alien guns

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

Star Spangled Man With A...

Avengers team x reader.

Warnings: swearing, violence, implied injury

Word Count: 1,759

First avengers fic please be nice


   “Y/n can you come here please?” Natasha called from somewhere on this floor.

Where on this floor was a completely different matter.

   “Where is ‘here’, Nat?” I called back, standing from my bedroom floor.

   “My room,” she shouted. “I need your help with something,”

I stepped out of my room into the dark hallway, and stealthily made my way to Natasha’s room. just casually using my shadow abilities to blend in with the darkness and travel through the shadows to get to Natasha’s room faster.

   “What do you need?” I leant on her door frame after stepping out of the shadows and watched as she awkwardly tried to assemble a step under her light. “What are you doing?”

   “I’m trying to change the light bulb but someone’s taken the ladder and I’m small,” she huffed as she stacked another book onto the pile of crap in the middle of her room.

I felt someone walked behind me and saw Bucky and Steve headed down the hallway. I caught Steve by the arm, making him stop.

   “Y’know Nat,” I said, dragging Steve into the room. “I can’t help you change your light, but the Star Spangled Man With A Plan Sure Can,”

I smiled like a goofus as they both stared at me and Bucky snorted before continuing down the hall giggling to himself.

   “You’re so proud of your shitty jokes aren’t you?” Natasha laughed finally.

   “Actually I’m just proud of getting that whole sentence out without fucking it up,” I grinned before skipping out of the room. and back into the darkness.

   “You guys swear so much,” I heard Steve mutter.


The following night we’d all settled in the huge living room to hang out and watch a movie.

I couldn’t remember the name of the movie but it had dragons which was cool.

   “Hey Tony,” I called across the room.

   “Yeah?” he said through a mouthful of popcorn.

   “Can you get a tanning bed for the tower?” I asked.

Natasha laughed and Sam choked on his drink at the randomness of my question.

   “Y/n we go outside daily what the hell for?” Tony chuckled at me.

   “I wanna force Steve into it so I can called him The Star Spangle Man With A Tan,” I said plainly, succeeding in holding in my laughter.

Clint clearly wasn’t trying as hard as me as he burst into a fit of giggles on the couch.

Bucky laughed and muttered something that sounded like “eat it Steve” But I couldn’t be sure.

Steve just shook his head turned the volume on the movie up.


The next day we went on a mission was the best I’d ever been on because Steve just kept finding himself in positions where I could take the piss.

The first was in the gym that morning we were working on an agility warm up game and Steve was explaining what he wanted us to do.

   “First you’re going to run the beam while dodging swinging punching bags,” He pointed to one end of the room where that course was set up. “Then you have to make it over the sponge pit via the money bars and avoid being hit with a dodge ball, and then you will climb over the A frame, rescue the ‘civilian’ and carry them back down to safety all the while being attacked by ‘Villains’” 

   “What’s the catch?” I crossed my arms as I looked at the very easy course.

   “You have to make it from here,” he gesture to the start of the track, and still keeping his first arm up he pointed to the end with the other. “To there in 30 seconds or less,”

I noticed he still had his arms both out pointing at each end of the course.

I nudged Natasha in the arm and chuckled.

   “Star Spangled Man With A Wide Arm Span” I stifled my laugh through one hand while pointing at Steve with the other.

   “Y/n your time limit is now 20 seconds,” Steve huffed before hitting the buzzer and Clint began running the course.


The Second time was when we were first out on our mission and some bad guys were fuckin shit up down-town with alien weapons.

A woman was cornered between some cars that had collided and a man with a very strange looking gun that blasted purple plasma rays.

I sank down into the shadow cast by the building I stood behind and traveled to the shadow under the cars behind the the man with the plasma gun.

Sliding out from under the car I kicked my leg out and brought him to the ground, elbowed him in the nose and took his gun.

While he lay squirming in pain on the ground I took the womans hand and began running as fast as I could drag her away from the man. Tossing the gun up to one of Tony’s uninhabited suits.

   “Cap where are you?” I shouted into the coms.

   “Be by your side in a second,” his voice rang in my ear. “Don’t move,”

I stopped running and withing second Steve landed on the hood of one of the bad guys cars right next to me and the woman, holding a couple more of the alien guns.

   “Give me the guns,” I said. “I’ll take them to the suits,”

He tossed the guns to me and I squealed.

   “DON’T THROW A PLASMA RAY AT SOMEONE YOU DOLT!” I shouted.

I secured my grip on the guns and turned to the woman.

   “Hi are you okay?” I asked her. “I’m Shadow what’s your name?”

   “I’m fine,” she said breathless, clearly ecstatic that she’d been saved by the avengers. “My name is Anne,”

   “Ugh YES” I was suddenly so very happy.

The woman looked very confused.

    “Star Spangled Man, Look After Anne,” I shouted as I shoved the woman into Caps arms and dove into another shadow before he could retaliate.


The last was when he was chasing a bad guy and was thrown back through the window of a bakery.

I fly kicked the bad guy into the wall and he slumped to the ground out cold.

   “Cap you okay?” I called as I climbed through the shattered window frame to see a few customers helping him stand. 

The owner of the bakery came around the counter with a pastry dish in her hands and gave it to me. 

I mean we just smashed through the wall of her shop surely it’s not a thank you?

Cap and I exited the bakery and were met by Hawkeye and Black Widow looking at us.

   “Whatcha got there?” Clint eyed the pastry dish in my hands.

It was now that I realised what it was. Immediately I handed it to Steve.

