alex braden

washington capitals as prom dates

inspired by this video and composed with contributions from @hellokyochan and @notmissmarple

  • Braden Holtby is the world’s best prom date. You’re in your taffeta gown and you answer the door and there he is in a pinstripe suit and shades and a cowboy hat, and you know you’re going to have the best fucking time at prom
  • Nate Schmidt shows up in a bright pink suit and pink tie
  • Justin Williams is wearing the nicest suit he owns, which isn’ much, and he’s driving his mom’s beat up old car
  • Ovi, Kuzy and Orly all show up in a limo, halfway to wasted, hanging out the top
  • Tom Wilson shows up looking spiffy with a rose pinned to his lapel and takes the time to charm your parents, while Andre Burakovsky and his girlfriend shout at him from the car to hurry it up
  • Your mom pulls you aside to tell you she thinks this TJ Oshie seems like a nice boy, but he totally texted you earlier to give you the lowdown on all the booze he has stashed in the limo
  • Nicky is really awkward and fumbles at his cuffs a lot and looks down at the floor when he talks to you, but when you finally dance with him he’s the best dancer you’ve ever seen

  • Bonus: Ovi is the one who spiked the punch, but Nicky is the one who stood in front of the table so no one would see
  • Nicky totally bitched at Ovi about it, too
    • “Alex, no.” “ALEX, YES.”
    • “well FINE you SHOULDN’T but if you’re GOING TO I’m not going tto let you get in trouble”
    • “You’re gonna get caught.” // “If you stand here and don’t move, I don’t get caught” // “I hate you sometimes.” // “No, you don’t.”
Caps drinking game

Take a shot whenever:

  • ovi and nicky display PDA
  • locker pronounces johansson “joe hanson” or burakovsky “bear-akovsky”
  • holtby leaves the crease
  • tom wilson gets in a fight or scrum
  • joe b says that someone “rips one wide”
  • that ad that goes “jay beagle’s a sport fan, you can be one too” plays
  • tj oshie scores a shootout goal
  • ovi moves up the ranks of some NHL list
  • kuzy has an overdramatic celly
  • jay beagle gets a point of any kind
  • someone’s facial hair is mentioned
  • joe b and locker call out a reporter or analyst by name
  • joe b and locker imply that they’re going to dinner together
  • you get 50% off papa johns
  • mcgriddles are mentioned

Take two shots whenever:

  • holtby wanders near the blue line or looks like he’s aiming to get an assist
  • a defenseman scores a goal
  • pittsburgh is mentioned in a game in which they’re not playing Pittsburgh
  • there’s a goalie change
  • someone other than tom wilson gets in a fight
  • a goalie gets a shutout
  • nicklas backstrom is talked about beyond play-by-play on a national broadcast
  • Someone scores a hat trick
  • caps win in OT

Take three shots whenever:

  • brooks orpik scores a goal
Caps True Nicknames

You’ve heard of nicknames like “Ovi,” “Nicky,” “Kuzy,” “Beags,” and “Burracuda,” but get ready for the true nicknames of the caps players:

  • Karl “Iron Man” Alzner
  • Nicklas “MVP” Backstrom
  • Jay “Lord and Savior” Beagle
  • Andre “Needs Adult Supervision” Burakovsky
  • John “Beanie” Carlson
  • Taylor “Rhinoceros Horn” Chorney
  • Brett “Steel Jaw” Connolly
  • Lars “Good Genes” Eller
  • Philipp “Pure Soul” Grubauer
  • Braden “Sock Enthusiast” Holtby
  • Marcus “Silent but Deadly” Johansson
  • Evgeny “Wizard Boy” Kuznetsov
  • Matt “Murder Face” Niskanen
  • Dmitry “Hip Check” Orlov
  • Brooks “Grandpa” Orpik
  • TJ “Baby Face” Oshie
  • Alex “hahaha )))))” Ovechkin
  • Zach “Nipple Piercing?” Sanford
  • Nate “Sunshine” Schmidt
  • Jakub “Favorite Son” Vrana
  • Justin “Ridiculously Good Looking” Williams
  • Tom “Sin Bin” Wilson
  • Daniel “Lord of the Beard” Winnik

some days are good, and some days are bad. and when you have bad days, here are a few things you can keep in mind to make them a little better:

  • kuzy’s bird celly
  • andre’s smile
  • the time willy blocked a shot with his ass
  • the time grubi threw down a stars player in the crease with a wwe move
  • holts failing to cut schmidty’s hair into a mohawk
  • orlov launching duchene into orbit
  • oshie tripping over his own damn skates for no reason
  • nicky and ovi being married
  • the way ovi will literally kill a man if someone touches nicky
  • carlzner being married
  • andre just wanting to make friends
  • mojo being the world’s biggest prankster
  • beags living his life like it’s 2004
  • sanny singing karaoke
  • the time ovi had to escape his own home
  • dances by mojo and his father
  • nisky’s post-goal smiles
  • andre’s cuddles with his teammates
  • ovi and nicky PDA
  • andre’s laugh, kuzy’s laugh, mojo’s laugh, nicky’s laugh
2016-17 Washington Capitals as cinnamon rolls
  • looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you: Nicklas Backstrom, Marcus Johansson, Karl Alzner, John Carlson, Lars Eller
  • looks like they could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll: Evgeny Kuznetsov, Dmitry Orlov, Braden Holtby, Brett Connolly
  • looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll: Andre Burakovsky, Nate Schmidt, TJ Oshie, Philipp Grubauer, Jay Beagle
  • looks like they could kill you and could actually kill you: Alex Ovechkin, Brooks Orpik, Matt Niskanen, Justin Williams, Daniel Winnik, Kevin Shattenkirk
  • sinnamon roll: TOM WILSON, Taylor Chorney