how to successfully navigate through your college entrance exams without really trying
(a work in progress, except not really. these all come from experience.)
1) In case something tragic happens to your application form (for example, you glue the sheets together, you drop them in some mud while running, etc.), include an apology note. Handwritten on the prettiest stationery you own, with your favourite pen.
2) If the college/university you’re applying for requires to pass an essay along with your application form, don’t worry too much about it. Write it in one go, print it and put it in your envelope with your eyes closed, then submit. (Optional: when you get into your university of choice, look for that essay, and cry at all your typos.)
3) It is totally a good idea to sleep at midnight the day before your CET.
4) Then wake up 1.5 hours before your CET starts.
5) Then realize halfway to the testing center that you’ve left your bag at home.
6) Then text all your friends about it.
7) Really important—TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO BRING THE ENTIRE BARANGAY.
8) Bring adobo. You will pass, and also get a boyfriend/girlfriend.
9) Heck, bring chicharon. If you’ve ever wondered if people can hear you when you chew, you can get an answer after your CET.
10) What do you mean you’re not supposed to wear another university’s jacket/shirt/etc. during your CET?
11) Wink at everyone. EVERYONE. YOU ARE A FIERCE SEXY BEAST, AND THAT WILL DISTRACT AND FLUSTER THEM WHILE YOU BREEZE THROUGH THAT EXAM LIKE THE WINNER YOU ARE.
12) Pray that you will end up seated—or if possible, seat yourself—near your favourite religious icon. Test-taking buddy!
13) Your CET desk space will be your home for 5 hours. Even if it is as big as your thigh. Even if it is as big as your skinniest friend’s thigh.
14) If a story in your CET mentions golden breasts or anything of the sort, please refrain from laughing. It will be your downfall.
15) EVEN MORE SO IF IT MENTIONS ANYTHING VAGUELY PHALLIC
16) Make good use of your scratch paper (P.S. ADMU’s is pink). CETs are the perfect time to figure draw, write vaguely homoerotic fanfiction, or write down song lyrics that are stuck in your head.
17) 25 items? In five minutes? You can make pretty mountains and stairs and ziggurats on your answer sheet!
18) Essay? Write it as fast as you can, then fall asleep. No problem, a little magic drool goes a long way.
19) Puke after each CET. It will help you feel better.
20) Eat after each CET. It will also help you feel better.
21) Don’t stress yourself! Even if your CETs are probably the most important exams of your lives, be calm. It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop. (Not.)