all the lies i tell myself

Things to start doing in 2017:

• say no without explanation
• stop apologizing for my feelings
• don’t expect everyone to be there for you all the time
• don’t do things I don’t wanna do
• get out of my comfort zone
• stop believing the lies I tell myself
• take care of my skin

"copycat” still really bothers me

i’m sure i’m not the first person to notice this but i’m rewatching the show and the episode “copycat” just gets me so annoyed and irritated because of how adrien was written in that episode. this is probably the episode where we have the most blatant, explicit evidence of one of adrien’s flaws (i.e. his jealousy) and he is at no point forced to be held accountable for his actions. 

adrien quite literally causes an akuma because of his jealousy. but he is not forced to apologize to theo for lying about his relationship with ladybug, he’s not forced to apologize to ladybug for lying about said relationship without her consent, and adrien himself is not allowed time in the episode to acknowledge his jealousy, find fault in it, and learn from his mistake. 

adrien as a character already has this annoying habit of being presented as the “perfect boy” who very rarely makes mistakes and is idolized for it. not just by marinette. by pretty much everyone. “jackady” had this really strange scene where gabriel and ladybug were staring at adrien’s modeling shots and gushing about how “flawless” and “perfect” he is. and most of adrien’s arguably negative qualities (e.g. his occassional inability to take things seriously in battle, his naivete, his occasional impulsiveness as chat noir, etc.) are often presented in ways that either make us sympathize with his behavior or find it endearing. 

“copycat” is probably one of the only (if not the only) episodes where adrien is very clearly doing something wrong. he’s angry that theo likes ladybug so much so he lies about his relationship with ladybug and tells theo they’re a thing so that he can back off and chat noir can have ladybug all to himself. 

the problem is that the show doesn’t call out adrien for this jealousy. about the only time it does is when plagg makes a dig at him right when adrien realizes who the akuma is. 

and despite this, adrien merely rolls his eyes at plagg and scoffs at the comment as if it’s a joke. that was the perfect opportunity for adrien to take just a few seconds to say “you’re right. i should’ve never lied and let myself get jealous. that was wrong of me.”

about the best we can get is when chat noir acknowledges that he was the one who caused the akuma so he’s the one who has to go and get himself out of it. but at no point does he tell ladybug why this happened (especially because it involves her) and at no point does he vocalize the mistake he made, i.e. the fact that he let his jealousy take over. 

then this is where the episode really starts to bother me

he calls out ladybug for not showing up to the statue unveiling. they actually make chat noir take time in the middle of his screw up to basically tell ladybug “well maybe you’d know what’s going on if you showed up this morning.” ladybug had done nothing wrong in regards to this akuma. we’re dealing with her phone stealing and her bad time management on the side, but this has nothing to do with the akuma. if anyone’s mistakes should be being highlighted here, it’s adrien’s. 

but the episode continues to just let adrien get away with the fact that he lied. ladybug praises chat noir for his honesty and for the fact that he’s never lied to ladybug about anything (hello, irony) and normally this would be a pretty good moment for chat noir to at least look guilty. but instead he merely thanks her for the compliment and continues fighting anyway. 

and then it gets even worse because the one who apologizes at the end of the episode is ladybug!! she apologizes to theo for not showing up to the unveiling! which, fine ok, but where was adrien’s apology? where was his opportunity to explain to ladybug that he messed up for lying about their relationship, causing this akuma, and putting ladybug in danger?

it’s replaced with chat noir’s angst about his crush not being returned. 

we feel bad for him at the end of this episode because his “crush was crushed.” let alone that he let his jealousy get the better of him and lied to a stranger about ladybug and his relationship behind her back. we end the episode feeling sympathy for chat noir because ladybug doesn’t feel the same way for him. mr. perfect finally has an episode where he screws up and the show does not allow him to take sufficient responsibility for it and own up to his mistake. 

and it further annoys me that this happened because anytime marinette messes up, she almost always apologizes. when she didn’t listen to chloe and caused her to be akumatized? she apologized to her for not listening to her. when she yelled at lila and caused her to be akumatized because of her own jealousy? she apologized to lila for being so mean to her. marinette is continuously asked to own up to her mistakes and apologize for them (as she should) meanwhile the one time adrien screws up, he gets let off for it. 

idk man, it just gets me upset that adrien got it so easy in this episode. he should’ve apologized to theo. he should’ve told ladybug the truth. he should’ve owned up to the fact that his jealousy was totally unwarranted. 

Little White Lies | Byun Baekhyun

Originally posted by dazzlingkai

Link to Masterlist

Slight Angst | Mild/Implied Smut

Summary: Where your best friend Baekhyun attempts to set you up with his cousin, and you can’t refuse, because doing so would mean telling your best friend that you’re secretly in love with him.


A/N: I couldn’t help myself…Baek is the only one on my mind these days, and so he’s getting all the scenarios for himself! 


“Okay, but would you just tell me why you don’t want to go on a date with Yixing?” came your best friend’s voice over the phone.

You sighed. “Baek, I told you. I’m just not feeling like dating anyone right now.” “But he’s perfect for you! Trust me, he’s exactly your type. Would you just please listen to me? Why would your bestest friend in the entire world ever give you wrong advice, hm?” pleaded Baekhyun.

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000booyouwhore000  asked:

I finally cracked and told my doctor about the depression and anxiety I have been having for a while and he put me on Prozac. It's the first time I've ever had to take meds for depression and he told me it would take a few weeks to even out. It's been almost 6 weeks, and while I feel better than I did before, today is just a pit of hopelessness and bad feelings. I know not every day will be ponies and rainbows, but I don't want these bad days to become more frequent. Any advice?

So first and most importantly: I am so happy for you, and so proud of you for getting help for your depression and anxiety. 

Bad days still happen, and sometimes they will happen without any logical reason or trigger. It sucks, and it’s really important to be gentle with yourself when it happens. 

Everyone has a different way to manage these days. I make an effort to separate what’s real from what my brain is telling me, and I remind myself that the hopelessness and bad feelings are being created by my brain chemicals, because Depression Lies. Then I work through some steps that I’ve written about before, including things like: taking a shower, eating a good meal, taking a walk, getting the h*ck away from the news and the Internet, snuggling with my dogs, sharing my lousy feelings with Anne. 

There’s no magic thing we can do that will push the bad feelings away, but I have found that, by doing some or all of those things, I can usually manage my Depression flare ups.

The one thing that I can tell you with absolute confidence is that THIS WILL PASS. IT IS NOT FOREVER. YOUR BRAIN IS HAVING A BAD DAY BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

I know that hearing those words when you’re in the middle of it doesn’t help, but I’m giving them to you, anyway, because when the bad feelings pass, you can look back on them and know that they were true. Maybe that will help next time.

I sincerely hope this helps. Please talk to your doctor or a qualified professional if you still feel bad after a couple of days, because you may need help that I can’t give you. Check in with me and let me know how you’re doing, okay?

So many times I’ve lied to myself. Telling myself that I will find a true friend, that loves me for who I am. Seems like the people around are just tired of having too many friends so I’m the forgotten one. Thrown to the side, and will only be picked up if needed for advice. The universe gets mad at me for helping them out with all of the heart inside my soul I have left. I do it because I have this crazy thing in my mind called hope. Hope, is making me believe that I may still have a chance at finding someone. You can’t spell someone without one, and all I just need is one person to be there for me.

First Crush (part 4)

Originally posted by buckybarnres

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader, Tony Stark (dad) x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x Reader (platonic)

Summary: After being home schooled your whole life, it’s finally your first day in high school. You are so excited to finally have a chance to live a normal teenage life. Well as normal as you could get.

Word count: 812

A/N: This is the first thing that I have ever written so please go easy on me. I have written five parts to this story and I’m going to post a new part everyday. I would really appreciate constructive criticism. So, if you think of something that I could do better let me know! So here we go. I hope you guys like it!

PS You can send me requests if you want! I can write about almost any MCU character and actor. By sending me requests you can help me improve myself. Send your requests here!

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 5


Reader’s point of view

You woke up on a Saturday morning and lazily made your way to the kitchen. All you could think about was Peter and the moment you had last night. You could almost swear that you felt him liking you back. That was all that you could think about. Could it be? Does he really like you back? Has Michelle been right this whole time when she has been telling you that he has a crush on you? When you reached the kitchen, your dad was already there enjoying his morning coffee. “What are you thinking about so hard kiddo?” he asked with a big grin on his face. “Nothing I’m just tired” you lied and poured yourself cereal. “Mhm” he mumbled with a knowing look. It was almost as if he knew what you were thinking about. 

