Hogwarts Mystery is messy in all but story...I hope

Oh my god, I’m so mad.

I’m trying to rewrite the Hogwarts Mystery years into more book-like, J.K. Rowling-esque form, but man, where do I even start?

In some ways, it’s fine, but like, oh my god, the classes and the spells you learn in them are so misordered.

I just entered the fourth year, and I was looking through the spells I would learn (of which there are a lot, dear lord).

The one that I find has the least excuses for it is the Transfiguration spell “beetles into buttons”, since even the game acknowledges that that’s one of the first spells first years learn, in one of the questions McGonagall can ask you during class.

Diffindo, which HM students learn in fourth year, is actually learned in first year (just because Harry uses it in the fourth book doesn’t mean that’s when he learned it), and there are many sources proving this fact.

Flying Class is only available to first years.  Nuff said.

And the birds into water goblets spell (Veraverto, I think it’s called), is, as movie-watchers will remember (and I hate citing the movies), learned in second year.

I highly doubt that the curriculum for learning spells per year has changed THAT dramatically in the seven years before Harry attended.

Like, Jesus Christ on a piece of toast, you’re just making my life harder, game, and my adhering to canon scream in frustration.  Like, in theory it should be easy to figure out the spells and potions that first years and beyond learn, right?  Nope.  There are so many different sources with different set-ups.  I’m gonna basically have to restructure the game in a major way, which is both awesome and endlessly frustrating.

Whyyyyyyyy

“Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?” Dumbledore asked calmly.

The word ‘calmly’ can hold different meanings in different circumstances. If you were to pass someone a bucket of water calmly when their house was burning down, it could suggest that you were the sort of brave individual who was always prepared to combat the sources of arson when they occur. If you were to ask a nervous bank teller to fill a sack with money while calmly pointing a gun at their head, it might mean that you were the kind of villainous person who practiced such odious and criminal activities on a regular basis. Or if, like me, you were to sit calmly typing the next chapter of your chronicle in the lives of some unfortunate young children, while all around you the kitchen of the reputable restaurant that you were hiding in was slowly filling with sand, it would indicate that you have a life that is often filled with peril and misfortune, and that you were bound by duty to complete your task, no matter how miserable.

Of course, the word 'calmly’ is never used to indicate a person flying into a rage and shouting your words angrily. 'Angrily’ is in fact an antonym of 'calmly’, an antonym being a word with entirely the opposite meaning of the original, such as 'villain’ and 'volunteer’, 'birthday party’ and 'tragic fire’, or 'author’ and 'happy person’.

Now, obviously, a well-read and distinguished director of cinema would never mistake a word with its antonym. That would be preposterous, a word which here means 'create an incredibly out of character scene and confuse the audience.’

If you’re relatively new to the Harry Potter fandom, you probably haven’t seen a very potter trilogy. If not, you need to do so right now.

It’s got surprisingly accurate character portral

Draco alone is a gift to earth

Not to mention the drama

Overall it’s just really hilarious

  1. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLC76BE906C9D83A3A
  2. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL86C718AEE71C9DE9
  3. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL57O-EWZ_dWlH4k_-mJoQD5ICb5WXKrFr

Dumbledore: Severus I’m still missing your photo for this year’s faculty newsletter

Severus: my apologies here it is

Dumbledore: you can’t even see half of your face. Maybe one less dramatic?

Severus: of course, headmaster.

Severus:

Dumbledore: I said less dramatic and preferably one where you’re not so alarmed

Severus: 

Dumbledore: did you have a photoshoot or something

Severus:

Dumbledore: what no Severus you are not in a boy band what is this pose wait you’re not in one are y-

Severus:

Dumbledore: are those special effects

Severus:

Dumbledore: cool but still a no

Severus:

Dumbledore: dramatic and very fitting for you but you can’t have fanart as your faculty photo who even is your fan and why don’t I have fanart

Severus:

Dumbledore: bold choice going with the profile, I admit I didn’t think you’d go for it, but you can’t have a dramatic death quote on your photo either this is a school for children they still have hope at least until their first class with you

Severus:

Dumbledore: *sigh*

Severus:

Dumbledore: why is the school on fire

Severus:

Dumbledore: is that a Death Eater meeting

Severus:

Dumbledore: oh my god 

Severus:

Dumbledore: seriously did you have a photoshoot

Severus:

Dumbledore: artsy but no

Severus:

Dumbledore: is that a screenshot

Severus:

Dumbledore: please stop

Severus:

Dumbledore: that’s it I’m taking away your photoshop privileges in the muggle studies computer lab

Severus:

Dumbledore: okay you know what fine that’ll do

Severus:

Dumbledore: no.

Severus:

Dumbledore: where are these all coming from

Severus:

Dumbledore: YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER MIND FORGET I ASKED YOU DON’T NEED A PHOTO

Severus: