all of my goddamn feels right there

D&D classes as john mulaney quotes

Barbarian - *smashes a 40 on the ground and yells* SCATTER!

Bard - the entire salt and pepper diner story.

Cleric - You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

Druid - Aaah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!

Monk - I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.

Paladin - for those of you who aren’t catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you (even though we looove to exclude you)…

Ranger - everybody get out of my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.

Sorcerer - this might as well happen. adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Rogue - Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.

Fighter - sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.


Wizard - I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years kid, not me.

Periods Aren’t That Bad. They’re Actually A Whole Lot Worse: A Lesson For Non-Period-Havers

Disclaimer 1: This will probably get a little NSFW.

Disclaimer 2: Symptoms of periods vary from period-haver to period-haver. It pretty much sucks for everyone, though.

Disclaimer 3: I have a high pain tolerance. Really high. If I say something is really painful, it is really fucking painful.

And now for the reasons why having periods suck and it’s worse for us to have it than for you to hear about it:

  1. There is blood coming from our vaginas. This is a very unpleasant feeling. We cannot “hold it.” Some people get a light trickling. Some, like me, get a Goddamn crime scene.
  2. The ways to keep from bleeding all over everything include a pad, which basically feels like a diaper, and a tampon, which is basically shoving a cotton pipe up there, is not as much fun as it sounds, and can be very uncomfortable if done wrong. And doing it right is fairly hard. Thanks to good old Catholic sex ed, it took me about five years to figure out.
  3. Cramps. I am lucky in that my cramps tend not to be THAT bad (thank you, high pain tolerance), but some get cramps so bad that the pain is comparable to appendicitis.
  4. Headaches. What I lack in cramps, I often make up for in headaches. And not just any headaches. Agonizing headaches. They can start up to a week before the bleeding starts, they last a few days into it, and they don’t go away. No matter how much aspirin you take. Seriously, when I get menstrual headaches, I could down an entire fucking bottle of Advil and I’d probably die but my ghost would still have the headache.
  5. Acne. I’m talking looking like Deadpool under the mask.
  6. Indigestion. It isn’t fun.
  7. Bloating.
  8. Sometimes my actual vaginal region hurts. A lot. Enough to have me doubled over on the floor.
  9. For some reason my anxiety gets worse sometimes around my period. Which is extra fun. There’s nothing like nearly calling the morgue because your dad was late from a basketball game, only to find out he was at Applebee’s.
  10. Fatigue. Because I’m doing everything I normally do while my body is staging a mutiny.
  11. Backache.
  12. Just generally feeling disgusting.
  13. This goes on for a week.
  14. This happens every Goddamn month.
  15. This generally starts around age twelve or so and lasts until maybe age 45.
Things I've actually said

Like in a real life conversation

“Disrespect me like that again and I’ll punt your son”

“Did they really just sexualize a razor??”

“Stay #hydrated” (yes I said hashtag)

“I know you hate me with a passion but you should tolerate me because I brought you eclairs”


“Okay okay serious question guys… When you brush your teeth which row and which side do you start on?”

“Looking at pictures of the eclipse can make you blind I read it in a NASA article so fight me”

“Ok ok but hear me out. Bears don’t do shit but shit so don’t tell me I can’t prosper just because I sleep all day. Bitch”

“What did I say about talking while I’m interrupting?”

“I’ll call you later I’m bathrooming.”

“You literally just snatched my shoulder”

“Keep talking and imma beat your ass. Nothing special. No pistol whipping, no slapping you so hard you’ll see a galaxy far far away uh uh. None of that. Imma simply beat ya ass.”

“I got thick thighs and I tell no lies”

“Actually I just lied, I got thick thighs and I still lie.”

“I won’t know what to name my first child though. I have to think about all that in advance because if not I’m gonna look around the room and pick an object. My baby’s name is gonna turn out something like Pissbowl or Papertowel because I can’t with all that pressure.”

“That cat popped out the bush and stared at me like he was the baddest bitch. He was. And he knew it.”

“I don’t fuck with arachnids.”

“Why you gotta throw that ass in a circle? Don’t discriminate the shapes. WHY DON’T YOU THROW THAT ASS IN A SQUARE HUH??”