“Anyway, the surprise birthday party that I am throwing myself tonight begins at 8pm. You should probably be there a bit early though” your dad said with a smug look on his face. You were actually pretty excited about the party, even though you wouldn’t admit it to your dad because he can be so overly smug sometimes. His parties were always really fun and you were looking forward to having a good time with your Avengers family. “Oh, and I’m bringing Spiderling to the party so you can all finally meet him” He added and you just answered with a disinterested “mhm” and focused on your cereal. It’s not that you didn’t like Spider-Man he was a great hero and all but you were a bit jealous of him. All your dad’s attention has been on him lately. It was almost like he was your dad’s newly found son or something. Sometimes you had to remind your dad that you existed as well. You decided to take the petty way and started acting like you didn’t give a shit about his dear Spider-Man. Maybe that way he would realize that he is neglecting his daughter.

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I love when Tony Stark haters say they wouldn’t want to kill the woman/man who murdered their parents.

I love it when they say “I’d be mad seeing it but I’d learn to control myself”
Fuck off outta here.

You’re telling me you can watch the actual footage of your parents being brutally murdered after years of not knowing what happened to them all the while the man who did it is literally within arms reach?
Oh, and you’re telling me you’d be calm and collected even after the dude you trusted lies straight to your face? Literally right to your face he lies, you realize he’s been keeping this info to save his own skin and he lies when you ask him. You’re telling me you would be able to control yourself?

Well fuck me running you should harness that ability and teach people how to do that?¿?¿?¿?¿

A Hundred Lesser Faces: (Five)

Notes from Mod Bonnie

  • This story stems from the premise: what if Voyager!Claire had gone first to Lallybroch instead of directly to the print shop in Edinburgh?

My own Jamie,

Almost six months ago, I learned that you survived Culloden. You made history, my darling! Q.E.D.

As many nights as I’ve lain awake in those months cursing myself for not having looked soonerI know I shall thank God every day of my life for the series of events that led me at last to the right pages, to you. When I fully realized what it meant— that you had been spared the death you faced so bravely that April morning, the death that has haunted my thoughts and my nightmares for so long— It was like a wound, the oldest and deepest scar ripped back open, inch by inch. I was completely laid bare from it, from the storm of emotions warring within me: such joy, such anguish for the lost time (how many more years could we have had, Jamie, had I looked?), such fear—and then joy again, because the years of grief could now be ended, and *against all reason!* I could see you again.  

Likewise will I thank God every day for the small voice in my head that nudged me at the very last moment to go first to Lallybroch, rather than to your shop in Edinburgh. Please thank Jenny for me. She explained everything. 

It is for the best, that it happened this way; easier, I think, for all concerned. Perversely, despite the shock, I find myself smiling in this moment: for we promised there would be no lies between us, remember? It is a promise I make to you again, today. You can know, then, with absolute certainty, that it can be no lie when I tell you that I am glad glad and on-my-knees grateful to Heaven that you have found true happiness. 

After all the pain and the loss, the war and the hunger and the suffering you’ve endured, to know that you have a wife with whom you’ve found something new and wonderful; that you have had the joy of holding your own children in your arms, to have seen them be born and grow? It is a balm, Jamie, a comfort to know that despite all the cruelty fate has dealt you—dealt us— you have been blessed with such great and abundant joy. Never would I wish anything less for you, just as I know you would not for me. 

It is my deepest prayer that as you read these words, you will know the truth of them, will be able to feel my heart through the page, and KNOW that from its very depths, I wish you every happiness with your wife and your daughters. 

And yet I couldn’t leave, couldn’t go back from whence I came, without telling you about another little girl, who was born the 23rd of November the year of Culloden. 

I hope the contents of the brown packet, here enclosed, tell you more than any words could about your daughter—our daughter—Brianna Ellen.

Jamie was shaking—no, he was — crumbling

Every breath wrenched through him, agonizing, and the tears were falling, blurring his vision. He had to sit back on his haunches to keep them from dropping onto the page and blurring her precious words. 

Her words

CLAIRE’s

His hands were quaking with

November

with EVERYTHING

Jesus, GOD in 

Couldn’t

He COULD NOT think

Thoughts, words, they were—

They failed him, simply abandoned him as he shook on the study rug. Only his body seemed to know the way, for he was snatching for the parcel, tearing at the string binding the paper. There was an oily, unidentifiable wrapping within, then a layer of soft flannel, and then —   

The sound that escaped him—He didn’t even know there existed such a sound within him. It was terrible and beautiful at once, and though it was in no language, what he felt, his lips over and over formed a word, the only word he could muster: “No….NO….” 

For as though a great knife had cut through those terrible, looming stones on the accursed hill, Jamie held his infant daughter, newly-born, sleeping there in the palms of his hands. The portrait—picture?—painting?—was all in shades of grey, and yet somehow lifelike as a true bairn in miniature before him, like peering through a spyglass straight into that distant life.

He had not a single thought to spare for how, or by what means…

He could only trace the bitty wee fists curled on the blanket, the sweet wisps of hair on the tiny skull.

“Oh, mo chridhe…” 

He couldn’t look away, could not even blink, though tears were coursing downward. 

God, the child —this very child — 

—delivered safely into the world and into the arms of her mother—her mother.

The babe had lived—LIVED.

The pad of his thumb caught slightly as he caressed her cheek, and the portrait slid upward just enough to reveal — “Ohh…Jesus…”

She was grown to a toddling child, eating a cake that was smeared all about her face. And damn him if he didn’t LAUGH amidst the weeping to see just how pleased with herself she looked for it, a cuddly toy raised in triumph like a sword, four wee teeth visible as she giggled out a victory cry.

There she was again, older, standing in a great snowfall, naught but wee cheeks and grinning eyes visible under the great padded suit she wore against the cold. 

Older, still. Three? Four? Sitting proper-like in a pretty frock with her hair combed smooth. 

Such a sweet face—

Older, still, standing with a wee box in her hand beside a giant something with wheels, proud and eager, eyes bright.

And then he was gasping as the spyglass world ignited into blazing, brilliant colors. He saw his daughter’s hair, red and victorious and shining against the black coat of the huge dog she hugged tight; saw the pink flush of her cheeks, spread down her neck as it always did his, when he was happy and exuberant.

On and on flashed the paintings, these captured moments of his daughter’s life.

Going fishing and doing a damn fine job of it. 

Playing uproariously in the sea-surf, splashing and laughing with complete abandon.

Absolutely lovely as as she grew out of girlhood, and God, how vividly he could see Claire in her, as she did—in the lines of her, the way she held her mouth, tilted her head—that broad, clear brow that begged to be kissed, reverently—

Laughing, carefree, safe

Braw and strong as she chopped wood. Good lass!

Gazing softly out a window, seeming not even to notice her image being captured. 

On 

and on

and on 

until he was gasping and looking at the last portrait, of an achingly beautiful young woman sitting on a rock before a fire, making camp for the night, perhaps. Her face was cast in the same golds and red as her hair; the dreams of her heart seeming to dance across her eyes—as they always did her mother’s. His daughter…grown.  

The paintings were strewn all around him on the carpet, a tableau of her; her life. On his knees he bowed over them, overwhelmed and shuddering with great sobs as he looked, and looked, and looked.

She was—

She would be

…..she was well.  

The child HAD been safe.

It hadn’t been for naught. 

He fell, then, and sheltered her like a cloak, keeping his child, his daughter, safe and shielded from the world for just one moment; safe…his….

Brianna


It was only sudden, ripping, screaming panic that yanked him out of the quiet calm, searching wildly, fumbling with desperate hands—

But relief tore from his throat just as suddenly as he found a second page: 

Not everything can be captured in a photograph, of course (that’s what they’re called. Did I ever tell you about them?), and there’s so much I long to tell you about this wonderful person.

Will you believe she’s been taller than me since the age of thirteen? She carries it like a queen, though, like I imagine your mother did. She doesn’t slouch or try to hide. Not Bree. 

Oh, yes: most people call her Bree, for short. 

She bites her nails, when she’s thinking hard. I don’t even think she notices when she’s doing it.

She’s absolutely brilliant, Jamie, studying at one of the top universities in the world to be a historian. You would be so very proud of her. 

She’s not perfect, of course. Perhaps her biggest flaw as half-Scottish is that she HATES whisky, haha. I’ll do my best to win her over, though, don’t you worry. 

She’s a spectacular artist, another way in which she takes after her grandmother. She captures you, completely. 

That statement, actually, is true in more ways than one. Our Brianna is captivating, in every way. 

She’s an absolute wonder with maths and figures —as natural to her as breathing, it seems, just like they are for you. 

She smiles in her sleep, just like her father. 

She’s so like you, Jamie, it breaks my heart. 

After Frank died—But Lord, I haven’t said anything of him. 

It was two years ago. He had a good, full life, and he loved Bree more than anything in the world. He could have been cruel, could have taken out his anger upon the child, the very breathing manifestation of the ways in which I’d betrayed him—but he didn’t. From the moment he first held her, Frank loved her as his own, and while things between he and I were tenuous, to say the least, I will always love him for the father he was to her, for the sacrifices he made for her. I hope that is a comfort to you, and not a blow. 

After he was gone, after giving her time to grieve, it felt important that Bree should know about you, about the stones. It took—well, it frankly took a bloody lot of luck and a jolly good miracle to get her to believe, *but she does.* She loved Frank with all her heart, but she knows now that Jamie Fraser was her father. IS her father. 

