. there are doctors gatekeeping you from them and putting bodily autonomy into question, and if you blame that on people seeking hormone therapy you’re an asshole.

and for everybody reading this - Planned Parenthood has been getting transgender services into more and more clinics, way more than that one tumblr post about trans resources listed. Check and see which ones are closest to you, check their website and see if they offer transgender services. If they don’t you might have to drive to a different region of clinics, but I honestly think they should always be first choice when possible because they’re ridiculously accommodating and believe you have control over your body.


Is the Doctor a Good Man? This is an arc that has been unfolding for a long time and covering numerous episodes (showing both sides of the argument) and is something I had discussed a while back in relation to A Good Man Goes to War. I came to a similar conclusion to the one that Clara came to, but I do think, more strongly than she does, that he is a good man.

Nobody, least of all the Doctor, is purely any one thing and the world isn’t a black and white place, but his questioning of his own character shows so much insight into who he is. That, in combination with how hard he works to help people despite occasionally committing morally questionable acts for the greater good, ultimately proves that he is a good man. He can see it. He can see what he’s done wrong and the guilt of it weighs heavily on him even when, as the Eleventh Doctor, he used to work so hard not to think about it. That matters.

The fact that the Doctor is a good man is something River, his wife who has seen him at his best, but also stood next to him at his worst telling him just how low he’s gotten and who has her own dark side she relates to him through, can say he is with confidence. And it is something that Clara, looking at him from the perspective of an undeniably good person who is also his friend and witness to his actions (both good and bad), can see that he’s trying to be. Even though she doesn’t yet know the answer definitively, she does see that it is something he works to be and that means so much more than he gives himself credit for.

But the Doctor can’t see it clearly because he feels the pain of everything he’s done and he’s not sure it makes him a good man. Eleven didn’t want to confront it. He was the man who forgets, not just because he was too old, but because he only become worse as he got older and had done so many terrible things that he could no longer stand to think about them.

Although Eleven did take River’s advice and try to stop being the man the universe fears, he never truly wanted the answer to the question of if he was a good man. He very clearly thinks the answer is no, but in The Day of the Doctor, he was forced to confront the day that sent him down this dark path and was given the opportunity for a second chance to find another way to bring down the Daleks and corrupt ruling Time Lords while saving the innocent on Gallifrey without killing everyone. Now, with a new perspective on his own past actions, Twelve is going forward confronting his dark side and, in his own words, is still “terrified” that he might not be a good man. He is finally putting aside his fear and looking directly into the part of himself that was destroying Eleven internally, but that he couldn’t truly bring himself to face.


Find Your Doctor Who Birthday Episode!

With a show that’s been around for as long as Doctor Who has, there have been a lot (A LOT) of episodes. And maybe at some point you’ve thought to yourself “Hey, I wonder what episode premiered on my birthday!” We think things like this all the time. 

Up until now the question plagued our minds with no easy answer. We spent many sleepless nights pondering the thought, tossing and turning in our Adipose beds thinking “What episode premiered on our birthday? What episode premiered on our birthday‽ How can we possibly find out‽”

This was a clear moment of weakness, as we forgot that the internet existed and it was something we could just search. But why do that when you can just go to Enter your birthday and bam! It’s as easy as 

How cool is this?

So, who is Missy? The answer is hidden in plain sight, folks.

The official Doctor Who Tumblr has told us all along. Look at that hashtag.

#WHO is Missy

That’s not a question. It’s the answer. It’s a statement.

Missy is a version of The Doctor… Like, say, The Valeyard.

WHO (The Doctor) is Missy. The Valeyard.

11 reasons why I appreciate Clara Oswald

So after being sent angry messages last night, being unfollowed and criticized for my own opinion, I realized some people don’t like Clara Oswald, and although I do respect other peoples’ opinions, I decided to make a post clarifying the reasons why I adore this fictional character. Let the post commence. Also this post is spoiler free, no spoilers to be found anywhere in this post. All gifs included are not mine, they are just there for emphasis, gif credit goes to those who made them. 

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It’s been a great three years running this blog (the idea to run my own blog didn’t come to me till second year when I realized all of my nerdy facebook updates were lost on my non-medical friends). So after three great years of sharing all about medical school, I think it’s time for a blog title change. Not to worry, this is still the story of my med life (so no need for a URL change, thankfully because it took me ages to come up with this URL).

