all of you made me feel welcome

i really really really cant believe that ive actually got to the point where i can do a celebration for 1.2k followers like thats???? that blows me away honestly i love you all so much and ive never made a follow forever before so i thought it was time :)

s p e c i a l  m e n t i o n s :

honestly you might want to skip this because its unbelievably soppy but this is for the people who have befriended me during the past two months since i became more of a book blog than tv and honestly you guys have made me so happy. i spent almost four years on this blog without talking to many people and now you’ve all made me feel so welcome and i am so so grateful for that. you make this whole experience worth everything, so thank you so much for deciding that you wanted to be friends with the mess that is me. this is so much soppier than i normally am honestly im so sorry i just love you all and i know im probably forgetting some people but know that if ive ever spoken to you more than once then i consider you a friend:

@kczbrekkr: jud i dont even know what to say about you because there are no words. i love you so much, you’re my bffl and you’ve made me so happy just by being there for me and complimenting me and honestly you’re perfect. i could write paragraphs and paragraphs on why i love you but this is getting long as it is and i just want you to to know that one day we’re gonna meet just so that we can hug bc youre my bffl and thats for life i love you<3 i could 100% compliment you for years, i could write so many more paragraphs but that’s going to have to wait for a different time

@transandrew: sur its weird to think that at first i was nervous to speak to you bc you seemed so cool and i really wanted to be your friend and honestly im still so surprised that you want to speak to me because??? i am not interesting and you’re actually pretty cool even tho you are a nerd but honestly i love your discourse and im honoured to be your friend

@neiljostm: kyle i am so glad that you called me out when i sent you an anon because without that, i never would have gotten the courage to speak to you and im so glad that i did because even though youre an asshole by nature i am as well so i feel like we fit and ily

@thedreamtwats: ronan i love you honestly the fact that we started talking because you told me you stalked through 50 pages of my blog is still incredible to me and i mean we’ve definitely shared some incredible gossip (i mean mostly from you) and youre like the cutest person ive ever seen

@andrewinyrd: syeda your allison/neil friendship headcanons give me life and im so happy that you love them as much as i do. i dont think i ever thanked you enough for helping me through that night and letting me rant and threatening to punch somebody for me before even knowing who it was. also for sending me one direction gossip the day after youre incredible

@wesnenski: agent p your art is incredible let me first say and your head canons are to die for. we bonded over your phineas and ferb reference and you just keep making me laugh and supporting me and i love you for it

@vintersins: nana we havent been talking for very long but honestly i love you already and im so glad that youre enjoying tsoa but i have to admit honestly i was so intimidated by you before because you seemed so cool and now im actually talking to you im still so surprised

@anndrwminyard: bianca youre so sweet and im so glad you got me back into goodreads but also i hate you for it because now im obsessed again just like you said but ily anyway<3

and now to the actually follow forever because that was so so so long oops:

mutuals / favourites

a - c

@aaronminyardt / @aaronminyxrd / @abvrnathys / @adamparhrish@adamsprrish / @adamsronan / @aelinqueen / @agronaa / @ajminyrd / @allisonrcnee / @allisonreyynolds / @allisxnrevnxlds / @aminiminyard / @aminiyrds / @aminyardjosten / @aminyrd / @andrevvminyrd / @andrewminyaurd / @andrewminyrdt / @andrewminyurd / @andrewmiyards / @andrewmniyrds / @andrewmnyard / @andrewmxnyard / @andrewnminyard / @andrwminyrd / @andrwminyrds / @astereal / @athaenae / @atwells / @badacts / @blueegansey / @bookthiefes / @breketterdam / @ciirce / @clympuses / @constllations / @czergentsey

d - j

@dannwiilds / @danswilds / @danwilds / @danwjlds / @dawnisgone / @dayjosten / @downinthefoxhole / @empyrreal / @epiione / @eriklose / @exyjosten / @exyllence / @f0x-meets-w0lf / @faeyries / @faintlyglow / @fineiljosten / @foxandreil / @fuckingjosten / @gayneil / @gryffindro / @heartenders / @hemminicky / @hemmycks / @henryvcheng / @hernietta / @hxcates / @hynpos / @ichiroumoriyama / @illiiad / @illuminosity / @jcstcns / @jeanrnoreau / @jeansmoreau / @jeans-moreau / @jeremykncx / @jeremyknxx / @jeremynox / @jesperfaheey / @jesperfehay / @jostenabramneil

k - r

@kandreils / @kettardam / @kettersdam / @kevindayofficial / @kickfoxing / @klosehemmick / @lindseymorgan / @lxcuna / @maisiewillaim / @maliayukimura / @matthiasheilvar / @mcminyard / @meindoza / @minayrds / @miniminyardd / @neiljxstn / @neilswesninski / @neptunics / @neuiljosten / @nickyhemmick / @nickyhemmiick / @nickyhemmixk / @nickyhenmick / @nickyklose / @nightdrowns / @ninazaenik / @ninazeniks / @ninazenirk / @noahczerny / @ohmoreau / @omgcheckplease / @persrephone / @prettyminyard / @pureblud / @queenmvrgaery / @ravenvsfox / @reneewclkcrs / @reneewvlkers / @rnoreau

s - y

@sapphicmaia / @sargentae / @softghafas / @softketterdam / @starrynoah / @su-pectrum / @tfcpositivity / @thebooknymph / @theunseeliecourt / @transneil / @transwhiskey / @triwiizard / @twinyrds / @vaesdothraks / @wayland / @wesninskie / @whimsycatcher / @winonaryder / @wotjosten / @wylannvanneck / @wymack / @yikesjosten​

+ blogroll just in case i forgot anybody!!

while i slowly find myself being more interested in thirty seconds to mars and also jared, i’ve found myself.. less stressed? for about 7 years i listened to only kpop and was into big bang, and while i still like them, not being surrounded by the drama that is in the vip fandom and the kpop fandom as a whole has made me a happier person. i may not 100% be into rock music, but i will always love thirty seconds to mars and especially jared. i feel really blessed to have.. dove further into this fandom and meeting the people in it. when i started making gifs of jared/thirty seconds to mars, people have responded really well, and i don’t only mean by the note count. i mean your guys’ comments, your love, your messages to me. i feel really welcome here because you all really look at who is behind the blog and appreciate the time we take to make the gifs and take the time to speak to me. i’m not used to it.. and i feel really happy coming here everyday to make things for you guys. i love it.