You should know that she was instrumental in finding you. She persisted when I would have faltered under the doubts and the fears. As ecstatic and overjoyed as I was at the news that you were alive, I was so afraid Jamie, for you, for me, for Bree. 

Even though I know she, too, was plagued with fears, she remained strong; and she kept ME strong. Even at the very stones, when I was so wracked with guilt over leaving her forever that I would have stayed, for her sake, she was there to strengthen me, to tell me not to look back. She said that she was giving me back to you, and that if I didn’t go, *she* would. ‘Someone has to find him and tell him I was born,’ she said, and she meant it. 

THAT is the kind of person your daughter is growing to be, Jamie: determined, and brilliant, and selfless for the sake of those she loves; *and that includes you.* She asked me to give you a kiss, just from her. I’ve left it here, on the page, for you to keep, always. 

Brianna has been the greatest joy of my life since we parted, a joy that would have been richer only if I had been granted the grace to raise her with you at my side. Thank you for her. THANK YOU for making me go on, for her sake. Despite everything, it has been a good life. Even in those long years of grief, I had the joy of seeing you every day, of seeing your spirit, there in the child of our love. And I’m so very grateful. 

I’ll keep telling her about you. There wasn’t enough time, before I left. She’ll be able hear everything, now. I promise. 

Jamie shook his head hard, fast, feeling for a third page that wasn’t there. “No…” 

Be happy, Jamie Fraser, and LIVE. 

“No,” he moaned. his eyes clinging to the fleeting words, even as he begged them not to stop. “Claire…”

Love, always

“Mo nighean donn, don’t —  

Claire


Those next seconds were everlasting, each terrible, catastrophic truth echoing in his soul like the toll of a great bell, over and over. 

She had been here

Claire had been here

She left

Claire left

Because Jenny—


She was sitting at the bottom of the staircase, crying hard into Ian’s shoulder. When the study door crashed open, her head shot up and she jumped to her feet, her face pure terror. “Jamie, mo ch—”

“When?” He snarled it, and Jenny convulsed with a deep sob like a swallowed scream, and covered her face with her hands. 

Jamie was thundering toward her, a veil of red over his vision as he demanded, “WHEN?” 

Ian—in a shockingly deft and smooth movement given the leg—shot to his feet, shielding Jenny from Jamie’s rage with his body. 

In all truth, the rational parts of Jamie’s mind were glad for Ian’s presence, for that was the only thing keeping the blood rage from taking control, from taking revenge. “WHEN was she here, woman?” he bellowed over Ian’s shoulder,  “How fucking long did ye see fit to keep—”

Ian shoved him, eyes blazing. “You’ll NOT talk that way to—” 

Mor—ning—”Jenny sobbed, her voice a strangled whisper, “—gone before—Jamie! Oh, JamieI ken I’ll—never for—give mys—for—” 

HOW MANY MONTHS?”  he roared, overtaken by despair, overtaken by rage, becoming a nameless beast under it. “HOW MANY YEARS, JENNY?” 

“This morning—” she wailed, “To—TO—DAY—” 

Nothing. 

Silence. 

And then a great wave, tall as a mountain, rose up within Jamie, blasting out everything within him in a single cataclysmic moment of clarity. 

Today

T O D A Y

Then she was—

She could be no more than—

He vaulted up the stairs four at a time, paying no heed to Janet and Wee Ian and the others who were gathered at the top of the staircase, wide-eyed and pale and gaping.

Less than a minute later, he thundered back down past them all, breeks only half-laced under his boots, traveling bag on his back. 

“No,” Jenny moaned, grasping at his sleeve as he passed and trying to hold him back. “Jamie, ye canna—Ye CANNA catch her, she's—GONE—she’s—”

He shook her off, hard enough to knock her off-balance, and ran to the kitchen, shoving what food he could lay his hands on into his sack and moving straight to the door, so crazed with determination he could barely see what it was he took. Food didn’t matter. Fatigue, already tugging at him, didn’t matter. Claire was— 

“Jamie, she’s nearly a day ahead—” Jenny caught the handle just as he did, eyes absolutely wild. “Ye dinna even ken where she’s bound or—” 

He spared his sister one look, and let all the hate and contempt, the rage and the betrayal show there as he growled, “I ken precisely where she’s bound.” 


I work as a camp counselor with pre-schoolers over the summer and being around little kids is always really positive for my relationship with food. Little ones are constantly encouraged to eat, so they will do the same thing to me, and say things like, “we have to eat so we can be strong!” I’m trying to apply that attitude to myself this summer. Just like I tell my picky eaters they need to eat a full lunch so they have energy to run & play, I need to do the same thing to have energy to care for them. Ana can tell me all the lies she wants, I know truth comes from the mouths of 4 year olds.

Moon of Fire Part iv (Sastiel Sequel)

*NSFW* Thank you guys for your amazing Sastiel support! I love seeing your reactions on each part, and every time you notice the little things I add, it puts a massive smile on my face! And to @azrielsiphons  for your Azriel blessings, you are a gem, Moe. I hope everyone enjoys this very fluffy part of Sastiel’s story.

If you haven’t read A Court of Fire and Dreams:
Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV and Part V.

Moon of Fire:
Part i, Part ii, Part iii, Part iv, Part v

*****

“ASTERIN STOP,” Seraphine yelled.
The Ironteeth witch didn’t listen.
Asterin jumped from her wyvern, her dark golden hair swaying in the night breeze. The rest of the Thirteen encircled them from above. They were armed with deadly bows and arrows that were aimed towards Kastiel. Seraphine’s heart hammered against her chest.
“Asterin stop,” she tried again.
But the challenge in Azriel’s eyes made Asterin livid.
She didn’t back down from what could only be a great fight.
“He’s mine,” she declared to no one in particular—yet to everyone all at once.
Azriel parried her blow with his own sword.
The clang of metal on metal was loud—deafening—ringing all around them and out into Oakwald Forest.
Seraphine and Kastiel watched on as Asterin met his sword again, her attacks seemingly random, yet precise all at once. It was almost beautiful, the way they calculated each other’s advances. Asterin always the first to strike, and Azriel, meeting her every blow. He never raised his sword to maim—only to defend.
Azriel’s shadows swirled around him, around his open wound where the tip of Asterin’s arrow still made a home in his chest.
You could tell that this aggravated Asterin, the way he was the one who was injured, disadvantaged, wounded, yet he was playing with her, toying with the Wing Leader of the Thirteen.
Asterin threw her sword to the ground.
Azriel, raised his eyebrows in reply as if to say this is how we’re fighting now?
She ran towards him, her nails coming up to his face, the iron tips glinting in the moonlight. Asterin swiped her iron claws towards Azriel’s face. He flared his wings behind him, dodging her attacks.
The Ironteeth witch snarled.
She tried again—her right hand coming towards his face, whilst her left hand grabbed his upper arm. A more calculated attack—an attack only a Wing Leader would dare.
Azriel was caught in surprise as her iron teeth bit into his skin.
Taking advantage of his stunned expression, Asterin twisted her body, coming down low to kick Azriel’s legs from under him.
But he anticipated her move.
In fact, it was as if, he wanted it to happen.
Azriel exploded into mist and shadows, before appearing behind Asterin.
His arm encircled around her, his breathing heavy, his chest rising and falling behind her.
Azriel’s sword met the soft part of her neck.
“That was different,” he whispered into her ear.
And when they met eyes, when Asterin saw his shadows, was surrounded by it, she smiled, revealing her iron teeth, stained with Azriel’s blood.

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Six Years


You couldn’t believe what you were seeing from your upstairs window. There it was, all shiny and still in the best shape possible for her age. His beloved impala parked on the curb, the tall, bowlegged man headed towards your door. Your heart was racing. You and Dean Winchester had not parted on good terms. In fact, you stated you never wanted to see him ever again, amongst a string of curse words. You desperately wished that he would have stayed away.

  It took you six years to get over Dean Winchester. Six long years of misery after he stated that he didn’t have the same feelings towards you, that you were just a convenient lay for him when he was staying in town. Dean didn’t break your heart, he shattered it and kicked it into the dirt like it was something replaceable. Now here he was, headed towards your doorstep. 

  You were hyperventilating. You couldn’t handle this, you couldn’t handle seeing his face again. You knew yourself, you would give into him, you would forgive him and let him back into your life knowing he was going to stomp over your heart once more. Girls like you didn’t matter to him. 

  The doorbell rang and your body stayed stagnant. You willed yourself to stay put, to not give into him, to not set yourself up for another six years of heartache. The loud sound of banging filled your ears next. They were consistent and needy almost. Damn it Y/N.

  Before you could even register what you were doing, you were standing in front of the door. You were going to be strong about this. You were going to state your ground, you were going to be stern. You were going to be the badass Y/N that you deep down craved to be. 