However, Volume 1: My Life as a Medical Student has come to a close and it’s time to start a new story. Hopefully this one will be even better. There will still be med school stories tho, because I have 37 incomplete thoughts in my drafts folder and at least a few of them are worth finishing. Plus, it’s so much easier to write about things in hindsight, so now that I’m doctor Liz I might be able to write about all the silly things med student Liz did back in the day.  

Thanks to everyone who has been following me on this journey. Thank you for your comments on posts when I have bad day, for your questions, and for simply following me thorough my journey (it’s so much easier to write things when you think someone might actually get something out of it).

For now, get ready for new and exciting stories as we move on to Volume 2: My Life as an Intern.

And All Nightmares, Dreams... (Chapter 8 - What the Heart Wants)

Another submission from my anon! Enjoy! :) ————– Chapter 8: And All Nightmares, Dreams
Day 1
5.08 am Mumbai, India

In the minutes before he hears all the noise, he feels the demon’s weight sinking into his belly, its terrible fist drumming on his sternum. His fingers reach to throw the creature off, waking to the pounding of his heart, his hands grasping air. His eyes are snap open. His brain presents his mind with this question: “Which one?”

Maks closes his eyes. Air barely escapes his lips, “please, please, please…” As the cacophony continues to cascade from his phone he knows it will be her. “Oh god, let it not be her.”

A powerful furious rage drags him pacing around the room. He circles into the bathroom, sees his reflection in the mirror. He face is contorted, unrecognizable. HE is the fucking demon. Somehow this is because of something he has done. He swings his arm back, ready to slam his fist into the glass. Slaps the tap handles instead. He turns on all the faucets until the sounds of water cascading in the shower and sink begin to compete with the noise in his head. As he strides back out he clenches his fist around his phone wanting to shatter it into silence. He’s going to smash it into the television. He walks quickly to screen and punches at the buttons searching for news.

Watching the reports about Meryl unfold on CNN, hearing the words, Maks begins to accept that this is happening. This is what is happening. All life that came before is forgotten except for the one person he must rescue from there and bring alive into this hideous new reality. He clenches his fists and prepares to fight.

Day 2
How is it taking so long to find a way to fly to her? Cancelled flights, weather, security alerts… He cannot get through to his brother. It is utter, inescapable, madness.

Day 3
Since the accident he has managed to speak with Val only twice. The information seems so vague. He can tell that his brother is exhausted. His distracted reporting is slow and perfunctory. He says things are difficult. There may be the need for surgery. She is still sleeping. Sleeping? When pressed, Val finally says the word, “coma.” The doctors are doing their best.

Maks has flown through a million nights to come for her. The moment the wheels hit the runway, he begins to reflexively dial Val then Alex. He feels his anger building as his taxi moves through the congestion with agonizing slowness.

His phone rings. “Maks? Where are you?”

“How is she?

"Maks… They… She, Val and Charlie are with her. They…”

Alive. Maks’ head slumps forward, he squeezes his eyes shut, feeling his body start to tremble as he loses hold of the tension. Tears are coming. He slams his fists into his thighs.

“Alex,” his voice breaking, “listen to me. I’m in Osaka. In a taxi. You will meet me at the emergency entrance. Take me straight to her. No more wasted time. He disconnects the call as his body revolts. So great had been his fear that he would never feel her heart beating. He collapses forward, his body wracked with sobs that progress to dry heaves.

"Sir, sir…” The taxi driver yells as he cranes his neck to see what is happening in the back of his cab. He slows, veering toward the curb.

“No!” Maks manages to say. “Please. The hospital. Please.”

Alex sees Maks stumble from the taxi before it is fully parked.

“Maks,” he calls running to meet him. Alex stuffs a wad of bills into the driver’s hand. Grabs Maks’ elbow and turns him into a tight embrace. They pull back, each studying the other’s face searching for clues about what the immediate future will hold. All they read is devastation. Alex hoists Maks’ bag, takes him by the arm and turns to lead him to where he needs to go.

“Wait. Wait…” Maks escapes into a restroom. No time for this. He splashes cold water on his face and steadies himself. If she will feel his presence it must not be jagged and lost.

The change Alex witnesses is almost complete. Here he is ,their older brother and guardian.

The last corridor leads to rooms that exist in perpetual night. He slows down allowing his vision to adjust. Alex gestures to the door to Meryl’s room and retreats.