“Do mosquitoes have thanksgiving in August because I feel like a goddamn feast rn”

*looks in mirror* “Stfu no nobody asked you so fight me bitch” *stares at mirror in shock*

“If men ain’t shit and girls ain’t loyal where the hell do I go?”

“Really? Right in front of my salad??” (You’re damn right I use memes in my everyday conversations)

“Gasp part 2”

{that’s all I think. I’m pretty dumb but that makes for a good story so feel free to use these for prompts. Just tag me in it cuz I feel the need. The need for read. Ok I’m sorry I got like 3 hours of sleep okay.}



then they are HOLDING HAND when entering the castle OMFG KILL ME

of course we’ve all already fangirled about it, but… THE



it’s so dark-themed i do agree but STILL it’s so gorgeous and Anna’s suit is so simple yet so feminine and elegant and ELSA’S ONE OMFGGG I’M ON THE MOON RIGHT NOW IT’S AMAZING

then my icy baby having culpability omg Disney why, why me


also that new trail

that new goddamn trail

soon it will be 25 miles long omfg ELSA YOU BOASTY NERD


It reminds me so much of that scene in Once Upon a Time but anyway gotta hold my feels if I don’t wanna cry

also, do my lynx eyes of Frozen fangirl recognize a concept art that turned into a painting for this short ? HEHEHEH

back to Elsa having culpabilities HAHAHAHAAHA I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE THIS FALL

but even if the short seems pretty dark, literally and psychologically, they are positive notes



Elsa and Anna and their snow baby


then Elsa being an adorable cupcake as usual


i’m going to cry my eyes out at that scene tho

look at that setting jfc

BUT MY TWO MAIN MOTIVATIONS and reasons I CAN’T wait to see the shot are :

1. it looks really hilarious (Olaf being a king in that) and adult oriented (the sauna joke) and LOOK AT THOSE TWO DORKS







me @ me : rest in fucking pieces

Frozen 2 is going to be so extra good

bonus : Anna learned to ice skate and they’re both doing figures jfc my soul reached heavens

halsey (badlands) / starter sentences.

  • ❛  sick of all these people talking, sick of all this noise.  ❜
  • ❛  i’m headed straight for the castle.  ❜
  • ❛  they wanna make me their queen.  ❜
  • ❛  there’s no use crying about it.  ❜
  • ❛  do you feel like a young god?  ❜
  • ❛  the two of us are just young gods.  ❜
  • ❛  don’t get cut on my edges.  ❜
  • ❛  my tongue is a weapon.  ❜
  • ❛  if you wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight.  ❜
  • ❛  i keep a close watch on this heart of mine.  ❜
  • ❛  i walk the line.  ❜
  • ❛  i’ll admit that i’m a fool for you.  ❜
  • ❛  they’re coming for me.  ❜
  • ❛  my mind’s like a deadly disease.  ❜
  • ❛  i’m meaner than my demons.  ❜
  • ❛  who is in control?  ❜
  • ❛  i couldn’t stand the person inside me.  ❜
  • ❛  i turned all the mirrors around.  ❜
  • ❛  goddamn right, you should be scared of me.  ❜
  • ❛  can’t help this awful energy.  ❜
  • ❛  are you insane like me?  been in pain like me?  ❜
  • ❛  do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?  ❜
  • ❛  you run on gasoline.  ❜
  • ❛  i think there’s a flaw in my code.  ❜
  • ❛  these voices won’t leave me alone.  ❜
  • ❛  are you deranged like me?  are you strange like me?  ❜
  • ❛  my heart is gold, and my hands are cold.  ❜
  • ❛  keep on haunting me.  ❜
  • ❛  you put a fever inside me.  ❜
  • ❛  i’ve been cold since you left.  ❜
  • ❛  i’ve done some things that i can’t speak.  ❜
  • ❛  i found god.  ❜
  • ❛  i found the devil.  ❜
  • ❛  we’re lost somewhere in outer space.  ❜
  • ❛  i’ve got a lover.  ❜
  • ❛  it’s coming down.  ❜
  • ❛  i’m such a fool to pay this price.  ❜
  • ❛  i found a martyr.  ❜
  • ❛  i found the savior.  ❜
  • ❛  everybody wants to know.  ❜
  • ❛  that’s the beauty of a secret.  ❜
  • ❛  i don’t have to fucking tell you anything.  ❜
  • ❛  these days i can’t seem to get along with anyone.  ❜
  • ❛  you’re only happy when you’re sorry.  ❜
  • ❛  i hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old.  ❜
  • ❛  you’re dripping like a saturated sunrise.  ❜
  • ❛  you’re spilling like an overflowing sink.  ❜
  • ❛  you’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece.  ❜
  • ❛  you were a vision in the morning when the light came through.  ❜
  • ❛  i know i’ve only felt religion when i’ve lied with you.  ❜
  • ❛  i’m still waking every morning but it’s not with you.  ❜
  • ❛  everything is blue.  ❜
  • ❛  i’m searching for something that i can’t reach.  ❜
  • ❛  i don’t like them innocent.  ❜
  • ❛  what happened to the soul that you used to be?  ❜
  • ❛  do you remember the taste of my lips that night?  ❜
  • ❛  i stole a bit of my mother’s perfume.  ❜
  • ❛  i remember the fear in your eyes.  ❜
  • ❛  feet first, don’t fall.  ❜
  • ❛  keep close, stand tall.  ❜
  • ❛  all we do is drive.  ❜
  • ❛  all we do is think about the feelings that we hide.  ❜
  • ❛  all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign.  ❜
  • ❛  would it really kill you if we kissed?  ❜
  • ❛  what kind of dough have you been spending?  ❜
  • ❛  what kind of bubblegum have you been blowing lately?  ❜
  • ❛  we are the new americana.  ❜
  • ❛  my demons are begging me to open up my mouth.  ❜
  • ❛  i sold my soul to a three-piece.  ❜
  • ❛  hold me down.  ❜
  • ❛  knock me out.  ❜
  • ❛  throw me in the deep end, watch me drown.  ❜
Ball Chain & Satin