  You unlocked the door, swinging it open. Dean was standing there, both hands on the doorway. He looked up at you, the tip of his tongue peaking out past his lips. He looked much older than when you had last seen him. He was darker; rougher. 

  “Hi Y/N,” he said casually. You were half ready to slam the door in his face, and maybe that’s what you should have done.

  “What do you want, Dean?” you asked coldly, your arms crossing over your body in defence.

  “I miss you,” he breathed out, almost inaudibly. You were tempted to roll your eyes. 

  “Congratulations?” you chuckled. 

  “Guess I deserved that one,” he stated. “I know we left things on a very bad note, but I did what I had to. I had to leave and I had to be sure that you would’t follow, that you wouldn’t call, that you wouldn’t search high and dry trying to find me. But believe me when I say that walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve had to do,” he paused, taking a deep breath, composing himself. He stood up straight, shoving his hands in his front pockets. “I lied when I told you that I didn’t love you. Fuck, you were the best part of my life and that time we did spend together was damn near perfect. I know I screwed up, big time! But I wanted to let you know that I still love you, god I love you more than I’ll ever be able to tell you. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I can’t live with myself without knowing I at least tried to win you back.”

  “I want to know everything,” you demanded. You were proud of yourself. Your voice was loud and stern, it never wavered or sounded weak. You weren’t going to go easy on him. Not after what he put you through. “No more secrets, no more lies. I want to know it all, Dean.”

  “I will tell you everything,” he smiled weakly.

  “Come in,” you said calmly. “And put your tongue away. You’re not going to win me back by trying to be cute.”

  “Oh sweetheart, we both know you think I’m adorable.”

Keep reading

Love and Trust Part 1/2 (Lafayette x BritishSpy!Reader)

Requested By: @lunettedisdemonsa

Summary: After you decided to support England in their fight against the colonies, you sign up to become a spy. After being sent to the colonies to discover Washington’s battle plans, you never thought you would meet a group of four men that would change your life. Who knew you would fall in love along the way?

Time Period: Hamiltime

Warnings: Implied smut, but it is not graphic at all, I mean I feel like no one will pick up on it.

Words: 4286

A/N: Hello!! I am finally done writing this part and ready to post it, and guys I am super excited for you to read it! The moment I read the prompt I knew I had to write this. This is part one out of two, so let me know if you would like to be tagged in the next (and final) part. To the user who requested this, I hope this is what you wanted, I’m sorry for the wait, and I hope you all enjoy. Have a fabulous day!!

Tag List: @arisu-chan003 @pearltheartist


From a young age you there were two things that you believed would always be true. The first was that England would always be your home. It was the place you grew up and you always thought it would be where you would grow old with your family. The second was that you and your brother would be best friends, never separated.

Unfortunately, the second thought was rudely ripped from you. When the colonies declared war on England, your brother enlisted right away. He wanted to protect his country and his family. Although you begged and pleaded with him to not go, he still departed anyway, but before he left, he promised you that he would return safe and sound.

Weeks later, there had been no word from your brother, and you were extremely worried. However, during that time you kept yourself busy and stayed strong. It wasn’t until a nervous looking, young man stood at your door holding an envelope did you finally break down.

Inside the envelope was a letter from your brother’s commander, stating that your brother had been shot in battle and died honorable. He offered his deepest condolences, but that wouldn’t bring your brother back. From that point forward, you promised yourself that you would as much as possible to support the cause your brother had so valiantly fought for.

At first, you worked with other woman and raised money to send to the troops, but that wasn’t enough. In your mind, you felt like you weren’t doing enough. It wasn’t until your heard some soldiers talking about spies, did you get your inspiration.

You headed to the local enrollment station and told them that you wished to be a British spy. It came as a surprise when they nodded and took you to a back room, to fill out the necessary papers. Not long after, a man in uniform came to give you your instructions.

“On behalf of the King’s army, I want to thank you for your service. However, you do realize the danger you will be in?”  he asked you, seriously.

You nodded. “Yes, I do, but I don’t care about the risks I want to do whatever possible to help England win the war. I want to honor my brother.” you explained.

The commander listened to your explanation and when you finished, he began to give you more details.  

“You will be sent overseas to the colonies, and once there, you will pose as a nurse in George Washington’s army. It will be your job to gather any and all information on strategies for upcoming battles.” 

You nodded to show your understand and curtsied before the man left. From there, you were giving papers that contained your information, a small sum of money to use in the colonies, and a ticket for a ship that was New York bound.

The next day, you stood on the ship and watched England fade into the distance. It was the only home you had ever known, and here you were leaving it all behind. However, you kept reminding yourself that it was for a good reason. You looked up at the sky and prayed that your brother would protect you for what was to come.

When the ship docked in New York, you first took notice of how busy everything was compared to England. After checking into the nurse’s station at General Washington’s army, you walked around trying to find a good place to start your mission.


You stood in the local patriot bar, glancing around nervously. Although you felt prepared, you were scared that you would let your brother down. After just staring off into space for a good few minutes, you shook the negative thoughts from your head and walked around.

All you needed to do was find a soldier who could easily let slip General Washington’s plans. As you glanced around, most men drinking looked solemn and most likely wanted to be left alone. That was when you spotted a group of four men havening a grand time, like the war wasn’t going on.
“Perfect.” you thought.

You made your way towards their table and “tripped” in front of them. Their attentions were immediately drawn to helping you. The man closest to you offered

“Mademoiselle, are you alright?” he questioned, his French accent thick.

“Uh…” you muttered, looking into the eyes of the incredibly handsome man in front of you. Quickly, you regained your composure, remembering your cover. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what is a beautiful mademoiselle like yourself doing here?” he asked, feeling the dame pull towards you that you felt towards him.

“Well, I’m a new nurse for General Washington’s army. I was looking to introduce myself, but most men here don’t want to be disturbed.” You explained, not letting yourself slip on your story.

“In that case, please join us, Mademoiselle…” he trailed off, silently asking for your name, as he ignored the looks from his friends.

“(y/n) Smith, and thank you Mr.…” you introduced.

“Oh, je suis désolé. My name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de La Fayette, Marquis de La Fayette.“ he laughed at your reaction to his long name. “but please call me Lafayette.” He told you as he offered you a seat at his table.
“Miss (y/n), these are my friends: Alexander Hamilton, John Laurens, and Hercules Mulligan.” Lafayette pointed to each man as he named them. “Mon amis, this is Miss (y/n) Smith.”

“Miss Smith, you have a very prominent English accent, yet you are working with us rebels?” Alexander asked, looking at you suspiciously along with Hercules.

You could feel your palms becoming sweaty, but you remained cool and collected. “I am from England, but I ran away from home. I didn’t agree with my parent’s views, so I came here to offer my help to the Revolution.” you lied, giving a sad look to make your story more convincing.

The boys looked at you sadly until the one with freckles, John, spoke up. “Well we are glad to have you here.” he exclaimed, merrily.

“Yes, we will be your family, mademoiselle.” Lafayette stated, throwing an arm around your shoulders. You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks.

“We’ll take care of you, as long as you help us when we get wounded.” Hercules chuckled, and Alexander offered you a comforting smile.

A smile graced your face and a warm feeling filled your body. These four men had just met you and they were willing to take you into their makeshift family.

“Snap out of it (y/n).” you thought. “You have a job to do.” You scolded yourself.

The night wore on and you laughed and had a great time with your new friends. It was the most fun you had had since the war started. Eventually, John had drunk a little too much.

On the walk, back to the tents, John stumbled around, a happy drunk.
“(y/n), o’ beautiful (y/n), give me a good night kiss?” he pleaded, leaning closer to you, lips puckered.

“Maybe another time, John.” You giggled and pushed him back towards Alexander and Hercules.

The two men wrapped an arm around John to support him. “We should get him back to the tents. “Hercules sighed.

“I’ll finish walking (y/n) back to her tent!” Lafayette exclaimed excitedly, as he linked your arm through his.

You bid Alex and Hercules a goodnight and thanked them for their kindness. A comfortable silence fell between you and Lafayette until you reached the outside of your tent. You turned to face him and smiled while looking into his beautiful eyes.

“May I see you again, (y/n)?” he asked and you felt your heat skip a beat.

“You may, Monsieur.” You smiled and he appreciated the attempts of using his native language.

“How about a good night kiss?” he asked, mocking john.

To his surprise, you stood on your toes and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. You whispered a goodnight and rushing into your tent, leaving behind a dazed Lafayette. That night, you laid in bed, only thinking of the Frenchman who had stolen your heart.


The week that followed, was one of the best of your life, despite being in the middle of a war. You were able to get closer to Lafayette and his friends, but mainly Lafayette. Most of the time you forgot you were supposed to be collecting vital information for the British.

You were give a harsh reminded after your first check-I, when the British officer asked what you had learned, you meekly told him nothing.

“That’s not why you are here!” he yelled. “You’ll have to do better for next time.” He warned and left.

You waited a few minutes and then left so as not to raise suspicion. It seemed like you would have to steer the conversation in a more military direction.