Nothing has prepared him for this moment. When he walks into her room… He cannot find the outline of her in the bed. He takes one step closer, studying in desperation.

His brother’s form is lying there? But he sees her pale face. Val’s arms are wrapped tightly around her. She IS there. Her heart beat sounding from the monitors. Her eyes are closed. Val’s eyes are closed. Maks inhales. He stands silently as confusion builds.

Val’s eyes open. He doesn’t move. His arms remain encircling Meryl’s unconscious body. He meets his brother’s gaze. His look is defiant and protective. They stare at each other. Something inside Maks explodes. With fear. With fear and love. With fear and relief. With fear and fury. He wants to tear Val away from Meryl.

Val does not move. He looks at Maks. His guardianship of the woman he is holding finally lessens as he realizes his brother has finally arrived. His eyes beg for understanding. He is protecting Meryl, after all. He is loving Meryl, after all. He is the one who has been here. He is the one who is holding all of her.

Charlie wakes up. He registers Maks. His movement is startling. Maks focuses, the intensity of Charlie’s gaze is accusatory, but then Charlie’s eyes fill with the dull realization that all of this pain is his to own. His gaze shifts to Val and Meryl. And then back to Maks. His heartbreak stops Maks’ reactions immediately.

The woman they all love is… Unaware.

Seeing the profound guilt in Charlie’s eyes, Maks strides across the the room and grabs him up. They embrace to stop the world from spinning. To change the trajectory of the universe. Charlie feels the message and slumps forward, sobbing. All is sorrow and grief and love and the desperate need for hope.

As Maks turns, he looks over Charlie’s shoulder and sees that Val remains still. Maks stares intensely into his brother’s open, wide eyes. His gaze shifts to Meryl. It’s obvious that her long hair is gone. Her dark eyelashes cast barely discernible shadows on her cheeks… She is as pale as the sheets that cover them. Her form, hidden by his brothers embrace, is thin beyond belief. A ventilator is taped into her mouth. Maks grips Charlie harder, more for his own support than for Charlie’s heaving, wracking need. His eyes meet Val’s again. Hard and questioning. After long seconds, Val silently mouths the words, “family before everything.” For the first time in his life, Maks doesn’t know exactly what those words mean.

Finally, with Val making no indication he is ready to move away from Meryl, Maks steers Charlie from the room. Maks slowly asks Charlie all the questions he has formulated on his journey to Japan. What happened, what do the doctors say, has anyone been able to contact Meryl’s parents, what is the next step? Should they arrange to fly her home? Who does he need to talk to? He is trying to gain traction and understanding but Charlie is in his own world of suffering. It’s all too overwhelming. Maks knows his battle begins now. He is her husband, his brother, his friend, everyone’s protector.

He begins to extricate himself from Charlie’s pain. He has to touch his wife. To feel her breathe. As he reaches for the door handle, he turns back to Charlie. “How long has what’s going on in there been happening?”

Charlie looks up in shock followed by confusion, then anger. “What the fuck, Maks? I’ve told you everything, I lost her, she fell, she’s been in a coma… they drilled into her head…it’s been… days and she’s still not waking up!”… Charlie’s voice is rising with every phrase until it reaches a hysteria that Maks can only step away from. Charlie does not understand that Maks is asking about Val… About Val and Meryl.

Maks realizes that Charlie, even in his own nightmare, is more right. With shame, he wonders how his thoughts about what he witnessed can even matter?

Val hears the commotion outside the door. Maks has finally arrived but what the hell is happening? Charlie’s distress in the hallway is becoming alarming. Still, it takes him a thousand breaths to imagine leaving her alone. It takes all of his will to move his arms away for her. He cannot leave her in her far away world. He stays motionless, feeling her breathe. She’s breathing. She is living.

Finally, he moves slowly away from her and then quickly into the hallway to interrupt whatever Maks and Charlie are involved in.

The door to Meryl’s room flies open and Val, wide eyed and obviously angry, steps out. He grabs Maks’ arm and puts his hand on Charlie’s chest. Everything stops. Val looks at Charlie and jerks his head toward the open door. Charlie nods and slips back into the darkness within.

Val and Maks face each other. Val’s bare toes curl against the cold floor. They finally fall into each other’s arms, their first sobs synchronized. Maks tries to regain his composure. He inhales slowly and deeply. The scent of Meryl rises from Val’s skin. Maks wants to push his brother away. He wants to keep holding him until they both can breath.

