all ogre now

D&D 5e: Homebrew Cursed Magic Items

Cursed Wand of Magic Missile

Wand, requires attunement

This wand functions like a regular Wand of Magic Missile, but every time you use it it empties all of its charges and every single missile attacks the wielder, making a guttural burping noise with every missile hit. If the wielder is under the effects of a Shield spell, any missiles that hit the shield instead make a soft farting noise.

Cursed Spell Component Pouch

Regular Ole’ Item, attunes to anal-retentive Gumption Masters

This pouch causes you to actually need to keep track of spell components. Like for realsies. You have to go out and find pieces of copper wire, gather bits of bat guano, and make ointments out of peach syrup and cinnabar. And if you don’t have it, you can’t cast it. Not in the bag, get a red flag.

Cursed Sword of Withering

Any Sword, attunes to all editions

Using an Encounter power causes one of your Healing Surges to move creature up to 5 feet in any direction, dealing 1d7 temporary holy points unless you Will Save them.

Cursed Apparatus of Kwalish

Wondrous Item, attunes to its own beat

Each lever in the Apparatus serves a different function:

  1. The apparatus walks forward or backward
  2. A goblin enters the rear hatch
  3. Destroy target aura
  4. The apparatus gains +2/+1 until end of turn
  5. Draw a card, then discard a card
  6. Target wizard gains denimwalk and protection from sleeves
  7. Summon a 7/7 germ token
  8. Search the archive for a basic bland card, then put it onto the grid tapped, then destroy the archive
  9. Counter target nonapparatus spell
  10. 6d6 Storm Crows fly from the mouth of the apparatus to attack your foes. Each crow obeys your mental commands but will not attack Mark.

Cursed Umbra Staff of the Red Robe

Staff, attunes only to tex-mex

The item spoils the entirety of The Adventure Zone podcast but tells the story in a really unappetizing way, causing the Player Character to never truly find it funny but still understand the references.

Cursed Arrow

Any Arrow or Bolt, attunes to muscular men

Once per day you may activate Curse Arrow to- wait, is this a Jojo reference?

Cursed Grappling Rules

Wondrous Item, requires attunement by a graybeard

For each point of DEX the attacker has, they gain 1%. If the defender of the grapple has padded chain, then this is reduced by 20%. With a movement of 3 or greater, they gain +3% for every 3 moves. If the defender has a visored helmet, they are immune to the pummel unless the attacker has a slotted spoon helm, in which case per point of STR modifier each short rest causes a healing surge to halve the incoming damage. To overbear the opponent, you need a minimum of polar and a maximum of moon. If determining the first initiative of the nonlethal weaponless headless combat, be sure to adjust the dice with the special damage table below (wood glue already applied):

  • Under 21: Waist, 2d6
  • 21-40: Bear Hug, 3d4
  • 41-55: Suplex, 66
  • 57-70: Finger Trap, 84
  • 71-85: Cookie Cutter, elevensies
  • 86-95: Head Butt, It’s Hamtaro Time
  • Over 95: +2% per psi point discipline

Cursed Boots of the Hedgehog

Wonderful Item, Attunes to Amy, no one else

/ You have to go fast /

/ Faster than a Mountain Dew /

/ Fast go to have you /

Cursed Preview of D&D 6e

Crowd-sourced Item, requires attunement by an editor

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his dome-like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes. What has happened to me? he thought. Aftur sexing tey both not happy. bulma not smile and vigta not smile. tey both not say nothin cos bad sexing. vigta scream so loud ten walker to bathroom. Was quiet. then. “NOO IS NOT RIGHT!” screamer vigito. mulba gotter up quicly and ranner to bathroom. “WAT!!!!” screamer bulma. vigita cry really fast and say sad “MY DRAGONBALLS!!1! TEY GONE!!!!!” he screamer once more loudest.

Cursed Mantle of the Wolf

Unsettling. Do not attune

(<w<)  (>w>) (OwO) what’s this? within 60 feetsies of u, a kreatur u kin c gets glomped *rawr XD* by a good boy :^) 

You cannot use this ability again until you finish a long rest.

Cursed

Glorious Item, attunes only to you

 ̸̲̫́R̸ë̸́b̷̓l̴͋ô̴͈g̴̦͇͛ ̵͚̭̓͘t̷̯̔ẖ̶̏i̷͈͇̐s̵̠̀ ̸̨̼̾p̸̞̄͠o̷̠͍̒͋s̵͈̬̉̔ẗ̵̢̩̚ ̷͔̼̌a̶̗͘n̴̙͇̅̓d̸̟̀͑ ̶̪͂ş̵̏̆e̶͕̾n̶̮͎͛ḍ̵̈̃ ̵̼̾į̴͂t̸̩͓̽ ̴̱̱̊̑t̸̲͐̈o̵̺͔̓̆ ̴͇̀ͅ1̵͍͙̒̿3̸͚̺̀ ̸̡̋p̸̖̋̚͜e̴͖͊̕ó̶̫p̵͇͌̓l̴̰̍e̷̩̰͐ ̴̥͉̋o̵̙̖̔͊r̴̻̉̊ ̸̹̃Ä̶̮ṣ̶̖̏͐m̷̩̫͑ọ̸̎ͅd̸̲́̀ĕ̷͓̰̾ǘ̷̩s̵͙̙̀͑ ̶͈͎̎w̸̰͋î̵͕l̷̖͘͝l̵̟̎͠ ̶̖̏̄ç̴̖̾̅a̷̳̟̋s̷̫̘͠t̵͚̦͐́ ̵͚̜̏̇y̷͇̦̆͑ợ̶̫͘ǘ̵͕̪͘ ̷̲̕ḭ̷͐n̶̤̈͂t̵̬̓̈́o̶̘̽̇ ̴́͜ṭ̵̻͋̾ĥ̵̦e̸̜̓̍ ̶͕̓S̵͛̇͜t̶͓̒̉y̷̲̓g̸̦̀͜i̸͙̊a̶̤̲̐͊n̴̝̈́͝ ̷̣̫̈́̕W̷̳̄͊ả̴͔̼s̵̛̟͋ṫ̴͙̮́e̶̯͕͑̐s̷̳͊͝ ̸̪̓t̸̡̪͑͘o̸̯̩͒͑ ̶͖̱́b̷͇͋̕ȇ̴̙͍ ̴̛̮̞f̴̭̃͋ṛ̴̓͝ȏ̷͓͎͑z̴̩̹̀́ê̵͚͓n̷̙̭̎́ ̸̜͠ũ̴̙ṉ̷̽̓ċ̸̫̳͂o̵̥͐́m̶͔̩̀̚f̵̛̛̣̖o̷̻̿r̶̺̉̊ṱ̴̿a̶̬̭͊b̵̢̝̄̂l̵̼̅ỳ̶̬̌ ̸̰̇̅ͅc̷͕͇̋l̵̘͎̾͒ö̵̖́͠s̵͉̦̄e̸̞̽ͅ ̶̱͝t̷̗̎̽ô̸̞͝ ̴̢̉L̴̯͗͐e̴̝̝̋v̷̪̆i̶̧̾ș̵̔t̶̼̤͐̀u̷̝̿s̶̩̪̊̏ ̶̫̔̒ψ̴̜̠͆̌ ̷̩̝͑☠̴̙̳͗͘ ̴̹̎̄⛧̷̳̍ ̷͈̀ͅψ̶̤̐̍ ̷͛́ͅ☠̷̧̭͒ ⛥

when u bf come home and eat hte spageti

Things from sessions 1 and 2 of my current game of D&D:

  • The first character voice the DM used sounding like bullwinkle
  • “These are my fists, razzle and dazzle” -Tiefling Bard
  • “I roll to see if i know Wonderwall” -Tiefling Bard
  • “Can I use acid splash on the ground around them to free them?” “You’re going to kill me!!”
  • Upon coming across a large and fancy door: “Guys fuck this that has to be the boss door let’s go somewhere else”
  • To the war forged: “Oh man are you gonna Iron Giant this shit?”
  • The war forged using a door as a weapon
  • Disarming an alarm only to alert the goblins we were there anyway by tearing off the door
  • Hitting rats so hard with Ray of Frost they’re launched off the map and die
  • The mild mannered halfling monk getting all the brutal kills
  • “Can we give the halfling a piggy back ride?”
  • Essentially recreating the hula scene from The Lion King, but with a Tiefling Bard and a Halfling monk who happened to speak Goblin singing Ocean Man
  • A Kobold flirting with our sorcerer
  • “WAIT HE KNEW COMMON ALL ALONG???” “Yeah but he likes the sorcerer because she speaks draconic”
  • “I am 3 feet of whoopass” -Halfling Monk
  • “I’m gonna use ogre form” “He stands up and goes ‘ITS ALL OGRE NOW’”
  • “The d4 is the least fuckable die”
  • Critically failing on Ray of Frost and coating the floor in ice, followed by half of the party failing dexterity saving throws and ending up prone
  • Alternatively, everybody rolling nat 20s on perception checks
  • “I don’t know what it does but it sounds cool so I want it.” -Tiefling Bard
  • The entire party yelling “OH FUCK” when important plot things happened
  • Distracting a hoard of Goblins with pudding
  • me: *takes a deep breath*
  • me: i lo-
  • anyone who has ever spent five minutes around me: yes, you love Shrek, we know, you love Shrek so much, he's the light of your life, you love him so much, you just love Shrek, we KNOW, you love Shrek, you fucking love Shrek, ok we know, we get it, YOU LOVE SHREK. WE GET IT.