( this not only goes for 30STM but the Suicide Squad fandom as well ! )

2

Don’t worry. We will be together for all of your lifetimes, and we will never give up.” - Raava to Wan

Here are the new and improved pictures of the Raava and Vaatu mittens :)  I LOVED the whole take on Raava and Vaatu this past season of Legend of Korra. /sigh Raava telling Wan she will be with him through all his lifetimes…right in the feels MAN! After watching the episode, I immediately started charting them because I thought they would look amazing on some mittens. I’m so happy with my charts!! I made this mitten pattern from scratch. I’m going to change it slightly. These were toooo roomy for me >:(

ALSO, I do not claim to own anything related to Korra, etc etc, this is just my interpretation of an element seen in the show. :)

Update: There is a pattern now!

Orlando really hit home for me so i made some pride WtNV things for solidarity in our little fandom

Please feel free to use them on your blog, just gimme a little mention somewhere? i love you all and we are stronger than hate.

From the top down: Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Aromantic, Demisexual, Intersex, Genderqueer, Polysexual,Transgender. 

4

To start off, I’d like to say thank you to everyone at Rooster Teeth for changing my life for the better. I’d also like to thank everyone here in the fandom for being so amazing.

More importantly, I’d like to welcome everyone new to our ever growing family. The Rooster Teeth fandom is amazing. Like any family, we have our ups and downs, but we all have each others backs. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone and I look forward to the time to come in this amazing fandom.

This is true Islam

The Muslims of the Arizona mosque invited the armed anti-Islam protesters to join the evening prayer. This is what happened when two of the protesters actually accepted the invitation….

Jason Leger, a Phoenix resident wearing one of the profanity-laced shirts, accepted an invitation to join the evening prayer inside the mosque, and said the experience changed him.

“It was something I’ve never seen before. I took my shoes off. I kneeled. I saw a bunch of peaceful people. We all got along,” Leger said. “They made me feel welcome, you know. I just think everybody’s points are getting misconstrued, saying things out of emotion, saying things they don’t believe.”

Paul Griffin, who had earlier said he didn’t care if his t-shirt was offensive, assured a small crowd of Muslims at the end of the rally that he wouldn’t wear it again.

“I promise, the next time you see me, I won’t be wearing this shirt,” he told one man while shaking his hand and smiling. “I won’t wear it again.”  [x]

social relationships when u have a personality disorder

(more like welcome to actual hell)

  • wanting to make friends but having no gotdamn idea how (an avpd+SAD classic)
  • knowing that all your friends (and/or potential friends) will abandon you someday and nobody will stay (bpd nightmare)
  • not making any friends because nobody will provide you with the atention you desire (bpd+hpd)
  • imprinting on someone and needing attention from them but you don’t know how to start conversation with them (bpd+avpd)
  • having friends means you have to sympthasize with them and you don’t feel like dealing with that (npd)
  • being apathetic and therefore an asshole and therefore a bad friend (npd)
  • wanting to tear all your hair out when someone you hate talks to your fp (bpd)
  • splitting on your friend for whatever reason but not wanting to hurt their feelings while you’re mad at them so you isolate yourself, but when you do they don’t come to check on you which makes you split on them harder (bpd)
  • being convinced that your fp loves you the most but that feeling goes away when you see them being affectionate with someone else (bpd)
  • being so possessive but also being scared that you’re being abusive (bpd)
  • you always. need. reassurance. (bpd+avpd)
  • being a romantic shithead but wanting to kill a guy when you see two people being romantic (hpd)
  • never being in a romantic relationship because you constantly flirt with others and don’t want to hurt your datemate’s feelings (hpd)
  • imprinting on anyone that comforts you once/is nice to you (bpd)
  • being possessive ofothers but hating when anyone’s possessive of you (npd+bpd)
  • wanting all of the attention but how? (hpd+avpd)
  • feeling worthless when your imprint doesn’t talk to/about you (bpd+)
  • feel free 2 add more
2

Look, these are my drawings of Ashton and Luke! (ha-ha)

I’m kind of new in the 5SOSFam, but I want to say thanks to all of you who have welcomed me with open arms. It’s been great living in 5sos land with you all. When my friend first introduced me to them, I had no idea I would become such a big fan. But I’m very glad it happened. 

They are such an inspiration. Every single one of them. Their music helped me through some hard times and made me feel happy so often. All the fan stories of meeting them bring a smile to my face. They give us so much with all the touring and the updates and I wish they knew how much I appreciate them.  

I guess there’s no better way for me to say thanks for everything @5sos, then to draw them. As music is their passion, drawing is mine.  

Wishing them all the love and happiness they deserve. I hope they’re enjoying life. Oh, and SLFL Amsterdam was amaaaazing! Two of the best nights of my entire life!  

2/4 finished and 2/4 to go! 