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: “Can you write a one shot where Bucky and Reader are getting married, but Bucky is scared. Angst or fluff, it’s up to you. Thanks!” Requested by Anonymous.

Word Count:1,391

Warnings: Language (probably)

A/N: I’m working on my requests, yay me! Oh boii, the fluff is strong :) Hope you’ll like it!

Originally posted by heartsandwheels

You were in front of the mirror, admiring your sleeveless satin wedding gown when someone knocked on the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

Grabbing a fistful of satin, you gathered up the skirt of your gown and moved closer to the door. You pressed your ear against the wood and heard him shuffling around on the other side of the door.

“Buck, what are you doing here? We’re not supposed to see each other before the ceremony.”

“I wanted to see you.”

“You’ll see me in an hour. Now, hush!”

Keep reading

Our Little Secret - Part Thirteen

Summary: Your and Dean’s fight hits you hard, you don’t know how to fix it, you don’t know how to talk it out and now you have to work a case that hits a little too close to home.

Series Masterlist

Characters: Dean, Sam, Reader

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Kink(s)/Square Filled: Touch Starvation for @spnkinkbingo

Word Count: 6500

Warnings:language, fighting, angst, smut, oral, feels

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I’m really loving these character and this series. Thank you for your wonderful responses. I also love the debate that this made last night, it’s so special to see people invested enough in these characters that they pick sides. A special thank you to the people who looked this over for me @atc74 and @sylverminx

This is unbetaed, all mistakes are my own


The tears stream down your face, hot and messy, you don’t bother to brush them away. You don’t know where you were planning on going, your feet are stuck here in the dimly lit parking lot as your eyes search, brain on overdrive trying to think of something, anything to make this better.

A hand on your shoulder makes you fling around, scared, you hadn’t heard Sam walk up behind you, “Y/N?”

You don’t say anything, just wrap your arms around your friend and let him pull you against him as he tells you that everything is going to be alright.

His arms loosen and he pulls your face up, “Where are you going?”

“I-I don’t know,” you sob, the words tumbling out.

“Come on,” he wraps his arm around your shoulders, “nothing’s open now anyways.”

