I'll kill you so much
Joel morefunthanb4 and I are friends, but we are also mortal enemies and one day I’m gonna beat him up. But he’s a mortal enemy who’s also invited me to his wedding (did not attend), who I have traded intimate pictures with (both of our scrotums), and who I have traded goofs with for a long time over snapchat. But I own Joel, and I’ll tell you why.
One day in December of 2014, I got a message from Joel. He sent me a screenshot of a pair of headphones on amazon.aus.uk or whatever their shit URL is, and asked me to buy them and ship them to him, since they didn’t ship to Australia (ha). Probably couldn’t afford the insurance for the ox-and-wagon mail delivery service they used to deliver mail in that shithole continent.
The listening devices in question were a $200 (American, presidential dollars) pair of headphones, and they had been marked down, remarkably, to $35. He wanted to jump on the deal. I couldn’t blame him, they’re great headphones. So, I ordered him a pair. I also ordered myself a pair. They arrived at my house on December 14, 2014. I tested out my headphones, and they’re great. I love them. Still use them today. Wearing them right now!
I went to FedEx on December 20th, and had with me the headphones for Joel, an American flag du-rag, and an envelope that had an empty condom wrapper and a torn up post it note for him to reassemble that read “I fucking own you” inside of it. I wrapped it all up in a box, and took it to be weighed. I was informed that to ship this to Joel’s address (which I still have and intend to use maliciously), I would have to pay $130+. Nope. We both agreed that was far too much, and I told him I would go to UPS to check their price.
I did go to UPS. Two weeks ago today. In May. I forgot about Joel’s headphones again and again for 5 months, leading to hilarious messages such as this:
Idiot. Of course I still had them. I just had forgotten about them in all of our banter.
So two months after that message, on May 9th, I went to UPS. I was quoted $324 for shipping by them. Obviously, Joel is too poor to pay me for this as well, so I told him I would go to USPS and check there.
It’s May 27th. I’ve still not gone to USPS, but to be fair, I didn’t forget. I walk past the headphones next to my fridge every single day. My roommate has 5 times offered to buy them from me for $50. I have rebutted every single time, saying, “I have to ship them to Joel.” He has consistently shook his head each time, and said, “You’re not going to ship them.”
It should be known that Joel invited me to his wedding in April. During the midst of all this. Whilst I owed him something I should have had figured out by now. Whilst he sat rapt by his mailbox or hole in the mud or whatever Australians have their mail delivered to. This idiot is so weak, so desperate for my affection, that he offered me a spot on the most magical day of his life, without knowing anything about me except for how good at puns and banter I am.
I didn’t go. But if I did, I wouldn’t have brought the headphones. Fuel costs, and all that, y’know?
In closing, Joel is a moron and should be feared by nobody. But he does have an okay looking scrotum.