4

Woo Hee said that if he is Baek Ah, then she is Zhong Ji Kee, referring to an ancient story. In that story, Zhong Ji Kee chanced upon Baek Ah when he was playing his instrument by a river, and complimented him with a poem. They became sworn brothers, in an another word, see each other as soulmate. They agreed to meet at the same place again during the next mid-autumn festival. However, when Baek Ah was at the same river a year after, he found out that Zhong Ji Kee passed away. He was so sadden that he did not touch his instrument again, as he believed the only person who understood him was no longer around. (x)

WELCOME OT THE BLACK PARADE

FEELS (good and bad) WARNING

SPOILER WARNING

Enjoy

“Welcome To The Black Parade”

Musical Intro

When I was a young boy,

My father took me into the city


To see a marching band.



He said, “Son when you grow up,


would you be the savior of the broken,



the beaten

and the damned?”

He said “Will you defeat them,

your demons,

and all the non-believers, 

the plans that they have made?”

“Because one day I’ll leave you,

A phantom to lead you in the summer,

To join The Black Parade.”

Musical Break

External image

External image

When I was a young boy,

My father took me into the city


To see a marching band.

External image

He said, “Son when you grow up,


would you be the saviour of the broken, 

the beaten

and the damned?”


Musical Break

External image

Sometimes I get the feeling she’s watching over me.


And other times I feel like I should go.



And through it all, the rise and fall, 

the bodies in the streets.

And when you’re gone we want you all to know.


We’ll carry on,

We’ll carry on

And though you’re dead and gone believe me

Your memory will carry on

We’ll carry on

And in my heart I can’t contain it

The anthem won’t explain it.




A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams

Your misery and hate will kill us all.

So paint it black and take it back

Let’s shout it loud and clear

Defiant to the end we hear the call

External image



To carry on

We’ll carry on

And though you’re dead and gone believe me

Your memory will carry on

We’ll carry on

And though you’re broken and defeated

Your weary widow marches

On and on we carry through the fears

Ooh oh ohhhh

Disappointed faces of your peers

Ooh oh ohhhh

Take a look at me cause I could not care at all


Do or die, you’ll never make me


Because the world will never take my heart

Go and try, you’ll never break me

We want it all, we wanna play this part



I won’t explain or say I’m sorry


I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar

Give a cheer for all the broken

Listen here, because it’s who we are

I’m just a man,

I’m not a hero

Just a boy, who had to sing this song

I’m just a man,

I’m not a hero

I! don’t! care!


We’ll carry on

We’ll carry on

And though you’re dead and gone believe me

Your memory will carry on

We’ll carry on

And though you’re broken and defeated

Your weary widow marches on



Do or die, you’ll never make me


Because the world will never take my heart


Go and try, you’ll never break me

We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)


Do or die, you’ll never make me (We’ll carry on)

Because the world will never take my heart (We’ll carry on)

Go and try, you’ll never break me (We’ll carry)


We want it all, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)


This is a revamp of a post a made on another blog of mine 

(not to brag, I wouldn't mention this if I wasn't sooo proud of this particular post) but on the original post someone called this "The most important SPN post on tumblr” I hope it lives up to such a high compliment <3

I love you in the way that I love how the sun sets between the mountains. How I unfolded for you as the sky turned vibrant red, how I let you see me for who I really was. How I became softer for you, less violent, less angry, more like the shore taking everything as it came and less like the ocean crashing against everything that stood in it’s way.
I love you in a way that I have never loved before. Different. New. Better. Much better. Less selfish. Louder. Welcoming. Less suffocating.
How I started listening. How I began seeing the world with you. How you sat beside me and made me feel my surroundings. My feet in the ground, my head filled with you and my heart all yours. How you held it against your chest like your most prized possession. How you nurtured it, how you buried it in the dirt beneath our feet, how you watered it, moved your hands out of the sunlight for it, watched it grow.
I love you in a way that isn’t ever going to stop. How my heart is still growing, how you are still the only occupant in my hotel room heart that you made a home in. How you have stayed, how I am your home and how you will always be mine.
—  How I Love You and It’s Never Going Away // thewordsyouneverunderstood
  • You're Fucking Perfect
  • Another Personal Cheering Up Post
Play

Made a wrong turn, once or twice

Dug my way out, blood and fire

External image

Bad decisions, that’s alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated

Misplaced

Misunderstood

External image

Miss, ‘No way, it’s all good’

It didn’t slow me down

Mistaken, always second guessing

Underestimated

External image

Look, I’m still around

External image

Pretty pretty please

Don’t you ever, ever feel

Like you’re less than

Fucking perfect

Pretty pretty please

External image

If you ever ever feel, like you’re nothing

External image

You’re fucking perfect

To me

Fullmetal Alchemist Masterpost

hey guys !! so guess what ? i finally hit 1,000 followers omg !! you have no idea how happy i am, i love you guys so much, like i never expected to gain this many ;u; you guys really made me feel welcome in the fma fandom and just?? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU !!!
since i felt like i had to do something for this milestone, i came up with this idea !! ive noticed that most people in the fandom dont know about everything that exists in the fma universe, sooo i decided to make this to help those people out and to show some really cool things made in the fandom!! enjoy all the fma !