Once you arrived back to camp, Lafayette looked relieved. “Mademoiselle, where have you been?” he inquired.

“Oh, I was just taking a walk.” you lied, nervous he would see straight through you.

“Next time, S'il vous plaît, tell me and I will accompany you. It is not safe for a woman to be walking around alone. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you and I could have  prevented it.” he admitted.

“And you’ll never forgive me if you find out where I really was.” you thought bitterly, but responded. “Of course, I’m sorry for worrying you. It’s really sweet.” you told him with a flirty smile.

The next time you and the boys were all together wasn’t for a few days. They were all stressed out, especially Alex, being the General’s Right Hand Man. You were also stressed out between tending to dying soldiers and trying to steal battle plans.

The five of you were sitting in the same bar you met, talking about nothing in particular when you brought up the topic. “When do you think the British will attack again? It’s been quite a while, and I’m getting nervous.” you said, innocently.

“Not sure.” John answered through a mouthful of food and you sighed.

“But don’t worry,” Hercules added. “We’re planning to sneak up on their nearest camp by crossing the Hudson River from the south.” he explained and you smiled internally.

Later on, everyone left leaving and Lafayette alone. You failed to notice the sly smirks that Alex, John, and Hercules gave Lafayette as the walked away.

“(y/n),” he started looking quite nervous, but grabbed your small hand in his larger one. “I understand this may be incredibly forward, but I so enjoy your company. You are so beautiful, and kind, and intelligent,” he complimented, looking into your (y/e/c) eyes like they were the stars in the night sky. “Would, um, would you give me the honor of allowing me to court you?” he finally asked.

You looked at him with the brightest smile, so take aback by his confession. you took his hand and squeezed it before answering. “Of course, Lafayette, I would love that.” you squealed.

He beamed at you and went in to hug you. You, on the other hand, had a very different idea. You placed your hands on his cheeks and kissed him on the lips. It was pure magic, like fireworks were going off in your mind.

When the two of you pulled away for air, you blushed. Neither of you said anything. You just smiled and curled into Lafayette’s side. That is where you stayed the rest of the ight until he walked you back to your tent. Before leaving he gave you a chaste kiss and whispered,

“Bonne nuit, mon amour.”


A few days later, you and Lafayette were going strong as a couple. Of course you had to endure teasing from the boys, but you could manage. It made you happy, something you hadn’t been since before your brother died.

Unfortunately, you had to go into town and report any information you had gathered. This time you remembered to let Lafayette know of your whereabouts.

“Lafayette, I’m heading into town for a walk.” you informed him, poking your head into his tent.

“Alright, mon amour. I shall accompany you.” you stated and stood up.

Instantly, you began to panic. “No! No! Um, I mean, you don’t have to. I know how busy you are.” you collected yourself and smiled sweetly.

“Nonsense. I want to, how you say, taking a stroll with my love.” he stumbled with his accent.

“Okay.” you said meekly, as you let him guide you to town.

When the two of you reached town, you tried to get away from Lafayette, but he wouldn’t let  you out of his sight. He even bought you a rose saying, “A beautiful rose for mon belle amour.”

You blushed but mumbled, “Merci.”

It wasn’t until he went to buy a pastry to share with you, were you able to get away. You took the familiar path and waited in the alleyway behind the local church. It wasn’t long before the British officer arrived.

“What did you find out?” he asked coldly.

You swallowed before responding. “Washington is planning to take his troops up the South of the Hudson River to attach the nearest British camp. There will also be troops surrounding the camp, in case you decided to retreat.” you deluged.

“Good, thank you for your service. Report here, next week, same time.” he commanded and you nodded to show your understanding.

Both of you were about to leave when you froze. A very heavy French accent was calling your name. Lafayette was looking for you and his footsteps were fast approaching.

You knew there was no possible way the British officer would be able to live in time. You turned to him quickly. “Hit me! Make it seem like you’re going to attack me.” you whispered hurriedly.

Right as Lafayette rounded the corner where you were, the officer smacked your across the face resulting in a loud SMACK. You cried out in pain.

“Stupid girl!” the officer shouted. That will teach you to not go against an officer of the King.” He raised his hand, and you braced yourself for another blow but it never came.

Lafayette had grabbed the officer’s hand, and was now glaring at him dangerously. “Don’t you dare touch her!” he growled and the officer scampered away.

“Mon amour, are you alright?” he asked, caressing your face gently.

You nodded, slightly shaken by the recent events, despite you ordering them to occur. Lafayette took the time ot pepper your face with kisses, but was mindful of your still stinging cheek.

“Let’s get back to camp.” he whispered, helping you to your feet as you had been knocked down by the force of the blow.

The two of your reached camp and Lafayette kiss your hand farewell once you told him you were going to lay down.


Lafayette smiled at your sleeping form and kissed your forehead before heading out. He made his way to his tent where Alex, John, and Hercules already were.

“Mon amis!” He greeted and took a seat among his friends.

“Been gone a long time with (y/n), eh Lafayette.” John teased, nudging Lafayette in the side.

Lafayette’s face turned red before exhaling. “We went into town and (y/n) had a run-in with a British officer. I simply stayed with her until she fell asleep.”

Alexander and Hercules sparked a look of skepticism that did not go unnoticed by Lafayette. “What is it, mon amis?” he asked looking worried.

“Uh, it’s nothing, Laf.” Hercules states, but Lafayette didn’t buy it.

“Non, non, what is it? Does it have to do with (y/n)?”

“You could say that.” Alexander mumbled, letting out an “ow.” after Hercules jabbed his elbow into Alex’s side.

“You’re making me nervous, please tell me.” Lafayette pleaded.

Alexander sighed and looked at the floor. “Hercules and I don’t think (y/n) is who she says she is.” he admitted.

Lafayette looked shocked at the accusation made by his friend. “You think she’s…” he trailed off.

“We think she’s a British spy!” Deciles said, tired of everyone beating around the bush.

“That’s ridiculous!” Lafayette shouted, not even being able to fathom the idea of you being a spy for England. “I don’t know what evidence you think you have, but I don’t want to hear it!” he shouted.

At this point, you had waken up and went looking for Lafayette. You stood outside his tent, overhearing what he said next.

“I don’t care because I know ether. I trust my heart and I can listen to what it’s telling me. It’s telling me that (y/n) is the one, my soulmate. I love her.” he confessed, glancing around the room at his friends.

“Of course she’s your soulmate, Laf. The two of you are perfect together.” John smiled, trying to diffusion the tension.

You chose this moment to make your presence known. All eyes were on you as you spoke, “Do you really mean that, Lafayette? You love me?”

He turned to look at you, eyes wide. “I, if, yes.” He admitted. “I love you, (y/n).”

Tears welled up in your eyes and you took small steps towards Lafayette. “I love you too.” You confused and a huge grin spread across the Frenchman’s face.

You took the last few steps towards the man you loved. As soon as you were close enough, you wrapped your arms behind his heck before you smashed your lips against his in a mind blowing kiss.

By the time the two of you pulled apart, Alex, John, and Hercules had left, leaving you and Lafayette alone.

You stayed at him with such passion and love, to which he returned the gaze. Lafayette brought you back into a kiss, this time leading you to his cot. Once the two of you were sitting down, your watched to remove his uniform jacket and shirt, never braking the kiss. “Wait, wait, (y/n). We have to stop.” Lafayette panted. “This isn’t right, we aren’t married.” he explained.

You shook your head and looked into Lafayette’s eyes. “I don’t care if it’s proper. I love you Gilbert and this is what I want. As long as you do too.” You reasoned, kissing his lips quickly but softly. “I do too.” he admitted, searching your face to make sure his is what you truly wanted. When he found no signs of discontent, he kissed you heatedly again and laid you down on his cot.


Later that evening, Alex and Hercules were talking amongst themselves.

I know Laf thinks otherwise, but there is something extremely suspicious about (y/n).” Hercules admitted.

“I agree.” Alex said. “She is extremely kind, but she seems to be too in involved in Washington’s strategies. I can only think of one reason as to why that would be.”

Hercules sighed. “Perhaps we should give her the benefit of the doubt and trust Lafayette’s feelings. After all, she does make him happier than he has been in a long time.” he suggested.

Alex didn’t look convinced. “Maybe she is just as passionate about the Revolution as we are. Let’s just give her a bit longer to prove our suspicious wrong.” Hercules explained.

“Okay.” Alex mumbled, not truly convinced. He would give you to the benefit of the doubt until he saw an opportunity to prove otherwise.


When the sun peaked through the tent, you opened your eyes, wrapped in Lafayette’s arms. You smiled and snuggled further into his chest as you felt him tracing patterns on your back.

“Morning, mon amour.” he whispered and pressed a light kiss on your neck.

You shivered. “Good morning.” you turned to face Lafayette, tucking back the curly hair that fell in front of his face. “I love you.” you told him.

“Je t'aime aussi.” he responded, gazing into your (y/e/c) eyes.

After spending a few more minutes enjoying each other’s embrace, you got dressed, ready to face the day. That day, you and Lafayette were together as often as possible. His hand on the small of your back, brushing fingertips, longing gazes. None of these actions went unnoticed by the guys.

This lovey, dovey attitude continued on for the next couple of days. You felt closer to Lafayette than you had ever felt to any one else. You loved it.

Eventually, you came down from your high and remembered you were basically living a double life. You knew you couldn’t keep fooling Lafayette; you had to get out.

You had seen how passionate these men were about the Revolution and you couldn’t hold them accountable for your brother’s death. You had found friends and a family, and true love. You only hoped your brother wouldn’t be disappointed with you wherever he was.

The next time you had to check in with your officer, Lafayette was busy. Although you knew he didn’t approve, you snuck out of town and made your way to the alley behind the church.

Wen the officer approached, you took a deep breath. You knew what you had to do.

“What are Washington’s latest tactics?” he asked gruffly.

“They believe they can win against England, but they aren’t prepared. Meet them at Yorktown and you will active huge success. Then, you can retreat to the Chesapeake Bay where they have abandoned their camps.” you lied and prayed that he wouldn’t be able to tell.

“Thank you for your service, Miss. You are doing a great honor for your country.” he saluted and left you to your thoughts.”

Once you were sure that the British solider had left, you turned around, prepared to head back to General Washington’s camp. What you weren’t prepared for was seething Alexander, standing mere feet from you.

Instantly, a ball of nerves settles in your stomach. “What if Alexander had heard you talking to the officer? What if he went back to camp and told Lafayette?” These thoughts swirled through your mind, until you decided to play the innocent card.

“Alexander, what are you doing here?” you asked him, sweetly.

You knew that that was the wrong route to take, when Alex glared at you even further. Slowly, he took menacing steps towards you, and for every step he took forward, you took one backwards.

“How dare you?” Alexander screamed harshly, as he pointed an accusing finger in your face.

“I know it looks bad, but I can explain. You see-” you began.

“You can explain?!” he mocked. “There is nothing to explain, (y/n), if that even is your name. You are a traitor and that is that.” he yelled.

“Alex, please, listen to me. My name is (y/n), although my last name is actually (y/l/n). Anyway, you have to believe me, I’m not giving away General Washington’s plans. I-I lied to him, to throw the British off.” you hurriedly tried to explain.

“Do you actually expect me to believe that?” he spat. “I can’t believe we trusted, I can’t believe I trusted you. I can’t believe Lafayette trusted you! He loves you! Was that your plan the whole time? Lead him on, get the information you needed, and break his heart when you left?” Alexander questioned, now only inches from your face.

By this point, tears had began to stream down your face. You never expected things to work out like this; it’s not like you wanted to get caught.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments. you didn’t dare breath and the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“Leave, (y/n).” Alexander commanded finally, his voice low.

You looked up from the ground and started at the man in front of you, wearing a confused expression. “Wait, what? Y-you-” you stuttered, trying to understand what was going on. If you were to be completely honest, you had thought these would be your last moments, before you would be dragged away to be executed.

“Leave.” he repeated, but this time sounding more dangerous if that was even possible.

“But I thought-” you were interrupted for what felt like the millionth time.

“I should be turning you into to Washington, you traitor.” he spat. “You should be arrested and executed for your crimes, but I’m going to give you one chance to leave. It would kill Lafayette if he knew he had fallen in love with a British spy. It will hurt him to see that you just vanished, but it’s better this way for him. You don’t deserve him, but because he loves you I’m going to give you one chance to get out of this country.” Alexander explained.

“And if I see or hear that you have come back, I swear that you will be tried for your crimes.” he threated. “Do you understand?”

You nodded and quietly. There was a part of you that wanted to stay, to stay for Lafayette. However, you saw Alexander was deadly serious on his threats. You sprinted all the way back to camp where you avoided being seen by your friends. Quickly, you packed a small bag and ran again until you reached the docks.

After waiting in line to buy a ticket, you stood on the dock, waiting for the ship to accept passengers. The tears you had been holding in fell as an officer on the ship took your ticket and let you aboard.

About thirty minutes later, the boat was ready to leave New York and sail off to England. You stayed above deck and watched the shore become a faint outline in the distance. Just a memory of true happiness. A memory you would never be returning to.

Soulmates Don’t Exist - (0.9k)

HELLO! :D I just want to give a big shoutout to @pandaanna01 because it’s her BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNA!

This fic is dedicated to her and her love of soulmate AUs :D 


Baz

The topic comes up out of the blue. I’m sitting on Snow’s couch, reading, while Snow is laying on his back with his head tucked into the side of my hip. I was sure he had dozed off earlier, but he speaks up suddenly.

“Do you believe that soulmates exist?” 

Keep reading

don't leave

Requested.

masterlist

word count: 3,184 (holy shit)

**warning: SMUT**

“It upsets me to think this is our last day together for months.” I confessed to Shawn, who was currently laying on the couch with his head in my lap, engrossed in a movie. My words made him turn his head to look at me. He looked up at me through beautiful brown eyes.

“Then just don’t think about it and you won’t be upset.” he said with a shrug. Oh what a wonderful solution you have there, Shawn. I wish it were that easy.

“It’s just not that easy. You’re going on a world tour, I’m going to college. You have other friends, Shawn, I don’t. All I have is you.”

“You have friends other than me. There’s no way I’m your only friend.” he teased.

“I have acquaintances, not friends.” I informed. “These acquaintances also won’t be going to the same school as me.”

“Nobody else could get into the school you’re going to because not everyone can be a fucking mega genius like you.” Shawn said, sounded irritated.

“Is that any way to talk to your best friend who made sure you passed physics and graduated?” I asked, wiggling my eyebrows at him. His facial expression softened at my tone and he no longer seemed angry. We sat in silence for another hour or so, long enough for the movie to be over. Shawn’s friend had suggested the movie and it sucked, if I’m being honest. We decided on watching The Notebook after that, one we both always loved.

We sat next to each other, my head on Shawn’s shoulder but in a platonic, nothing-more-than-friends way. It had gotten to the scene where Allie was kissing ice cream off of Noah’s lips and I felt Shawn laughing. I pulled away from his shoulder to look at him.

“What is it?” I queried, not being able to avoid the smile spreading across my lips from hearing his laugh.

“Wouldn’t it be amazing to be that in love with somebody?” he said. It made my heart sink because, until just now, I had managed to put away my thoughts about how in love I am with Shawn. I had hoped that just this one time we could be together without my thoughts interrupting what should only be friendship with Shawn. My throat felt dry and my eyes stung after he said the words. It was just a simple question, but to me it showed that he wasn’t in love with anyone, including me.

I managed to nod my head then scoot a few inches away from Shawn. I continued watching the movie, not being able to help but imagine Shawn and I being that in love with each other. Sadly, the love was only one sided. We definitely loved each other, but he only loved me as a best friend and I loved him with all I had in me. I realized in this moment I should have told him a long time ago. I should have confessed my feelings because now, we won’t see each other for months so it’s too late.

Shawn and I had planned to spend the whole day together but once the movie was over I felt too lost in my thoughts to stick around.

“I guess I should head home now.” I said softly, starting to stand up.

“What? Why?” Shawn asked, sounding concerned. I looked back at him and he looked hurt that I wanted to leave so early. “I thought you were staying all day?” I wanted to stay, I wanted it more than anything but I couldn’t focus on being his best friend when I was too busy thinking about being his girlfriend. My face felt hot and my eyes stung again, I could feel that they were tearing up. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Shawn grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb over mine. I desperately tried to keep the tears in but I couldn’t help one from falling. A single tear ran down my left cheek and I wiped it away quickly.

“Y/N, please tell me what’s wrong? Did I do something or say something? Come here.” Shawn begged. He lead me to the couch and I sat across from him with my legs crossed.

This was it, this is when I have to tell him. I thought to myself.

I was a horrible liar and Shawn knew better than anyone when I was lying. My voice went higher than usual and my cheeks always turned pink after I realized how ridiculous the lie was. If I lied, he would know. I should just save myself the trouble of making up a lie and tell him.

“I just really don’t want us to have to leave each other because-”

“Because why?” He interrupted.

“Because I hate not being able to see you.” I said, stalling as long as I could.

“Why are you so upset though? I have to leave all the time and you don’t cry, do you?”

“No, but it’s different this time. I’m leaving for college so when you come home, I won’t be here. When I come home, you won’t be here, Shawn. It’s so different this time.”

“It’s not that much diff-”

“Yes, it is, Shawn! You don’t understand!” I said, raising my voice at him without meaning to.

“Then make me understand, Y/N. What is different about leaving this time?”

“Because I’m fucking in love with you and I have to leave you! You’re the reason why I’m going to college in Toronto, so I can be close to you when you come home.” I gasped when I realized that I told him. I actually told Shawn how I felt instead of keeping it to myself like I had for the past half of a year.

