Cursed Child Characters As Things My 5-Year-Old Alter Has Said

Scorpius: Albus said I’m not allowed to t-pose because it’s “cursed”.

Craig: ARE YOU TICCI TOBY

Lily, for ten hours straight: CAR RIDE CAR RIDE WE’RE GOING ON A CAR RIDE

Albus, when his dad says he hates mint ice cream: You are terrible and I hate you.

James, stealing an abandoned takeout box: 🎵 Somebody left their takeout, somebody left their takeout, looks like it’s mine now, looks like it’s mine now!🎵

Ginny: Do you know what a labial cyst is? Cuz I have one! :)

Ron: What’s a Homestuck?

Hermione, chanting: TAX FRAUD TAX FRAUD TAX FRAUD TAX FRAUD TAX F

Rose, to Scorpius: YOU’RE A LEMON HEAD!!!!

Astoria: Sorry, I can’t live anymore. I have a tummy ache :(

Draco, to Astoria: plsss resopnd !!

Harry: That’s illegal because I don’t like it

Delphi: can I be a bird?

it’s september the first, 2017

somewhere out there in king’s cross today, harry potter will tell albus severus potter that it’s okay to be a slytherin if that’s what the hat sorts him as

later today, albus will bump into a kid in an empty compartment that he’ll end up sharing his hogwarts life with, and his life after that

teddy lupin and victorie weasley will kiss on the station platform and be interrupted by james potter. hugo granger-weasley and lily luna potter will chat about what will happen when they get to go to hogwarts. rose granger-weasley is starting her first year too, ready to beat albus in every subject

it’s been nineteen years (and a bit) since the battle of hogwarts

the next generation is going to hogwarts to make their own stories

HARRY: I’m going to try with everything I’ve got—to be a good dad for you.
ALBUS: And I’ll try and be a better son.

- Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Act Four, Scene Fifteen

19 years later has finally come :)

Draco, at Platform 9 ¾: Ready for fifth year?

Scorpius: Yeah, I’m a little nervous about the O.W.L.S though…

Draco: Don’t be. Study hard and I’m sure your exams will be straight fire

Scorpius: what?

Draco: oh, did I mess that one up? I meant they’ll be lit

Scorpius: you did not just say that

Draco: Stop acting salty, Scorpius. You’ll be upset on the train.

Scorpius: oh my god

Draco: Speaking of which, say hi to the squad for me.

Scorpius: Dad

Scorpius: Dad stop

Draco:</b> Why? I’m just trying to be hip like my son

Scorpius: oh my god I don’t know you

Scorpius: this isn’t happening

Scorpius, to crowd: I don’t know him

Draco: that was savage

Scorpius: dad stop

albus severus has the largest harry potter merchandise collection and he puts new items all over the potter household, just to annoy harry.

  • harry goes to the kitchen for breakfast and is forced to eat harry potter shaped waffles.
  • the duvets get replaced with harry potter ones.
  • harry potter quotes are hung up all over the house.
  • the tapestry on the wall now has harry’s face on it.
  • “wtf  is this bobblehead of me doing in the loo- ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER!!!!!!”
  • all three of his children wear round glasses around the house.
  • albus creates a harry potter day, where he dresses up as harry and speaks only in harry potter quotes.

“al, where are you going?”

“to diagon alley.— harry potter”

“al, do you want more meatloaf?”

“no. — harry potter”

“NOT ONE MORE QUOTE, OR I’LL PERSONALLY KICK YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE!”

“okay.”

“…”

“-harry potter”

“MERLIN’S PA —”

  • *family meeting* “anything with my face on it is banned from this house.”
  • harry rolls over in bed at night and screams at the sight of ginny wearing a harry potter mask. 

to all the new Slytherins that will join us at hogwarts today…

  • you are not evil
  • you are not bigoted
  • you are not hateful
  • you are not manipulative
  • you are not selfish
  • you are not cruel
  • you are not cowardly

and I wish every single one of you ambitious, determined, cunning, resourceful, wonderful people a fantastic year

[ gryffindor ]   [ ravenclaw ]   [ hufflepuff ]

  • albus: dad, why did you name me albus severus?
  • harry: you were named after two men who in hindsight did some kinda shitty things to me, but they're dead so i can forgive them and think of them as heroes
  • rose: mum, why did you name me rose?
  • hermione: because you deserve a name of your own, and your uncle is kind of full of shit