Main Series

  • Fullmetal Alchemist Manga by Hiromu Arakawa (Volumes 1-27)
  • Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 Anime (available on netflix)
  • Conqueror of Shamballa Movie
  • Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Anime (available on netflix)
  • Sacred Star of Milos Movie (available on netflix)

OVAs

     2003 OVAs

  • Chibi Party
  • Kids
  • Live Action
  • Alchemists vs. Homunculi
  • Reflections

     Brotherhood OVAs

Extras

Light Novels

Video Games

Ask an Anime Character (Panel, english voice actors)

Fan-Made

Music

of course this sadly isnt everything, because there are many more things such as artbooks, guidebooks, etc, but there are just too many of them and it would take too long to find every one in existence haha. i might add more things in the future if i ever come across something new and reblog it !! enjoy the list and once again THANKS EVERYONE !!! <333

I haven’t mentioned this in a while but I really love and appreciate all of the friendships I’ve made on this website.  I value my friendships with you just as much as my friendships IRL.  

Thank you for making me feel welcome, loved, appreciated, and valued as a person, as well as a blogger. 

ATTENTION: Downton Fandom

if you have been part of the tumblr downton fandom long enough, you will know who downtondownstairs is. some of us know her better than others, but I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all seen her lovely gifsets around of our favourite downstairs characters.

you might also have read that she no longer wants to make any gifs for this season, and I think it should be brought to everyone’s attention. over time, it seems only natural that we take some things for granted, and in this case, because we have been so spoilt by her lovely work. but this is an appreciation post, to show our support, to recognise that she puts a lot of effort into those sets, and is almost always the first and fastest one to post them. 

so guys, a little bit of team spirit now for the downton ohana! please reblog or like this post to show your support for her, maybe send her a thank you note or a please make more gifsets note! and if we are lucky enough that she resume her fabulous work, don’t forget to reblog and like those, too! 

I dont think 1989 are happy songs, they are reflective songs, while she was processing Red in the red tour, when she was putting in words each night her experiences, she reached the point where she was almost free. She released all that anguish and felt lightness in her shoulders. I think even welcome to New York, talks about it, that freedom, that sadness that today still exists but no longer torments her, she can speak about it without crying, because she cut those chains. I think that, and I love that, that’s what im trying to do, im trying to put all my feelings in words, in tears, in screams, and im letting 1989 set me free.

Thank you Taylor for this. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you didn’t mean this, but this is how I felt it and how it made me feel so close to you. My heart is broken, shattered, but even having my heart so sensible, I want to live with that freedom you showed me that exists and that I can reach.

I tried to end my life to realize I wanted to live it. I couldn’t put it in words, i took it out in a really unhealthy way, but right now, my pain exists, but doesnt own my life.

Hope to meet you, because you, a blonde tall sweetness that was born in 1989, set me free.

1989 set me free.
cecelivesin1989

I am not a Monster

I sat down on the couch opposite the strange woman I was supposed to tell all my feelings to. The couch was green and scratchy. It did not make me feel comfortable or welcome. It seemed to be punishing me just for being here.

“Is this your first time in therapy?” The woman asked. She was small in stature with fake platinum blond, shoulder length hair. She was wearing a deep violet blouse with a dull grey cardigan, unbuttoned, and grey slacks. Perhaps it was meant to be calming, but it just made her seem fake and boring. I already knew I couldn’t trust her.

“Perhaps if I tell you a little bit about myself,” the therapist suggested. Then she began to relay a slew of boring details about herself. She had a son. She married her high school sweetheart. She went to college in Utah. Her name was Nadia.

“Now you tell me some things about yourself,” Nadia instructed. I sighed.

“I’m Bree. My parents are divorced. They get along well enough. I don’t need to be here.” That was all I had to offer. I stuck my hands under my thighs and looked down at my knees. In truth, I did need to be here. My problems were getting out of hand. But I didn’t want this stranger to know that about me. I didn’t even want my friends to know that about me.

“Why do you think your mother put you here, then?” She asked, kindly.

“I don’t know,” I grunted. She had seen text messages on my phone talking about running away and committing suicide and had assumed the worst. She took action and sent me to this therapist. I had been to others before, but none of them ever worked. I hated counseling. The therapists were always so condescending. Maybe it was because they were all seeing me as some poor little heathen in need of saving. Christian counseling was a joke unless you were wanting someone to shove their religion down your throat. Luckily, this time, my mother had taken me to a secular counseling company recommended by my high school counselor.

“She told me she was worried that you may be suicidal. Do you want to talk about that?” Nadia asked, gently. I didn’t respond. Yes I did, but not with her. She would judge me. I wanted to force the words out of my throat: ‘I am bisexual’ but that was always met with harsh retribution. I had learned to keep it to myself.

“Bree. This is never going to get better if you don’t open up. If you’re going to waste my time by sitting and staring silently, then we can leave right now. You don’t have to be here,” Nadia said, harshly this time. I looked up at her, scratching the bottoms of my thighs, squinting to see just how serious she was. Still, though, I said nothing.

“Why would your mother have any reason to believe that you are suicidal?” Nadia asked.

I sighed and looked back down.

“Because,” I whispered, the words barely making it alive out of my throat, “I am.”

                                                         ***

“So, what, are you, like, a lesbian?” My mother questioned me, holding my phone up in the air. She had gone through my messages and found some texts from my girlfriend saying how she wanted to kiss me again.

“No,” I protested, “I’m not.”

“Then what are you?” My mother implored.

What am I? I’m human. I am the same girl who cried when you dropped me of for pre-k. I am the same girl who ran to you in the night when the thunder scared me. I am the same girl who cried in your arms when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I’m the same girl I was yesterday.

“Well?”

“I’m bisexual, mom,” I croaked.

“No you’re not,” my mother scoffed. I looked at her, hurt.

“Okay seriously, Bree?” She said, accusingly, “there’s no such thing as ‘bi’ you’re either gay, or you’re straight. There is no in between.” What a thing to tell a vulnerable thirteen year old.

                                                         ***

“Well?” My mom asked. I was sitting shotgun in her car in the parking of the therapist’s office.