“Do you honestly think that I’m not in love with? Why do you think I’ve stayed here and haven’t gotten an apartment in New York or Los Angeles or wherever I want?” He paused. I only stared, waiting for him to continue. He ran his fingers through his thick hair out of frustration. “It kills me every time I have to leave you. You don’t even understand. I should have told you sooner, but I love you. I love you so damn much that it hurts. I’ve seen you get your heart broken multiple times and I have done absolutely nothing about it. I should have told you a long time ago, I’m sorry that we had to tell each other like this.”

“Shawn, don’t apologize. I should have told you a long time ago as well.” I cooed. I rubbed his arm in an attempt to calm him. “What does this mean for us?”

“What do you want it to mean?” He asked, looking up at me with his rich, caramel colored eyes. My own eyes stared into his for a moment, as if I was searching for the answer in his eyes. I exhaled sharply but slowly before giving him an answer.

“I want to make this work if you want to. I want to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” I spoke. His eyes lit up at my words.

He moved closer to me and I didn’t move, I let him inch closer. I watched his every move and then he took my hand in his. Shawn’s fingers laced with mine and I waited for him to do something more. I knew I wouldn’t be able to force myself to initiate a kiss, so I waited for Shawn.

I stared into Shawn’s eyes and his face came closer to mine. A few small tears still lingered on my cheeks and Shawn kissed them away. The feeling of his lips on my skin felt phenomenal, I couldn’t describe the feeling. I breathed hard and sporadically. Shawn’s lips hovered over mine, our lips barely grazing against each other. I surprised myself when I closed the gap. I pressed my lips against his soft, smooth lips. We both smiled, causing us to bump our teeth together. We both laughed because it wasn’t awkward, it felt right. We knew each other so well already that this just felt right. This was how it was supposed to be all along.

Our lips moved together while Shawn’s hands rested on my waist. His soft skin lingered on my lips and he began to pull away. I grabbed the material of his shirt, pulling him back into me.

“Please. Don’t stop.” I breathed out against his lips. My breath was hot and short, I needed his lips on mine so badly that I couldn’t breathe properly. He smiled then kissed me once more. His tongue now traced over my bottom lip and I whimpered lightly at the feeling. Just simple touches from him were driving me insane. I had been craving kisses like these for so long now that this moment felt like pure bliss. His tongue moved against mine slowly and gently, but the kiss grew heated. Shawn’s teeth sunk into my bottom lip and I gasped at the feeling.

His lips now pressed against my neck and it felt delightful. My eyelids closed slowly at the feeling. I didn’t want to focus on anything but Shawn’s lips on my skin right now, but Shawn made that an easy task. His soft lips fluttering on my skin lightly made me shiver. His long fingers traced circles on my hips under my shirt. I now laid underneath him, he hovered over me but pressed his lower half into me. I could feel a slight bulge growing in his jeans and couldn’t help the smirk that grew on my lips.

We kept kissing for a while longer, until both our lips were raw and we had both kissed what little bit of skin that was exposed with all our clothing still on. Shawn’s fingers fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, obviously wanting to take it off.

“Bedroom?” He asked quickly in between sweet pecks on each other’s lips. I nodded and he grabbed my hand, I then followed to his room. Once in his room with the door closed, his fingers moved under my shirt again. He looked into my eyes to make sure it was okay and I gave him a look of approval. He peeled my shirt off and tossed it to the floor. Shawn moved over me on his bed. He kissed my still bra-clad chest delicately. My whole body erupted with a feeling I had never felt with any other guy before Shawn. He slipped his fingers under my bra straps and slid them down my shoulders. His hands were soon at my back to unclasp my bra.

Suddenly, I felt insecure. I felt like I wouldn’t be enough for him. I inhaled deeply while he removed my bra, hoping he wouldn’t be disappointed. Before I could process what was happening, Shawn’s mouth was on my breasts. His lips first kissed lightly, then sucked on my sensitive skin. His tongue teased my nipples and I ran my fingers through his hair. I moaned and whimpered from his touch and he hummed, his throat vibrating against me in response.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” Shawn kissed my stomach right above the button of my pants. I grew nervous because up until this point, I knew what I was doing and I knew what to expect. I’d had sex a couple times before, sure, but Shawn was much more experienced than I was. Even through the nerves, though, my centre throbbed for Shawn.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Shawn asked me. My nerves wanted me to say no, but I did want this. I had wanted it, needed it for so long. I told him yes and he continued. His kissed my hips while unbuttoning my pants. They slid down my legs and dropped to the floor with the rest of my clothing. I realized then that Shawn was still fully clothed. He hovered over me again to kiss me. His tongue played with mine and I pushed his shirt up while kissing him, hinting that I wanted it off. He pulled the fabric over his toned abdomen and chest and I nearly felt my heart stop in that moment.

I had seen Shawn shirtless many times but I never really could admire him like I wanted. This time, my eyes scanned over him slowly, taking in every detail of all the ridges and valleys of his body. Shawn asked again if I was sure that I wanted this, I told him again that I did. His long fingers rubbed my core through the damp cloth of my underwear. I squirmed under his touch, even though it was barely anything compared to what would come next. His hands hooked around my panties and removed them. I was now completely nude in front of Shawn for the very first time, something I thought would never happen.

He slipped his middle finger into me, causing me to gasp. His finger worked slowly inside me, trying not to build up the pressure too quickly. Shawn’s mouth made its way to my pussy, licking enthusiastically over my clit. I moaned for him over and over. I soon lost all control over holding off my orgasm. Shawn’s tongue flicked up and down my clit and his finger curled inside me. I arched my back and Shawn now had to hold my legs apart. I came so blissfully and Shawn drug out my orgasm until it was almost painful.

He moved from between my legs with a smile on his face. He wiped his mouth dry with his hand after licking my juices off his finger. A thought occurred to me, I wondered how many times he had done that to be so amazing at it. I also wondered how many times he had done what we were about to do. It was a stupid thing to think, but the experience I lacked in this area made me think this way.

I started to remove Shawn’s jeans. I unbuttoned them eagerly because I wanted to please him like he had just pleased me. Taking his jeans off revealed a prominent bulge in his underwear, which made me even wetter, if that was possible at this point. I inched the waistband of his boxers down until they were off him completely. I took his length in my hand, unsure of what to do but he seemed to enjoy it. I jerked my hand upwards on his cock and he moaned quietly. Shawn’s much larger hand pushed mine away, I thought that maybe it was because he didn’t like it as much as I had presumed.

“You’re going to have to stop. I want to last for you, Y/N.” he spoke. I felt my cheeks heat up at the thought of making him feel so good that he may cum. He searched in his nightstand drawer for a condom. He rolled it onto his hard length after tearing open the wrapper.

“Y/N, I’m only going to ask you one more time and please be honest, are you sure, absolutely sure you want to do this with me?” He said sweetly, lovingly. I started to second guess this whole thing. It was too soon, we just confessed our feelings for each other barely an hour ago. However, if we didn’t do this now, it would be months before we ever got to. I didn’t think I could wait that long.

“I’m completely sure, Shawn. I want this, I need this with you. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.” I assured him. He lined himself up at my entrance and kissed my forehead before pushing into me. I winced at the slight discomfort but was no longer hurting after four very slow and steady thrusts.

“Are you okay?” Shawn said, sounding concerned. I nodded and he kept thrusting at a slow pace. I could tell his thrusts were shallow and I was no longer hurting, therefore I wrapped my legs around him. This pushed his length deeper inside me than it had previously been.

“Oh, Shawn.” I gasped. I looked up at Shawn to see him biting his lip while watching himself thrust in and out of me. He looked as if he was struggling with keeping it at such a slow pace from the way his chest was rising so rapidly. He slid into me with ease now and finally, finally bottomed out. We both moaned at the feeling.

“Faster,” I begged, once the feeling of pain and discomfort was completely gone. Shawn looked into my eyes first, just to be sure, then sped up the pace of his thrusts. I could tell this speed pleasured him much more than the previous one and it was a pleasurable feeling for me as well. Shawn’s moans were more frequent and drawn out now. I moaned just as often, maybe even more than Shawn did. He knew how to make this feel so wonderful and different than it had ever felt for me before.

One hand was in Shawn’s hair and the other gripped onto his bicep, my nails digging into his skin. With each thrust I came closer to my climax and Shawn made it hard to not come undone so soon. I tensed around him after a deep thrust. I became short of breath and Shawn could sense I was close. He thrusted faster and I could barely take it. I clenched around his dick, because I wanted to feel every inch of him and also because I couldn’t control it.

Shawn’s hands were placed on my waist in an attempt to get a better grip while he thrusted. Just one more hard, deep thrust pushed me over into euphoric bliss all because of Shawn. I couldn’t believe he could make me feel this way, make me feel like no one else ever had. I grew more sensitive with every second that passed while Shawn brought himself to his orgasm. He pushed in and out of me sloppily and by the time I felt warm liquid fill the condom, I was more sensitive than ever before. Shawn hissed profanities through his teeth.