Somewhere in the beginning Val felt the need to tether her to this world. To make sure she didn’t die. To give Maks time to get here from wherever and whatever the fuck was more important than her. Why wasn’t Maks here? What was more important this this?

Charlie was too fucked up to help. Val, himself, was breaking. As they both had waited for Meryl to come out of surgery, his mind fell back to her strength. Her beauty. Her aliveness. Her gentleness, her unique talent. When she was finally wheeled back to the ICU, when he was finally able to see her, he forgot about Charlie. He forgot about Maks.

And then she was lying there amidst all the beeping and the tubes, and Charlie was retreating into his own oblivion. That was when he had crawled into her hospital bed and stretched himself alongside her and held her tentatively. And then more tightly. It was his responsibility to keep her from slipping too far away. For Maks? No. For her. For him. And for all the world that was made beautiful because of her.

But now everyone was here. Their worlds have been in orbit around Meryl and now they are collapsing into each other with an impact that is just as powerful as fragile bone on hard ice.

Maks needs to carve a path through all the noise. To be with Meryl. He needs to acknowledge Charlie’s pain and guilt. He knows he needs to relieve Val’s sense of responsibility and, dare he think it, love. But, more than anything, he needs to go in search of his wife and bring her back to him.

Finally he pivots from Val and opens the door to Meryl’s dark hospital room. Val follows until Maks turns and puts his hand on his brother’s chest. He sees the pain in Val’s eyes but he cannot comfort him now. “Please,” he whispers. He slips inside, alone.

His eyes find Charlie, sitting at Meryl’s bedside, holding her hand pressed to his forehead. Maks puts his hand on Charlie’s shoulder and after a fleeting smile he tips his head toward the door. “Charles,” he whispers, “I need to be alone with her.” Charlie nods and silently leaves them.

As the door closes and the light from the hallway is pinched out, Maks finally has his moment to look at his wife. He feels a violent sob escape from his chest. He doesn’t know where it is safe to touch her. He fingers reach out to stroke her cheek, he traces her lips, accidentally dislodging the oxygen tube taped between them. Before replacing it, he quickly leans forward and kisses her mouth. Her lips are dry and chapped. His tears are coming now, they spill into the hollow of her neck, pooling there. Robotically, he grabs at tissues and dabs them away.

In his mind, he sees Val lying next to Meryl, arms encircling her. He takes off his shirt and slips out of his shoes. He moves into her bed, carefully reorienting the tubes so he can fit his body to hers. He doesn’t lie down but braces on his elbow sliding his left hand under the nape of neck. He needs to be able to study her face. His right hand strokes her arm. She feels unbearably fragile.

Unthinkable thoughts fly into his mind. Even though the monitors prove her heart beats, he wraps his fingers around her wrist, feeling for her pulse. His eyes settle on her throat, watching for any tiny throb. He leans forward, placing his cheek to her lips, awaiting the smallest movement of air. He kisses her chapped lips. He began to talk to her. “I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m here, I’m sorry. I’m here, I’m sorry.” Babe.. Meryl… I’m so sorry.”

He doesn’t know how long he has been holding her when a shaft of light enters through the opening door. He blinks rapidly, adjusting his vision as three figures move into the room.

A stranger enters followed by Charlie and Val. He gets up as quickly as he can, looking from the white coated doctor to Charlie and Val. There is an exhausted wariness in their eyes. Maks moves forward, slipping on his shirt, offering his hand. “I’m Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Meryl’s husband. I’m sorry, I was in India when this happened, but I’m here now.”

The doctor’s eyes are inscrutable. He looks from Charlie to Val, who, after a long, tense pause, nod their heads in unison. “My name is Dr. Kurosawa, can we speak?” He gestures to the hallway.

Maks listens intently to Meryl’s neurosurgeon. Fractured skull. Contrecoup injury. Induced coma. Internal bleeding. Surgery. Stabilization.

Soon it will be time to stop the IV that administers the drug that keeps her asleep. It’s time for her to wake up, if she can.

Maks holds his face in his hands. Processing all the information.

“This is good news,” Dr. Kurasawa says. “But you must be prepared that only small signs may be seen at first. It can be difficult. Every patient is different but she has recovered very well so far.”

“I will be there,” Maks says.