“Well what?” I grumbled. No way in hell I was going to tell her anything.

“Okay, fine,” she curtly replied. She drove us home in silence.

When we got back home, I went straight to my room and shut the door. I cracked open my Pre-Calculus book and began my homework. I could hear my step dad and mother arguing about me, as usual.

“She is blatantly disrespectful; why do you put up with it? If she was my kid, she’d be getting the belt!” My stepdad shouted. As usual, my mother said nothing in my defense.

“Once she’s gone, our lives will be so much better.”

I plugged my headphones into my iPod and blared Breaking Benjamin as loud as it would go. They didn’t even have the decency to go in their room and shut the door. My stepdad continued to get louder until I could hear him even over Five Finger Death Punch. I slammed my math book shut and went into my bathroom and locked the door.

In the cabinet under my sink, I kept a lockbox with an eraser and five hundred dollars in cash and various coins. I unlocked it and took out the eraser. I put it to my skin and began erasing until I could no longer feel my stepdad’s harsh words and mother’s even harsher silence. The top layers of my skin disappeared and the raw pink flesh skin began to show. I kept going; faster and faster I erased. I erased until all I could focus on was my stinging and burning flesh and not my stinging, burning, and broken heart.

                                                         ***

“Hey mom guess what!” I said excitedly, as I jumped into the car. I had been at the skating rink with my friends, as we did every Friday.

My mother and I had always been close. She was always the first one I wanted to tell when something happened, whether it was good or bad. I thought maybe this news, and my excitement about it, could change her mind about me.

“What?” She asked with a smile.

“I have a girlfriend!”

My last girlfriend was no good. She was a drug dealer and emotionally abusive. I had gotten rid of her, painfully. This one was different. She was smart, tall, and an artist.

My mother’s smile fell and she turned briskly away from me. My excitement turned to shame.

“I don’t want to hear about any romance from you unless it’s with a boy. Period,” my mother said, her tone harsh and scalding. I hung my head, my cheeks burning, tears threatening to overflow. Why couldn’t she love me and accept me?

                                                          ***

“Hello again, Bree,” Nadia greeted me, smiling. I gave her a shy half-smile in return and took my place on the scratchy green sofa.

“How was your week?” Nadia asked. She expected to hear three good things, and one bad thing. Usually it was difficult to come up with three good things.

“Well, I got to have chocolate cake at school on Thursday, I didn’t fail my math test, and I am wearing my favorite hoodie.” My three good things were meager at best.

“Good, good,” Nadia crowed.

“And the bad thing was my stepdad. I heard him yelling at my mom about his life would be so much better without me.”

Nadia groaned. She hated my stepdad as much as I did.

She gave me some general advice about how to deal with him. It was pretty much the same: keep your chin up and don’t let him get to you.

“I just wish my parents could be more understanding,” I mumbled. Nadia frowned.

“You can’t spend your whole life waiting for people to understand you and love you. You have to understand you,” Nadia said, “You have to love you. Self-importance, Bree, Self-confidence. You need to get to a point where you can sit alone in a room and think ‘yes, I truly do love and believe in myself.’”

“Easier said than done,” I snorted.

                                                           ***

“Come on, Bree. Get in the car,” My mother ordered. She was not very friendly to me these days. I had begun refusing to go to church. I don’t even think it was the not wanting to go church part that bothered her, it was the flat refusal of her commands. She was very power hungry when it came to my siblings and me.  

I sighed and came out of my room and got into the front passenger seat. She was taking me to a counselor recommended by a youth pastor at the church. I saw her filling out the forms for my admission. It was all very biased, judgmental, and anti-friendly towards homosexuality. There wasn’t even a check box for bisexual. There was an ‘other’ selection, on which my mother put ‘claims to like men and women.’ Oh, this was going to be so much fun.

When we got there, my mother had more paperwork to fill out. It took her a few minutes, and then the therapist called my name. It seemed redundant since there wasn’t anyone else there besides myself.

“So, your mother tells me you’re having defiance issues?” The therapist began. She was small, young woman, with chestnut colored hair tied into a neat bun. She was wearing a grey sweater dress.  The room smelled strongly of vanilla.

“You can sit on the couch if you’d like. You don’t have to stand,” she said, quietly. She winced as I walked past her. Did I intimidate her? I sat down on the oversized plush couch and immediately sank into it, pillows and stuffed animals falling onto my lap. I pushed them off and scooted closer to the edge of my seat. The couch was salmon colored, and the pillows were zebra striped. The wallpaper was yellow, grey, and salmon striped. There were crosses, bible verses, and more crosses littering the walls and shelves of the office. There were pictures of her family on a dark wooden coffee table in the middle of the room. I felt claustrophobic just looking at all of the clutter.

She looked at me expectantly. I guess she had asked me a question and I hadn’t been listening. No matter, I wasn’t going to say a word to her anyways.

“Bree?” She asked. I stared above her head. I had heard that that annoyed people so I thought I would try it. She shook her head and sat awkwardly in her chair, looking at me.

Then she started to ramble. She talked about how homosexuality was wrong in the eyes of the Lord, but I knew that already, didn’t I? She said that my mother loved me very much and how I was displeasing her and God, my heavenly father, by disrespecting their wishes. She did not ask how I felt. She did not ask if I was okay. She attempted to guilt trip me, she lectured me, and she chided me. I pretended to ignore her, but I couldn’t help but listen to every demeaning word she said.

Finally, she said, “Our time is up. I’ll see you next week.”