Shawn threw the condom away then left to clean up. He returned some minutes later and gave me a shirt of his to throw on. I slipped into it and took in his scent. Shawn lay beside me and we just looked at each other with our arms wrapped around one another. We took in the beautiful sight of each other with that post-orgasm glow we now both had. Inevitably, I thought of how we were both leaving tomorrow. It made my heart break into tiny pieces.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave me tomorrow.” I whispered.

“I wish I didn’t either. But when we both come home, I’m yours and you’re mine, yeah?” He spoke. A smile spread across my lips and I nodded to agree. I pecked his lips softly. The feeling of being his was overwhelming.

The worst in us - part 4

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Bucky x reader, Steve x reader

Warnings: Cheating. Lots of pics from Chris Evans/Steve Rogers. BuckyNat.

Word count: 4.250 - ish (not counting the recap from the last chapter)

Summary: Y/N and Bucky continue their conversation at the café and make a huge decision regarding their relationship.

A/N: Inspired by the word “Onsra” (Boro) - that heart-wrenching feeling you get when you realise a love won’t last. Written for @howlingbarnes her “languages of Love” challenge.

A/N p.2: my favorite chapter!!!!!!!!!!

Series masterlist

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“I’d love to sit here and preach about how I’ve grown and about how time heals all wounds, but, sadly I’d be lying. Mom, you are the reason I am the way I am you’re the reason I see myself as a monster. I wish I could sit here and say I remember my childhood but I remember only the parts that shaped me into what I am today.

I remember when I was 8 I came home and told you about a boy I thought was cute. That day you sat me down in your room and give me “the talk” with a sock and a banana. I was only eight. I thought nothing was wrong with my feelings, but you assured me I was wrong. I trusted you and buried my feelings. They wouldn’t be resurfaced until years later.

I remember I was nine and I spilled my milk. I guess I didn’t clean it well enough for you. Instead of waking me up to clean it you woke me up from my nap and proceeded to beat me as hard as you could for as long as you could. Every-time I cried you hit harder. From that day I learned to never cry.

I remember when I was ten I was on the chubby side and you directed me to look at the tv and made me stare at the boy who was skinnier than me. You told me to “be like him.” I left the room and cried in a corner but made sure you didn’t hear me. God forbid you hear.

The years from then to my most traumatic memory are a mystery the optimist in me hopes they were ok and you changed. No more hits no more hurt, but the realist in me knows I somehow slipped and made you hurt me. It’s ok, I deserved it. I deserve all the pain you give me.

I am 13 now, my feelings for boys have resurfaced. I tell you I think I’m bisexual so you can still maybe love me. My plan falls through the cracks and you freak out and choke me until I black out. I wake up in a corner with you hovering over me. You hold me in your room until I denounce my feelings, but of course, that wasn’t enough. You don’t let me leave your room instead you hit me until I can’t walk and I’m forced to stay home for 3 days. I slit my wrist in the next few days. You see these cuts of my skin and take me to “ the crazy house.” I’m admitted for a week. In this week you told me to lie to the therapist so I can go home. I don’t know why but I did. I lied and lied and lied until they let me go home to you. At least I know now to never trust you with my secrets. I hold my feelings and in the time to come, I finally come to terms with myself being gay. I don’t tell you this revelation until years later

I’m 15 all you have to say is “OK.” over the course of a week you let slip that I’m a disappointment and you make repeated “jokes” that you wish you had a normal son. I can no longer cry so instead I bottled the hatred and resentment and sadness you caused me over the years. It is two months before my birthday and I run away. You find me via police help and I go home and I get a concussion. I force myself to believe it was an accident even though I know you pushed me on purpose. You don’t mean it when you hurt me, do you?

I am 16 now, today I’m crying on my bathroom floor wondering how to undo the damage. I text you “ I want to die and I’m telling you this as a teen who needs his mom not as a dramatic kid” you text back “ don’t be so dramatic.” You’re right I’ll stop from now on, but Mom please know this is my demise and these years of hurt are to blame. So thank you for the birth of a boy and the death of a man.”

—  im dead and you’re to blame

TO THE GIRL WHO LOVED ME

Maybe the reason why she kept asking if I loved her was because of me. I’ve stopped showing her off—I no longer post her pictures, write status about her, or tag her with silly memes. I no longer reply to her comments of sweet nothings and she just deletes them when I ignore them. For me these were stupid stuff but these little things made her happy before.

I stopped kissing her at random moments. I no longer hug her when she’s scared, anxious, or insecure. Hell, I couldn’t even remember the last time I did. I didn’t know how to tell if she’s really okay or not because I stopped asking her if something’s bothering her. I no longer remind her how beautiful she is even if she only wears a big shirt. When was the last time her smile reached her eyes? No, she did smile. She smiled at me even when I hurt her, lied to her, ignored her.

She lost her best friend, her brother, her lover, when I stopped being them. I took myself away from her. And it hurts to know all these without realizing what I’ve done to her.

How could I give my attention to other girls without checking first if she’s okay? How could I text other girls and forget that she’s waiting for my messages? How could I allow myself to admire other girls without realizing I already have the best? I was too busy to see that she’s already drifting and I’m doing nothing to pull her back. And when I think of the idea of losing her, it broke my heart. It damaged me to think of some other guy making my girl happy, doing things we used to do, loving her the way I should.

No, I couldn’t lose the girl who stayed with me even after I broke her and cried herself to sleep. I couldn’t lose the one who only ever understood me, the only one who didn’t only tame my demons, but also danced with them. I couldn’t lose the girl who loved me when I didn’t love her enough. I couldn’t lose my best friend, my love, my world. She’s all things I need and I’m so stupid to only realize it now.

I’m sorry, my love. I love you. And I’d do anything in my power to keep you.

—hanzelwrites, Letters I Wish He Sent Me

✧  LADY GAGA LYRIC PROMPTS.

So Happy I Could Die :

❝ I love that lavender blond. ❞
❝ The way she/he/they moves the way she/he/they walks. ❞
❝ I touch myself can’t get enough. ❞
❝ And in the silence of the night. ❞
❝ Through all the tears and all the lies. ❞
❝ I touch myself and it’s alright. ❞
❝ Just give in don’t give up baby. ❞
❝ Open up your heart and your mind to me. ❞
❝ Just know when that glass is empty. ❞
❝ That the world is gonna bend. ❞
❝ So happy I could die. ❞
❝ Yeah I’ll love you forever. ❞
❝ Up in the clouds we’ll be higher than ever.  ❞

The Cure :

❝ I’ll undress you, ‘cause you’re tired. ❞
❝ Cover you as you desire. ❞
❝ When you fall asleep inside my arms. ❞
❝ May not have the fancy things. ❞
❝ But I’ll give you everything. ❞
❝ You could ever want, it’s in my arms. ❞
❝ So baby tell me yes. ❞
❝ And I will give you everything. ❞
❝ And I will be all yours tonight. ❞
❝ I will be right by your side. ❞
❝ If I can’t find the cure. ❞
❝ I’ll fix you with my love. ❞
❝ I’m gonna heal you anyway. ❞

Diamond Heart : 

❝ Lookin’ to be somethin’. ❞
❝ Out of school go-go'n for a hundred or two. ❞
❝ Some asshole broke me in. ❞
❝ Wrecked all my innocence. ❞
❝ And this dance is on you. ❞
❝ One, five, ten, lay a million on me. ❞
❝ Before the end of this song. ❞
❝ C'mon baby, do you have a boy/girlfriend?. ❞
❝ I’m not flawless, but I gotta diamond heart. ❞
❝ I might not be flawless, but you know. ❞
❝ I gotta diamond heart. ❞
❝ A cruel king made me tough. ❞
❝ Daddy’s girl’s never good enough. ❞

Million Reasons : 

❝ You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go. ❞
❝ You’re giving me a million reasons to quit the show. ❞
❝ You’re givin’ me a million reasons. ❞
❝ Give me a million reasons. ❞
❝ About a million reasons. ❞
❝ If I had a highway, I would run for the hills. ❞
❝ If you could find a dry way, I’d forever be still. ❞
❝ But you’re giving me a million reasons. ❞
❝ I bow down to pray. ❞
❝ I try to make the worst seem better. ❞
❝ To cut through all his worn out leather. ❞
❝ But baby, I just need one good one to stay. ❞
❝ Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare. ❞

Dancin’ in Circles : 

❝ Tap down those boots while I beat around. ❞
❝ Let’s funk downtown. ❞
❝ Funk me downtown. ❞
❝ I lay around, touch myself to pass the time. ❞
❝ Take a breath and I picture us in a place. ❞
❝ I fell down, I wish you were mine. ❞
❝ Up full night tryin’ to rub the pain out. ❞
❝ Dancin’ in circles, feels good to be lonely. ❞
❝ I’m singin’ dancin’ in circles. ❞
❝ Swirl around as if I’m someone else. ❞
❝ Your hands are mine. ❞
❝ I fool myself.  ❞