“Oh yes. It may help for her to hear your voice. All of you, he gestures at Val and Charlie.

They watch as the medical team of enters the room and follow them in.

Maks holds her hands as she begins her journey into awareness. His heart leaps as feels her grip tighten. Slowly, her fingers move to struggle against the discomfort of the various tubes and catheters. Below consciousness she fights against the world. Her medical team joins to hold her thin frame down. The strength of her, as she wrestles back to concsiousness, is as awe inspiring as it is frightening. He places his hands on her rising shoulders and puts his lips to her ear. “Please wake up,” he whispers. “I’m right here. I love you. Please wake up.” Her body seizes. He is, they all are, holding on to her flailing limbs, trying to restrict her grasping hands, trying desperately to bear the tortuous sounds escaping from her lips. Minutes and minutes pass in her epic struggle. “Stop it,” he finally pleads.

The IV drip is reactivated. Meryl falls back into her quiet darkness.

Charlie flees from the room. Val hesitates before following after him. He finds Charlie sitting silently in the men’s room. Val slumps down to the floor unable to find the words to erase what they witnessed or the will to comfort him. Alex sees their escape from his personal encampment in the waiting room. He waits, as he has done for these many days, before joining them.

With Maks here, Alex convinces Val and Charlie to come away to the hotel suite the hospital has arranged for them. He is meeting Tanith at the airport and he wants to bring her to Charlie here. While Charlie showers, he calls room service.

"Val, Tanith is arriving tonight… I told her to come.”

“What?…Good. That’s good… Very good.”

“You gotta make sure Charlie stays here. It’ll be better for her to come here first?”


“I found Meryl and Charlie’s parents, too.”

“What?! When? They are coming? Why didn’t you say?”

“They were pretty far off the beaten track,” Alex shrugs, smiles a little. “They’re trying to get here but I don’t know when. They haven’t made contact with their plan yet.”

Val reaches toward Alex and kisses his cheeks before hugging him. “It’s been so hard. You’ve done everything we couldn’t.”

Alex turns away. “You did everything I couldn’t.”

“Make sure you both of you eat something. I’ll be back.”


Dr. Kurosawa touches Maks’s shoulder and steers him out of the room. If the scans continue to be positive we will try again tomorrow. It is necessary for her to accomplish this, no matter how traumatic it is.

Maks stands over her. He feels a poisonous pain rise from his belly to his brain. He closes his eyes and wills himself into her calm, comatose universe.

The incessant beeping of the monitors doesn’t change. Her heart doesn’t know he is here. He slides under the sheets and carefully wraps his arms around her.

“I love you, мой драгоценный , драгоценных девушка. You are my life. I found you and you will not leave me. I will never lose you. Weariness washes over him and he sleeps.

Day 6
Day 7
He cannot manage it. Her struggle is too frightening to allow. Maks pleads for it to stop when he hears the pain escape from her lips.

Day 8
It begins again. Maks is ready now. He is determined to outlast her painful fight. He closes his ears and holds her struggling body. He talks to her. He repeats their vows. He reminds her of their island. Of the Contamessa II. He holds on and on. He talks about their life yet to be lived. He describes their dances to her, counting her through the choreography as if he was still her teacher. He tells her there are more than seven seas and he will swim with her in every single one of them. He promises he will learn to skate. He describes the Italian villa where they will live. He brings her a puppy. He places their firstborn in her arms.

The team of interns and nurses keep watch and they witness the struggle of her awakening. Her legs curl up and stretch out in spasms of unknowing. His palms press down on her thighs. He grips her hands as they struggle to find release from the tubes surrounding her.

“Meryl… Please wake up.”

Minutes and then decades pass as he tries to cast a magic living spell over her. He never stops whispering their long, forever story into her ear. He promises every god who will hear him that if they intercede on her behalf he will pay all their prices.

She finally breaks through into consciousness, her body still tense, her eyes roll open and stare at his face. “Fucking hurts,” she curses as one thin arm lifts fluttering fingers toward her head.

Maks glances quickly at the nurses. “She’s in pain.”

As an injection dulls her pain, Meryl’s eyes stare into his. “Maks?” she whispers. “Where’s Charlie?”

Maks’ heart soars as she falls asleep. Her eyes have seen him and she knew his name.

He presses his face into her pillow. His tears disappear silently into the fabric. When he feels a hand on his back, he turns to see Val and Charlie and Tanith. Their faces are wet as they cling to each other.