Keep reading

lyrics bios (requested

Lana :

go play a video game

it’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you everything i do

heaven is a place on earth with you

i heard that you like the bad girls honey, is that true?

you’re no good for me but baby i want you

being a bad bitch on the side it might not appeal to fools like you

can you make it feel like home

don’t make me sad don’t make me cry

sometimes love is not enough

‘cause you and i we were born to die

Halsey :

all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign sick and full of pride

i’m bigger than my body i’m colder than this home

i’m meaner than my demons i’m bigger than these bones

goddamn right, you should be scared of me

i couldn’t stand the person inside me i turned all the mirrors around

i’ve grown familiar with villains that live in my head

you’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece

i’m a wanderess i’m a one night stand

don’t belong to no city don’t belong to no man

i’m the violence in the pouring rain i’m a hurricane

they think i’m insane, they think my lover is strange

that’s the beauty of a secret you know you’re supposed to keep it


i think i talk too much i  need to listen

i think i try too hard how i look, what i do, what i’m sayin

i spend too much time explainin myself

Troye Sivan :

never knew loving could hurt this good

you make my heart shake bend and break

in the crowd alone and every second passing reminds me im not home

blazed eyes empty hearts buying happy from shopping cards

my happy little pill take me away

only fools fall for you

“She’s too good for you” - Dick Grayson x Reader

Summary : You finally meet your boyfriend’s family. 

Just a short little thing I wanted to write about the eldest of the batkids…Hope you’ll like it :s.

(My masterlist blog here :


You were watching TV, on your own, in your tiny apartment when it all happened. 

A knock on your door, and then said door opening. You didn’t worry, you knew who it was.

-(Y/N), how many times will I have to tell you that you need to lock your door ? Gotham is a dangerous city…

You turned around, kneeling up on your couch, to look at him. Richard Grayson was facing you. Your boyfriend. You smiled with defiance.

-You know Richie, if someone really wanted to get in my house, the lock wouldn’t do anything. They can just bust the door open with one kick. It’s a very shitty door, in a very shitty complex apartment. No one will ever even think anything valuable is in there. And they’d be right. 

-I beg to disagree, there’s one very valuable thing in this apartment…

You raised your eyebrows. Even your TV was like a hundred years old, and totally worthless. He walked toward you, stopping behind your couch to kiss you. You kissed back eagerly, tangling your hand in his hair, and he pulled back with a low chuckle. Oh you loved his laugh so much. It was damn sexy. 

-You. I’m talking about you (Y/N). 

Keep reading

getting a new phone has taught me that my samsung was fucking CARRYING my ass. all that time it let me think i was #nofilter just so i wouldn’t feel bad. the pixel 2 has no time for that shit. i’m seeing shit on my face i didn’t even know was there. did you know that i have fucking sideburns?? i didn’t! my bathroom mirror didn’t! my samsung didn’t say shit about shit! but this pixel 2 camera honed in that shit real fucking quick!! this pixel 2 is gonna make good and goddamn sure you know aaaaaall about my rosacea. did you wanna see right through my thin-ass hair to my fucked-up scalp? of course you fucking didn’t, no one needs to see that. TOO BAD. the pixel 2 thinks you have a right to fucking know. “information wants to be free,” the pixel 2 says, “like how much your whole goddamn head looks like a hobgoblin’s diaper rash”

i gotta organize my thoughts on why evermore has me so shook

1) it’s just so goddamn beautiful. and goddamn dan stevens + beast voice growliness???? good shit ok. good damn good shit. 

2. it comes at the PERFECT thematic moment for beast. certain characters just wouldn’t pour their heart out in song format like that. they just wouldn’t. and beast is one of them, he wouldn’t, not until he’s at his lowest would he sing-monologue like that. the song comes at the exact right point in the story. holy shit good timing 10/10

c - he doesn’t have anything against belle herself for leaving. sad as heck she’s gone? yes. convinced he’s never gonna see her again and SUPER sad about that? yes. but angry at her for leaving??? no??? not at all??? damn dude. that’s some goddamn character development. 

ii. he’s been so affected by her she’ll forever inspire him and that is just. goddamn disney. that’s it y’all are done you can’t top that, that’s the pinnacle representation of romantic love. could anyone else even??

b) he’s so completely convinced she’d never come back to him. im so sad. oh, guy. dude. i feel so bad for you. im so sorry you poor sad bastard. “i’ll fool myself she’ll walk right in” oh my god guy you can’t even imagine she’d want to come back to you. 

somebody help me i’ve been listening to this song on repeat for 13 hours and crying

“I’m a coward. Such a freaking coward!”

Dean heaves a deep sigh and rubs his temples in a weak attempt to order his thoughts. It feels like a goddamned roller coaster in there and he really doesn’t know what to do.

