aliens funny

Suppose there was a species that was very peaceful, very good at diplomacy and just generally very nice— but they also happened to look really terrifying to humans. Sort of an opposite to that ‘humans are cute space orcs’ thing— species X is perfectly friendly, but just happens to look like they walked out of a human horror movie.

We don’t blame them for it, it’s not their fault (and we’re slightly too afraid to talk to them about it anyway) we just quietly avoid ships where they are stationed and stay away from areas where they live and, over time, it just becomes accepted that, for whatever reason, you don’t put humans and species X together. Captains turn down human applicants if they’ve got a member of species X on their crew and visa versa. They barely notice that they’re doing it, it’s just how things are done.

Then one day a human crewed ship breaks down in species X space so that one of their ships picks up the distress signal. Being such lovely people, they offer to help and the humans can’t think of a good enough excuse to refuse.

The repairs take about a week and, the whole time, the species X crew members are loving the human ship. It’s so spacious, you barely even see other crew members! (They don’t realise that all the humans are constantly ducking out the way whenever they see them coming.)

The humans, meanwhile, just spend the entire week in Hell. The species X crew members like to take shortcuts through the ventilation shafts, so you can constantly hear them skittering around above your head; the ship is full of this low key but very distinctive smell— rotting meat, the smell of death (apparently they give it off when they’re happy); half the crew have goosebumps, despite the temperature controls working perfectly.

The ones working in the engine room directly alongside the species X crew have it hardest though, they can’t run away— and it’s very hard to relax and do your job when, suddenly, you hear this noise above your head and a hairless, milk white creature with no eyes and a huge mouth filled with razor sharp teeth and long gangling limbs with fingers and toes that look human but like they’ve been stretched, leaps silently with catlike grace from the rafters, lands right next to you, flicks out a forked tongue, holds out a long taloned hand and asks “can I borrow your spanner?”

Humans are Weird

Have you guys ever heard of gaze detection? It’s when you feel like someone is staring at you and you start to get nervous and anxious?

Like the only time you get this feeling is when Someone is staring at you hardcore. They won’t stop looking at you, so when you get this feeling it’s common to start looking around for the source of the stare.

What if aliens don’t have this? You can stare at them for hours and they won’t even shift uncomfortably or become anxious. What if only humans have this?

It’s been a week since the new human climbed aboard our ship. It is well known they are an interesting and somewhat terrifying species that, surprisingly, are very knew to the Alliance. But even though they were fresh to the universe, they somehow were able to be a big influence.

So naturally most of us stared at the new human in curiosity. It was a male from what we could gather and he was a loud human. He would talk all the time with the other members of the crew and would make noises while he worked. “Outgoing” as the humans described it.

But something strange happens to him when we are looking at him. He could be talking to a crew member or doing his work when I start to stare for more then a few minutes I mean, he’s just so strange looking and he seems harmless from the outside that I couldn’t help but stare.

Suddenly he stiffens, grows quiet. The room is completely silent. It sets me on edge. Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?

Suddenly the human snaps his head towards me with his forehead hair down “frowning”, he’s staring right at me.

I shriek internally and panick. Oh no he’s mad he’s going to kill me? How did he know I was looking at him?! Does he have sensors or something?!?! Damn it I knew I shouldn’t have been alone with him!

I quickly hovered out of the room and hid behind a generator. I pray to Xbephon he doesn’t find me.

The Human shook his head and continued back to his work. Mumbling about “weird aliens, I was just going to ask them to stop staring.”

(Un)lucky Numbers

Humans are weird right? We have weird diets, we don’t know how to let the environment kill us, and we believe the oddest things. Like a day can be unlucky because of a number, or saying something makes it more likely to happen, or certain things bring bad luck. I just don’t see some of these things passing as we go into space.


Alien: Human friend, why have you locked yourself in your room?

Human: Because it’s Friday the 13th.

Alien: What does that have to do with anything?

Human: Bad luck, something always happens. I’m just going to sleep, see you tomorrow.

Alien: I… okay? *walks away perturbed and confused*

Alien: Human friend, have you made contact with your, ah, “Parents” recently?

Human: Shhhhh, don’t say it.

Alien: Say… what?

Human: Nothing, just… nothing.

Alien: … Do you mean, refer to your “pa-”

Human: DON’T MENTION THEM!!

Alien: But… why?

Human: They’ll call and then I have to deal with them and explain why I ran away to another space ship.

*comm rings*

Human: I’M NOT HERE!