alexander the great

anonymous asked:

"El Poro! El Tigre needs help coming up with new signature move!" (@freljords-heart)

@freljords-heart

Riceball El Poro is on the case! Will help invent new move! Is important for hero to have signature move! Is like signature! Whatever that was. El Poro not worry about such things! Has heroics to do! El Poro thinks he should come up with a tag team move for him and Alexander the Great! Is good plan. 

alexander the great was a weird horse girl
  • when alexander first saw bucephalus and found out that his dad philip didn’t want to buy the horse because he was unmanageable, he kept saying that it sure would be a shame to give up such an awesome horse
  • he kept saying this until philip was like well alex do you think you’re so great that you can tame this horse
  • of course alexander said yes
  • alexander tamed this Troubled Horse Who Lets No One Else Handle Him by being gentle to him and and turning him away from his shadow
  • literally like a Horse Girl Movie ™
  • philip was so amazed by this that he told alex that macedonia was clearly too small of a kingdom for him
  • in the words of a delightful ode to bucephalus, “fuck you, dad”
  • bucephalus became alexander’s favorite horse whom he loved without equal and who wouldn’t let anyone else ride him
  • one time bucephalus got kidnapped by persians and alexander freaked the fuck out
  • he promised that he would cut down every tree, burn all the crops he found, and kill every living creature until he got his horse back
  • needless to say, bucephalus was returned along with a plea for mercy
  • bucephalus then supposedly lived to be about 30 years old which is pretty long for an ancient horse
  • when he died alexander was so upset that he named a city bucephala after him
  • that’s right, a city named after his horse
  • somebody please make a Horse Girl Movie ™ about alex g

i love how in stories about ancient times and ancient heros there’s always someone who says “you will be remembered for centuries, the glory of your name will never fade” because it’s true, we’re hearing about them right this moment, they lived thousands of years before us, yet we still idolise them and love their stories. it overwhelms me and fills with awe

Favorite Alexander the Great facts:

  • Likely had one blue eye and one brown eye like your fave Mary-sues
  • Legit thought he was the child of Zeus.
  • From a young age showed very little interest in sex, especially the opposite sex which was concerning to everyone around because that’s not Manly™️
  • There’s an alleged story that his reasoning for this is because sex reminded him he was mortal. Likewise sleep.
  • Like when he was deep in to Persia and trying to integrate Persian customs in to his rule to be more appealing to the Persians, he constructed a harem of women, one for every night of the year but there’s little evidence that he had any interest in them beyond appearances.
  • But he did have female companions, and did seem to form friendships with women, particularly older ones.
  • He also started dressing Persian, but drew the line at wearing trousers because skies out thighs out amiright
  • Slept with his prized copy of the Iliad under his pillow with also a dagger
  • A nerd who also walked around with a copy of Herodotus.
  • Horse girl
  • Short
  • tbh this really is my favorite fact. When you know his legacy before you know him it’s not something you expect and I always get a chuckle out of certain stories:
  • When he got to Susa and made a grand gesture of sitting on the throne reserved only for the great king (See: Extra Af) ancient sources talked about how, because he was shorter than average and def. shorter than the Persian kings, his feet dangled and his pages had to scramble to find an appropriate foot stool to save face.
  • When meeting with Darius’ captive mother he walked in with his closest friend Haphaesteon to whom Sisygambis started pleading to because she assumed he was the king because he was the taller of the two.
  • Alexander assured her that she was not wrong —Hephaestion was just as much Alexander as he was”

eliasraine replied to your post: Hey it’s an emergency I need to know more fun…

War chariots plz?

Okay okay. 

So. 

Chariots back in the day were, basically, the Sherman Tank of the ancient battlefield. I mean, you have two horses, minimum, screaming along at top speed, pulling a platform with a couple dudes chucking spears and arrows and lopping off heads at twenty miles per hour. Just, three thousand pounds of horse and chariot and wild yelling charioteers and mayhem. 

It was Super Effective. Cultures all over the place used them. Egypt, the various Celtic tribes, the Romans, the Assyrians, the Persians, the Hittites (the Egyptians got their chariot info from the Hittites after the Hittites rolled into Egypt with these wild new horse drawn murder-platforms and conquered Egypt for a bit, but that’s another story.) 

Basically, the sight of a war chariot set infantrymen to shaking in their sandals. They were unstoppable mayhem machines. 

Now, when Alexander the Great started his Let’s Just Conquer Everything Guys phase, the largest army on the planet was the Persian army. They ruled a vast amount of territory, and their war chariots had rotating blades attached to the wheels that would slice and dice infantry soldiers like a blender. They were feared by every enemy of Persia who had the misfortune to run up on the bad side of King Darius. 

Look at this fuckin shit. 

If you had a couple hundred of these things charging your infantry line, it was a Bad Day. 

Alexander the Great knew this. Alexander the Great also knew that his army was almost completely composed of infantry. 

Alexander the Great also didn’t give a fuck. 

“Bring it, you fucks,” Alexander the Great mumbled, feverishly plotting troop maneuvers. “I will shove your scythed chariots completely up your own assholes.” 

See, Alexander the Great’s father had left him something very important; a fully prepped and gassed-up army. The Macedonian infantry were the finest in the world. Also, they fought with stupidly long pikes, in a phalanx. It looked something like this. 

“Fuck your horses”

Now. Horses are not completely stupid. If they’re looking at a wall of pointy, they will not charge directly into it. Alexander knew this. 

So he did something absolutely brilliant. 

He trained his infantry to, when charged by a chariot, fade to the sides. The horses will aim for the gap. As the chariot enters the gap, it is met at the front by a wall of pointy doom. The horses pull up and try to turn, but either side is also a wall of pointy doom. The charioteers can be speared at the phalanx’s leisure. 

“We said fuck your horses”

This requires the soldiers standing their ground in the face of a charging chariot to be absolutely fucking unflappable and hard as diamond plated nails. Which, the Macedonian infantry were. 

At the Battle of Gaugamela, these tactics absolutely wrecked King Darius’ war chariots. It was embarrassing. The Macedonians rolled over the chariots that had dominated battlefields for a thousand years and more like minor speed bumps. 

Chariots would never be used on a large scale in war again. Alexander had figured out how to deal with them. The riddle was solved.