Now that Tony Abbott will soon return to his home planet after losing the Prime Ministership of Australia let’s take a moment to remember this touching moment where he ate a raw onion, skin and all, just like we humans do.
On the topic of other alien races in SU (x) I still vote Yellowtail. And no, not because of some anti-autism thing in regards of his son.
Onion has a very odd design. He and his dad have no ears (a gem thing too) and are extremely pale (which is apparently contagious, just look at Sadie). His ways of non-verbal communication and how he acts is NOT alien. That’s very human. In fact, we have the whole Onion Gang to prove this. (Also, wasn’t there a rule in SU that all characters appears at least twice, reason why we seen Andy, Kevin and Morty twice? Will we see these lovely Onion Gang kids again? I love em so much!)
With the Onion Gang in mind, the only autism=aliens message could be taken from the lack of relevance from the established humans whom also read as autistic. But I have another concern and reason to see Yellowtail and Onion as aliens. Yellowtail speaks in a language that we as an audience are supposed to find humorous in its simplicity and inability to understand. He just goes “wahwahwah”. If this is to be taken as earth language then they just make some “weird Europe” joke and that is xenophobic. Non-English languages are not illogical, unpretty or a joke. And European people are not all white people, which this would imply, them being the only ones we seen. This is a harmful message. Especially with how poor the show has developed the state and history of earth in regards to colonization etc. (x)
On a narrative level (they won’t do anything with) I kind of like that Onion and Steven would be both half human / half alien and that Vidalia and Greg who already have a meaningful connection both ended up dating aliens. And yeah, in general any earth-residing non-Gem alien that are present out of travel or fled from a now Gem invested planet is all great lore stuff.
Hey, you guys, if aliens land on Earth, can I call dibs on being their first contact? Sure, I bet scientists and politicians would scramble to be first in line, but I think I could do a better job, and I’ll tell you why.
One, I wouldn’t make such a big deal of it. My guess is that aliens would be weirded out by a lot of pomp and circumstance. Instead of flags and fancy handshakes and junk, I’d be all like, “Hey yo, pop a squat on that ottoman. I’ll go grab us some cold ones.” And, I bet the aliens would be like, “Awesome, yeah. Cool apartment, dude. Dope Pearl Jam poster.”
Two, I wouldn’t be all up their asses about advanced technology. You send a scientist in as first contact, and he’d be like, “Spaceship spaceship spaceship!” Yeah, I mean, we’d get to that stuff eventually, but you gotta ease into it. I’d be like, “So, what are you guys into? Music? Or just chilling out? Cool. Cool. So, like, does your spaceship run on crazy powerful crystals or something? Do you have any extra of those?”
And, then we’d get to live on a world where everything’s run on crystals and everybody has Segways and stuff. Y’know why? Because I wouldn’t be pushy about it.
Where are we at? Three?
Three, if shit goes down, I know how to handle myself. Like, say these alien dudes are interested in world domination and kidnapping folks for butt probing.
See, if the military were there, they’d be all like, “LAUNCH THE NUKES!” at even the first sign of lasers or anal probes. Whoa whoa whoa, no need for nukes. My buddy, Herc, tries that shit all the time, so I have experience in these areas. (Totally true. Whenever Herc gets wasted, he grabs dudes and tries sticking his finger up the backs of their shorts. He laughs like it’s a joke, but I think there’s something else there.)
But, instead of needing the military, I could just be like, “I got this,” and whip out some kung fu shit. Just go total Roadhouse on those aliens. I’d be like, “POW CHOP PA-POW!” And, they be all, “Oww, oooh, ugh! My big, gray head!”
Ask Tommy. He’s seen me do it to a guy once who was messing with a girl at Wawa.
Then, when the aliens are sitting on the curb, rubbing their sore heads or whatever, I’d hand them a cold brew, and I’d be like, “Sorry I had to put you guys in your place. But, you get that you pulled a dick move, right?”
And, they’d be like, “Yeah. Sorry we tried to invade you guys. We’re cool.”
Part four… Uh, okay, so everything so far has assumed these aliens were the little gray dudes who may or may not be into planetary conquering and/or butt science. Instead, if these aliens are the sexy green lady kind of aliens, I also call dibs on first contact.
For that I’m gonna need some supplies—candles, chocolate-covered cherries, maybe some scented oils. I’m kinda low on cash right now, so do you think the U.N. Nations would chip in to buy those things? They’re in charge of UFO landing stuff, right?
Can you do me a solid and call and ask them? I don’t really know anybody at the U.N. Nations, and I think it’d be weird if I just called them up asking for money for sex stuff. Anyway, let me know if you hear back from them.
I’m really excited about this first contact stuff. I think it’s gonna turn out really great.
[Andy Ross is a writer and comedian who has contributed to The Onion News Network, Comedy Central, and MAD Magazine. He runs a monthly humor series called Real Characters at McNally Jackson Books in SoHo. Follow him on twitter @waitforandy.
Ok so I fuckin love the idea that onion is secretly a gem of some kind, even if he isn’t yellow diamond! I mean look at this dude:
BUT I think everyone has ignored a fact that is very important: Onion has a dad.
This could mean a lot of things. There are a lot of different weird magic/alien reasons, supposing that onion is a gem, as to why he would have some sort of dad on earth.
But I’m thinking, because onion lives on earth and has a dad, that his mom was yellow diamond (or some other gem) and not him. Assteven hasn’t inherited too many of his mom’s trademarks (i.e. the pink hair and extremely fair skin ) and onion’s dad has yellow features, onion’s mom might not even be a yellow gem
Steven has Rose’s gem, and it’s always referred to as Rose Quartz’s gem. Jasper didn’t even know that Steven wasn’t actually Rose, so it’s very possible that she and the other homeworld gems have no idea that onion isn’t yellow diamond. Assuming that onion gem mom isn’t yellow diamond, they probably wouldn’t even know he existed.
Greg also remarked that Rose was able to save a handful of her friends (garnet/ruby and sapphire, pearl, and probably that chunk of bismuth bubbled in lion’s mane, maybe centipeedle too). It was revealed in Rose’s scabbard that Rose kept a lot of secrets from literally everyone, even her own husband and Pearl. Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst also don’t disclose everything to Steven so that he won’t have to worry.
It’s entirely possible that they wouldn’t tell him that Bismuth was with them and is being kept/was lost, and that centipeedle used to be a crystal gem, or that there was another gem of some kind on earth who went to start their own life and family.