   “The Star Spangled Man With A Fruit Flan,” I put my hands on my hips and grinned proudly so wide my eyes were squinted shut.

My happy streak didn’t last very long because something impacted with the top of my head and I was suddenly very cold. 

And sticky.

I opened my eyes and wiped custard out of my eyes.

   “Did you just dump a perfectly good fruit flan on my head?” I turned and growled at Steve.

   “Dude we could’ve eaten that,” Clint whined.

Steve just smiled with pride that could have mirrored my own.


For the next week or so there was no joke I could have used at the right time so I just had to wait for the right opportunity.

One finally came along.

Cap and Black Widow were sent on a small mission and I was bored so I followed them in the shadows. 

During a scuffle between Cap and one of the targets, Cap was thrown from a 2 story roof and smashed into the roof of a parked (and thankfully empty) minivan.

I immediately pulled out my phone and snapped an unflattering photo of the scene and sank back into the shadows and portalled home.

I sat waiting for their return in the living room ready to project my photo onto the largest screen in the room. As soon as the walked in I called all the other to join me.

   “Guys, guys,” I was shaking with excitement.

   “oh god what did you do?” Bucky sighed with a laugh as I hopped back and forth from one foot to the other.

   “I snapped a really awesome photo,” I half squealed.

I clicked the button that projected what was on my phone to the tv screen and held my hands out in a presenting manner.

   “Ta-daaa!” I smiled and looked around the room at the confused faces of my team.

   “What exactly am I looking at?” Tony asked.

   “It’s The Star Spangled Man In A Minivan,” I yelled happily.

   “How did you even get that picture?” Steve looked astonished. “Did you follow us?”

   “No that would be creepy,” I giggled before sinking into the shadow in the floor and traveling into the hallway.

   “I don’t think anything will ever be as creepy as seeing a smiling chick sink into the floor,” I heard Clint shiver.


I woke up a few days later to F.R.I.D.A.Y telling my that I’d overslept and breakfast was being made in the kitchen where the others had already gathered.

I shot out of bed and ran out of my room, very annoyed at the well lit rooms and hallways that I could’t shadow travel through.

   “Please be Steve, please be Steve,” I chanted to myself as I sprinted down the hallway and jogged on the spot in the elevator to the recreation floor.

I got a number of odd looks from the team who were all assembled around the breakfast table when I burst into the kitchen very short of breath.

Much to my joy, I was greeted by the beautiful sight of Steve frying bacon and eggs on the electric stove.

I failed to control my laboured breathing and huffed my way to the island bench, awkwardly posing on the edge of the counter with a smug grin.

   “Y/n please don-” Steve looked so done but I cut him off.

   “Star Spangled Man With A Pan,” I wheezed with a proud smile. 

   “Damnit!” Clint beat his fist down on the table, startling most of the team. “I’ve been trying to thinkof one for ages I can’t be;live I missed that,”

   “Get your own joke Katniss,” I giggled, siting on the bar stool and winking at Steve.

   “You’re not getting any bacon,” he grumbled and plated some for everyone but me.

Lena vs Mon El: Their impact on Kara’s life

Lena Luthor’s impact on Kara’s life

Positive:
+ Saved Alex’s life
+Inspired Kara to become a reporter
+Helped to save J’onn and dozens of other victims of Roulette
+Saved Kara’s life by taking out the alien guns
+Disabled the Medusa virus and saved all  the aliens in National City(including J’onn) and takes down her own mother which makes Kara very happy
+Offers unconditional support, affection and appreciation for Kara Danvers and Supergirl. Calls Kara Danvers her hero
+Helped Kara save both Alex and all the kidnapped aliens at the risk of her own life

Negative:
- Breaks Kara’s heart for about 30 seconds when she pretends to join her mother

Mon El’s impact on Kara’s life

Positive:
+Gave her a tip about Draaga
+Sex.Getting laid is nice

Negative:
-constant disappointment
-Nearly gets her killed because he strands them on an alien planet due to the fact that he refused to listen to her and go get back up
-Nearly gets several cops killed because he doesn’t listen to her
-Nearly gets her killed after he, James and Winn decide they need to prove they are big man and can take down Kara’s enemies by themselves
-Forces Kara to resort to a nuclear bluff that could have gotten her killed because he refused to listen to her and wasted the one weapon they had against Mxyzptlk,
-Breaks Kara’s heart when he reveals that he has been lying to her for months -Breaks it even further when he reveals that reason he was lying was because he was a selfish coward who didn’t want her just how much of a horrible person he used to be
-His family and their drama nearly kill Kara several times



What I got from this episode:

- Alex was fucking lit and kicked everyone’s ass, literally everyone’s.
- Maggie is ride or die for Alex Danvers
- Alex actually let Maggie use her alien gun *insert that’s love bitch gif*
- There was actually quite a lot of cute/dorky/loving/supportive Sanvers
- Lena and Kara are DATING and explore new restaurants/things together.
- Kara ditched Mon-El’s ass faster than what that spaceship would’ve traveled to save Lena.
- Kara literally carried Lena in her arms - the scene we were robbed of.
- Kara and Alex shared a beautiful, heartbreaking, inspiring scene together.
- James is still the Guardian and he returned from the war god bless.
- Space dad is still Space dadding, hugging his children and trying to protect them.
- There was actually pretty little of Mon-El screentime for once.
- MAGGIE THINKS ALEX MAKES GOOD ARM CANDY

Meet The Chicken Nuggets: A 10 piece meal of a space punk band that lasted one gloriously explosive show.

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