Val moves to stand away, Charlie leans into Meryl, finally able to speak to her. Even if she is asleep he believes now that she can hear him. He grips Tanith’s fingers as he whispers his painful apology. Maks holds Meryl’s hand and then reaches for Charlie’s as he watches him struggle for words.

This is the scene that Cheryl and Paul and Jaquie and Charles witness upon their arrival.

As Maks places Meryl’s hand into her mother’s, he whispers, “she was awake and only sleeps now because of the pain.”

Cheryl cannot respond except to clutch her daughter’s hand to her heart. Paul nods at Maks before joining his wife’s clasp.

It is the first time Maks and Val have had time to be alone together. A kind of uncomfortable silence separates them as they walk down the corridor. Without thinking they find themselves sitting over paper cups of vending machine coffee in the dark cafeteria.


"When did you get married… ARE you married?” Val asks.

“We are married. At least we are to each other.” Maks tells him about the island off the Florida coast.

Val nods understanding the truth of it.

“Val…” Maks begins. “Do you think you love her? I mean, do you love her?”

The sound that escapes Val’s lips is half a derisive laugh, half a sob… As if he is insulted by the question.

“I love her.” He closes his eyes, leaning back, searching for his own truth.

“She had… Has… So much power. I saw it the first time you danced with her. Then when she was mine,…” Val inhales remembering her self possession. It had been both submissive and demanding. “She became something so special to me. Not exactly a sister… But also not like a…” Val searched for a word. “Not like a lover, either. She was just this fierce, unbelievable person who I wanted to always have in my life.”

“When she was so hurt and so damaged… You don’t know Maks! They told us that swallowing… SWALLOWING… would be a major achievement if she ever came out of that coma.” Val’s voice rose with the memory.

“It was like all her power was reduced to this one little, tiny flame and I knew that all I wanted to do was hold my hands around it and keep it from going out.”

Maks sits silently listening as Val tries to find his path. Where it might lead he cannot know. He watches his brother through hooded eyes.

“I don’t know… I guess I thought you would always keep her in my life. And then when she might be dying, and you weren’t here…” Val’s voice faded away.

“She’s not like a sister to me, Maks… But not Iike… It’s not like… Maybe it’s not like that kind of love, either… But it could be. I just need her to live.” His shoulders suddenly shake with emotion he cannot contain.

Sensing that Val has reached his limit, Maks finally reaches his hand across the table gripping his brother’s tightly. “She’s your sister-in-law… My beautiful, alive wife… And I will do everything in my power to keep her in your world.”

Sleep/melatonin question for fellow autistics

My autistic brother-in-law, who is about to turn 16, has been having severe sleep problems for about a year. He was doing all the right “sleep hygiene” things - keeping his room cool, installing f.lux on his computer, not napping during the day, trying to sleep at the same time each night. He would try to fall asleep around 10 or 11 at night, but not be able to fall asleep until somewhere between 3am and 5am. Basically he couldn’t sleep until he was so exhausted he physically couldn’t stay awake anymore. Yesterday the doctor finally told him to start taking melatonin, and he took his first dose last night around 9:30pm. He fell asleep between midnight and 1am, and woke up at 8:30! (He is homeschooled and we usually don’t get him up until around 11:30, specifically because of the insomnia.) Now, it’s too soon to be like “omg his sleep problems are fixed FOREVER”, but it does seem like a very good sign that his problems DO have something to do with melatonin.

I had very similar sleep issues as an adolescent and in my early 20s, where I absolutely couldn’t sleep until my body was beyond exhausted and I just kind of passed out. No one ever suggested melatonin for me, so I don’t know if it would have helped me. But one of my spouses, who is also autistic, still has this kind of sleep cycle problem, and melatonin has improved it a lot.

I’ve heard of a few studies that suggest melatonin production could be disrupted in autistic people, but I don’t think there’s been any real scientific consensus yet.

So I’m wondering if any other autistic people out there have similar sleep issues:

- Have you had the experience of not being able to fall asleep until very late at night/early in the morning, or until reaching the point of total exhaustion?
- Did this go on for a long time - many months or even years?
- Was it worse when you were a teenager or young adult? Or, if you are still a teenager or young adult, did it seem to begin around puberty, or get worse then?
- Have you tried melatonin supplements, and if so, did they help?