“It’s just … it should be easy, right?” he continues, shaking his head. “They’re just words. Granted, huge words. Words I never said before to another person outside of my family. But …”

He pauses, looking at the big golden eyes in front of him that study him expectantly.

“What do you think, man?” Dean asks. “Am I a coward?”

No reply, just an intense stare.

“Or am I crazy?” Dean suggests. “For talking to a frigging cat of all things!”

Mojo finally decides to blink … and stays quiet.

Stupid cat!

“I am crazy!” Dean groans, throwing his hands into the air. “Instead of facing my boyfriend and telling him that I love him, I’m talking to his cat who likes to chase flies and lick his butt all day. That doesn’t make any sense!”

Mojo tilts his head – and damn, he does look a bit like Castiel that way – and eyes Dean in that typical humans-are-quite-weird way. He did it the very first time Dean came over – the night after his first date with Castiel, him being all jittery and jumpy, wondering whether the ‘tea’ Castiel offered him at the front porch with a warm smile before inviting him in actually meant a hot beverage or something completely different, his nerves all over the place – and Mojo obviously thought him the weirdest person on the planet.

(By the way, the 'tea’ actually turned out to be tea. That … and the best first kiss ever!)

Since then Dean’s relationship with the cat is kinda reserved. Mojo mostly stays out of sight or at least far away, just staring at Dean as though he hopes that this odd human would finally disappear and never return. There is wariness and suspicion and Mojo only condescends to ignore all this when he’s in the mood for some proper petting.

“You don’t care about my problems, right?” Dean sighs. “I mean, you’re a cat, why should you? You probably think I’m dense for not having the nerve to tell my boyfriend – my beautiful, gorgeous amazing boyfriend – that I’m hopelessly in love with him. That the last few months had been the best of my life. That I’m, without any doubt, the luckiest guy alive.”

He shuts his eyes for a second. “He’s so awesome, you know? Everything I ever hoped for and at the same time so much more! I’m so crazy about him, you’ve got no idea.” He fidgets awkwardly. “But how do I tell him all that? I’m so awful at the feelings-crap and as soon as I look into his pretty eyes I’ll forget anything I wanted to say.”

Mojo dignifies Dean’s little meltdown with a big yawn and an I-couldn’t-care-less expression.

Dean, however, just lets it pass. “How do normal people do it? Just say it right into the person’s face?” He bites his bottom lip in frustration. “How?”

“There are some who talk about it with their boyfriend’s pet,” suddenly a very deep and very familiar voice interjects.

Dean leaps to his feet immediately and stares at Castiel with wide eyes. “Cas!”

Of course he shouldn’t be surprised by his boyfriend’s presence since this is Castiel’s place after all and he only left to run a small errand, even reassuring Dean that it “won’t take long”, but for some reason Dean totally missed how much time already passed.

Castiel, however, seems highly amused. “So that’s what you’re doing when I leave the house? Having deep and meaningful conversations with Mojo?”

The cat merely spares them a brief glance before starting to lick his paws and ignore them in a way only cats manage to do.

Dean smiles crookedly. “He’s actually not the best to talk to.”

Castiel takes a step closer and chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’m doing the same thing all the time.”

Dean lifts an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yes.” Castiel cups Dean’s cheek, his fingers so warm that Dean instantly leans into the touch. “Just yesterday I told him how much I love my boyfriend.”

Dean’s heartbeat picks up its pace rather spectacularly and he can’t contain a beaming grin. “You do?”

Castiel hums in affirmation, his nose brushing Dean’s. “Very, very much.”

The kiss that follows is sweet and soft and it makes Dean’s skin tingle in the most pleasant way possible.

“I love you too,” Dean whispers before surging right back in.

And on the couch Mojo continues to groom his fur and probably wonders why humans are so annoyingly complicated.

thigh choker (m)

anonymous asked:

Park Jimin + “Have you been fucking someone else? Because I can do it better than them, you know I can. Let me prove to you why I should still be your favorite, filthy whore.” Thank youuuuuuu

➾13/13 (fucking finally????) of jimin’s smut fest 2017

➾ 1.5k

➾ this is it!!!!! this concludes my jimin smut fest, and altho my thirst for jimin will never die, i’m more than relieved to finally finish this… like 2 months late….. but at least before 2017 ends :”)

side note: ssireum means korean wrestling

The sports arena is bustling with cameramen, sports officials and athletes running around, all of them trying to get who knows where before the actual event starts. The incessant buzzing of your phone in your back pocket also reminds you that you have less than 15 minutes to locate Park Jimin and get him ready for his own event, so it’s really a game of high stakes here.

