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Review of ‘ChocoVine’ Raspberry Chocolate flavoured wine:

The bottle isn’t much to look at, with the most Dutch artwork they could possibly find for a Dutch product plastered across it. The pleasant, unassuming scenery puts you falsely at ease for what is to come. Testimony of the cashier when purchasing this product was ‘I’ve never heard of this’. 

Upon opening it, found to have a deceptively smooth texture and colour that draws in your trust by imitating chocolate liquor or something akin to Baileys. DO NOT TRUST IT. Taking a whiff of this stuff from the glass can only be likened to shoving an entire Yankee Candle up your nose whilst simultaneously inhaling turpentine. 

This should have been warning enough of what was in store, but, intrepid and determined to do my part for science, I soldiered on. The initial taste can only be described as Satan’s sugared shit, and the after-taste is like being kicked in the throat by an angry Dutchman who is offended that you do not like his chocolate flavoured death elixir. The promised raspberry flavour is hereto unknown, presumably lost to the chocolate. The band ‘The Killers’ should be informed that their line ‘The Devil’s water it ain’t so sweet’ in their song ‘When you were young’ is in fact false. The Devil’s water is so sweet that you can see through time and space. This product is so intensely sugary that diabetics would be advised to not only avoid this drink, but also stay up to and above a mile away from any place that sells it, in case the wind direction changes. 

In what I can only imagine is an attempt to divert from the taste of oblivion and feeling of mortal dread that consumes you after tasting it, ChocoVine has made this product 14% alcohol, though it still remains to be seen if they’ve used methylated spirits to achieve this. My friend drank half a glass, stood up, and for one moment I witnessed her face the void. To their credit ChocoVine does not do overcompensating by half-measures.  

One can only assume the company ChocoVine makes it’s sales solely off novelty value. Do not trust anybody who likes this as they probably do not have your best interests at heart.

Overall review: 1/5 stars.

Best paired with: Existential terror, the End of all Days, Desperation. 

So, I learned today that “Baptists and Bootleggers” is shorthand/slang for diametrically-opposed groups supporting the same thing for their own reasons. (Evangelical groups wanted to ban Sunday liquor sales on moral grounds, bootleggers wanted a bigger market.)

But all I could think was that “Baptists and Bootleggers” sounds like a fantastic RPG set in 1920s New Orleans.