(Please note I’m not suggesting anyone go out and try melatonin based on reading this post, especially if you’re still growing. Please do your research, and talk to a doctor if you can.)

Countdown to Moffat Appreciation Day: An Under-appreciated Work

Even from fellow ardent fans, I always hear people making concessions about series 6 of Doctor Who. They know it’s not as good: it’s too plot heavy and there’s far too much River Song. But things have gotten so much better, so we can forgive it. Well, I love series 6 to pieces. It was the first complete series I watched as it aired, and it cemented my love and obsession with the show.

Series 6 was really a game changer for the show. Let’s start off a new series by killing off our protagonist as all of his friends watch. I remember yelling at my television the moment it happened. How can he kill off the main character ten minutes into the first episode?! What on earth can you do to top that? And so we spent a good few months trying to puzzle that out.

I think the first moment comes in A Good Man Goes to War. We see the Doctor try desperately to do what he does best: stride in, save the day, and hold the moral high ground. But in comes River Song, taking the Doctor to task for years of being the Oncoming Storm. Years of making people so afraid and years of dancing through time and space without looking back and what he leaves behind. If he hadn’t done any of that, then perhaps the word “doctor” would still mean healer. Perhaps the family he had grown so close to would never have been torn apart. People have been lauding series 8 (and rightly so) for asking if the Doctor was a good influence and a good man, but Steven Moffat started asking his audience this question in this episode.

And let’s look at River Song some more. The idea that too much time was spent on her is ridiculous for me. She is one of my favorite characters of all time and the fact that this was the River Song series probably has a lot to do with why I love this particular series so much. River Song introduces to New Who a female character who is the Doctor’s Doctor. Time and space is her playground just as it is his. She swans into his life as a mystery and wonder, the way he comes into his own companions’ lives. She can fly the TARDIS (better than he can in fact), she knows the rules of the universe, and defies them more often than he does. To me, she is the definition of a strong female character because she has been given everything the male hero has. River isn’t a character I relate to; she is the character I look up to. She is my Female Power Fantasy: reclaiming her agency and doing anything and everything she wants to do, loving herself and the person she’s with, and doesn’t need the male character to make her story interesting. 

This story culminated in one of my favorite series finales for any show: The Wedding of River Song. We finally get the answer to the question, “What happens if you mess with a fixed point in time?” The answer of course is that all hell breaks loose in the most fascinating way possible. Everything is resolved and the Doctor and River finally are on the same page. Amy and Rory prove once again that they will find each other in any universe, and Amy and River finally are able to take back everything Madame Kovarian stole from them and heal. The Doctor learns to step back into the shadows and leave less of a wake behind him, and we finally learn the question that needs to be asked. I don’t think I’ve ever simultaneously felt more satisfied with a series and more eager for more.

There are so many other things that make this series amazing. We finally learn what the TARDIS would say if she could talk to her Doctor. Amy gets to make sense of her life, grow up from her childhood love of her imaginary friend and clearly make traveling with the Doctor a choice to be with her best friend instead. Rory finally comes across some character development, and we are introduced to the Paternoster Gang. So I’ve never felt like this is a series I should be apologetic for liking. This is the series that transformed my love for Doctor Who into what it is today, and how could I not thank Steven Moffat for that?

Come participate in Moffat Appreciation Day!

BBC finally confirms Jenna Coleman is leaving DW

It’s been officially confirmed that Jenna Coleman, who plays Clara Oswald, will leave Doctor Who during the new series which starts tomorrow, Saturday 19 September.

However, it’s not been revealed exactly when Clara leaves and the question many are already asking is how will she part company with the Doctor?

Jenna Coleman made her Doctor Who debut on 1 September, 2012 as Oswin Oswald in Asylum of the Daleks. She returned on Christmas Day of that year, playing Clara and remained with the Eleventh Doctor from the following episode, The Bells of Saint John, onwards. She stayed on board the TARDIS for all of Peter Capaldi’s episodes to date and after filming for the last series finished, Peter commented, ‘Jenna has been absolutely brilliant. I think she’s wonderful in the show, and she’s my favourite companion.’

But Series 9 sees the Impossible Girl’s departure although the how, why and when are all questions we’ll have to watch the new adventures to find out…

Whatever happens, we’ll bring you the inside info first but for the time being we’ll prepare to say goodbye to Clara and good luck to Jenna. We’ll miss them both.