                                                        ***

I laid in my bed, staring at my ceiling, listening to my fan whir. It was 1 a.m. but I still couldn’t fall asleep. I had been thinking about what Nadia had told me. How she said that I needed to be okay with myself independently of everyone else. I reached deep inside myself to see if I could do that. My opinions of myself, however, reflected what I had been told by other people. She’s faking it, my gay friend had said. Bisexuality doesn’t exist, my mother’s voice echoed. Our lives will be so much better without her, my stepdad snarled. Jesus begs you to repent, a therapist encouraged. You’re an abomination, the bible hissed.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I grabbed a long belt and a flashlight and opened my window. I stepped onto the driveway of my house and ran. I ran down the street, took a left, and headed deep into the woods behind my neighborhood. I couldn’t take this anymore. If your life is going to be so much better without me, then I’ll grant your wish, I thought. I found a tall, sturdy tree and tied a noose with the belt, using my flashlight to see. I stared at the belt, willing myself to do it, to end this and leave. I willed my feet to shuffle forward. I couldn’t do it. I sank down on my knees and cried; I cried until the sun began to peep over the horizon, and then I walked home and got back into my warm bed. I held my stuffed cow close to my chest and breathed into its fake fur, letting it soothe me.

I got up an hour and a half later to my alarm clock telling me it was time to wake up for school. I dressed myself in the first pair of pants and t-shirt I found. I wasn’t even sure if they were clean, and I wasn’t even sure if I cared. I went into the living room, being quiet to avoid waking my crocodile stepfather, and grabbed my packed lunch that I would throw out later.

At school, my classes all blurred together. Courses that were dulled down so the dumbest slacker could still pass with a C were far too mind numbing for me to care about. I got A’s without even trying. I rarely turned in homework, and when I did, it was late.

At lunch, I sat alone. Sometimes, my friend Caleb would sit with me. We would talk about society and religion. He was cute. I had a big crush on him. I didn’t want to say anything though, for fear that it would freak him out and he’d stop sitting with me at lunch occasionally. He would appear within in ten minutes of lunch starting if he was going to sit with me. If ten minutes passed, and he didn’t show, I went to the library and got on the only social media site the school hadn’t blocked: Google+.

There, I was out. There, I had friends. There, I wasn’t berated constantly by everyone around me. I tried to understand why, but the only difference between the people online and the people in real life seemed to be their religion – or rather, their lack of religion. All of my online friends were atheists. They told me that they didn’t believe in God, Heaven, Hell or the bible. They viewed it the way everyone else viewed the ancient Greek religion: mythology. They said that if someone needs to be threatened with Hell to behave well, then they aren’t a good person. You have to be good for the sake of being good to be a good person. That, I could get behind.

                                                            ***

I went to a Christian counseling website I had heard of from the local religious radio station. I used an assume name and asked what the counselors thought of homosexuality. Most of them said something along the lines of: “the bible says homosexuality is wrong, but it also says to love your neighbor. So that is what you should do.” But when I told them I was bisexual, they quoted passages on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and how I should repent, and repent immediately, lest I be sent to Hell where I belonged. They told me I must turn away from Satan and my sinful behavior. They told me I didn’t deserve to live. So which was true: love thy neighbor, or hate thyself?

                                                           ***

“How are you doing today, Bree?” Nadia asked. She seemed concerned as always.

“Better. I think my online friends are really helping me,” I said. She raised an eyebrow.

“I think I’m an atheist,” I told her, “I don’t believe in God. How could some all-powerful being also know everything and love everything?”

“Well, He gives us freewill,” Nadia countered.

“Not if everything is a part of His plan,” I replied, “If God knows everything before it happens, and is all-powerful, then He could stop it. However, He wouldn’t if it was all a part of his plan. Meaning he planned for me and every other bi or gay person to suffer. Meaning he planned AIDS and starving children and racism. How could that god be all-loving? I don’t buy it. And there’s no way I’m worshipping it if it exists.”

“Fair enough,” Nadia said. She was a Christian, she had told me she was, but since she was my therapist and not my pastor, she wasn’t going to try and convert me. She told me this when I asked her about it later.

“Are you going to tell your mother this?” She asked.

“No. Not yet anyways,” I said.

                                                            ***

“You aren’t a lesbian?” My friend asked me. I shook my head.

“But you like girls?” She asked, incredulous. I nodded.

“Yes,” I said, “I’m bisexual.”

“Ooookay,” She drawled.

The next day, everyone in my circle of friends was calling me a fake lesbian and an attention whore. I overheard one of my lesbian friends say, ‘She’s such a slut. Playing both sides of the field? Ha! Who does she think she is?’ I went to the library and sat on one of the comfy chairs to get away from it all. My friend Bryce came in and when he saw me, he came over and knelt in front of me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. I shook my head.

“It’s nothing.”

“Gotta be something. Come on, tell me,” he urged.

“Everyone is saying that I’m fake because I’m bi,” I admitted.

“What? You’re not fake. You exist. It’s L, G, B, T for a reason.”

                                                           ***

“Hi Bree,” Nadia greeted me. She had a bunch of colored paper and some pens in her hand.

“Pick a color!” She exclaimed. I picked yellow and sat down on the couch.

“What’s this for?” I asked, hesitantly.

“I want you to fold your paper in thirds,” she instructed. I followed suit.

“Okay, now label the sections ‘friends,’ ‘family,’ and ‘self.’”

“Okay,” I said.

“Now inside, I want you to write attributes that your friends think of you and tell you you are, and then do the same for your family. Once you’ve finished that, we’ll move onto the next part.”

Under friends, I put funny, fake, and bitch. Under family, I put down stupid, selfish, liar, untrustworthy, manipulative, and disappointment. I looked up at Nadia to indicate I was done.

“Okay, now under self, I want you to describe who you really are.”