Keep reading

Sick Day

Characters: Dean, Reader, Sam

Summary:  Dean has the flu

Word Count:  2311

Warnings:  None. I think I fluffed.

Tags are at the bottom.  As always, feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

Sick Day

Kicking the covers off, you give up. Dean has been tossing and turning all night, and you can’t take it anymore.

Crossing to the other bed, you shake Sam gently. “Mmm…” he answers.

“Sam,” you say, shaking harder, “Sam, scoot over.”


“Scoot over.”

He rolls over onto his side and you climb into his bed. When the three of you had to share a room, you always opted to sleep with Dean. Sam tends to take up the entire bed with his massive frame. Dean isn’t much better, but you still end up with a little more room in his bed.  

Sam rolls back over onto his other side, snoring softly. Dean moans incoherently in his sleep from the other side of the room. You’re not sure if bunking with Sam is an improvement in your sleeping conditions, but eventually, you drift off to sleep.


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Im sobbing in every language known  to man

Some days I’m sitting on my couch and then it hits me that the Noah Clan are the big bads of the series, and that in any other series they would be demonized  in an attempt to show that there are only two sides. Good guys, the Absolute Pure, vs Bad Guys, the Absolute Evil. Black and White, there’s no in-between, no wiggle room. Bad is bad, good is good. End of story.

D Gray Man changes that. We see the Earl helping Road with her homework, and, ( bless Hoshino), Tyki fishing in a creek and hanging out with his friends. We see Sheril having a family (in his own words “playing house”) and running a state.Wisely having a bath with the Earl (and Gamako, cannot forget Gamako). Hell, the EARl EVEN KNITS, which is…well…so innocent for someone who in another blink will use someone’s grief against them. We see the normal, relatable sides to each of the antagonists. Hoshino isn’t afraid to show us that the people the Order are fighting, while strange and outlandish at times, are still very, very human. And its absolutely brilliant that in the same breath she’s been showing us that the Order isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s done terrible things to not only innocent people, but the people that are loyal to them. 

There is no black and white here. There is only different shades of gray, and it’s why I truly love the series in all its brilliance.

Supernatural Family/Domestic Sentence Starters

I got a request for resentful children of demon parents, and decided to expand on the idea so that more people could put the meme to use. Most of these are crack-angst at most, but some serious ones are put into the mix too!

“So you’ve got [insert species] in your family, but you’re normal? Bummer.”
“When I said to water the flowerbeds, I didn’t mean to cause a rain storm!”
“Ow! You stepped on my tail!”
“It’s such a pain getting these wings into a shirt. I don’t see why I even have to wear one.”
“Just because your [parent] breathes fire now and then doesn’t make you cool.”
“So what do you guys do, take trips to Hell every summer or something?”
“Honestly, this whole ‘half-human’ thing is bullshit.”
“I wish for once we could just be a normal family.”
“Stop with the creepy face thing, you’re embarrassing me.”
“Everyone thinks it would be awesome, but it’s not.”
“I’d love to introduce you to my parents, but, well, that’s an issue.”
“You know, even though my family is full of weirdos, you can treat me like a normal person.”
“Sometimes I just wish things weren’t so goddamn weird in my life.”
“Nothing really scares me anymore.”
“Don’t feel bad. No one’s family is -normal-.”
“If you think I’m weird, you should meet my family.”
“I think you’re just a late bloomer. We aren’t all born with our abilities right from the beginning.”
“I’m not sure they’re really my parents. Maybe they just kidnapped me from a Walmart as a baby.”
“We have all of these supernatural powers, so why can’t we use them to pretend not to be freaks?”
“You don’t get it. There’s no one else like me.”
“Could you just try not to be freaky for once in your life?”
“Great job! I’m a total outcast because of this weird-ass family.”
“Being this way makes it a little hard to make friends.”
“You can’t just spook all of my friends because you don’t like them.”
“If you hear weird noises from our house, don’t worry about it too much.”
“If we have a baby, do you think it’ll be like you or like me?”
“You must have endless patience to put up with my weirdness.”
“So do you guys drink blood and sleep in coffins and all that?”
“The other day, I was practicing for a Latin test and accidentally summoned my uncle.”

