D&D classes as john mulaney quotes
Barbarian - *smashes a 40 on the ground and yells* SCATTER!
Bard - the entire salt and pepper diner story.
Cleric - You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
Druid - Aaah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!
Monk - I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.
Paladin - for those of you who aren’t catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you (even though we looove to exclude you)…
Ranger - everybody get out of my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.
Sorcerer - this might as well happen. adult life is already so goddamn weird.
Rogue - Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.
Fighter - sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.
Warlock - FUCK DA POLICE!
Wizard - I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years kid, not me.