Talking about history is weird because it’s like you’re telling people stories about what happened to you and your friends once but you were not there, Alexander the Great is not your friend, and it happened over 2,000 years ago
Reading about Alexander the Great is so much more fun if you add ‘no homo’ to the end of his gayest exploits:
“yo, hephaestion, you know who was totally rad? achilles. i’m gonna constantly publicly compare myself to him, so you should totally do the same with his bud patroclus! i mean, some of the greatest minds of our time have written about how they were totally doin’ it, but no homo!”
“heey, hephaestion! ya know how we were talking about good ol’ achilles and his boy patroclus? well how 'bout we take a detour to troy to pay tribute at their tombs and then maybe we can oil each other up and run naked down a beach ha ha no homo!”
“the dorians? oh yeah, us macedonians are definitely related to the dorians. a lot of greeks credit the dorians with introducing man-on-man sex to greece, it was a behavior that was even expected of their ruling class … no homo.”
“hey, bagoas, nice dancing. you know what wouldn’t be gay? if we made out. right here. everyone wants it. come on, bro, no homo.”
“what’s that?” “oh nothing, hephaestion. just a letter from that delightful fellow we met living in a barrel, diogenes of sinope. it’s really nothing … here’s something about me 'yielding’ to your thighs … uh, no homo …”
“hey, hephaestion, let’s get married together! no homo!”
“yo, hephaestion, you know what totally wouldn’t be gay? if you died and i wept over your corpse for a day straight until i had to be dragged away and maybe i wouldn’t eat for a whole two days cause i was too busy sobbing and then i spent anywhere from 10,000 to 12,000 talents, which is like a billion dollars, on funerary shit and i could extinguish that sacred flame that’s only supposed to be extinguished upon the death of the great king but whatever i mean you too are alexander and i could try to get you deified and then maybe the grief caused by your death could contribute to my declining mental and physical health over the next eight months until i also died ha ha NO HOMO!”
Can Patrochilles shippers swallow the fact that the Alexander the great was one of them? fucking Alexander the great? and it is not even an exaggeration that he was 100% Patrochilles trash. It is real life and actually happened according to the sources. can you belieb
Two Indo-Greek silver coins with profiles of Alexander
Bactria (present-day Afghanistan), 1st-2nd century
After Alexander of Macedon succeeded in conquering Egypt and Persia in 331 BC, his ambition to rule the known world led him further east across Bactria in Afghanistan, through the Hindu Kush mountain pass, and into India. There he succeeded in defeating all the local kings of the region until his men, on the brink of mutiny, insisted that they return to Greece. Alexander left governors in charge of his territories, and after his death in 323 BC, his governors became independent kings, establishing Hellenistic cities and a Greek cultural base in the region, which lasted for almost 200 years.
Beautiful Ancient Coin with the Image of Alexander the Great
This is a silver tetradrachm from the Thracian Kingdom under the rule of Lysimachus. It was struck sometime after the death of Lysimachus in 281 BC at an undetermined mint. The obverse shows the head of Alexander the Great wearing a diadem and the horns of Ammon. The reverse shows Athena Nikephoros seated. There are two monograms, one of which is in a wreath and the inscription BAΣIΛEΩΣ ΛYΣIMAXOY.
Lysimachus (r. 323-281 BC) was a Macedonian officer and diadochus (i.e. “successor”) of Alexander the Great, who became a basileus (“King”) in 306 BC, ruling Thrace, Asia Minor and Macedon. Read more about Lysimachus here.
Greatest Gay Lovers: Alexander the Great x Hephaestion
Alexander III of Macedon son of King Philip II, would grow up to be the worlds greatest military commander.
By the age of age of 18, he brought down the greatest empire the world has ever seen. Conquered most of the known world by the age of 33. While never losing a battle.
As a child Alexander had a passion for philosophy. He attended lectures at Mieza, tutor by Aristotle. While there he would meet Hephaestion. Who would later become the 2nd most powerful man in Alexander’s empire. As well as Alexander’s life long lover and confidant.
Their tutor Aristotle described the friendship as “one soul abiding in two bodies”.
Alexander would describe his relationship with Hephaestion, to that of Achilles and Patroclus. Who are said to be lovers by Plato and Aeschylus.
Robin Lane Fox, wrote: “Already the two were intimate, Patroclus and Achilles even to those around them; the comparison would remain to the end of their days and is proof of their life as lovers…”
In 324 BC, Hephaestion contracted typhoid. Hearing the news Alexander rushed to be at his side but by the time he arrived, Hephaestion passed away.
Plutarch says ”…Alexander’s grief was uncontrollable, he flung himself on the body of his friend and lay there nearly all day long in tears, and refused to be parted from him until he was dragged away by force by his companions.“
Arrian states ”…for two whole days after Hephaestion’s death Alexander tasted no food and paid no attention in any way to bodily needs, but lay on his bed now crying lamentably, now in the silence of grief.“
Alexander cut his hair short in mourning, this last a poignant reminder of Achilles’ last gift to Patroclus on his funeral pyre: Arrian states ”… he laid the lock of hair in the hands of his beloved companion, and the whole company was moved to tears.“
Long after Alexander own death one philosopher wrote, Alexander was only defeated once and that was by Hephaestion’s thighs.
Darth Vader stood on the command bridge of the Mustafar control center, hand of
durasteel clasping hand of flesh behind him, and gazed up through the transparisteel view wall at the galaxy he would one day
He paid no attention to the litter of corpses around his feet.