A concept: Tony is dating Steve. Bucky is dating Steve. They are not dating each other and actually resent the other a little–Tony because he knows it’s only a matter of time before Steve breaks up with him to just be with Bucky, and Bucky because he had Steve first, even if it was decades ago and a lot has happened since he fell off the train. They both do a very good job of not showing it in front of Steve though because they know (at least as of right now) that Steve loves them both and they don’t want to upset him.

So Tony is very confused when his staring longingly at the dance floor because Steve doesn’t dance in public is interrupted by Bucky standing in front of him and offering him his hand. When Tony doesn’t say anything, Bucky looks a little miffed. “Do you wanna dance or not?” Confusion is probably the only thing that makes Tony take his hand because otherwise he’s pretty sure he would have snubbed Bucky viciously since Steve wasn’t there to hear it. It’s okay though. Bucky lets him lead. “’s not my style of dancin’,” Bucky mumbles when Tony asks about it. Instead of making a joke like he usually would, Tony just keeps his mouth shut. Bucky’s not Steve, but at least he’s not a grabby socialite either.

(“Why does your boyfriend look so goddamn sad,“ Bucky growls, because he knows if a pap gets a picture of Tony right now there are going to be articles all over the rag mags calling him the jilted lover right next to pictures of Steve hanging out with Bucky at the bar. Steve pretends he doesn’t care but he knows they hurt him. “He wants to dance and Pepper has a three dance limit anymore because she knows the magazines speculating they’re getting back together hurt my feelings,” Steve mutters, looking mildly embarrassed. Bucky opens his mouth to point out that there are tons of other willing people but stops when he sees one of those willing people holding onto Tony’s arm with a white-knuckled grip. Tony smiles and extracts himself from her with practiced ease but the woman still stomps off angrily, probably to spread some nasty rumor about him. “Why don’t you go dance with him, then?” he snaps, if only to keep Tony from looking like a sad kitten in the rain. He’d much prefer hanging out with Steve than scowling at anyone that tried to approach him but Tony really does look that sad. Steve turns to give him what he probably thinks is a stern look but he mostly just looks pained. “He has that mission with Natasha tomorrow and she said that if he’s limping because I stepped on his toes again she’s going to castrate me.” Well, Bucky can’t have that. He likes Steve’s dick too much and he assumes that Tony does too. Steve looks at him hopefully. “You could dance with him!” Bucky does not make a face of disgust but only because of practice. “C’mon, Buck! You loved to dance in the forties! If you’re uncomfortable, Tony can lead,” he adds, becoming more enthused by the idea. “He’s a good dancer!” “Fine,” Bucky snaps, but only because he can see the people with cameras working their ways closer to Tony. The things he does for Steve, honestly.)

((Tony is an extremely good dancer. Bucky’s a little bitter that if he wants to dance he has to do it with Tony but somehow twinkle-toes Steve can manage to back flip out of a moving car onto another moving car with ease but he can’t manage not to step on his dance partners’ feet. Luckily though, there are tons of galas the Avengers have to go to that he can dance as often as he wants to.))

Then Bucky wants to check out one of the clubs he’s heard about that apparently people his (basic) age go to. Steve walks in and then has to stumble right back out to vomit. “Music hurt your ears, got it,” Tony says, and gets to work on some earplugs that Steve can wear so he doesn’t get so overwhelmed. He makes a pair for Bucky too and Bucky mumbles an awkward ‘thank you’ because the music had overwhelmed him but it hadn’t given him vertigo like it had Steve. He’s a little annoyed that Tony insists on coming with them but he promises to leave once he’s sure the earplugs don’t need any fixing so he figures it’s okay, even if Tony laughing that I’m-actually-self-conscious-but-I-hope-you-don’t-notice laugh and saying “I’ll be half everyone’s age anyway, no one wants me there” makes him feel bad for being annoyed.