I was manipulative, a liar, a fraud, a disappointment. I was a bitch, selfish, and lazy. I was a nobody. I didn’t deserve to live. Again, I looked up to indicate I had completed what had been asked of me.

“Now let’s examine what you wrote.” She took my paper and read it silently to herself.

“It looks like a few things are happening here. One: you need better friends. Two: you are internalizing all the negative things that are being said about you. And three: you don’t understand how truly great you are. Bree, you are smart, you are capable, and charming. You have a big heart, and you are so beautiful. I want you to internalize those positive things. Not these negative things.” And with that, she ripped up my paper and let it fall onto the floor.

That night, as I laid alone in my bed, I thought about the exercise Nadia had me do. She had said I was capable. I guess that was true. When I decided I was going to do something, truly do something, I did it. I suppose that was something I could be proud of. I wasn’t really manipulative. That was just what my mother said when she wanted an excuse to not listen to me. I did lie sometimes. I guess I wasn’t really a bitch. People only said that because they didn’t like my bisexuality.

Then I thought to myself: I do deserve to live. Religion has been holding me back all these years, telling me that I was abominable because of my sexuality. It was wrong, though. I did deserve to live. I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been by anyone, including myself. I burned myself with erasers. I told myself constantly that they were right and I was a disease to humanity.

I knew that wasn’t true. I was a person. I was human. I was the same girl I was when I was four and scared to leave my mother for pre-k, the same girl who used to run to her parents’ room during a thunderstorm, and the same girl who used to paint her dreams, and write her fantasies, and live freely. I knew that while I could never be that girl again, I could be happy again. I could love myself again. I wouldn’t listen to anyone else’s harsh – not to mention untrue – words of me. I would no longer surround myself with biphobia. I would no longer surround myself with religion. I would fight for me own freedom. I fell asleep smiling, and for the first time in years, I slept well.

The next morning, my mother approached me.

“Bree what is that on your hand?” My mother asked, softly. They were old burns from my eraser.

“Nothing,” I said, tearing my hand away from her.

“Bree, Bree come back,” she implored. Something in her voice made me stop and turn around.

“Did you do that to yourself?” She asked. Her eyes pleaded with me to say no. I said nothing.

“Bree… I’m your mother. It kills me to see you doing this to yourself. Please let me help you.” Help me? How about accept me?

“If this is about all those awful things I’ve said to you about your… about who you are, I’m sorry. I was confused. It was all new to me and I didn’t know how to react,” she pleaded with me.

“That’s no excuse. You flat out told me not to talk to you anymore. You were confused? I was confused! You were my mother, the one person I thought I could always turn to, and you told me to stop turning to you! All you had to do was tell me that you accepted me! And if you didn’t know how to do that, you could have looked it up. It wasn’t that hard,” I snarled. All my life, I had never talked back to my mother that way. Now, I finally had the confidence to say what needed to be said. Yes, she was my mother and I did respect her, but I still wasn’t going to be walked over.

“I know. I know, I should have been better. I’m sorry, Bree. I accept you now. I know that you’re… that you’re bi and I get it now. You are my daughter and that is more important to me than who you love.”

I blinked. I was not expecting that.

“Can you ever forgive me?” My mother asked. Of course I could. She was my mother. She was the person I had always turned to. Even when she told me to stop telling her about my life unless it involved a boy, I had wanted to talk to her. I had always wanted a relationship with my mother and nothing would change that.

“Yes, mom, of course,” I squeaked. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she reached for a hug. I wrapped my arms around my mother, basking in the warmth of her embrace. I hadn’t asked for my mother’s apology, but I realized I needed it. Now, I could focus on moving forward.

In the end, I took Nadia’s words to heart. I sat alone in my room, and I repeated “I am a good person. I love myself. I deserve to live and be happy,” until I realized that it was true. I learned that I had been abusing myself and that others had been verbally abusing me for years.

                                                              ***

For any child, overcoming the words of a trusted adult and role model is difficult. I was lucky and got a new role model with Nadia. She sparked a new light in me that I had thought was gone forever. While everything in this story did not happen exactly as I told it, most of it was true. My emotions, thoughts, and feelings all happened, and all of the words said to Bree were said to me in some form or fashion. The exact storyline and circumstances were changed to better the flow of the work, and, of course, character names were changed to protect the identities of the characters.

What I learned from this experience was not something you learn in conventional school. Sometimes, tradition is wrong. Things can change and things do change. You should never stick with something just because it is what you know, especially when that something is harmful to you. It also important that you accept, love, and believe in yourself and not rely on others to do that for you.

Some great resources I wish I would have had were the YES group based out of OKC and the Trevor Project. YES is a group counseling effort for LGBT youth ages 13-20. They host fun events for the members of the group including a prom in June. The Trevor Project is a suicide prevention hotline for LGBTQ+ youth based in LA and New York. They operate mostly by their website, http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Today, I am a confident, proud, and headstrong young woman who dreams of going with the Peace Corps to teach English as a second language. I have learned to accept myself, to believe in myself, and, above all else, I have learned to love myself.

