alien in suit

*Terminator 2 drums* DOOMDOOM DOOM DOOMDOOM

DOOOOMTROOOIIIIIDDDDD, BITCH. Finally got this sucker posted, hoooo boy. Just in time for FAN EXPO 2016 TOMORROW BWAH BWAH BWAAAAHHHHH

Check this shit with a whole lot of other awesome shit by ME and MY CREW, COUNT ‘EM OFF!

HUNAID BAM!

JEM BAM!

ARIF BAM!

YESSY BAM!

ALLEN BAM!

Humans are space orcs, eh?

I’m new to this, but I love what I’m reading in the feed lately, so, trying my hand!

Some ideas:

What if the greatest diplomacy problem in dealing with humans is that they seem to lie about past events constantly, even to someone who witnessed the same events?  Then it’s discovered that humans have recording devices of all kinds– security cameras, diaries, mp3– and the problem becomes clear.  Humans lie, but not that badly.  The poor, fretful creatures just have a species-wide brain defect.  Kindly aliens take to recording every event and encounter they can, then preface every diplomatic meeting with a record swap so the humans can brush up on what actually happened and the aliens can get some insight into what the humans have been falsely thinking happened.  Ambassadors to Earth get supplementary training in how to handle people with memory impairments, and human ambassadors to other worlds start hiring aliens– ANY aliens– to be their assistants.  Everything smooths out after that.

Religion.  Aliens intellectually understand how religion works and that there are different kinds, but they don’t really “get” it.  The biggest confusion regards whether the humans, who do seem to have some sort of empathic abilities at least, are actually communing with incorporeal beings/forces… and if so, why some humans seem able to commune with more than one, while other humans not at all.  Notable scholars have decided that the rituals and paraphernalia have nothing to do with the beings or forces being communed with, but muddied the matter by suggesting that the rituals may be important for a human’s ability to commune.  Alien non-scholars, eager to accommodate this new species and prove that space is nothing to be afraid of– nobody wants a repeat of the H’j’g’rcxin Xenophobia disaster– simply treat any and all religious requests as vital necessities for their human guests and crewmen.  Accommodation becomes so ordinary that when the first religious argument erupts between an engineer and a navigator, the biggest shock is that one of them objects to the other wearing a turban, something which does not affect work performance in any way.

Styling.  Alien species each have their own primary sense that they rely on, and when they find out that humans primarily rely on sight, well.  Reliant on sight means that surface patterns and colorings are particularly important to them, right?  They will have evolved to be individually distinctive in appearance?  New human crew are automatically assigned a mentor from another vision-reliant species, so someone will be able to tell them apart until the auditory and pheromone labels are attached to their uniforms.  Then Abby comes to mess with a new haircut and sparkly chapstick one day, and the mentor has no idea who she is or how she got aboard.

Word of Stabby the Space Roomba spreads, and soon every ship with a human captain or sufficiently high number of human crew has a Stabby.  Names vary, but most of them are Stabby.  One ship becomes low-key known for sending out broadcasts of Stabby McStabberson, son of Stabberson, son of Stabber, and its adventures stabbing juice boxes in zero-G.

Aesthetics.  Humans have a bewildering tendency to open starmaps or sneak into the scientific observation module at odd times, including with a mate or offspring, and just stare at open space.  Not even particular stars, although they like to study and talk about particular stars and clusters at times, but just, the whole of space.  Why do they do it?  Nobody knows.  Humans behave as though intoxicated during these times, but productivity lowers dramatically if they are barred access– if barring access even works in the first place, given humans’ seemingly endless ability to get into places where they aren’t supposed to be.

Fire.  Due to different atmospheric content, inability to heal from burns, or just plain never needing to cook their food, no alien species has ever utilized fire as a tool.  When humans say that learning to use fire may have been the start of their civilization, everybody believes that the humans are just talking a tough game to make up for their lower technology level, or– once they learn about human hierarchies– to compensate for a perceived lack of political status.  Then a human sees a catastrophic explosion on a hostile planet and laughs.  Then another shushes panicking engineers and smothers an accidental fire with some garments.  Then another builds a bonfire out of dead plantlife and a shredded religious document to warm an injured alien crewman after xir endothermic suit is punctured and the planet rotates away from its sun.  Humans– soft, cuddly, pack-bonds-even-with-inanimate-objects humans– are comfortably in control of the most terrifying force of disaster the galaxy has ever known.  Aliens stop being surprised that we nearly made ourselves extinct so many times in history.

“Why does your larval stage look so similar to your mature stage?  How do you know when a human is old enough to leave the Pit of Offspring?  Or to mate?”

2

Ona’s usually pretty cute but this is how she sleeps. Comfortably. I don’t even think she’s a cat anymore, she’s probably an alien in a cat suit who doesn’t know how to operate it

voltron season 3 episode predictions
  • shiro falls out of the ceiling tiles and into allura’s arms, along with 15 armed rebels and a couple of vegetables from earth. the entire episode is just him screaming, allura screaming, the paladins screaming, and the black lion kicking them all out. they never really figure out how exactly shiro got into the ceiling tiles but shiro says it has something to do with the vegtables.
  • the reunion episode between matt holt and shiro is just a complicationed dance routine with sam and pidge looking on in a mixture of shame and contempt. it has been months since they last saw each other. how do they know this. the entire dance is just the whole episode.
  • lotor is just a tiny alien in a huge mech suit, and once the paladins figure that out they put him in a glass jar and now hes a decortive item in the castle. the joke is that youre supposed to move it every time you see him to freak out someone. this ends badly as keith once woke up with it shoved down his shirt, and all of lance’s creams got replaced by several bad duplications of the jar. pidge is a master at this game as they can crawl through vents and place the jar of screaming prince lotor anywhere undetetced. 
  • shiro’s makeup bag gets replaced by alien substances and winds up geting posioned because he used some crushed berries as eyeliner, and the episode is him runnin though the castle, arm activated and destroying a couple of walls looking for his damned eyeliner. allura helps.
  • hunk and pidge are working on shiros arm (which needed maintenance or something) and they discover it can be turned into any body part. they accidently turn it into a foot and cant change it back so its just shiro walking around the castle like normal only its a foot.
  • the cow, which had wandered off on its own in the castle, gets an entire episode thats just from the cow’s point of view. it raids the kitchen at night and loves the food goo. it crawls though the vents and often scares the heck out of pidge. it has a collection of stuff it stole, like several of keiths knifes, lances moisturizer, a rolling stones album, several pens and socks, an entire altean ballgown, and coran’s ponytail bands. prince lotor in a jar eventually winds up in it but no one cares.
  • lance does DOFA deez nuts on allura at least once. the episode consists of pidge and lance memeing the other paladins. 
  • at one point someone adopts an alien cat. it hates hunk but loves keith. keith hates it and hunk loves it.
  • “every time you kill zarkon, theres a tinier zarkon that you can kill eaiser behind it. after you kill the last one, you become a god.” “lance put the redbull coffee down and put your shirt back on before i throw you into the pool.”
  • hunk swears, and everyone just stares. they suspect that hes a galra in disguise and try to anbush him while hes making cookies.
  • the paladins get into another time loop only when they get out of it, shiro and matt are 10 year olds, hunk lance and keith are maybe 4, and pidge is an infant. the episode is just allura, coran, and samuel holt just taking care of the children with their giant robot cats that also seemed to revert to kittens. lotor in a jar makes an appearence but its just him screaming for a couple minutes.