Tony wishes that he had earplugs too, and then he feels ancient. God. He’d spent years in places like these. He tweaks Steve’s earplugs a little bit and then readies himself to go after a drink (it’s more sugar than alcohol tbh but he feels like he deserves it after feeling so old). “You and Bucky should dance,” Steve suggests before he can put his coat back on. “I’ll hold your coat.” Tony sputters but Steve basically shoves him and Bucky onto the dance floor. And with Steve watching, all bright-eyed and happy that his boyfriends are getting along, they can’t really argue. “Sorry for horning in on your date,” Tony says, looking miserable, and Bucky assumes that it’s because he feels guilty because Bucky never horns in on his dates with Steve. He also assumes it’s because Tony’s in a three-piece suit and everyone else is wearing “clubbing” clothes. Well, Tony looks better than anyone else in the club anyway.

It’s not dancing like Bucky’s used to but he kinda likes it, plastered up against Tony’s back, hips rocking in time to the beat, especially once Tony relaxes into him instead of being as stiff as a board. He can understand now what Steve means when he talks about Tony being the perfect amount of soft. Tony’s all hard muscle from years of inventing and the labor and heavy-lifting it entails–except for his truly magnificent ass. Bucky is no longer offended by the times he talks to Steve and Steve stares at Tony’s ass instead of looking back at him. His eyes are going to be drawn to this wonderful ass from now on as well.

And then his heart flips over when Tony tips his head back against his shoulder to look up at him, all wide-eyed surprise and wonder. Bucky can’t explain why his heart sinks when Tony’s expression goes all sad. “I think we’ve danced enough that Steve won’t be offended if I leave,” Tony says softly, but the earplugs catch it and muffle the music enough to hear it perfectly. Tony doesn’t even stop to grab his coat before he leaves. The club isn’t nearly as fun without Tony there to watch as he takes a sip of a brightly colored beverage and then looks at it and say “that’s so sweet it hurts my teeth.”

(Tony feels old. Of course Steve’s going to leave him for Bucky. They’re young and want to go out and have fun and he’s dragging them down with quiet nights in and take-out, and if they go out it’s to expensive restaurants where Steve feels out of place. If only they’d unfrozen when he was younger–but they probably wouldn’t have wanted him then anyway, all loose and drunk and high. They’d have been ashamed to know him then. Everyone was.)

((Steve and Bucky don’t like clubbing. It’s loud and other people try to dance with them after Bucky’s finally dragged Steve onto the dance floor. Bucky prefers dancing with Tony anyway. Steve never relaxes enough to really enjoy it; Tony, once he’d relaxed, had been like liquid against him, seeming to know all the moves Bucky was going to make before he made them. Bucky has no idea how Steve can be so bad at rhythm when they’re even just basically grinding against each other. Why was he cursed with such a bad dancer as a boyfriend?))

Eventually it comes to a head: Steve and Tony get into a fight about something that happened during a battle and it follows them from the briefing room back home, getting louder and angrier until music comes on and they both shut their mouths with a snap. Bucky turns from the old-fashioned record player that Tony had brought in for Steve (the giant sap), walks over to Tony, and holds out his hand. “What are you doing,” Tony asks, voice shaking a little, because there’s no reason for this, Bucky doesn’t have to dance with him so Tony doesn’t look so sad in paparazzi’s pictures or because Steve asked him to. Bucky doesn’t answer, just holds his hand out more insistently. “Why,” Tony asks again, eyes going shiny and sad.

Steve looks back and forth between them, then puts a hand on the small of Tony’s back and pushes him a step closer. Tony looks back at him in confusion before looking back at Bucky and finally, hesitantly, taking his hand.

(“You’re both idiots,” Bucky says flatly after he and Tony have gone in a circle around the room. “You’re both wrong and yelling at each other isn’t going to make you right. It’s just going to make you hoarse.” “I–I’m not wrong,” Tony sputters, too startled to scowl. “Yeah you are. And Steve is too. But you’re both idiots, so I’ll forgive you this once for makin’ each other feel bad.” Steve ducks his head. Then he jerks it back up when Bucky lets out an outraged squawk. “What? What is it?” “He stepped on my foot!” Bucky exclaims, offended. Steve stares. He can’t imagine Tony ever actually stepping on anyone’s foot. “He did it on purpose, Steve,” Bucky deadpans. Tony turns his head and nods. He did it on purpose.)

((Steve is super fucking proud of himself, getting his boyfriends to get along. He’ll never tell them it was because of him, though. They don’t like being manipulated, even for their own good.))