2

In appreciation of reaching 3K+, I’ve decided to make yet another follow forever! I just want to say how grateful I am for each and everyone of you, you all make me feel so loved and welcomed and I just can’t thank you enough. I’ve made so many great friends along the way (even if we don’t talk a lot) and I hope to make many more! I’m so glad I met you~ 

# - e

0rochimaruaisakahsaisuroakanoyumeakatsukihoeakushion

albarnhaltairisaltonenangiekklalaanithouaprettyfireasenshi

atsushlattackonkonohabakamurabased–sasoribaykugan

bitch–kageblindshisuibuttachibuttnarutocannekichidouri

chomeicloudnincompletely–narutocopywheeldatt3bayo

datttebayodeidaaradeisudraagneelserenyeagerewchihasasuke

f - j

floralningaaraismgasaisyunogantagennnmagnarlynaruto

gonnabehokagegroovykyuubigurrenlagginghaikyuubi

harunosakurahharunozhashibaehashiramasshatredandsorrow

hereiamwithmyninjaclanhiikishikikomoirihinacakesshinatas

hinata–boobshokagaayhokageehokageihomosasukehyakugo

hyouriinmaruidratherbeinkonohaidrawduckiesimshadow

imthehokageinfiniterhapsodyiryoniniryositachiditachisqueen

itechiitskakashihatakeitsumisizuunajinchuuurikijraiyajonins

jutsunaruto

k - o

kabutoeskaegunekakahsik––akashika––kashi

kakashislefteyebrowkamikukisamakarurahkazesawakimimarro

kingsasukeehkingtobiramakirishiikishigodkiyaasarinkuramaz

kurummikusanagiikushinnaladykushinalaetialarnchan

lavakagelawllietslegendofnarutolegendarynarutolordofsharingan

lovelysemixomadararmadsuchihamagicdragonkiddiemiirano

minatobuttminnatosmizukagehnasainamikazesnarashikarnaru

narflutonaruchihasnaruichinarukagenarusbootynaruto

narutoffeenarutomakisnarutosamaanarutosavvynarutosensei

narutosramennnarutouhnarutouzumakisnaruzumakenawakis

neoqueenusagininetaillnishiinoyanyanrutoobitchobito

ohayocelestiaohmyramenotomesweetheartohtoshirootsutsukiis

oobito

p - t

piinkuqueen–hinataqueeninoradsasukeraikisrasnganrcklee

rikuodourinnegansrinnegayrivaiilleesakurahrnsakurasharuno

sassuke–chansassyitachisassysasukesassyshikamarusasuge

sasukehhhsasukeiisasukeyoulittleshitsasukevsasukevevo

sasykesauceykaayyyysazukesseiikassenbonssetsuunasa

severedbondsexgetsusexsukesharingayssharingonshikaamaru

shinobi–buttsshinobicodeshishiosatsukisshisuiesshoneys

slimshadysasukesorichuusuigaysusuigetsuofficialsuigetsusbutt

teammadaratamaekiteanaotearn7temahritemars

thedeathnotebookthegodofshinobithenarutofandomthenextkage

tobbitotobihot–obitostobiramast–o–k–i–d–o–k–itrue–hollow

tsuchikagesamatsukistsukuyomisttebanestttebane

u - z

uchihabanerauchihadaydreameruchihafuckuchihasgreatest

uchihaslegacyuchihasasukesuchihhasuchirunouchiwah

uchiwhoresunarutousuisuuchiha│ uzamakis │uzoomaki

uzumakiichiwatanukisakuyawhorekagayswhyitachiwillofkonoha

wishful–dreamer92yagurayagurrayahikuyakuzasasuke

yamatoesiesyamatotsyamazakihsy–a–n–d–e–r–eybee

yellowflasheryondayumnyoosetoyugiitozetsueen

+blogroll ☆

2

#and in that moment this isn’t the dark one #beneath all that ulterior motive is /emma/ #and although she came onto the ship to get something out of killian #she didn’t expect /this/ #to feel somewhere in all the sludge and obscurity her heart shattering just a little #because she doesn’t want to believe him #but part of her /does/ #because she didn’t /want/ to be this person #she just wants to come back home to him #but the darkness is too much and you can tell she can barely withstand it #withstand her own self #if he can barely look at her how can she look at herself #she’s screaming for those looks of love from him but all that’s emoting on her face is hollowness

Welcome to the gay pride parade

When I was a young gay,
My father, took me into the city
To see a gay parade.
He said Gay when you grow up, will you be the saviour of the homos, the gays and lesbians?
He said will you defeat them, the dickheads and all the homophobics?
The laws that they have made?
Because one day I’ll leave you a rainbow, to lead you in the gaytimes, to join the pride parade

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am feeling gay
And other times I feel like I am bi.
And through it all, the rainbow falls and crushes homophobes,
And when you’re gone we want you all to know.

We’ll carry on,
We’ll carry on
And though you’re homophobic, none believers
Our gayness will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it
The gayness won’t explain it.

A world that sends you reeling from homosexual dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it rainbow and take it back
Let’s shout it loud and clear
Gay pride to the end we hear the call

To carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re homophobic, none believers
Our gayness will carry on
We’ll carry on
And now you’re stupid and defeated
You weary twats march!

On and on we carry through the fears
Ooh oh ohhhh
Disappointed faces of your peers
Ooh oh ohhhh
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all

Do or die, you’ll never make us
Because the world will never take our pride
Go and try, you’ll never break us
We want it gay, we wanna play this part
We won’t explain or say we’re sorry
We’re unashamed, We’re gonna show our pride
Give a cheer for all the gayness
Listen here, because it’s who we are
We’re just human, We’re not sinners
Just a person, who had to sing this song
We’re just human, We’re not sinners
We Don’t care!

We’ll carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re homophobic none believers
Our gayness will carry on
We’ll carry on
And though you’re stupid and defeated
Your weary twats march!

Do or die, you’ll never make us
Because the world will never take our pride
Go and try, you’ll never break us
We want it gay, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)

Do or die, you’ll never make us (We’ll carry on)
Because the world will never take our pride (We’ll carry on)
Go and try, you’ll never break us (We’ll carry)
We want it gay, we wanna play this part (We’ll carry on)